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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

330 replies

CedricSydneySneer · 29/08/2016 22:41

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

OP posts:
IFinishedTheBiscuits · 02/09/2016 09:15

Cedric, that's a tricky one isn't it. I suppose it partly depends on how secure the DIL feels in the relationship with MIL as to whether she feels that is a personal criticism or not.
Some people don't like any 'unsolicited advice' at all. And will take offence at that from a MIL, midwife or mum.
My MIL suggested more than once that I start bottle feeding DS1, but it would also have irritated me if my mum said it. If you can see that - like you - they've just got their grandchild's best interests at heart rather than criticising your parenting it makes things easier.

CombineBananaFister · 02/09/2016 09:32

This terrifies me too as I only have one son and experience of my relationship with ILs and other friends with their ILs does seem to follow this pattern.
I can honestly say in my case though, it's not through them being sidelined for my DM (she lives too far away) or want of trying (calls twice a week to see if they would like to see DS).
I gave up trying about two years ago after too many cancelled visits and lack of invites to family events plastered all over FB. SIL continues rule the entire family and to crash from one drama to another and that consumes all of ILs time Sad She is a very jealous person and competitive and as we have DC the same age, its like no-one dares to be seen as being too close with my DS for fear of upsetting her (my other SIL even admitted this about her Sis at one point when we went out for the day as she was worried she would be annoyed!!!) Their loss, Ds is fab

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 09:40

There's something else to consider too. A lot of men don't see their children or have minimal contact after a relationship breakdown. It doesn't really matter whose fault it is but it happens a lot. Very unlikely the paternal grandparents will have a relationship if the father himself doesn't.

OP posts:
Lindsxxx · 02/09/2016 09:44

With my Older kids I would have totally agreed with you, my parents in law were quite detached and didn't really like their own kids let alone their grandkids, they enjoyed seeing them but on their own terms and not too often lol so we weren't that close and as a result now they're grown up don't have the same relationship with their dads parents than they do with mine!
However, my second husbands parents are a different kettle of fish, I feel that I am blessed having them!! They are our go to sitters, my youngest two don't sleep very well so my parents are reluctant to have them (in fact have never had them To sleep and they're nearly 4 and 3) but mil and fil almost beg to have them over to sleep, they say that it's only one night of disturbed sleep 😳 I love them dearly!! Xx

Yorkieheaven · 02/09/2016 09:48

The original post was do grandparents love their daughters kids more than their sons.

And it's absolute bollocks.

Did I love my dds more than my dss? Of course not. Do I love my dils more than I will my son in laws? Of course not. Do I love one grandchild more than the other? Of course not.

It's a horrible thread.

And to Seaview I actually don't know any grandparents like this. Yes geography makes a difference as do the need for hands on childcare depending upon the needs of the parents but that's nothing to do with loving them all equally.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 09:50

Yorkie erm nowhere in my op did I say that maternal gps love their dgc more than paternal gps.

It was all about the relationship they have and a variety of factors that contribute to it.

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 02/09/2016 09:50

And I am talking about normal people who loved their own children. There are wierdows around who don't care about their kids or grandkids but they are rare.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 09:52

Yorkie you should read my op again because nowhere does it mention anyone loving their daughters more than sons or loving anyone more.

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 02/09/2016 09:55

Yes I do apologise Cedric I was caught up with seaview post and see that you did not state that.

Factors I think are geography and the differing needs of support regarding child care and of course personalities..

But my view is if you are a welcoming family to those who fall in love with your children then the relationship will blossom and if they have children then you offer as much help and support as is needed/wanted.

Yorkieheaven · 02/09/2016 09:56

I didn't mean your op was horrible but some of the posts have been quite upsetting I think.

Apologise again

EddieStobbart · 02/09/2016 09:59

But what does "closer" mean then?

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 10:00

Yes it has turned out a depressing read.

Bear in mind I have only boys i worry I may unintentionally become the annoying mil.

OP posts:
EddieStobbart · 02/09/2016 10:01

This situation is irrelevant to me as I won't be in it but I would hate my friend, mother of two boys, to see this thread. She'd be really upset.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 10:04

Eddie well it could be lots of things.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 10:10

But what does "closer" mean then?

It means they have a closer relationship with them. The same way you may be closer to one cousin of yours, than you are to another.

If you see someone more, you're likely to be closer to them. Simply because you get to know them more.

I love my brother's children the same as I do my sisters children, but I see my sister's DCs way more than my brothers and consequently, I'd say I am somewhat closer to them. That's probably the same for the Grandparents.

I remember when my sisters house was being extended. Her DCS went to stay with my parents 200 miles away for about 2 weeks because it was dangerous in their house, yet her MIL lived 3 miles away and wouldn't help out.

If it was one of her daughter's kids, she would have helped. She is capable and able of it. Then she wonders why the grandchildren are closer to my parents.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 10:12

Bear in mind I have only boys i worry I may unintentionally become the annoying mil.

I think if you are friendly with your future DILS and not critical, you'll be just fine.Smile

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 02/09/2016 10:12

It could just be to do with seeing them more, or getting more updates or the gps feeling they can be themselves more.

In our case sils life is very much set up around her parents, they do most things together so any gc are going to be more involved.

OP posts:
Yorkieheaven · 02/09/2016 10:13

Cedric by your worrying about this shows you won't be that mil. Grin

I have older boys who are both married and have a fantastic relationship with my dils. One has a strange and cold mother so I try to fill the void but the other has a great mum and we all get on.

My dds are teenagers so will see.

I honestly think that most mil/dil problems stem from the mil causing trouble or being intrusive/difficult.

I don't think most women set out to alienate their partners mother so my view is it's generally 99% the mils fault.

Unicorn34 · 02/09/2016 10:13

My MIL (now passed away) was more of a "granny" than my own mum, so we always tended to go to her first - she always did the baking, knitting, drawing, playing thing with our youngest (different DH for eldest DC)... my mum is 74 going on 40, so doesn't do the nan bit as much, has her own life etc. However, my middle child (DD) is trying for a baby now and I know that our relationship will be closer than ever... so it just depends on the relationship/closeness/personality of each parent or IL I suppose

Yorkieheaven · 02/09/2016 10:15

Sandy exactly the mil should have offered all things being equal.

EddieStobbart · 02/09/2016 10:16

Yes, it could be. It's not my experience or one I have witnessed. I think it's mainly geography and the strength of each parent's relationship with their parents. It is nice that so many posters have good relationships with their parents, makes a nice change from the Stately Homes threads.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 02/09/2016 10:18

It all just varies. For us it's always FIL who sees more of the kids. He is closer and I get on well enough with him that I've taken them without DH. I know this is rare though.

I think it's usually because you feel more comfortable with your own family and because women tend to be the majority of sah parents.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 02/09/2016 10:21

DHs dad always asks for him although will speak to me if he's not in. My dad does the same. My step dad speaks to whoever answers the phone. There may or may not be a "haha you're it" sign Grin

RunningLulu · 02/09/2016 10:32

A lot of women, rightly or wrongly, over-rely on their mums and either ignore or minimise the inlaws.

For example Dh and I offerred to take my kids, sis kids, and brother's kids to the seaside so they could have a break. Sis said yes, sil dithered making excuses about how her kids aren't ready for long trips (she has no problem driving them 450 miles to see her mum though), and so nephews didn't go. Now she's complaining that her kids were excluded !! She does this every year so of course they are, but it's her choice!

charlestonchaplin · 02/09/2016 10:33

This thread shows that many parents measure love by what they get from grandparents, mainly childcare, including babysitting, but also material things. These things naturally flow where the relationship is good. People put themselves out for those they care for who also care about them, even when it causes them difficulties. When you feel used, you are not so willing to be helpful. But many parents are effectively saying, 'Prove you love us by helping us with our children'.

Also many are saying they try to get their PILs involved in their children's lives. Yes, but what is your relationship with them like? I truly believe the relationship with the DIL is the 'limiting factor'. Access can be withdrawn by parents (usually DIL) at any time and people (grandparents here) don't tend to invest too much in risky fields. The DIL/MIL relationship will always be tricky, but where two reasonable people work to build the best relationship they can have, being quite tolerant and forgiving, then parents are happy to allow access and grandparents are comfortable that a good relationship with the grandchildren will be allowed to develop. To put it crudely, a risky investment becomes a good investment.

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