A wwyd

[Babystarlight]

I've namechanged & so on as this is an identifying ongoing situation.

Wibu to just bite the bullet and move.

I'm from a big city, dh is from a medium sized town about 20-40 minutes away. Everywhere in between is rural.

When we met neither wanted to move (work commitments) but in the end dh came here and we rented a small house. Dh never very happy due to commute to work (he works about 1 hour away) but we get on with it.

Two dc on and we need to move, we are in a good position to buy a nice house, we are bursting at the seams in this small house and the road is horrible anyway.

The problem is dh isn't happy to buy here, but this is where the dcs schools, clubs and my work is. His work is very well paid, mine not so much but fits around school. Dh is unhappy because it costs him so much time (he works way past his town), and he doesn't like living in a big city anyway.

To be honest I'm not exactly in love with this place either it's just where I've always lived and I like having a choice of everything on our doorstep in terms of shops and leisure activities. Although the smaller town has everything you need too.

Then there's family, all mine live here, but I don't see them loads anyway, his family are there and they are very close knit. My dc are very close to my mum but she's unwell and can't drive and I'm worried moving would damage that bond because it would be all about dh and his family.

Then there's uprooting the dc, they'd have to change schools but it would mean living on a nicer road, nicer house they could play out which they can't here. They are primary school age.

I could potentially still get to work but I think long term I'd have to look for another job. Dh thinks he'd be around more to do the childcare if we moved but I'm worried that he wouldn't in reality (irregular hours).

I keep changing my mind between wanting to go for it and thinking he's totally selfish for wanting us all to uproot just for him. He doesn't want to get a new job and says he'd have to take a pay cut if he did.

I know some people are saying I'm selfish but from my point of view I'd be travelling longer, longer hours for the dc in childcare, moving them to potentially a worse school at least in the short term. Yes he'd save himself time but for all I know he might use his extra time to pop to the pub or run errands for his parents.

I have he wants me to take them to their current school until either a place becomes available or they start secondary school.

I don't think you want to move - so tell him No!

He doesn't respect your job or the work involved in the kids

Tell him to live with his parents Monday to Friday to cut his commute and he can see the kids on the weekend

User I couldn't because I'd have to be on a train before 8. They are too young to be dropped at a bus stop!

Surely though you won't have the issue of dropping the children off at the school they're currently at because they would move school to be closer to the new house so it would just be your job you'd be commuting for?

Ginger yes that's right but whereas currently I can drop them at school, I'd have to drop them off presumably at a before school club at 7.30am to be on a train. The station is in the town centre so no parking so I'm not sure how that would work either.

Other problem is that there aren't a large amount of options when it comes to schools as most are oversubscribed, so the school they get may not be close to the road we live on.

Dh is saying he'd drop me off at the station then drop the dc at a breakfast club but he has to be at work by 8.

I think if you agree to it he needs to agree to a rock solid plan of who is doing what drop offs and pick ups. The logistics need to be thoroughly thought through by you both and not just him hoping for the best and trying to pacify you saying he will do it all when you know he can't.

Can he speak to him employer about starting later so he can commit to some morning drop offs? Or can he say to you you will both take the children to breakfast club on alternate weeks? Don't let it all just fall to you make sure he knows he is committing to doing his share. I would make it a fundamental part of my agreement to move.

After reading all your replies, I think he is a selfish arse who is only thinking about himself. If he thought that you were important in any shape or form, then he would be spending time trying to look at all of the options to make it work for you and the kids.

Staying in their current school is a frankly stupid idea. They need to make friends in their new location otherwise yo have a commute for a playdate. Or will he take that over as well?
I suspect that if you move, you will be posting next year because yor are isolated, no job and dh is off with his old buddies or helping ma&pa.

I'm not saying dont move, but make the right move for everybody not just dh.

it kind of sounds like dh is having a hissy because he made a compromise and now he has decided he doesnt have to anymore. That is not really how life works - you shouldnt get your own way at the expense of the people you love.

Ginger I think that's what he's thinking, that he'd start half an hour later or something but dh is very good at doing this, the reality is he has very little flexibility, he's expected to work away at short notice, may be called upon to go long distance at an hours notice.

He could be on rota to do the drop offs and be sent to work away the day before.

I could tell him he'd need to agree but the nature of his job allows little flexibility and my job would become a burden.

If also say that the children may not be commuting but a 7.30 start at breakfast club - plus payment for the club - assuming the school has one and there are spaces- usually £2 x2 so £20 a week plus after school? Same again? Or more usually - so your down £40 plus train fares.

Then clubs - usually waiting lists for Cubs etc so they won't be there -

So their day is 7.30 til say 4.30 - when you pick them up and give them tea plus homework or clubs - when will they be playing out?

When your at home doing all the house work?

Cody those timings are about right yes. Although I suppose if dh was home 5.30 rather than 6 he can do a bit more after work.

You can see how it would end up with me feeling pressured to give up work... then losing financial independence.

Unless I can find another job, I'm sure I could but not necessarily in a school.

I would move. The potential positives that you have pointed out definitely outweigh the potential negatives.

It seems like moving would be better for the family as a whole but you are don't want to because you'll be the one 'losing out'.

Well no special my dc would be losing out on time at home, better schools, their clubs and activities.

I appreciate all points but I don't agree that I'm selfish. The dc are my biggest priority.

I think it can go both ways with this sort of move. For us it was a mistake, particularly as dh was made redundant from the job we moved to be near.

Happy dh = unhappy me.
Smaller, quieter for dc = bored out of their minds now they're older.

I sit in my nice house in my leafy road (with my interfering neighbours) wondering what happened to my life. There are no interesting job options for me here. There's very little to do. I travel hours to see old friends/family because I have few here.

I would urge you to think about the things that make you happy as an individual. Very often we think about what's best for everybody but ourselves.

The town would probably be safer, the dc aren't exactly unsafe here, but it's a big city and all that comes with it.

But the city has a lot to offer, it just all depends what you want.

We could move somewhere that they could play out, they could do that here in a different house, but dh won't buy here.

User147 what sort of place did you move to? Is it a town or village, rural?

So not only does your husband expect you to move to make his commute 20 minutes shorter because an hour's commute is too much, he's expecting you to move to take on a commute of over an hour each way as well as managing the school run logistics?

I presume you've pointed out to him that your commute will become much longer than the commute he says is currently unbearable, and you're not even driving straight to work and back?

I don't think you're being selfish.

I think your husband is being at best blinkered, at worst entirely self-centred.

OP do you feel able to name the city and the town? It would stop all the second guessing about distances and some mumsnettters might be able to advise re. The schools.

If the main premise for the move is that his work needs - more important job etc which needs to be prioritised 'for the sake of the family' - I have absolutely no idea why he would suddenly start treating yours as equally important by assisting in a meaningful way with the more complicated logistics around childcare. It doesn't even sound like a realistic offer.

If you move OP, you need to be ready for any help form him to be a bonus if he does happen but not a guarantee by any means. I think you know this. I think he is underestimating the difference help from your mum and you being near the school is bringing 'for the sake of the family.'

You aren't even sure if you can get a school nearby and as you said they aren't as good as the current ones available.

There are many significant cons here for people other than him.

Small/medium town.

Yes I've told him that inertia he hasn't got the answer other than that I should give up work.

I'd rather not say as already too identifying.

We could get them into A school, butt wouldn't be my preferred school and it wouldn't be close to our house because the blunt truth is that we'd be moving to live in a nice road/area and the only schools with capacity are those in deprived areas. Nothing wrong with that but they aren't the most sought after schools and they would be with all the other dc from our lovely new street.