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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to crack down on this rude behaviour?

129 replies

OohMavis · 29/08/2016 11:48

DD was born a week ago.

Inlaws, DH's dad and his girlfriend, came to visit when she was two days old. They arrived at 9am and didn't leave until 7.30pm... we were bloody exhausted and weren't expecting them to stay quite so long. Nothing in messages exchanged beforehand suggested it would be an all-day thing.

We ended up feeding them lunch and dinner (they brought their breakfast with them!) while they literally sat on the sofa all day drinking tea made by me and DH. I'm breastfeeding, and at that point hadn't figured out her latch 100% so walked, injured cowboy style, upstairs every hour to feed the baby. No offers to remove themselves to another room. No offers to do anything at all apart from sit and cuddle the baby between feeds, watch TV and eat my biscuits.
They didn't even get up to take their cups to the kitchen and waited for me or DH to clear the plates from their laps. They also didn't bring a congratulations card (not that that matters at all, but given their behaviour it was like the cherry on top of an ill-mannered cupcake)

To be fair they're usually like this, and it is annoying. But we thought they'd be better visitors with a newborn baby around. Obviously not.

They want to visit again tomorrow. I really don't want a repeat of last week where we're waiting on them hand-and-foot but I don't exactly know how to avoid it once they're here, parked on the sofa, refusing to move Confused

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/08/2016 18:12

FILs gf is a loon. She will find new and interesting ways to fall out with you anyway so you might as well get your way as she falls out with you.

Your DH has the right idea. Yes, let him go wild at making them uncomfortable. Perhaps ask him for tips and advice. He sounds like an expert on handling his dad and the gf.

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/08/2016 18:13

Trifle
You might change your mind!!
I'm usually every inch the accommodating hostess and wouldn't dream of making a guest get their own drinks even if it is only my parents visiting....but after my Dd was born, and we had no sleep for a few days straight, I was in tears every time I had to pee because my stitches stung so much and my nipples were ripped to shreds from learning to latch the baby properly, I pretty much begged my mum to come over and help me! She and my dad came over, did the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, put a couple of loads of laundry on, sent me and DH upstairs for a nap while they cuddled the baby, bought us all a Chinese takeaway for dinner and washed up before they went home!
My parents remembered how utterly knackering the first few weeks with your first baby are, and were only too happy to help make our lives easier. I'm sure a lot of people's parents are the same way. Unfortunately, the OP's in-laws didn't get the memo Hmm

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 18:20

Oh of course, I would ask for help if I needed it, from people I like Wink

Close family (mine!) aren't 'guests' - they would help me any time and I wouldn't hesitate to ask. I also have no objection to them being in the house for hours, watching me breastfeed, holding the baby as often and for as long as they like.

'Guests' are people you have a slightly more distant relationship with, like in-laws. I wouldnt ever speak to them in some of the ways suggested above unless I WANTED them to know I meant, "Fuck off, you are driving me crazy."

Mermaid36 · 29/08/2016 18:27

My twins feed every 1.5hrs (2hrly if I'm super lucky). If anyone comes round, I'm usually feeding them.

"Rules" are - you can have cuddles, but you need to do a "job" - empty/fill dishwasher, fetch me a drink if I've run out (tandem feeding means once the girls are latched on, I'm pretty stuck), hang the washing out/fetch it in etc.

I don't have much time to do housework with the girls (15 to 20 feeds per day each, over 15 nappy changes every 24hrs) plus the girls are on oxygen, so it complicates matters more.

Anyone coming round had better not assume they are coming to sit on their arse for the whole visit!

Inertia · 29/08/2016 18:45

I would get DH to tell them that you're too tired for visitors as people keep staying all day and expecting to be waited on.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 18:48

Mermaid: Each to their own, but I couldn't issue conditions to my family like that! I like the fact that they are really excited about cuddling my baby. It's not a reward. But fair enough, that's how you do it.

expatinscotland · 29/08/2016 18:55

''Guests' are people you have a slightly more distant relationship with, like in-laws. '

They are the close family of your husband.

I thought I wouldn't do a lot of things before I had my baby . . . then I had my baby.

Mermaid36 · 29/08/2016 18:57

It is lovely that they want to cuddle babies, but not to my detriment!

I'm currently sat feeding the girls and have been for nearly 3hrs. If we had visitors today, they'd have had to get their own drinks anyway, as I can't move off the sofa.

We went on a specialist multiple birth antenatal class, and the advice from the midwife was exactly as I wrote (pictures attached) - people should be coming to help and support you when you need it. Not sit on their backsides getting waited on and creating problems!

to crack down on this rude behaviour?
to crack down on this rude behaviour?
Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 19:00

I know they are the close family of my husband - thanks for that, expat. I am just being honest. I don't mind my mum or sisters sitting round drinking tea while I talk about my episiotomy and rub cream into my nipples, but if I tell the truth, my SIL...not so much!

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 19:03

I know that's the advice, Mermaid. I just think following it to the point where you give people "jobs for cuddles" is a bit of a MN thing. Not one person I have ever visited when they've had a baby has behaved - essentially - as if they would rather I left unless I emptied the dishwasher Confused. It might be that I avoid these issues by offering to make the tea or whatever, but I still think it's not really the done thing...

ApocalypseNowt · 29/08/2016 19:08

Can't believe you had them there all day.

I remember some guests coming round to see DD2. DH offered them a second cup of coffee and I just started shaking my head and muttering 'noooo....noooo....'.

Subtle.

Mermaid36 · 29/08/2016 19:21

There are members of my family who will help without being asked (mum, sister, SIL) and other family members who would expect to be waited on hand and foot (FIL, MIL)

In fact, FIL came round last week and commented how messy the house was and how it was a shame that I wasn't doing much housework given the fact that I'm not currently working! He isn't visiting again for a while...

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 19:23

Mermaid, that's shocking. I agree, just don't have him round.

Original poster
OohMavis · 29/08/2016 19:44

Mermaid Shock and you have twins.

I don't expect them to arrive and cook us all a gourmet meal, or even cook for us at all or do any housework. Just putting their cups in the sink would have been nice. Once they left we were left with two arse prints on the sofa, cold cups of half-drunken tea on the coffee table, a massive pile of dirty dishes and biscuit crumbs all over the floor.

I mean I wouldn't behave like that in someone's house who hadn't just welcomed a new arrival, let alone otherwise.

OP posts:
AgentPineapple · 29/08/2016 19:52

Just be honest, tell them that you (and DC) were exhausted from the last visit and whilst you are happy for them to come, could they maybe come at (time) so that at (your chosen leaving time) you can settle DC down for the night and relax

OTheHugeManatee · 29/08/2016 19:55

YANBU to refuse to see them tomorrow. If they have form for outstaying their welcome, just say no visit full stop. A tantrum from your FIL's girlfriend is a small price to pay for sparing you a day of misery and all their dirty dishes Smile

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 19:57

"two arse prints on the sofa...."

It actually sounds like you really dislike them and resent them coming at a all. Just tell your DH you are not up to it given the length of their last visit and this next visit will have to wait.

Original poster
OohMavis · 29/08/2016 20:28

My sofa genuinely leaves arse prints though. They'd been sitting there all day, so they left dents... it's a squishy sofa.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 20:36

Yeah, I get what you mean.

I just think it's more realistic to make a distinction between guests I welcome and guests I don't, and to acknowledge my real reasons. It's nothing to do with used tea cups or crumbs when I don't want someone hanging around my house. It's to do with how much I enjoy their company and how comfortable they make me feel.

Cosmiccreepers203 · 29/08/2016 20:38

You're going to have to establish a boundary with them at some point. Your need to feed the baby and relax is greater than their need to endless cups of tea and biscuits. Say no and then next time they ask give them a specific amount of time to stay for. If they don't stick to it then say no again and this time tell them why. Upsetting them a bit might be the only way to get the message through.

Rachcakes · 29/08/2016 20:39

My mum lives a 45 minute drive away. It's not that far!!

Say, "yes, we're free for a couple of hours on Wednesday", or "Oh it would be lovely to see you on Thursday afternoon, would you like to stay for tea?" or other things that are time specific.

maninawomansworld01 · 30/08/2016 00:06

Don't stand for it for a moment.

We have a 4 month old DD . For the first 2 or 3 months any visitors here came expecting to muck in.
Making them tea?? Fuck that, our visitors have been making US cups of tea and MIL has been an absolute star. She's been regularly arriving with roast dinners all plated up and ready to eat while she takes the baby for half an hour so we can actually eat it hot.
They should be looking after you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2016 00:35

"But I won't be asking anyone to pick up my shopping/clean my house/cook for me just because they want to see their new grandchild/niece. That just makes me as rude as they are."

It really doesn't if they are nice people. Nice people would like to be able to help you out in the early days, and they may even ask if there is anything they can do. If they see you are exhausted and haven't been able to do things, they WANT to help - you refusing their help is actually ruder than graciously accepting and saying thank you.

Trifleorbust · 30/08/2016 06:21

Thumb: Of course. I am talking about people who I am not that close to and who don't tend to help. I won't ask them, I will just say I am not up to visits or a long visit.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/08/2016 07:40

OP you have to be assertive and say no, if you don't want a repeat of last week, arrange to meet them for lunch in between locations, or no sorry we cannot, but you can come for lunch and stay 2/3 hours in such a day. These are not guests, their leeches, fancy expecting next parents to wait on them hand and foot without offer to help, in this situTion you are well justified to be assertive and ask them to help a little, and leave at your convenience.