A wwyd

[Babystarlight]

I've namechanged & so on as this is an identifying ongoing situation.

Wibu to just bite the bullet and move.

I'm from a big city, dh is from a medium sized town about 20-40 minutes away. Everywhere in between is rural.

When we met neither wanted to move (work commitments) but in the end dh came here and we rented a small house. Dh never very happy due to commute to work (he works about 1 hour away) but we get on with it.

Two dc on and we need to move, we are in a good position to buy a nice house, we are bursting at the seams in this small house and the road is horrible anyway.

The problem is dh isn't happy to buy here, but this is where the dcs schools, clubs and my work is. His work is very well paid, mine not so much but fits around school. Dh is unhappy because it costs him so much time (he works way past his town), and he doesn't like living in a big city anyway.

To be honest I'm not exactly in love with this place either it's just where I've always lived and I like having a choice of everything on our doorstep in terms of shops and leisure activities. Although the smaller town has everything you need too.

Then there's family, all mine live here, but I don't see them loads anyway, his family are there and they are very close knit. My dc are very close to my mum but she's unwell and can't drive and I'm worried moving would damage that bond because it would be all about dh and his family.

Then there's uprooting the dc, they'd have to change schools but it would mean living on a nicer road, nicer house they could play out which they can't here. They are primary school age.

I could potentially still get to work but I think long term I'd have to look for another job. Dh thinks he'd be around more to do the childcare if we moved but I'm worried that he wouldn't in reality (irregular hours).

I keep changing my mind between wanting to go for it and thinking he's totally selfish for wanting us all to uproot just for him. He doesn't want to get a new job and says he'd have to take a pay cut if he did.

What are your childcare options? Will your dh really be able to fit his work around childcare like you do? Otherwise you will need after school club? Will you be able to get into a good school? Or are the classes too big? Dont knock having someone on hand if the kids are sick. Will your dh take time off his work to look after them, or will you be expected to do all of it? I cant imagine i would be able to put my kids in the car and drive an hour when they are sick. And it would mean that you will end up with less holidays after taking time off when they are sick.

I guess what I am saying is that when there are children involved, the person that will be the main carer should be the person with the greater say in where you live. Your dh seems to be looking for a better working life for himself and maybe not taking in the whole picture.

We moved 1.5 years ago. Moved the kids to new schools, so its not that I ma against moving. but our move was to a place we BOTH agreed to. It is equidistant from both of our work and we share childcare equally (so not UK obviously). Schools in the new village had much smaller sizes and it has made a difference to the kids.

Younakemydreams all of that is very true. We regularly drive between the two in an evening.

This city has so much traffic it can be a nightmare.

I do think the quality of life there could potentially be better. More freedom for the dc.

Your H has the longer commute. He is also currently completely absolved of any requirement to be flexible about childcare, which is often a big time commitment too.

If you are going to agree to move, you need him to commit to doing half the childcare (wraparound, holiday cover, sickness cover, taking to activities) as you won't have the same flexibility with work and emergency childcare options that you have now.

Cross posted with you.

It sounds like your DH wants to live in the town that's convenient for his work and his family, but isn't willing to pick up any of the additional workload that would come with the move.

Don't underestimate the stress of getting the children into good schools either.

There's no way dh will do 50% of childcare. It's not possible. He works irregular hours and he works here there and everywhere. There's no way he could or would take a day off at short notice.

The move would definitely give a bit more flexibility for him but there's no way he could commit to let's say picking the dc up twice a week because he just wouldn't know what his situation at work would be.

I think if you choose a good location, the move could really work. The location part is really key, though - simple things like traffic patterns, services nearby can make the difference between something that works and is convenient and something that's a nightmare. I'm glad to hear your DH is suggesting that he picks up some slack with the additional time he will save when not commuting - I would definitely make this a precondition, irregular hours or not (why is it that women are always expected to make their work fit around kids, but men aren't?!)

We've actually argued over schools because here there is a wide choice of great schools, but he says the schools there are fine, and I'm sure they are but there are less options.

He says a safer, nicer place to live cancels that out.

In that case I would think very carefully about moving, at least until you have found equally flexible work in the new location. I think you're going to end up running yourself ragged to accommodate everyone's needs.

When you are 20 years older will you want to look back on a life lived in a nicer area with DH less stressed or make do cos of short term disruption? I'd move in your shoes.

So if you moved and stayed in the same job you could pop in to see your Mum or drop/pick up the kids from her enroute ?

A nicer house, kids not yet made close friends , possibility of work for you in the new area but current job still doable , better time as a family together ....ist the biggest problem you and the fact you've never lived anywhere else ?

Baby just to mention one part of your situation... As your mum gets older and less mobile, are you going to want to visit to help her out more? Elderly parents requiring more regular visits can mean a lot of time on the roads.

YABU. Move, quieter life and better quality. Plus your in laws are on hand for support. You are just being selfish.

Haven't read the full thread, apologies.

the earlier posts are all "move!" What worries me about this is that it could mean the OP loses both job and ad hoc childcare (her mum). This is not a good shift for a woman to make- from being able to get out and work, from having someone to call on at short notice to take kids; to being stuck as SAHM because the money / practicalities don't stack up.

If the OP can make equivalent arrangements in the new place, then fine, but I get the feeling her husband doesn't take her job seriously and doesn't care if she can make it work or not, so this puts her very much on the back foot

Sounds as if you are trying to think of all the reasons you can to stay and that's understandable
I'm confused about the distance though, you say the town is 20 to 40 minutes away? Is it 20, or 40? Unless you mean the extra 20 minutes difference is with traffic?

I would still make the move. That commute for your DH cannot be fun. Yes I would be reluctant to if I was in my comfort zone but I would still think a move out of the city to be the better option.

Take your mum and PIL out of the situation for the moment.
It's about your DH's commute being drastically reduced...for the better
It's about the extra time he would have at home..with you and DC
It's about a rural setting for your family vs the city

As for schooling, have you arranged to visit some of the town schools? It could put your mind at ease.
Also a decent/good secondary school beats good primary selections any day as imo that's where the biggest impact would be.
If things don't work out you could always move back. Links would still be there, family as well as friends as it's not a great distance.
Families relocate all the time (I've moved counties, countries and continents more than once). It's not easy, some people find the decision to move to be the hardest part.
Good luck on whatever you decide.

What I dont like about this is the way that he is making promises that you know he cannot see through, in order to get his own way.

Rather than his pie in the sky ideas about being in 3 places at once, have you actually sat down and worked out how a working week would go with drop offs etc? What your back up plan would be in case of kids illness, inset days etc?

It seems that he wants to move but can do absolutely nothing to assist in making this easier for you. You still have to do school runs, cover kids days off etc but at a bigger distance and with no back up.

I understand that he wants to live somewhere else and thats fine, but it seems to be coming at a massive cost to you.

It wouldn't be enroute because I'd have to get the train from town A to city B so wouldn't be driving through the city.

I wouldn't not move solely because of mum but yes I would miss just being able to drop the kids 5 minutes down the road if they're ill or when they want to see her. Realistically I'm not going to bundle a sickly child in the car at 7am to drive t30 minutes. We'd still see her though yes.

I am a bit reluctant to move the dcs schools, yes dhs commute would be easier but mine would then be longer and I'd still be taking the burden of childcare but without the fallback of my mum!

Another thought....what would his reaction to an Au Pair be? That would make it more workable in terms of help when the kids are ill, school runs etc. But it would mean a large financial commitment to ensure that you can stay in your job. His reaction to that would be a good indicator of how seriously he takes your concerns and how he views your job.

It's 20-40 minutes depending on which side of the town we moved to and the traffic. He works about a further 30 minutes from his town, but that's his base, his working hours and location are irregular.

I have tried to discuss the logistics but dh just says he'd be home more. When I ask him how he'd realistically drop two kids off and get to work for 8, or what he'd do on the days when he's working miles away he's can't answer.

I'm sorry but how am I being selfish by considering things before changing my dcs school but also upping MY commute to double the time!!

Oh his answer to all that is that I should leave my job because I don't really need to work.

Then ask him what, exactly, is in it for you.

So far he wants you to move away from your family, leave your job and have no external support, and for what? Where is the benefit to you?

I am not saying that it should be all about you, but a house move should benefit everyone and so far all I can see is the benefit to him.

Agree, it's simply the commute vs more time at home that your DH is looking at. He's not seeing the pros and cons of anything else as he's had enough and wants to make a change.
I don't blame him as I've done my fair share of commutes. I can also understand your own pov. Could you look for a new job in the town?

So realistically if you chose not to work most of the objections would disappear. Whilst I get working is important to you (it is to me too) how important is your current job to you ? Is it THE job or just a job ? Could you find jobs that would fulfil you equally well in the new area ?

Yep, had.that conversation, he doesn't have the answers.

Ample this is it and in truth one of us has to make a sacrifice.

He earns more but I have the flexibility for the dc.

I understand he's had enough but from my point of view his commute now would then be my commute, but I'd still be juggling the childcare and having lost the backup if they're ill.

He wont look for another job that would cut his commute, yet is asking the OP to do exactly that, or pack it in altogether.

He is being monumentally selfish!

I dont think that this is just about a house move at all.