A wwyd

[Babystarlight]

I've namechanged & so on as this is an identifying ongoing situation.

Wibu to just bite the bullet and move.

I'm from a big city, dh is from a medium sized town about 20-40 minutes away. Everywhere in between is rural.

When we met neither wanted to move (work commitments) but in the end dh came here and we rented a small house. Dh never very happy due to commute to work (he works about 1 hour away) but we get on with it.

Two dc on and we need to move, we are in a good position to buy a nice house, we are bursting at the seams in this small house and the road is horrible anyway.

The problem is dh isn't happy to buy here, but this is where the dcs schools, clubs and my work is. His work is very well paid, mine not so much but fits around school. Dh is unhappy because it costs him so much time (he works way past his town), and he doesn't like living in a big city anyway.

To be honest I'm not exactly in love with this place either it's just where I've always lived and I like having a choice of everything on our doorstep in terms of shops and leisure activities. Although the smaller town has everything you need too.

Then there's family, all mine live here, but I don't see them loads anyway, his family are there and they are very close knit. My dc are very close to my mum but she's unwell and can't drive and I'm worried moving would damage that bond because it would be all about dh and his family.

Then there's uprooting the dc, they'd have to change schools but it would mean living on a nicer road, nicer house they could play out which they can't here. They are primary school age.

I could potentially still get to work but I think long term I'd have to look for another job. Dh thinks he'd be around more to do the childcare if we moved but I'm worried that he wouldn't in reality (irregular hours).

I keep changing my mind between wanting to go for it and thinking he's totally selfish for wanting us all to uproot just for him. He doesn't want to get a new job and says he'd have to take a pay cut if he did.

I work in a school too, and we live locally to my work and the children's schools.

My husband has a job which pays much better than mine. Sometimes he can work from home, sometimes he works from a base about an hour away, a lot of the time he travels internationally. He accepts that the travel and commute are part and parcel of the higher-paying career that he signed up for. In return, he understands that my job is much lower-paid, but the vast majority of the time he can focus on his job without having to worry about day to day childcare, cooking, after-school clubs etc.

Your husband sounds like he wants it all ways. I would be wary of giving up my own income in your shoes.

Bogey
Hmmmm I saw it differently I saw all the wildly optimistic but not very realistic promises as a sign he's utterly fed up with a commute that isn't really nessecery when there is a better option available that would bring lots of benefits.

The major disadvantage is the OPs job but it isn't a job needed financially to the family (although I absolutely accept it essential to the OP to work for other reasons) and there are other jobs and moving further from Mum but that's only 20 mins so not anywhere like untenable if everything else is desirable.

He probably does feel that as he brings in enough money that the OP can be choosy about what jobs she takes that his levels of travelling should be a major consideration and the fact he hates the town they live in shouldn't be ignored either.

When he says he'd drop the kids off does he mean he'd drop you at the station, then drop the kids at the childminders or breakfast club rather than drop them at school ?

OP, I am in a very similar situation - right down to having a similar job to you. Dh is commuting just over 50 miles each way on a secondment, which we have decided if it becomes permanent we will move to. The job stress plus the journey is impacting his health and his time with Dc. I would have to leave my job and have all the same reservations you do.

without dismissing the contribution I (or you) make to the family, any step up the property ladder we made would be very much due to his earning power not mine, therefore I don't feel comfortable ignoring the pressure he is under, and telling him just to suck it up and get on with it. However I think the difference is that it would be a new area for both of us, also he is very generous in terms of his time, doing things for my family and considering all money ours. I get the impression from your posts that you possibly don't have the same dynamic? Is he considerate and supportive of you in other ways?

I don't think moving 20 minutes is all that big a deal. And nor is putting sick children in the car at 7am and driving for 20/30 mins. Lots of people live hundreds of miles from their parents/in-laws. You'll still have your mum on tap to do emergency childcare.

At the moment, he commutes for an hour and you have a very short commute. Why wouldn't it be fair for you both to commute for 30 minutes?

The distance is nothing at all I would LOVE to live an hour away from my family.

I think in terms of practicalities it makes complete sense to move. Better area, better house, shorter commute for DH. I also believe the job bringing home the main wage for the family should be the one worked around, not the other. It benefits the family overall the protect the highest earning job and a shorter commute is better for that.

I think what this comes down to is not wanting to leave your DM when she isn't in the best of health and worrying about her bond with your DC. That is completely understandable but there are ways to work around that. It's only an hour away- the drive you would do to take your children to see her is only what your husband had been doing for years for his commute. You just need to factor it in and make the effort to travel there every week, you could go after school for tea one day a week if you wanted to, it's not a day trip distance.

I would be careful of seeing this as you versus you me husband. It seems you are encroaching on this territory- what makes you happy versus what makes him happy. You have to see it as a decision for the family as a whole and not see it as a victory for him and a loss for you if you move, and not resent each other whichever way you go.

For me and from what you've said I'd be moving for quality of life but I'd be putting plans in place to look for another job and supporting my mum and reassuring her we are going to see her a lot and only down the road.

Yes he means he'd drop them at a breakfast club but even with that I doubt he'd make it all on time. Some days he works elsewhere and would be gone at 5am, he pulsing commit to regular childcare.

I can't see you finding an all-round solution to this, OP

Your DH could find another job but it's the city itself that he doesn't like and he's not going to change his opinion about that.
So, your daily life/work, and the DC's school life is fine where you are now, all except for the house which is too small.
He won't move within the city. He wants to move away.
Moving out would put a spanner in your routine as it is now, which sounds ideal (for you and DC - not for DH)

Idk, I would still opt for a life out of the city but that's just me.
Agree with you re: school jobs gold dust. I have one of those myself.
Perhaps look/apply for position at one of the town schools. That would take away your issue of commuting?
Is his home town your only option to move? Is there anywhere nearer, out of the city...somewhere that wouldn't be too far for you but still makes DH feel that he's not a city dweller?

Ideally you want a move that is a compromise not a sacrifice (you know that but does your DH?!)

Ultimately if he is refusing to consider your current area for a bigger house which is uncompromising but if he really hates the area and feels he's given it a good enough go (how many years?) and is never going to like it is understandable. You don't love your job and could find a job in another school so are not forever tied , he's seeing that he's the one who agreed to try it your way living in your home town but you won't do the same for him ?

I do sort of see why he thinks you are selfish.

he says they'd do fine wherever they go to school and they'd benefit more from a nicer house. That is the beginning and the end of it for him.

So he would be happy for them to have a lower standard of education as long as he gets what he wants? Wow.

At the moment, he commutes for an hour and you have a very short commute. Why wouldn't it be fair for you both to commute for 30 minutes?
But it wouldnt be 30 minutes for the OP if she has a sick child to get to her mums would it? It would make everything that the OP does now, that is manageable, really hard work. He is offering nothing to help, but is expecting her to makes all these changes, make her life harder and potentially lose her financial independence (which she may well find she needs at some point) all in order for him to move 20 minutes away. It just doesnt add up as being worth it.

Maturecheddar putting everything else aside for a moment my commute would be way more than 30 minutes!

Dh currently travels 1 hour to work from here, a further 30 minutes on. Iyswim? However he isn't always at work as he works in different places. Sometimes being here makes him closer but he's usually further away.

My commute is currently 30 minutes in the OPPOSITE direction and I drive there, before that though I drop two dc off and pick them up so all totalling about 45 minutes. Are you with me?!

If I were to move it would make more sense to catch the train because of the route is have to take and the traffic but my commute would then be more than one hour, but I'd still have to drop the dc off and pick them up.

There are places in between, there is one is like to live but dh says still too far from work the other place I couldn't bear, too isolated from facilities. The 20-40 minutes is on the motorway, so longer if you travel through the little villages in between more like 1 hour.

If I did find a job over there I would probably take the plunge.

I get that people hate city life but I love it, I think his town is a happy medium.

on one hand i dont see an hour commute as alot my dh dos it every day into london and back-we cant move though just not feasible

on the other what happens if your mother gets worse and cant look after the kids anyway when theyre ill surely in the end u will have to arrange other care

Yes, I'm not basing it solely around my mum that's just one factor.

My cons are

Longer and possibly unmanageable commute with the dc
Losing childcare back up
Disrupting the dcs schooling and their hobbies
Leaving access to good schools

Pros are
Happy dh
Better house and better area (although could have that here)
Smaller safer place for dc as they grow up

Oh and dh upsets me because he hasn't done any ringing round of schools, looking at school websites and reading ofsted reports.

I have and the nicest one are full.

Dh just thinks a school is a school.

What GingerbreadGingerbread said.

I would move.

tell him about the schools then if theyre full u wont be moving

I have he wants me to take them to their current school until either a place becomes available or they start secondary school.

Why not start looking and see what's out there? I personally would move. My DH moved for me, and is so much happier as a result, as are the kids. Primary age is a good age to move and it's not like you're moving to the other side of the country. You have had your turn, why not let him have his and if you don't like it then move again before you start with secondary. He will appreciate your flexibility and if you're really undecided move but rent.

My experience of moving from a city to a town is similar to Cody's that whilst it's brought greater freedom for DD in some ways it's also restricted opportunities for various activities. And after coming from a hugely diverse area to a very undiverse one where everyone knows your business has been hard for her, which I didn't anticipate at all.

I guess my life has been better slightly in the town but perhaps not as much as I anticipated.

I also think there's a lot of stress for you trying to juggle commute and childcare, it's not great being a distance away when school calls you about a sick child, especially if you're reliant on public transport too.

i went to a school 40 mins away but that wasnt until i was in secondary school-bit of a trek

he wants me to take them to their current school until either a place becomes available or they start secondary school

So something else for you to have to juggle!

Is he offering any concessions at all? From what you've written I cant see anything that he is willing or able to do to make any of this easier for you.

No, his point of view is nicer house, nicer road better life.

Like I say he says he'd be more able to do childcare but when I try to put pen to paper he can't do it, the timings don't work out, he says he'd work something out high ends in that I don't need to work anyway.

Can you drop the children off at school on your way to work? Or drop them at a bus stop that's on your way?

You could make sure you are on the side of town only 20 minutes away from where you are now. 20 minutes is nothing at all!

You could also start looking for work in the new town while keeping your current job, and only leave your job once you find something ideal in the new town.