To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

[CedricSydneySneer]

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

[RunningLulu]

I also talk to her as I talk to my mum. Total open communication often with few boundaries & when she came to stay with us, she's the same. If we're bothered about something we'll talk about it and get it fixed not stew over it.

[RunningLulu]

In India, actually, women (who aren't being abused) may live with in laws but they will often slag them off in favour of their parents. It's so ingrained in the culture that nobody even bats an eyelid, but it does cause a rift between mil and dil that can't be repaired.

I don't do that as I'm African Indian and was taught not to disrespect anyone older than me, with harsh punishments if I did (Indian style of parenting is a bit more indulgent). So I'm much closer to mil than her other dil, but not as close as her daugher obviously.

[seaviewer]

Just nasty people, the couple who allowed his mother to be alone on Christmas Day...words fail me.

[SideOrderofChip]

my mil isn't interested in my kids. Yet DH eldest sister she is always around at theirs and doing stuff with her kids.

Its not through lack of try but i just gave up

[FreshHorizons]

I think it all boils down to family dynamics and personalities - therefore you can forget the rest. (Except geography plays a part)

[Caipora]

It really depends on the family dynamics and the personalities. We live 5 minutes from MIL. SIL lives 5 minutes in the other direction. MIL is close to all her grandchildren but SIL has ishoos and we don't, so we don't use the children to punish MIL or slag off MIL in front of the children. As a result she has a different bond with our children.

[CedricSydneySneer]

For example my mil gets to see her own dd every day. However her dd doesn't like her own husbands mum and favours her own family. They don't see it like that though and think they're good and the husbands family are bad.

My own mil was telling me about a friend of hers whose dil doesn't like her and favours her own family and pushes her out. Mil had endless sympathy for her friend but couldn't see that her own dd does the same.

[CedricSydneySneer]

That is horrible about the mil being left alone at Christmas, although by that logic if her son had been so well brought up he surely wouldn't have left his mum alone and surely wouldn't have chose a partner that spiteful?

I think the reality is that sometimes people just don't get on and even usually nice people can do strange and spiteful things. Children can also bring out the worst in people as everyone's got an opinion.

There's always several sides to every story and when relationships break down it isn't necessarily the mil or the dils fault. It could be a mixture of the mil the dil the fil and the dh.

[FreshHorizons]

Exactly Yorkie kindness costs nothing. If you bring up your children to be kind they find kind partners and it simply wouldn't happen.
If you favour one half of the family and are rude and uncooperative about the other half then this is what they learn.
Children do as you do and never as you say.

[Yorkieheaven]

The friend who kept her mil at arms length and alone st Christmas!

What the fuck was her son thinking allowing his mother to be treated like that?

[Yorkieheaven]

I think it starts with your own kids sons and daughters alike.

Bring up kids to be kind and thoughtful and they will generally pick similar partners. Be kind and thoughtful yourself and generally you will all get along.

I just cannot understand favouring one grandchild against another! It's wierd.

[FreshHorizons]

I have faith that what goes around, comes around. I have always treated both sides fairly, seen PIL on my own sometimes , had both sets around together on lots of occasions, got to know all my son's girlfriends , am very friendly with my DIL and we do things on our own. I think it will be fine when they have children - they intend to in the future and my DIL has already discussed how weird and unfair some women are. They were never possessive in her family and her aunt was like a second mother.
I am sure that my sons just see it as the norm that you have open house.

If you don't have the good relationships before they have children then it isn't going to be easy afterwards.

[IFinishedTheBiscuits]

A friend of mine kept her MIL (widowed and alone) at arm's length and never let her come for Christmas.

OMG. Now I do worry about this! Don't know who's worse though, DIL or her DH for not sticking up for his mum!! That's a horrible thing to do...

I disagree that 99% of the time problems are caused by a difficult MIL. I have a friend who complains that her MIL and FIL haven't visited in three years despite visiting their town to see other people. But she's also never really made them welcome, she can be prickly, and she hates having unexpected guests. Again I think her DH should make more effort though.

[HeCantBeSerious]

DH is one of only boys. The other 3 live within 30 miles of "home" (in different directions) and we live about 250 miles away.

They bend over backwards for their other grandchildren and pretty much ignore our kids. (Eg, we've travelled up there twice since Easter but they brought the DC Easter eggs when they honoured us with their presence for the first time in 3 years came to stay last weekend. )

[JingleMum]

How does it work if the MIL has only sons? My MIL does & is much closer to my DP's brother than she is to my DP, but his brother doesn't have kids yet. I think she'll favour DP's brother's kids (when they come along) But to be fair, she adores our DD and is w wonderful Grandmother.

I am ashamed of how i've behaved in the past. When DD was a baby my MIL used to wind me up so much, I thought she was so interfering & I know i've made her feel uncomfortable in the past, I know she must have felt second best to my Mum, who has almost free access to my DD. I'm working on it & we do have a good relationship, plus DD loves her to bits, but she does favour my Mum. MIL does she DD almost every week, takes her out etc, i've never got in the way of that, but I probably haven't encouraged it as much as I do with my own Mum.

[seaviewer]

i do think it can sometimes be unfair on the husbands parents if the son leaves his parents out to favour his wife's parents. It says a lot about the sort of people both he and her are. It goes on a lot and it's nasty and hurtful. I see loads of threads on gransnet exactly about this and they are just broken by it.

[FreshHorizons]

I have looked back and several people have found it depressing, that is why OP started it, she favours her own parents and expects future DIL to do the same.

What I did notice from the start was people pointing out the double standards. Women having a very close, see or talk everyday, relationship with their mother is seen as perfectly normal but if the man does it it is quite different! It is seen as undesirable and the MIL is needy!
They are women with children- it can't possibly be different according to whether they are male or female.
Maybe men are just easy going and let their MIL do and say all sorts of things that their wife wouldn't take from her MIL.

[seaviewer]

You've just told me something I didn't know about but apparently I have a bad attitude and I'm smug and complacent., damn it. I thought I was ok. Never mind, tell me what what you are doing to address this and perhaps I'll join forces with you.

[Iknowthisgirlcanx100]

Worrying won't change matters Seaviewer which is why in both India and China the government has to get involved and address the issue of why male babies are more popular (cultural preference because sons traditionally are closer to their parents and daughters are expected to live with their inlaws) and create policies to change society's expectations in the long run.
If attitudes like yours continue to prevail in some sections of society in the UK, there will eventually have to be some push to even up childcare responsibilities (much as there has been in Scandinavian countries). There has traditionally been all kinds of cultural bias in society (race, gender,faith etc) and it needs addressing if resentment isn't to fester.
Smug complacency doesn't bode well for future harmony.

[seaviewer]

I didn't know that iknowthisgirl but really, there's so many things going on in the world that if we worried about them all too much we'd probably go mad. Worrying won't change it either.

[SandyY2K]

I just remembered a colleague/friend who told me her MIL charged her to babysit her grandson when it was the night of her birthday party. Bear in mind my friends mum looked after the child every week for 2 days while my friend worked and didn't charge a penny.

We were all gobsmacked when she said it. Instead of her DH to say his mum shouldn't charge, he just said his mum wasn't excited by GCs, as she had many of them from his other siblings,, whereas her mum only had this GC.

No surprise here that the DC was going to be closer to her mum.

I know many MILS help with childcare, but I also get the sense that the MILS think that by looking after GCs they are doing their DIL a favour.

I work in HR and when I've spoken to female employees who put in flexible working requests following maternity leave, by and large their mums assist with childcare. Same as those who are able to return full time, their mum helps out.

[honeybunny14]

Yanbu I'm my experience anyway ex dps mother doesn't bother her arse past caring though.

[Pootle40]

Definitely was the case for us. PILs used to visit SILs kids twice a week for the first few years of their lives. They also babysat them Thursday-Sunday once a month at least. At the time we lived a 3 min drive away from my SIL but we would be visited on their way home when our kids were already in bed!? My eldest has also just finished his school holidays and didn't spend any time with PILs. My MIL said I was to ask her to help with him 'if I was ever stuck' which doesn't come across like wanting to spend time with him. So apart from our own family holiday my son was in holiday club while they live 10 minutes away and are retired. Unfortunately they are the only grandparents as my dad died 13 years ago and my mum is in a care home. It often makes me feel really sad but I just have to accept it. DH would never say anything to them. In the meantime my SIL and her kids have moved abroad but were already living 500 miles away last few years but it didn't make much difference to interest in our kids......

[Iknowthisgirlcanx100]

Seaviewer - It certainly is something to be worried about in India and China where the demand for sons that traditionally stay close and care for parents in old age has led to a huge imbalance in the gender of babies born in the last decade or two. In America it is now possible through IVF to select a child's sex. If this becomes legal in the UK (which it will I am sure) you may well find parents selecting gender for the same reasons that they do in China and India (although selecting daughters rather than sons).

[Enkopkaffetak]

MIL says herself she is closest to our children. She was close to BILS 2 boys until they hit teens then they sort of stopped contacting her (bar 2 phone calls a year for Christmas and Birthday)

SIL is massively involved with her inlaws and her 2 boys are much closer to their paternal grandparents than their maternal.

I guess it meant when dh and I had children MIL had oodles of love to give and she is a close and loving grandmother.

My mother did live far away (she died last year hence past term) however she was not very interested in my children had her golden grandchild in sisters dd.. Just how things are/were.

These days I go see mill every week she is a wonderful person who I enjoy spending time with. I would say she and I are close.