Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to expect someone to ask me before they offer my child a day out

106 replies

sillyhats · 29/08/2016 23:42

I've had a friend I don't know that well offer to take my daughter out for the day to the beach. Problem is they asked her first without checking with me so now I feel totally stuck. It's not something I'm that comfortable with but my fears are probably irrational so I feel guilty cancelling something as I know she will be totally gutted. I just wish she would have asked me first not in front of my daughter. I thought it was a kind of unwritten rule that you checked with parents first?

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 30/08/2016 10:32

Bertrand, I think you've got it spot on. No one I know in RL would think twice about most of the scenarios that people get their knickers in a twist about here. I bet there are plenty of first time parents here who, when left to their own instincts, would make sensible decisions. But they read the views of a vocal anxious minority and start to doubt themselves.

Also, people don't know how to calculate risk, by taking into account severity AND likelihood.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/08/2016 10:48

I can't see a problem. I'd be jumping for joy if someone offered to take my kids to the beach. They're 6, I'm pretty sure that they'll just be paddling, she's not going to be waving them off in a dinghy as the wind blows them across to France... or whatever!

VioletBam · 30/08/2016 11:17

Would people REALLY let their child go for a day out with someone they don't know very well?

It's got NOTHING to do with it being a beach....or the puppy....the child is SIX and the OP doesn't know this person well she says.

Who the fuck let's their DC off for the day with someone they don't know very well??

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2016 11:23

She says she's a friend.

Oblomov16 · 30/08/2016 11:25

I respect the sea and recognise the sea can be dangerous and can catch people unawares.

I choose to only go paddling up to my knees. That's my choice. My dh took our 2 boys a bit deeper, just below their waists, at Weymouth beach last week. They splashed safely. Then my husband decided it was time to come back in. The 3 of them walked back to where I was still standing, knee height.
Tonnes and tonnes of people were out deeper. That's their choice. Lots of lifeguards around.

I dont see the risk, if you show respect to the sea.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/08/2016 11:29

Hm.

I don't have a problem per se with others taking my children to a beach.

But I think this woman sounds a bit unsensible - surely you would know to test it out with the adult first so as not to get the kids hopes up?

And if she doesn't "get" that then it might give me a bit of a pause about her being in charge of the kids.

Obviously she meant well and is probably lovely but it does sound a bit impulsive and unthought-through, especially consider you don't know her well.

VioletBam · 30/08/2016 11:41

Bertrand it's not a friend if she doesn't know her very well is she?

Some people use the word friend very loosely I've noticed.

VioletBam · 30/08/2016 11:43

For me it's less to do with the dangers of the sea but the dangers of letting your child go off with someone you don't know very well.

Why would you?

I mean....I send my kids to schools and clubs with people I don't know very well but they're police checked teachers.

I wouldn't just send a child as small as OPs off with someone I didn't know very well!

My DD who is 12 now has sleepovers at kid's homes whose parents I don't know very well...but she's twelve! Capable of making judgements and carrying a phone.

PartiallyStars · 30/08/2016 11:49

Well my six year old is currently having a playdate at his friend from school's house and I can't say I know the mum "very well" - she has been in here and had a cup of tea when picking her little boy up from playing round, and I know her job and her name, and that she has two children, but that is all. I would probably be OK with anyone I thought of as a "friend" taking him to the beach as long as I didn't have concerns about their reliability (which you might have even if you know them very well) or they were going to be the sole adult in charge of more than two children, probably. We are quite near the beach though and go a lot, if that makes a difference.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2016 11:52

"For me it's less to do with the dangers of the sea but the dangers of letting your child go off with someone you don't know very well"

How do you "vet" your child's friends parents, then?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 30/08/2016 11:58

All the posters complaining about the puppy have obviously never had a dog. You can't leave it for longer than a couple of hours for those first few weeks. They're still babies and they're still toilet training. They can very easily develop separation anxiety and that can leads to all sorts of problems later on. You have to be vigilant but it's only for a short while. I'm sure the child won't melt if she doesn't get to go to that beach on that exact day. Similarly I'm sure she'll be fine if she goes with the friend. She's hardly likely to let someone's child wander off and drown.

MoreCoffeeNow · 30/08/2016 12:02

We carted friends of the DSs all over the place, even took 2 on holiday with us. And they went with friends.

Another one who agrees with Bertrand.

mydietstartsmonday · 30/08/2016 12:03

However well I know the friend I would not let my 6 year old go to the beach without me. You have to watch children all the time especially with the tides and water.

BertrandRussell · 30/08/2016 12:05

Why on earth do you thing the friend is not going to watch the water and the tides? She has her own girl there as well............

VioletBam · 30/08/2016 12:05

Bertrand honestly? Neither of mine went to people's houses alone until about year 2. All the Mums and Dad's at their school arranged park trips and softplay....we'd meet up in small groups or pairs.

It was the norm. After 2 years...reception and year 1...parties and soft plays and park trips and also some nights out together, then I "knew" them well enough to let my child go to their home.

Sometimes I was asked to go to DDs friend's houses with her...and I invited them to mine too....but anyway...an entire day out at the beach is not comparible to an hour at someone's house after school is it?

MrsJayy · 30/08/2016 12:12

Why dont you want her to go you obviously like this woman enough to be around her how can you be friends with somebody you dont know well she got a bit enthusiastic but its just the beach im sure she is capable of looking after your dd Yabu a little bit.

MrsJayy · 30/08/2016 12:17

When mine were that age we had other kids go on days out and ours went out with friends has it got so bad that we trust nobody with our children?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/08/2016 12:17

To me it would depend partly a) on the particular beach, since they vary so much - generally very calm or surf type waves, very shallow water for a good way, or shelving steeply, and
b) whether the friend is at all ditsy, or likely to be looking at her phone half or most of the time she's supposed to be watching them.

If it's a beach with generally calm sea and very shallow shelving, and you know the friend to be entirely sensible* I think I'd be inclined to let her go. Bit I'd probably be in a tizz until she was safely home.
*I think I'd make her promise NOT to check her phone AT ALL while they're on the beach!

MrsJayy · 30/08/2016 12:20

Op say yes or no but be confident with your decision dont feel shitty either way its not your friends fault you cant make a decision.

TotallySpies17 · 30/08/2016 12:22

I disagree with a lot of the pps! I think it's a kind offer and if you know the other parent then I can't see any red flag for not trusting her.
Equally if you don't want her to go then be honest and I'm sure she'll understand. I've offered to have kids for sleepovers and mums have said no because they feel they are too young. I've not been offended and we've simply made other plans instead which everyone is happy with.

MrsJayy · 30/08/2016 12:26

Totallyspies exactly parent friendships really need to be honest and up front no dithering parents usually understand

paxillin · 30/08/2016 12:32

I prefer to be asked beforehand, but many people don't. I have therefore always said to my dc that parents need to be asked first, don't get excited before I said yes. I followed it through, too. I had to turn down a couple of "dance around the room" offers so they no longer assume. Also the people who ask the kids first stopped doing it because they, too feel wretched if this happens.

PartiallyStars · 30/08/2016 12:45

Well this thread makes sense of a situation at nursery where I asked the parent of a friend DS1 had made (via a note as I didn't know her) if her child could come round and play and she said he was never, ever free. Never ever. I found this bizarre at the time but now I realise she thought I was potentially a mad axe murderer!

paxillin · 30/08/2016 15:12

PartiallyStars

I never did playdates before reception age, I wanted other kids to be totally secure in their toileting before I started. I wouldn't have agreed either because I didn't want to host a reciprocal one at that age.

mygorgeousmilo · 30/08/2016 15:21

You are not being paranoid, it's a big trip to the beach, and many fully grown adults have died this year on our beaches. The sea is really dangerous and I would need to really know and trust someone to the absolute limits to let them take my 6yo to the beach without me. The holidays are almost over, can you not just all go and take the puppy with you? We were at the beach a few days ago and there were plenty of dogs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5