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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what is the worst attempt at impressing you/chatting you up you've seen or heard?

149 replies

Mycatsabastard · 30/08/2016 22:36

I am 47. I could maybe get away with 45. I was driving back from the shops with DD2 (who is 10) the other day and some yoof in a car with tinted windows (all down) and a big exhaust came alongside me at the lights. He was revving his engine and edging forward. He kept looking at me and winking. He revved his engine some more. He had no top on and looked about 25.

I am not sure if his car was trying to impress my car of it his was a really bad way of trying to get my attention. Nonetheless I found it all highly amusing if bewildering. I have yet to tell my teenager that this is how men will attempt to woo her in the next few years.

Share your horror stories and funnies.

OP posts:
thatsn0tmyname · 31/08/2016 19:11

"If you sleep with me you'll find there is a bridge between Venus and Mars" Shock

KittyKrap · 31/08/2016 19:12

Walking home one day there were 3 very fit, topless builders walking towards me. One said, "now that's a milf", and the others agreed while I went puce. I had been walking home from nursery so had my baby in a pram and DCs 1&2 beside me - "mummy, what's a milf?"

Er...

euromorris · 31/08/2016 19:14

'I think I'm pretty good looking. If I was a girl, I'd do me!'

I laughed.

'Why are you laughing? I'm being serious!'

I laughed more.

JeepersMcoy · 31/08/2016 19:21

I once met up with a friend in a pub we hadn't been to for quite a while. Turned out it had got a little less salubrious in the intervening months. After about half an hour of being there and quietly chatting in a corner some young guy, baggy jeans and baseball cap, came up to our table and started trying to woo my friend using the ever romantic medium of rap. Twenty minutes later there was a massive bar fight and we had to sidle out while dodging flying beer bottles.

Pardonwhat · 31/08/2016 19:24

This weekend mine happened.

Dancing with my friend and an absolutely dreamy gorgeous guy came over and started talking with my friend. Some flirting later he turned to me and said "I wish it was us flirting - you're absolutely beautiful".

HmmConfused

Original poster
Mycatsabastard · 31/08/2016 20:47

Can I have some of your hair? That is fucking weird!!

I remember once, many moons ago when I was about 18 and out with dp. We had stopped off for takeaway after a night out, I was out on the pavement and he was still in the shop. A group of lads walked up, one of them got his knob out and started having a piss in the middle of the road. I rolled my eyes and muttered something about him being disgusting. He proceeds to wave it about and shout 'what's the matter darlin'? Not seen a cock before?' 'Not one that small was my reply'. His mates absolutely fell about.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/08/2016 21:09

Relevant background: the name I use is now now shortened (think Pamela/Pam) so anyone who uses the original must have known me from years ago

Back when we did this, I put an ad for a bed in the local paper with just my recently-acquired phone number. A man rang and asked straight away "Is that (birth name)?" Surprised, I said yes and immediately he launched into detail on exactly what he'd like to do to me in the bed

I still have no idea how the hell he knew who it was, but that disturbed me more than I like to admit Hmm

LolaStarr · 31/08/2016 21:14

cat tell me about it, I don't know what he expected me to do - pull a pair of scissors out of my bag and chop a bit off for him? Hmm

KatharinaRosalie · 31/08/2016 21:23

I've told this before - nightclub. Guy chatting me up, buying drinks, as you do.
Then he says - 'You know, my wife is pregnant, she's in the hospital at the moment, there's something wrong with the baby..
'Oh', I say, thinking that I clearly misunderstood his intentions, 'I'm very sorry to hear'
He continues: '..so that means the house is free tonight, want to come to my place?'

He was actually surprised when I declined the offer.

greenlass · 31/08/2016 21:39

Oh the phone repair one just jogged my memory !
Text from Stuart XX
I'm like who the fuck are you?
Oh I work in Kwikfit you were in getting your tyre changed & I got your number out of the computer.
Um bye.
Creeper.

bertsdinner · 31/08/2016 21:57

At university, this guy asked me "have you got any Scottish in you", he was a Scot and I innocently said no, I havnt. Then he said "do you want some in you" , I said, er, no thanks.

One guy actually said "do you come here often", as a joke. I went out with him for a bit.

LolaStarr · 31/08/2016 22:00

Another one that really made me laugh, not me but a friend I was with on a night out... Drunk bloke came up to said friend and asked 'do you like dragons?' She replied 'yeah they're alright' and he asked 'well can I drag my balls across your face?' Grin Pretty sure the poor lad got himself mixed up a bit with that one somewhere! Funnily enough the answer was a definite no!

WellTidy · 31/08/2016 22:02

My cousin's DH and one of my other cousins (male) and I were chatting over a few drinks. Everyone was pretty merry. Cousin's DH beams at me, and then gestures in my direction whilst saying to my male cousin 'she's lively isn't she, I would you know, you would as well wouldn't you?'.

My male cousin is gay, so, no, he wouldn't.

It very relevant that I was in my wedding dress at the time. It all happened at my wedding reception.

Barbadosgirl · 31/08/2016 22:26

This will totally out me but I was 17 and out on a very classy holiday in Tenerife with my best friend. This was back when those mini rucksacks and feather boas were fashionable. Barman gets chatting to us and messes around with our bags and feather boas. We party all night, go to the hotel for a quick change and jump on a plane. Given the state we were in, we were inevitably bag searched at UK customs. Customs officer searches my mini rucksack and finds a bit of paper. Falls about laughing and when she picks herself off the floor, gives it to me to read out to her and her colleagues and my friend. The barman had written me a little love poem, hadn't he? It read:

"Your body fits mine like a flesh tuxedo. I want to sink you with my pink torpedo".

Nearly twenty years on those words are emblazoned on my brain.

Wriggler79 · 31/08/2016 22:41

Barbadosgirl that's a line from a song in the film Spinal Tap! Did you have a curvaceous posterior? (Google those 2 lines) Grin

Barbadosgirl · 31/08/2016 22:58

Right. So not even an original ditty.

Highlandfling80 · 31/08/2016 23:08

A Cypriot taxi driver asked me in front of my mum if I had a boyfriend. I didn't. He replied that I needed to go home and buy all the local young men glasses.

oldspeckledtam · 31/08/2016 23:10

I was ordering drinks at a bar when I felt something wet on my arm. I look down and there is a man gently biting my arm. I pulled away and he leapt up, arms outstretched and yelled "You've been bitten by the love bug!" Then tried to kiss me. Er, no.

I also had a first date where I was told he'd waited his whole life for me, I was an empress and I was his sun goddess. Hmm I text him the next day, thinking he'd come on a bit strong but it could have been the drink, second chance and all that, to get a very cold reply saying it wouldn't work out between us as I was too possessive and clingy. Confused

mamma125 · 31/08/2016 23:32

This might out me as I've told this before, last year I had just found out I was pregnant, baby's dads just informed me he doesn't want to see our child, and I'm walking to catch the bus home. Picture me in the blazing summer heat in a sweater and top knot, no makeup feeling like crap.
This guy starts walking beside me, he starts with "I like your shoes" (ratty old converse type things). And then offers me £50 to LICK my feet! I declined politely, but he followed me all the way to my stop, asking if I had any friends that would let him kiss or lick their feet, he "wasn't fussy" Confused

ArsMamatoria · 31/08/2016 23:42

I was dancing in what what admittedly a pretty seedy club in West London. Some guy started dancing right up against me and whispered in my ear, "I want to lick your arsehole."

I was too shocked to reply. What I should have said is, "Not after the crap I've just had, you don't..."

RockinHippy · 01/09/2016 00:40

The line itself probably isn't so bad in comparison to some of these, but in context it was pretty bad (& hilarious)

A lot of years was out at a venue/club with a group of girlfriends, all dressed up to the nines as you do & chatting away - tap on the shoulder & we are faced with a well known band of the time, lead singer who was supposed to be a bit of a heartthrob making kissy faces whilst rubbing his crotch in our direction & the manager "Hey are you girls in a band, or are you just rock & rollers" way too Spinal Tap Grin several beers down the line, we all just spat beer as we fell about laughing. They stomped off, with the singer hissing "It aint meant to be amusing" GrinGrin

amammabear · 01/09/2016 01:03

I would love to know who that was!!!

elephantoverthehill · 01/09/2016 01:19

'Hi I'm Randy and this here is my hangout, I would love to get to know you. I saw you ride in and will be here -----'. This message was left on my motorbike at Heston services. I did not go back to meet Randy.

WomanFromAnotherPlace · 01/09/2016 01:25

Oh dear, I don't think I've ever had a good chat up line thrown my way. The absolute worst one that sticks in my mind was from when I was at a friend's aunts ruby anniversary and my friend's cousin slimed up to me by the bar and chatted away for about 15 minutes before he said "Right, I'm gonna be honest with you, cos I pride myself on honesty... I really want a shag, and you're probably the only person here I'm not related to and has tits".
I quickly spluttered out something about being married (a total lie). He then started shouting at me that I had lied to him, made him think I was single and he had wasted his time on me, and I wasn't as shit hot as I thought I was (I don't think I am, actually!).

WomanFromAnotherPlace · 01/09/2016 01:34

Oh, thought of another one from about 10 years ago, not so much a chat up line, just yet another of my series of unfortunate events. Met a guy in a club, exchanged numbers. We talked on the phone a few times and was going to arrange meeting up again. During one of our phone conversations I just said I'd have to hang up soon because I was going to have a shower, to which he asked if I liked baths. I said yes, and then he asked if I would like a bath with him. Being as I had only met him once, and not even kissed him I just sort of politely laughed it off and said I didn't want to 'go there'. He then tells me all about how his ex liked to bathe with him and how she let him shave her vagina. Then asks if I'll let him shave my vagina.
I never met up with him again, in case you're wondering.