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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to crack down on this rude behaviour?

129 replies

OohMavis · 29/08/2016 11:48

DD was born a week ago.

Inlaws, DH's dad and his girlfriend, came to visit when she was two days old. They arrived at 9am and didn't leave until 7.30pm... we were bloody exhausted and weren't expecting them to stay quite so long. Nothing in messages exchanged beforehand suggested it would be an all-day thing.

We ended up feeding them lunch and dinner (they brought their breakfast with them!) while they literally sat on the sofa all day drinking tea made by me and DH. I'm breastfeeding, and at that point hadn't figured out her latch 100% so walked, injured cowboy style, upstairs every hour to feed the baby. No offers to remove themselves to another room. No offers to do anything at all apart from sit and cuddle the baby between feeds, watch TV and eat my biscuits.
They didn't even get up to take their cups to the kitchen and waited for me or DH to clear the plates from their laps. They also didn't bring a congratulations card (not that that matters at all, but given their behaviour it was like the cherry on top of an ill-mannered cupcake)

To be fair they're usually like this, and it is annoying. But we thought they'd be better visitors with a newborn baby around. Obviously not.

They want to visit again tomorrow. I really don't want a repeat of last week where we're waiting on them hand-and-foot but I don't exactly know how to avoid it once they're here, parked on the sofa, refusing to move Confused

OP posts:
Shona52 · 30/08/2016 17:40

I agree with others be upfront and honest. If they have a problem with it they are at fault! You have enough to deal with

falange · 30/08/2016 17:50

When they get there just say you're knackered and they'll have to make tea/lunch etc. That's what I'd do.

Janey50 · 30/08/2016 18:13

Bloody hell OP they sound awful. My heart goes out to you. My exH family was a bit like this. I think you need to get your DH to have 'a word'. They are HIS family,after all.

Astoria797 · 30/08/2016 18:18

As they're family I think you should just be honest. I can't believe their cheek tbh expecting you to wait on them with an newborn.

Tapandgo · 30/08/2016 18:19

You need to put a stop to this. They are clearly very insensitive and being subtle won't dent their thick skins. Don't make excuses - say firmly and politely - you are too tired to host visitors, baby has to come first. ( keep you foot down - make it clear its just you and baby right now)

You could leave the door open by saying 'perhaps when I get my head above water we can meet up at a point for at a point mid way between you for a coffee/ walk in the park etc - that way you are not running around after them and you get to get out and choose your 'have to go' time.

MrsHorsfall · 30/08/2016 18:21

If they're anything like my dad and his partner, tell them you're having a tricky time with feeding right now or you're not feeling great and having trouble with post birth healing. They'll run a bloody mile.
Whatever you tell them, make it a no :)

SarfEast1cated · 30/08/2016 18:22

I might pop around too OP, would love a day being waited on hand and foot! Just tell them it would be better for you to go to theirs .

Haven't rtt though.

ThymeForTea · 30/08/2016 18:33

I do 45 mins to work and 45 mins back mon-fri.

That shouldn't be the issue

husbandnet · 30/08/2016 18:33

Set boundaries. Tell them you have something to do at a certain time.

My DW has a good perspective on dividing the day into thirds. And no one can overlap the thirds. So come late morning and have elevenses with us but then we've got somewhere to be (other people coming or whatever at lunch). Or come for walk and a lunch, then you (are all) having a nap so they need to tootle off. Or come for dinner. But no dragging it out through the day. No siree

You have to set boundaries. Then they know where they stand. They might actually think they're being nice by hanging around all day and "being there" and not know you need the space. Ignorance is exactly that sometimes, they just don;t know.

Queenie3 · 30/08/2016 18:58

I know it's a bit late op but in the future could you not go to them instead? I actually found this so much easier when I had ds because I could visit and leave when I wished. Maybe say oh we have an appointment that way we'll come to you or it will do us good to get out the house. That way when you e had enough use can leave. I had this only and hour after ds was born, ex partners nan and aunt turned up at the hospital when if specifically said I wanted my dc1 to meet dc2 first then I'd tell everyone it was ok to come or I'd come. Plus I'd given birth an hour before really wasn't the time to have visitors just yet. Then I was insulted because I wasn't breast feeding and because I wasn't staying in hospital for a week as back in their day you did Hmm I just wanted to cry lol

Daydream007 · 30/08/2016 19:08

Tell them NO they can't come and be honest with them. They are taking the piss.

ginger1976 · 30/08/2016 19:10

I would suggest meeting them halfway so you can leave when you want but only if you are up to it. Nothing worse than people outstaying their welcome

Phalenopsisgirl · 30/08/2016 19:17

Omg ! The only time it is acceptable to visit new parent this long is if you inten on waiting on the new parents hand and foot, they should have made tea, and lunch and given the kitchen a once over before leaving you something in the oven and a well stocked fridge !!!
Just say it not convenient and offer to come to them the following week, then at least you can control the length of visit.

user1469300540 · 30/08/2016 19:27

Can you say you have to go out? My MIL is the same and it drives me crazy! I always say she can visit but I'm going out at whatever time. Then 10mins before that time I politely say "oh I need to get ready to go". Get my bag, baby etc and leave with her. I get in my car and go! Sometimes just round the block other times I do have to go somewhere but I find it works well. She's not offended by it either as she's just pleased I made time for her!

SantinoRice · 30/08/2016 19:37

Here's a handy phrase for getting rid of people: "would you like a cup of tea before you go?"

Obviously it'll cost you a cup of tea, but it's the kind of thing you can throw in immediately after lunch, and then off they pop.

emmyhNL · 30/08/2016 19:38

Definitely not being unreasonable! I would have told them to do one!

We had something similar and I had a codeword of asking for a banana to tell DH that I needed a break. People just wouldnt get the hint on the most part.

I suggest having some code words established if you want to be polite - otherwise - just dont invite them round. You need your rest too!

embo1 · 30/08/2016 20:23

Your husband needs to have your back on this one and tell them they can come when it is convenient for you and can stay for 2 hours at most.
I would be so upset that they didn't bring a card or gift and didn't offer to help out. Your hubby should let them.know this.
Maybe you don't want to overwhelm baby with the noise, so limit visits to 2 guests for a couple of hours each. Or you are having trouble feeding? Or you are both so shattered that youn need your rest.

I can't believe the cheek of them. But it sounds like they will be oblivious to how you feel unless you tell them.

Mrsmummyof1 · 30/08/2016 20:42

Cheeky buggers! Not what you need. You need people offering to do your washing, ironing, cooking etc and bringing cake, presents, cards, not wanting to be waited on hand and foot! But the fabulous thing about having a newborn is that you have carte blanche to decline visitors without much explanation, and without any guilt of being rude or unreasonable. It's all about you (you've just given birth after all) and that little bubba x

impossible · 30/08/2016 20:58

Could you pop round to them for an hour? They will be the hosts then and you can leave when you've had enough.

embo1 · 30/08/2016 21:06

"We we're planning on going shopping that morning as we have NOTHING in the cupboards. If you're planning on staying for lunch, could you pick up something nice for us all" then at least you get a lunch out of them and you have the excuse that you have to go shopping for dinner (or hubby does when you and baby need a feed and nap - you have to grab your sleep when baby does after all!)

pollymere · 30/08/2016 22:00

Say that you can only see them for an hour or so in the afternoon as you have plans/ other visitors. End by saying bluntly that you're so sorry but you have to go out now. Go out to make your point. I'm on the Spectrum and have difficulty interpreting clues that people would like me to leave such as looking at their watch, preparing a meal etc. My friends know to say I need to go! I've noticed that rude people also ignore these signs so they can linger. They soon get the hint if you leave!

Pumpkin2010 · 30/08/2016 22:09

Wow. They sound horrendous. Picking and choosing when they come and go & completely disregarding your plans/wishes.

I'd just try to get the message across by putting them off everytime they ask to visit. When they ask what the problem is, there's your (or your DH's) opening. You really don't want to be dealing with conflict this soon after having a baby. Don't feel bad/guilty or be worrying about their feelings!! They clearly have no respect.

Oh and congratulations :)

reachingforwine · 30/08/2016 22:21

This is my dad! He lives abroad and will come over to stay for a couple of days which turns into a week, he only comes over to attend to business matters and uses his 3 kids in the UK as free hotels. When my DD was born he still came to stay and i wish I'd put my foot down. My sister has just had a baby and has told him no overnight visitors. He has got the hump over this and still hadn't seen the baby over 2 months later! He has recently remarried and I've put my foot down over him turning up and staying for days on end - being very very firm is the only way - specify times. Sounds like this is the approach you need to take with your in laws! People really shouldn't be so inconsiderate but unfortunately they are so we have to get a bit feisty - good luck!
PS what does your DH make of it? Sorry if you've already explained, I'm being lazy! Shock

EweAreHere · 30/08/2016 22:57

Your husband should tell them NO.

And he should be the one to deal with their rude behaviour.

Seriously. His family, he needs to sort them out firmly.

Good luck, OP.

RubbleBubble00 · 30/08/2016 23:26

Perfect excuse to hand baby to dh with instructions to bring for feeds while you go and lie down in bedroom for a rest (that may take 5+ hours with some sneaky tablet watching)