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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect someone to ask me before they offer my child a day out

106 replies

sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:42

I've had a friend I don't know that well offer to take my daughter out for the day to the beach. Problem is they asked her first without checking with me so now I feel totally stuck. It's not something I'm that comfortable with but my fears are probably irrational so I feel guilty cancelling something as I know she will be totally gutted. I just wish she would have asked me first not in front of my daughter. I thought it was a kind of unwritten rule that you checked with parents first?

OP posts:
DoJo · 29/08/2016 23:44

How old is your daughter?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 29/08/2016 23:46

You could always say no if you don't want her to go. Say you have other plans.

Original poster
sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:46

She is 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:48

She said what are you doing tomorrow and I responded before I knew what was being offered. To be honest it was arranged by the fact that I said nothing and she said great I want to take them to the beach and the girls started dancing around the room. I kind of felt like I couldn't say no. I mean I know I can say no, I just feel a bit shitty doing it.

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 29/08/2016 23:49

Can't you go too?

converseandjeans · 29/08/2016 23:50

Can you go along too? Or say you don't want her in the sea? I wouldn't trust anyone to take mine in the sea. Also depends on how busy a beach it is. If it is a fairly quiet one they should be fine.

Original poster
sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:50

No unfortunately I can't leave the puppy for long and got no one to watch her or I would

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 29/08/2016 23:52

Can you not take the dog or leave it with a relative?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 29/08/2016 23:53

Take the puppy along. Dogs love beaches.

Original poster
sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:53

I know I have to say no or say yes and be happy. I'm just pissed off for not being given a chance to say no before my daughter heard and I sound really ungrateful as it is a nice offer and I think she was just trying to be kind

OP posts:
debbs77 · 29/08/2016 23:54

Likely not allowed the dog on the beach at this time of year

Original poster
sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:54

She is too little to be out all day yet. I'm not even sure what beaches allow dogs this time of year.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/08/2016 23:55

YANBU.

I'd say no to thst, because I'm rather paranoid about the beach and safety in general. With the recent deaths in the UK, my guard would be up even more and I would only have trusted myself or my sisters when DCs were that age.

Sorry, but it would be a no. Your DD will get over it.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 29/08/2016 23:57

I don't think she did too much wrong tbh, just trying to be nice.

If someone asks what I'm doing on x day I always say "I'm not sure I think I've got an appointment, why?" Then I 'check my phone' and decide whether I have an appointment or not Grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/08/2016 00:48

Well the thought is there obviously, but I don't blame you for not wanting her to go.
Too many tragedies have happened on beaches these last few weeks.

There is no way my dd would have been allowed to go.
6 is far too young.

TealLove · 30/08/2016 00:51

6 is v little.
I have friend who does this. Beaches and swimming are the things I need to be there personally and DD is 9. Just have a fear about water.

paddlingpool · 30/08/2016 01:01

She definitely should have asked you first, very annoying xx

purplefox · 30/08/2016 01:08

YANBU

I had a similar issue last week, before school (I wasn't there as he goes to a breakfast club) one of DS (6) friend's parents "invited" him for a play date and told him he'd pick him up on the Friday after school, DS then went and told the after school club he wouldn't be there on the Friday, I knew nothing of it until the next day when they asked me to confirm he wouldn't need collected from school on the Friday. Angry

VioletBam · 30/08/2016 01:38

YANBU and if your instinct says she isn't to go, then she should NOT go just to please this person who you don't know very well.

Just call her up and say she has a temperature.

If you don't want to lie, say "I'm sorry I said yes because I didn't want to dissapoint DD since you asked in front of her, but I don't want her to go because while I said we weren't doing anything, what I meant was we weren't going anywhere. I had planned to have a Mum and daughter day and want to carry on with that.

And tell her to check with JUST you next time.

VioletBam · 30/08/2016 01:39

I had a neighbour like this. She was just a bit TOO keen to spend time with my DDs and she'd say things like "What are you wearing for Halloween? I can do your makeup! Wouldn't that be fun! You can come over here and we'll eat sweets and do your makeup!"

Hmm

They liked her as she was young...and had one small toddler who they adored but erm...EXCUSE ME....you won't be doing all those things with my DDs because that's MY job!

I just brushed her off.

drinkingtea · 30/08/2016 07:38

It can be quite hard to find a time to ask a parent without the child hearing though - its not as if your friend went behind your back and got your dd excited about a trip then asked you the next day...

In the natural course of things I find I always get asked in front of my kids rather than privately, and tbh have never had a huge problem saying no in front of them. It can be annoying, but the other way around and they'd have less opportunities...

I'm personally a bit surprised that the puppy outranks the dd... have you nobody you can leave it with and go along to the beach, or is your and your dd's entire summer revolving around staying in with a puppy?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 07:43

Yanbu at all, of course she should have checked with you. I would not be happy with this situation. I would say no.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 30/08/2016 07:55

I wouldn't let my daughter go either. If you feel you have to though, go with her and take the puppy. A little beach tent to put the puppy in will be fine. Nobody is going to complain about a cute little puppy on the beach. Your friend didn't really mean anything wrong, she probably thought she was being helpful and lovely, maybe if it was a trip to the park or the cinema you'd feel different. Explain to her how nervous the beach trip makes you.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2016 07:59

The deaths around British beaches recently have either been people storm watching and getting it wrong, or adults swimming out too far and getting into difficulties. Not 6 year olds paddling.

Yes, she should have asked you first.

But if you trust the person, you are a bit U to say no to the beach.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 08:03

The thing is, op does not know the mum well, so that would be concerning, for that I woukd say no. Yes it is more dangerous around beaches, you do have to be more vigilant with little ones, especially if it's crowded and they can get list easily.