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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

330 replies

CedricSydneySneer · 29/08/2016 22:41

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 07:13

Here it is with diagrams of the genetics behind it
( Maybe, unconsciously this is why a DIL who doesn't care much for her MIL gives them less access because they are closer genetically than her own mother.)

BadToTheBone · 02/09/2016 07:38

It's certainly true in dh's family, but that's entirely down to my IL's, they've actively made that decision themselves, they're very involved in the lives of SIL's children but not mine. When I was pg MIL told me about children being closer to the mothers parents and said they wouldn't be involved as they'd let my parents be closer. It was s shock to me as I was very close to my dads parents and they were very active in my life, the same as my mums parents were. It makes me sad for my DC, whereas mil thinks she's doing the right thing.

It's made me more determined to strive for a close relationship with my future DIL, not to be full on though, lol. Just to be respectful and kind to her and to be there for my gc as much as possible. Obviously location has a big factor to play though, although it'll require more effort, it's possible.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/09/2016 07:38

Have to admit, I have got friends (who are genuinely nice people) who I've see try to keep their MIL at arm's length in the past. Including one resenting spending a day at Christmas with MIL when the alternative is MIL would be alone. However they've now got a really good relationship and MIL (who is lovely too) is closer to the children than maternal GM because she provides childcare. But that first attitude towards MIL is sad in my eyes.

Oblomov16 · 02/09/2016 07:48

I thought no this is generally true, of all the school mums I see.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/09/2016 07:50

I also overheard a conversation at a railway station once where an older lady was saying that she never got to see her son's children. She kept offering for the children to come and stay with her in the country for a few days but was always turned down and got the feeling her DIL didn't like her. Yet the other GM saw the DC regularly and ran a business with her daughter.
Then she added "That's the difference between your son having children and your daughter having children. When your daughter has children they're like your own. When your son has children, they're not yours, they're 'hers'".

Leaving me thinking, but what if you've only got sons... Sad

I also know another grandmother who wasn't allowed to pick up her GC without asking her DIL's permission. Even though they live hours away so the occasions for picking up are limited anyway. Sad.

ZanyMobster · 02/09/2016 07:55

I am really close to my mum however when DH's mum was alive she used to call me and come and visit the DCs when he was at work. We had a very good relationship, unfortunately she died when the DCs were little (she was 67). The relationship with her and the DCs was different to with my mum as MIL was not naturally maternal (actually DHs step mum and never had children herself) but she was lovely and would babysit too. FIL is an alcoholic so not allowed to see the DCs on his own and in his bad periods can't see them at all.

My brother has a DS and he is much closer to my parents than my brothers in laws as there is no FIL around and MIL is an alcoholic. She will look after him but sporadically depending on her state. My parents have him at least once a week for a full day and often overnight.

It doesn't always work out the way described in the OP but if the daughter has a very close relationship with their parents then this will naturally monopolise the DCs I think, I have 2 DSs so I am hoping we are close enough we can still have a close relationship with their DCs.

ZanyMobster · 02/09/2016 07:58

I have just thought from my own point of view, as children DB and I were really close to my dad's parents but not my mums, we stayed there twice a week and went on holiday with them etc. My mum's mum is not a nice person.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/09/2016 07:59

Maybe, unconsciously this is why a DIL who doesn't care much for her MIL gives them less access because they are closer genetically than her own mother.

Maybe, although I think you can overcome that through familiarity, like with stepchildren? I am quite a shy person but after spending time MIL felt almost as close to her as with my own mum, and could be myself around her. It was great having a second 'mum' figure until she died to be honest and my mum encouraged my relationship with MIL too.
Although I was also lucky to get a good MIL who was open to having that relationship and who was not at all judgemental.

nicolachristine · 02/09/2016 08:01

It is the other way around for us'p

sentia · 02/09/2016 08:25

When your son has children, they're not yours, they're 'hers'"

My children are not my mothers'! What a very bizarre thing to say.

FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 08:32

I was a bit tongue in cheek there, IFinishedtheBiscuits. However I have always wondered why people who can't stand their MIL don't realise that they can produce a mini version!

Very bizarre sentia - there is a lot of 'possessiveness' on this thread as if children are a blank sheet with no mind of their own.
It saddens me that the whole thing is about the adults - when children make their own relationships and it is about the quality of those relationships and not the quantity.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 08:32

Frock

What utter ridiculous and sexist bollocks Sandy.

Not sexist at all. It's my experience and that of lots of people I know. This has been discussed before with them.

By and large females are more caring and are the ones to call their elderly parents and pop in to see them more.

That doesn't mean it happens in every single situation, but it happens a lot.

FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 08:35

Again it is geography Sandy . My brother does the daily caring for our elderly mother, I see her 4 times a year.

ZanyMobster · 02/09/2016 08:36

I do think it in inevitable that the relationship of the adults will effect the relationship with the grandchildren. If the MIL/FIL was abusive in any way, an alcoholic etc etc then this is bound to affect how much they see the GC and what sort of relationship they have.

In the early days when my FIL's drinking was slightly more controlled than it is now, DH would take the DCs round once a week to visit, now we can't take that chance as no idea what we're going to find, this of course affects the DCs relationship with him. Also I am not close to him so when I was a SAHM I would never invite him round for a cuppa with me so it was down to DH. We have never stopped him seeing them at all but have to be very careful when.

The other way round, my DH is close to my parents and has a relationship with them in his own right, not through me.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/09/2016 08:39

Fresh I think you're right about possessiveness. I think it takes a village to raise a child and the more input they get from a wide range of people (within reason of course) the more they grow up with a rounded sense of the world and can make their own decisions on religion, ethics etc.

FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 08:40

I think it is all outdated beyond babyhood anyway. These days most mothers work and want free childcare to cover school holidays- and it is a lot to place on just one set of grandparents.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 08:40

With regards to the comment about the gc being the maternal grandmothers, it's not to be taken literally.

It's just to do with the woman's relationship with her own mother and the more relaxed relationship with the dgc as a result of that.

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 08:43

Exactly IFinishedtheBiscuits and the children of the possessive ones are the most likely to turn up on the 'but I took you to stately homes' thread because the adults are making it all about themselves rather than placing the child in the centre.

FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 08:44

Exactly Cedric - about the adults.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 08:47

My mum has upset sil before by offering unwanted opinions about the dc. It's not that my mum loves my dc more she just perhaps feels she can do what she wants with them.

I think this is very true. In fact mum would hold back on saying things to my ex SIL, that she would say to me or my sisters about the DCs, so as not to cause offence and my mum was a midwife so she knew what she was talking about.

Some DILS are very difficult and MILS who don't want the headache will back off. Just reading on MN, I've seen the evidence of that in addition to RL.

I've read of lots of mummy's boys on here, but there's a saying .....

"A daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he marries a wife". Some sons break away from their original nuclear family when they get married.

My sisters and I live closer to my parents than my brother. They love all the grandchildren equally but see our DCs more. My brother doesn't want to live closer to them, so that he avoids helping them out as much as we do.

We often remind him to give mum and dad a call.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 08:50

Yes it usually is but that's life unfortunately.

It's not always deliberate sometimes people just can't get along or one or the other overstep boundaries. Sometimes you can't put your differences to one side because the disagreements might be the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 08:55

My mum expressed concerns about the dgc development, sil took great offence. It wasn't really anyone's fault, my mum didn't mean any harm but I can also kind of understand why sil got upset. Now my mum won't say anything at all.

OP posts:
TutanKaDashian · 02/09/2016 09:06

Don't say this Sad

I only have one son and whilst he's only 13, this has been on the back of my mind for a while (absolutely no idea why BTW) I really hope I don't get pushed out one day and have to watch the other grandma having all the fun.

Graceflorrick · 02/09/2016 09:07

This is true. My DM died so we don't have that relationship & my SIL dominates with my MIL.

They babysit for SIL a few times a week. They've never offers to babysit for us.

They are nice people though, so that's the main thing.

BolshierAryaStark · 02/09/2016 09:15

Whilst I get on well with my in-laws & they are lovely people I certainly feel our DC are a little sidelined, they've been on countless holidays with SIL & her family but they have only managed one with us & DD (though this was an entire family holiday so included SIL's family) & one overnight away with us & both DC-this is despite countless offers from us. Makes me a little sad for the DC.