to expect someone to ask me before they offer my child a day out

[sillyhats]

I've had a friend I don't know that well offer to take my daughter out for the day to the beach. Problem is they asked her first without checking with me so now I feel totally stuck. It's not something I'm that comfortable with but my fears are probably irrational so I feel guilty cancelling something as I know she will be totally gutted. I just wish she would have asked me first not in front of my daughter. I thought it was a kind of unwritten rule that you checked with parents first?

[BertrandRussell]

Fully grown adults have died on the beach because they have swum out into rip tides after drinking. Or have been storm chasing. To suggest this means there is a risk to 6 year olds going paddling is utterly absurd.

[MrsJayy]

A 6 yr old isn't going to die because she went paddeling with another parent scaremongering much

[converseandjeans]

Sorry but my father lost his life last summer rescuing a couple of teenagers who were paddling in shallow water and they got swept out unexpectedly. So those saying it will be fine don't know for sure. I wouldn't want someone else taking my kids to the beach without me and I am fairly relaxed and not overly strict. So it's not scaremongering at all.

[BertrandRussell]

.

I am very, very sorry your father lost his life. But I very much doubt that the teenagers concerned were paddling on a family beach on a calm summer's day. I can well understand why you are hypersensitive on this issue. But I hope you can see why posts like yours are unhelpful in this context.

[converseandjeans]

It was a quiet sunny day. They were just paddling. Hidden rip tide. Water looked otherwise calm. Family beach. So I think the OP is being totally reasonable.

[jellybeans]

This annoys me too. However I am honest in my old age and would say thank you that is a kind offer but I don't feel right with that yet.

[Excited101]

Freak accidents can happen of course, but they can happen anywhere in any way, going in a car and being around cars is probably one of the most dangerous things we do on a regular basis and yet people don't get up in arms about it because it's so normalised.

I'm still shocked at how many people wouldn't let their children go to a beach with another family and it saddens me that such a lovely experience of many's childhoods is being denied to children today.

[SomedayBaby]

I wouldn't let dc aged 8 and 6 go to the beach with anyone other than dh or me. That includes with other close family members like our parents or siblings.

People have such different priorities and no matter how well you know someone, you'll never know exactly how much they will restrict dc in activities you think are dangerous iyswim? And a beach is one scenario I wouldn't risk at all.

Ds2 went to a friends house for a playdate a few months back, aged 5. The mum was in her 40's, very well-to-do, seemed lovely - intelligent, professional job etc....we got on great. I turned up to find 5 year old ds and his friend bouncing on the trampoline with a gobstopper in their mouths, which they'd been doing on and off all day...made me feel sick but the mum though there was nothing wrong with that.

We go to the beach regularly because we live on the coast. The number of families I see on the beach who let their dc into the sea up to around waist level when they are not within grabbing distance (or close to it)...or the parents that wander up to the icecream van, leaving dc in the water as they're 'only paddling' is fucking scary.

[ParkingLottie]

Agreeing with BertrandR and Obl here.
If a friend is a good enough acquaintance to have been stood in your house, is the parent of another child and you have no reason to believe that they will arrive at the beach, spark up a spliff, open a can of Tennants Extra and wave the girls off cliff jumping, why the anxiety?

Presumably this woman trusted her DC to you, or vice versa, to have been in your house?

You can always say 'just to get it clear in my mind, I don't allow dd in inflatables or deeper than her shins and next to me when paddling, is that OK with you?'

[LearningHowToFly]

My in laws always used to do this, we had everything from telling my very young DS1 and 2 that they were taking them abroad to the beach the following year to picking them from school, the school thing happened, the holiday didn't but every time they did it it was done without asking/telling us first. Often they promised and didn't follow it up and we were left to explain why it wasn't happening. In the end we had to have words and say please ask us before you promise these things to the boys. MIL was not impressed and has now gone to the other extreme but it is easier.

[LaPampa]

I'd only let my daughter go if I knew that the adult taking them had similar ideas about watching the children to me. I know some parents who don't seem overly concerned if the kids are out of their sight so long as they aren't bothering the adults. However, at a beach scenario with multiple risks (eg water, cliffs, other people etc) I just wouldn't be comfortable. I no longer find beaches relaxing as I can't read/ sleep without one beady eye on my children. Also, I don't let my daughter paddle without me nearby but others might have different attitudes.

Anyway, I can see why it's stressful. Sad for the daughter that the puppies needs have to come first but I can see that it is a tricky situation. Surely there is a dog friendly place that would be a compromise?

[monstiebags]

I think this is a very strange thing to do - i would not let her go, it's a dodgy way to behave so I wouldn't trust these parents with my child near water - sounds paranoid I know, but what can happen will happen - if you are feeling vibes about it go with your gut.

[Daydream007]

Bang out of order she should have asked you first

[user1470055656]

I think she should have asked you first. Very surprised by the number of people who wouldn't let their children go to the beach without them. Seems such a shame to deny them such a happy day out. But each to their own.

[Evilwickedmeanandnasty]

I think YADNBU.
When my DD was 9 and at a friends house for a play date, I got a phone call from her friend (also 9) to see if DD could go to Alton Towers with them. I had no choice but to say yes as they were already in the car and driving there when they phoned. Obviously her mum couldn't phone as she was driving but I was livid. It wasn't long after the big accident where those poor people lost limbs etc and I was really upset about them taking her without permission.
Your friend probably didn't think and asked off the cuff, but it's a big responsibility to take someone's else's child somewhere like that and she should have asked you first, not put you on the spot. Bad form!

[DaisyChops]

Everybody seems to be talking about the beach here and all the risks (and ice cream).

But, OP, going back to your original point, she should have asked you first, not in front of your DD!!! My in-laws do it to me and it drives me insane, they inform me they are taking my children out in front of them when it really doesn't suit me and put me in such an awkward position.

[converseandjeans]

excited you are spot on there with the fact that getting in a car carries a much bigger risk. Crossing the road probably even more so!
I think that being a parent means we all assess risks ourselves and make decisions that suit us & our family. So whilst I am probably not at all relaxed about the sea, I may be more relaxed than others about different things.
We should respect decisions that other parents make & not judge them. i think I'd probably make an excuse if it was something I didn't want them doing.

[cheval]

It's also common courtesy, never mind the safety aspect. Of course they should check with you first. I would decline and take your daughter somewhere else for a treat with you.

[Buttercupsandaisies]

Just take the puppy. I took my 10 week old and she slept the entire time! I left my puppy from 8 weeks building up time to 4 hours at 15 weeks. It helps stops separation anxiety.

No one will notice or bat an eye at a puppy it'll sleep all day

[Mycraneisfixed]

I'd let her go if she wants to. Why not? If you're that worried go with them: the puppy won't die from being left alone a few hours. Do you have a large crate for the puppy? It'll sleep while you're out.
(I don't think it's kind to take puppies or dogs to the beach. They don't enjoy the sand or the heat)

[pollymere]

A friend once let me down hugely to the point I don't trust her to look after my daughter. She then invited my dd to the zoo without asking me first. I then had to explain to my dd the real reason she couldn't go and find something to do to make up for it. I don't think you're being unreasonable. If the kid had asked your dd, it's different but an adult offering anything to your child will always put you in an awkward situation as you are essentially unable to say no or risk being considered as the meany/bad person. I've always asked parents first, even for birthday party invites as that way the parent can control the situation.

[Helentad]

Definitely should have spoken to you first. My nieces are 15 & 17 and I still ask mum first I would never ask the child before asking the parent.

[KingLooieCatz]

I hate it when people go "What are you doing such a day?" without disclosing the purpose of the enquiry. It traps you, unless you think fast enough. I'd like to hear the suggestion then decide, not have it assumed that if I have no concrete plans I will do what someone else wants me to do. DB is very guilty of this, I have learnt to just vaguely say I'm not sure what we're doing that day, why? It might turn to to be babysitting for 5 hours.

[RosieMumOfOne]

I think YABU. She is being nice and children love the beach. Pug your DD first and go along too. Get someone to look after the bloody dog. Let your DD have some fun before school starts again and allow her time to not be restricted by urging your dog's welfare before hers.