To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

[CedricSydneySneer]

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

I hope to have a strong relationship with my dc when they grow up and their partners of course.

I wonder if it's hard to find the boundaries sometimes. Too interfering vs too indifferent.

In my situation when I had my babies my mum helped by sending meals over, looking after the older dc, running around buying nipple shields and cream and bringing me painkillers.

Mils help was to throw a dinner party two weeks post birth, offer to take me shopping and for a makeover to get back to normal and offers to take the baby. None of which I found helpful but are probably what she would have liked. I didn't feel able to speak up because in her mind she was being kind.

I know none of that has anything to do with love for the gc but it means I naturally turn to my mum.

I honestly think that most mil/dil problems stem from the mil causing trouble or being intrusive/difficult.

That doesn't make sense to me. The MIL will have been a DIL herself at one stage. At what point do you stop being a badly treated DIL and instead become an evil MIL. The moment your son gets married?

And who is the badddie of the piece if the MIL's MIL is still alive?

CedricSydneySneer - why did you take up your mil's time & money to do these things when you found them unhelpful? You should have just said no. Instead you ensured you got your treat & are now being a tad ungrateful in my opinion. Mil isn't your mum, she shouldn't be expected to mother you, but she can be your friend it you let her & to do that you need to open up communication.

Bunty there's rarely a baddie, it's more likely just different ideas, different tolerance levels, if the dil is the main carer for the dc and she doesn't have a great relationship with the in laws she might back off.

Running I did say no. However I made excuses when what I actually wanted to say was that it was my idea of hell.

I think communication is key. Too many people simmering with annoyance and the other party not even having a scooby they've caused offence!

Bunty that's right but to be honest I don't think my mil will ever understand me and I'll never understand her. We're still nice to each other but unlikely to ever become close.

Same here Cedric. Have spent over a decade trying to build a relationship while the inlaws do fuck all. Their loss.

I honestly think that most mil/dil problems stem from the mil causing trouble or being intrusive/difficult.
Don't agree with that at all, for all the Mils being intrusive/difficult there's probably an equal number of daughter in laws being the same. It's society on the whole, nice people/nasty people, throw them into a mix, and you've got the ingredients for all of that. Mils don't suddenly become nasty, neither do daughter in laws, they've probably been that way all their lives.

Cedricby your worrying about this shows you won't be that mil.

I agree with that ^^

Much depends on the closeness of the family in the first place. If you aren't close to your DC, you won't be close to your GC.

My DH doesn't isn't that close to his family, so naturally my DC aren't that close to his parents.

My DCs could walk past their cousins on his side in the street. It's a terrible shame. They could also walk past some of his siblings and vice versa. My DCs could go a whole year without seeing his parents, yet they would not go a month or two without seeing mine who live in another city.

My sister's MIL is a real handful and my Dsis keeps her at bay. My BIL isn't overly fussed on visiting her, so she doesn't she the GC as much. If she wasn't such a pain, my Dsis would have taken them to see her on her own a lot more.

When she had one DC, her MIL went to see the baby in hospital and told my sister how her body snapped back into shape after having each of her DCs and she was wearing her jeans the next day.

While my mum travelled the 200 miles down to help my sister out for 3 weeks with her first DC, my MIL told my sister she was lucky to be getting spoilt liked that, as in her days she had to manage all by herself.

My mum promptly told her that yes, she too struggled alone, as my GM was I'm another country, but that's the very reason she didn't want my Dsis to struggle.

The best her FIL could do was to say not to breastfeed too long, as her DH (his son) would be missing out on them.

Cedric both proposals from your mum and your MIL would have been my idea of hell.
The difference, imo, between your mum and your MIL is that your mum will know you better so is likely to hit the jackpot better.

You really don't have to worry all those with sons who are getting scared.
If you have a good relationship with your son and he has seen both sets of grandparents treated equally he will most likely see it as the norm. You need to be in friendly terms with your DIL before they have the child. A lot of the problems on MN seem to be a MIL who wants a day out alone with the grandchild but never a day alone with DIL.

I was on a bus today and a little boy, who looked about 4yrs, sat behind me with his grandfather. For the whole 15mins I was there they chatted away and obviously enjoyed each other's company and were completely relaxed.
I wasn't the only one to notice - a couple who got off at the same remarked how lovely it was and how the grandfather was explaining things at just the right level.

This is what I mean- they make their own relationship and how the mother feels about the grandfather ,and how comfortable she feels with him, is completely irrelevant.

Should all those mothers with daughters be equally scared, as in all those mothers with sons are one day going to be the dreaded Mil to their daughters only joking, I really don't know anyone though who worries to that extent, unless of course they just worry about the future in general.

I just think it sad that this sort of thread makes some women very worried.
It is all individual.
I don't know any adult who says they are closer to a particular grandparent because their mother was! It is between them and their grandparents.

Maybe all those mothers with DDs should be scared by the scientific evidence that MIL is the grandparent who shares the most genes!

I'm not very worried, I'm not losing sleep. It's crossed my mind when I've thought about other people I know.

Who knows my sons might be gay, they may never have children, perhaps they'll emigrate.

I'd prefer they meet partners and be happy than worry about me either way.

Are people worried though, freshhorizons has anyone actually said they are? Personally I've never come across anyone who worries about that kind of thing. They surely have far more immediate worries.

Bunty yes but I have several friends who are generally nice but seem to change into complete loons where their kids are concerned, especially their darling boys. No girl is good enough. It's very strange.

I do also think that if you bring your kids up in a happy, loving and with a massive sense of fun environment they tend to choose partners who are generally nice and pretty normal.

as a mil you are the older woman generally) and I think it really does set the whole relationship if you are welcoming and we'll just nice.

On a completely different note. Had my darling 5 month old grandson to stop the night. We had granny cuddles at 1am and 4am and 6 am. dh looked at me and said 'how the fuck did we do this 4 times'
indeed.

the bottom line is you are usually on the same page. with your in laws you are not.

yorkie are these friends happy with their own DH;s?

I have a theory sometimes when they are not they tranfer these feelings onto their sons

I was responding to the people on here who said they were worried- I am not going to trawl back through looking for them.

I'm not worried - but then I don't believe the old garbage of 'a daughter is a daughter all her life................' But some people do.

It is individual, geographical and to do with the personalities of the children and grandparents. Also mad to assume that you will have grandchildren or that your DD will have grandchildren. Even if they do they may emigrate to Australia or marry someone you don't like.

None of it is worth worrying about. Just keep your relationships healthy with your children and their friends and partners.

I'm surprised anyone thinks that everyone is on the same page as their own mother! Lots of problem parents on here and some women find their PIL a blessed relief!

just possibly and I hadn't thought of that very interesting point.

Fresh indeed