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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

330 replies

CedricSydneySneer · 29/08/2016 22:41

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 19:06

I would be very upset with my mother if I thought she was favouring my children over my brother's children. I wouldn't expect her to be so mean.

Pumpkin2010 · 01/09/2016 19:06

I do think that the relationship between parents and their daughter is just different. It just is. I can see a difference with the way my MIL & FIL are with their daughters as opposed to how they are with DH. He is expected to just 'get on with things' more. However they are AMAZING grandparents & tbh I am a bit envious of the way they are with their children and the grandchildren, as I sometimes wish my parents thought about us the same way.

user1471734618 · 01/09/2016 19:11

to be honest, these things do not happen in a vacuum.
Probably my parents (one step) would have been a bit kinder to my brother's children if he had not gone around acting like he had a bad smell under his nose, things would be different. Maybe if he hadnt made his society wedding an exercise in humiliation for his entire family, things would be different.
You reap what you sow.

ridingsixwhitehorses · 01/09/2016 19:29

My Mil is dead and my Fil weird so we don't see him much. But my parents who we are once or twice a week see my brother and his kids the same amount. But my sister in law is very accommodating and my parents v helpful and my brother v v close to our mum.

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 19:55

I think the whole thing is simply down to relationships.
Keep them all good and healthy and you don't get all this favouritism which seems dysfunctional to me.
Relationships with grandparents are good for children and the quality matters to them and not whose side of the family they come from.

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 19:58

Even if relationship with parents and daughter are different I can't see what it has to do with the child. I really am not bothered by how my mother got on- it is how I got on that matters.

APipkinOfPepper · 01/09/2016 20:17

I think it depends on all sorts of things - relationships of adult children with their parents before they have children, personalities of the GPs and GCs, distance and how frequently they see each other.

My DCs have a closer relationship with my parents than my MIL, and I would say it is a combination of all those factors - with different personalities and relationships it could have been very different.

Daydream007 · 01/09/2016 20:18

I agree. It's certainly the case in my family that the grandparents are a lot closer to their daughter's kids.

PurplePenguins · 01/09/2016 20:56

I only have sister's so I can't comment on my parents by I have 2 XH who both have sisters. XH1s parents rarely see the GC who their sons fathered but see their DD DC everyday. XH2s DF has seen my DC only 2 or 3 times in the last 6 years and doesn't take the opportunity to see them either. His eldest DD has an adult DC who he sees about twice a month.

As a child we saw my mum's parents everyday until I was about 3 then we moved and my GF died but we still saw GMT every week. Dad's parents we saw maybe once a month but never felt welcome when we did go, even as a young adult.

Original poster
CedricSydneySneer · 01/09/2016 20:56

It shouldn't really matter what kind of relationship the adults have but I think sometimes adults let their own feelings take over.

I've known a couple of people who've been banned from seeing their grandchildren altogether. I think it was because the adults fell out as they are all back in touch now.

OP posts:
PurplePenguins · 01/09/2016 20:57

GM not GMT Grin

Gottagetmoving · 01/09/2016 21:05

PrincessMario Your mm says that now because she can't imagine loving the new grandchild more.
Maybe she thought you would be flattered... I don't think it's something she could possibly know.
Daft of her to say it though. She should have kept it to herself.

Gottagetmoving · 01/09/2016 21:06

Mil...not mm!

FreshHorizons · 01/09/2016 22:27

Children really couldn't care whose are their father's parents or their mother's parents- if there is any favouritism it comes from the adults thinking of themselves first.

WantToRunAgain · 01/09/2016 22:51

Women do drive me to despair at times - why are we so unkind and divisive?

And I agree with whoever said up thread that this is all cheerful reading for mums of boys - not Hmm.

Loads of families experience this dynamic and loads don't - there's no one size fits all and lots of families experience the opposite. My DC certainly see loads more of my ILs then my parents.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 01/09/2016 22:52

Re: 'mummy's boys', I've always liked to see men being close to their mums. But I am very family focused. I remember me and my Irish friend writing a questionnaire for potential boyfriends at university and one question was whether they were close to their mums so even then I saw it as a positive thing.
I was also close to my MIL until she died, and hope that my sons will remember that I tried to ensure they had a good relationship with both sets of grandparents.

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 23:08

I don't think anyone's being unkind wanttorunagain. The OP asked a question and people have responded with their opinions, (without having to worry in case "mums of boys" get upset.) Or should we have only said things they'd like to hear? No point in the thread if that's the case I would have thought. I'm sure they'll be fine.

WantToRunAgain · 01/09/2016 23:15

No there is no point in the thread, except for mums of girls to remind us how lucky they are Hmm.

I didn't mean anyone on the thread was being unkind, I meant the behaviour being described my family members was unkind - mums openly expressing favouritism for their daughters kids? Delightful. Poor GC.

WantToRunAgain · 01/09/2016 23:15

By family members

seaviewer · 01/09/2016 23:27

I don't think it can come as a surprise to hear that mums are closer to their daughters than their daughter in laws. Because that's all I seem to be hearing. As regards mums openly expressing favouritism to their daughters kids, I agree of course it's horrible, I experienced it first hand from my mil. But it's not the only scenario, my Dm loved my brothers children absolutely as much as mine, but she was never allowed to get close to them because my sil only wanted her own parents involved. It didn't stop her loving them unconditionally though. The biggest losers were the grandchildren.

EddieStobbart · 02/09/2016 02:09

Is that the point of the thread then, to remind DILs (who appear to be seen as the gatekeeper) not to push their DHs family away? Or, as I don't think this is the DIL's responsibility, as a reminder to the DH that he needs to work as hard as his DW to maintain a bond? I really don't see this but PILs visit a lot, are close to their sons and DH & I parent 50/50.

Perhaps those who are particularly close to their DMs are also more likely to live or move to be nearer to them when the DCs are on the way whereas proximity to PILs isn't a priority.

FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 06:41

All I can see from the thread is that some families are dysfunctional. I think that most people feel guilty about having a favourite child and so try and hide it but they seem to think it then OK to prioritise some grandchildren.
If you love your children unconditionally then this is an impossibility.

The other thing that strikes me is that some women think that they have a special bond with their mother, and this is lovely, but they don't like the fact that their DH has a very special bond with their own mother - or that some women have a favourite, and that favourite is the son. If favouritism does go to a special son then of course she will favour his children.

The whole nub of this thread, to me, is that it is nothing whatever to do with the children - who couldn't care less whose parents they are- or even the grandparents. It is all about the mother and control.

All rather sad. I much prefer most of the families that I know in RL where you don't have this hierarchy and children are put first and given a healthy relationship with all grandparents.

We have an extra set, which is lovely for all my children but of course on MN you can't love other people's children!! (But that is a whole different thread).

Badders123 · 02/09/2016 06:52

I can tell all you mothers who favour one child - whether it be boy or girl - that you are putting in place a lifetime of pent up anger and hurt in your other child/children.
My mother so favours my brother it's almost comical. This has continued to the next generation with his dd.
It makes me sad as my children have such a wonderful relationship with my pils. They hardly know my mum really.
The result is that I find spending time with my mother a chore. My sister actively avoids her.
I have learnt over the years not to comment anymore on the money she gives him, the presents she buys dn.
My brother (and sil) will fade away when my mother needs care and help.
My sister will simply not visit at all.
So that leaves me.
And I'm not prepared to care for her either.
It's a very sad situation.

FreshHorizons · 02/09/2016 07:08

For those of you who prefer statistics, science and documentation to experience it appears that actually a woman is programmed to have a special bond with her son's daughter here and this is because they share more genes. They share the least with their son's sons and their daughter's sons fall in between the two.
I have chosen a link from the Telegraph, but there are many.

However, it will count for nothing if DIL controls the access and discourages it! ( I think the whole thread is about MIL and DIL relationship)

Groovee · 02/09/2016 07:12

I would say the in laws have a better relationship. My dad has been ill since I had children. My mum and dad love all their grandchildren but they can't be as hands on as they would have liked.