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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what is the worst attempt at impressing you/chatting you up you've seen or heard?

149 replies

Mycatsabastard · 30/08/2016 22:36

I am 47. I could maybe get away with 45. I was driving back from the shops with DD2 (who is 10) the other day and some yoof in a car with tinted windows (all down) and a big exhaust came alongside me at the lights. He was revving his engine and edging forward. He kept looking at me and winking. He revved his engine some more. He had no top on and looked about 25.

I am not sure if his car was trying to impress my car of it his was a really bad way of trying to get my attention. Nonetheless I found it all highly amusing if bewildering. I have yet to tell my teenager that this is how men will attempt to woo her in the next few years.

Share your horror stories and funnies.

OP posts:

coldcanary · 31/08/2016 07:50

Years ago in the local nightclub. Local drug dealer who thought he was a gangster took a liking to me.
Him: 'I don't do chat up lines, do you fancy a shag later on?'
Me: 'er no thanks mate!'
Him: 'OK, just asking. Do you want a drink anyway? I won't spike it or anything'
Me: nothing. I got out of there so fast I left a dust trail!

Longdistance · 31/08/2016 08:02

I've had someone say that 'I was a palm tree in a desert' I retorted that 'was my hair that bad?'

I also had someone who said 'I know you from somewhere?' I said 'you know what curiosity did to the cat?'

He said 'but I'm a dog', he fell for that one 😜

Pipistrelle40 · 31/08/2016 08:13

Having a drink with a friend several years ago when he turned to me and said 'Can friends become lovers and remain friends'. Said with leer and suggestive wink. Resorted to my usual retort that I needed the toilet urgently.

Have found as have got older old friends whose marriages are breaking up or have already broken up tell me how they have always fancied me. I always laugh pityingly at them.

YelloDraw · 31/08/2016 08:25

Him: 'OK, just asking. Do you want a drink anyway? I won't spike it or anything'

Oh my lord!

There are some crackers here. I love the bowling ball one!

toomuchtooold · 31/08/2016 08:30

This is incredibly outing but my worst one was a chat up at a lesbian club night when I was at uni. One of the local girls came up to my friend, and words were exchanged. My friend turns to me and says, "apparently her friend wants to dance with you." OK, I'm 22, I thought that "my friend fancies your friend" stopped once you left school but whatever, right? A new song came on and I went over and danced with her. About halfway through the song she goes
"So?"
And I'm like "So what?"
"Do you fancy me?"
"I don't know! I just met you!"
"Well you must know by now. You either fancy me or not. Which is it?"
"OK... not, then."

Worst thing was, there'd always been a bit of a divide between the local girls and the uni girls but we'd always got on OKish, but after that they always gave us dirty looks if we went in their pub (and they looked like they could handle themselves) so we had to go to the really expensive bar in town instead. Nearly bankrupted me that year!

CandyOcean · 31/08/2016 08:32

I got chatted up by a bloke in a pub in Leeds about thirty years ago. He was pleasant but a bit dull. He told me he could tell I was 'a strong woman', which pleased my teenage proto-feminist self immensely. He then added, 'You put me in mind of Fatima Whitbread'.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 31/08/2016 08:36

This isn't really funny, but it sticks in my mind because I find it scary in what it says about some men's minds.

I was about 20, sitting on a low wall in a public place waiting for my mate. A bloke comes along, asks me for directions, so I reply nicely. He asks if I'd like a drink, and I say no, I'm waiting for my friend. He continues to witter at me, standing so he's blocking me in against the wall and between me and passers by. He keeps asking would I like a drink, and we could go and have sex after. I rang my mate repeatedly (she wasn't picking up). Eventually, I started ringing everyone in my very tiny phonebook (this was the early days of mobile phones). It must have been utterly obvious I was frightened and didn't want to go with him. I was too young and 'nice' to make a scene, and he was deliberately standing so I couldn't move away. Mind you, no one stopped to ask if I was ok. I think he had me there about half an hour, 45 minutes, repeatedly asking for sex.

Needless to say, I was very relieved when eventually he left and nothing has ever made me feel less like sex!

Oh, and a nicer one for good measure - a bloke I went on a date with (once!) told me seriously that he couldn't buy his condoms in the ordinary shops as he needed extra large. I burst out laughing. He was very offended and confused. Bless.

pullingmyhairout1 · 31/08/2016 08:41

Mine was 'can I have a ride?' He was talking about my motorbike though.

redexpat · 31/08/2016 08:45

Some random bloke on a street in india asked me to be his guru.

Rosae · 31/08/2016 09:00

I once had a guy follow me my walk into uni spouting off every cheesy chat up line you can think of. All those ' is your dad a thief cos there are diamonds in your eyes' ' did it hurt when you fell from heaven' etc. And asking ' go for a drink with me' after each one to be turned down every time. He kept this up the entire 20 minute walk which was actually quite impressive but I had a boyfriend at the time.

thepenguinsrock · 31/08/2016 09:36

A few years ago before I was married my now dh and I had a brief 3 month separation.
I was on a night out when this guy started chatting me up his opening line was " have you ever seen a circumcised penis?" To which I said actually yes then out of nowhere a second guy appeared with "but have you ever seen 2 circumcised penis's?"
The weird/odd thing was I later found out these 2 were brothers 😂

90daychallenger · 31/08/2016 09:44

This will completely out me but bollocks to it.

I used to work at a utility company when I was 19. I hope I don't sound big headed but I did have a lot of men there trying to date me. Two occasions stick out in my head.

The first was when I used to sit opposite a really creepy guy of 41 who was renovating his house. I used to ask how it was going out of politeness. When he'd finished, he brought me photographs into see. The house was awful and about 3/4 of the way through the pack were photos of him in 'sexy' poses in various rooms in his house. He was about 7 stone wet through and had a very odd looking willy.

The second was a guy who worked on the floor above and was really desperate to go out with me for some reason. Out building was always open for people to come and do overtime. One night he got really drunk, came back to the office and covered my entire desk area, including the ceiling, with post-it notes with various love heart inspired messages on 'I love you', 'you're gorgeous', 'will you go out with me'.

Weird people.

Rollyroo · 31/08/2016 09:55

I have told this to EVERYONE because it makes my skin crawl. At DH's sisters wedding this summer. we had just arrived at the reception and everyone was milling around having welcome drinks when a creepy uncle of DH sort of sidled up just behind me, leant forward and muttered in my ear "you must be a spanner.. Every time I see you my nuts tighten". He then did a weird sort of half pigeon coo/ half cat purr and slunk back off into crowd.

See you at Christmas Barry, you massive creep!

BristolLFR · 31/08/2016 10:00

In my early 20s I'd just moved to Bristol and was in the local cheesy nightclub.

A lad came up to me and said (in his broadest West Country accent) "ere right, I've got a maaaasive telly"

I'm still not sure if it was a euphemism, or if he was genuinely proud of his latest purchase.

Worries me to think that line might have actually worked in someone...

BristolLFR · 31/08/2016 10:01

Oh god rolly that's hilarious!

I'm trying to vocalize that sound now...

RuggerHug · 31/08/2016 10:16

Night bus, December. General merriment all around, guy beside me started chatting away. All lovely, then he just said 'you wouldn't want to...yknow, sort us out' while nodding crotchwards. In one of those spring top santa hats. I said no thank you and got 'just thought I'd chance it, Christmas like'. He gave me a can for the walk home from my stop though

MargaretCabbage · 31/08/2016 10:32

Crying at "you put me in mind of Fatima Whitbread".

Aged 19, my friend had a boyfriend with a sleazy little friend. He told me he'd heard I liked chicken (? not especially) and if I was lucky he'd take me to KFC.

VladmirsPoutine · 31/08/2016 10:59

I was buying wine and various bits in Tesco, whilst standing in the queue the man behind me starts asking if I'd like some company to drink my wine. I quietly say no but he continues to persist in spending the evening with me. Finally a woman a few places behind him says "For fuck sake! Leave that woman alone, she doesn't want to talk to you nor does she want to drink her wine with you!".
Thank you kind stranger!

toomuchtooold · 31/08/2016 11:03

Oh wait can I have a mention for the time when I was 33, my dad had terminal lung cancer, and I was on the train up north to see him for Christmas. I'd just found out that the Marie Curie lady was going to be looking after my dad that night which meant there was nowhere for me to sleep, so I was trying to get my laptop on to book a hotel, but the battery was down so I was looking for a seat with a socket. I found one next to this wee guy, a squaddie, must have been about 16 and a quarter, and he's all like "If it was me getting a hotel room it would be party central" [suggestive wink], asked me for my number, I told him I was married, and fucking twice his age"canny blame a bloke for trying though eh," we got off the train at Glasgow central and his mum's at the train door waiting to give him a big cuddle.
It was kind of sweet in a way.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 31/08/2016 11:27

I was told I had "great legs the best I've seen" by a random man. When that inexplicably failed to win my heart, he started appearing randomly on my route to/from work. The creepiest bit was that this happened even when I went another way to avoid him.
I was young then and hideously shy. I like to think I'd deal with it all a bit more robustly now.

Also at Fatima Whitbred.

Applejack29 · 31/08/2016 11:37

In a bar with a group of friends and we get talking to a group of men, the one I'm talking to has a splinter and he asks me to give him a hand getting it out so I'm holding his hand and working this splinter up through his finger when he says 'babe you're nails are gorgeous!' I thank him politely but then he leans in a whispers in my ear: 'they'd look even better wrapped around my cock!'

I just ducked my head and tried to stifle my laughs and he said 'aww bless are you shy?' I just nodded!

Moonrocks6 · 31/08/2016 11:54

In a club in my 20s. Older man at the bar started talking to me. I wasn't attracted to him in any way, just being polite as I waited to be served.

My drink arrived and I went to leave. He said:
"So how about it beautiful? You're just my wife's type and I'd love to double dip you both."

The look of revulsion on my face must have been obvious because he followed it up with:
" it's ok darling it's not cheating. She likes me to be bring little treats home to her."

ick, ick, ick!

shellistar · 31/08/2016 12:43

Possibly outing as I tell this story a lot:

One lovely summers evening I was walking to the bus stop through a not particularly affluent area and minding my own business after finishing work. I was accosted by a gentleman walking in the opposite direction on the opposite side of the street. He was topless, blessed with few teeth and wearing a pair of tracky bottoms with his t-shirt tucked over his shoulder. He looked my way and shouted over to me:

"Hey love, can I ask ya a question?"
"Okayyyyyy" I replied
"Are ya a single mutha?" he asked
"No" I replied, curious
"Dya wanna be?"

I scuttled away as fast as I could manage but it was a hilarious exchange!

Cellardoor23 · 31/08/2016 12:55

My name is commonly associated with a character on the tv. A lot of guys have thought it was a good idea to use it as a chat up line. No, just no.

My DP admitted he almost used that line when he first met me. He was wise not to!

CandyOcean · 31/08/2016 12:57

Don't get me wrong, Fatima Whitbread is/was an amazing athlete and seems like a nice woman, but at the time I fancied myself as being a bit of a slinky rock chick (oh teenage delusions!) so Javelin Thrower wasn't the look I was going for!

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