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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to crack down on this rude behaviour?

129 replies

OohMavis · 29/08/2016 11:48

DD was born a week ago.

Inlaws, DH's dad and his girlfriend, came to visit when she was two days old. They arrived at 9am and didn't leave until 7.30pm... we were bloody exhausted and weren't expecting them to stay quite so long. Nothing in messages exchanged beforehand suggested it would be an all-day thing.

We ended up feeding them lunch and dinner (they brought their breakfast with them!) while they literally sat on the sofa all day drinking tea made by me and DH. I'm breastfeeding, and at that point hadn't figured out her latch 100% so walked, injured cowboy style, upstairs every hour to feed the baby. No offers to remove themselves to another room. No offers to do anything at all apart from sit and cuddle the baby between feeds, watch TV and eat my biscuits.
They didn't even get up to take their cups to the kitchen and waited for me or DH to clear the plates from their laps. They also didn't bring a congratulations card (not that that matters at all, but given their behaviour it was like the cherry on top of an ill-mannered cupcake)

To be fair they're usually like this, and it is annoying. But we thought they'd be better visitors with a newborn baby around. Obviously not.

They want to visit again tomorrow. I really don't want a repeat of last week where we're waiting on them hand-and-foot but I don't exactly know how to avoid it once they're here, parked on the sofa, refusing to move Confused

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 29/08/2016 14:24

They don't care about upsetting you so don't give upsetting them another thought. If your dh won't get on with it and tell them not to come, you do it and let him deal with the fallout.

Redken24 · 29/08/2016 14:51

Didnt think people like this really existed - say no thanks

DixieWishbone · 29/08/2016 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MusicMania · 29/08/2016 15:01

Can you not visit them instead at a time that suits you? That way you can stay an hour and leave when you want? If they have form for ignoring your requests might be best not to have them at all. Alternatively your DP needs to be much firmer with them.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 15:08

No no no. Set boundaries. Yes you can come after lunch for a few hours, set the time. When their there, excuse me, dirty cups and plates in the sink please. If you want them to go, tell them, it's late, we will have dinner, do you mind leaving now. They were rude to you, so you have been be assertive to them. Or meet outside the home, for lunch.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 15:09

It not tomorrow, we will let you know and leave it at that.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 15:12

45 mins is not long, sod the girlfriend, aren't you feelings and needs important. No that won't work for us, sorry.

Original poster
OohMavis · 29/08/2016 15:19

RunRabbit yes actually. She once stopped speaking to us because we didn't have the children call her to wish her a happy birthday. And once got FIL to ask us to apologise for taking safe food for DD's allergies to their house, because 'she wanted a chance to cook for her herself'

We generally just try to avoid conflict. Well I say 'we', actually DH's favourite thing in the whole world is a painfully awkward silence caused by him, he just reins it in for my sake. Maybe I should let him go wild.

OP posts:
Original poster
OohMavis · 29/08/2016 15:21

I think we'll cancel tomorrow. I might get the chance to spend all day in my pajamas for a change Grin

OP posts:
1Catherine1 · 29/08/2016 15:39

This is very easily solved without risking upsetting anyone.

"Oh it would be so lovely to see you again. I don't want you to travel so far though, how about we meet for lunch at [Insert reasonably priced pub approx 20 minutes from you and 25 minutes from them]? We have to pop to [insert shopping place in a town or two over] after lunch anyway."

Or you could save this for future use and have a 'jama day tomorrow :)

oldlaundbooth · 29/08/2016 15:44

This is exactly what happened when DS was first born and I am STILL kicking myself for not saying anything to them.

What's wrong with people? I was BF and also had a c-section - my incision kept bleeding so I kept dashing to the bathroom, FIL couldn't understand why I asked him to instead use the downstairs bathroom.

FFS.

oldlaundbooth · 29/08/2016 15:47

Just cancel, OR meet in a coffee shop.

oldlaundbooth · 29/08/2016 15:47

FIL and MIL are the same: if they drive 45 minutes to ours they have to 'get their money's worth' and stay for ages?! Confused

Memoires · 29/08/2016 16:30

You really do need to be brave and behave in a way that will make you feel as rude as they are.

You make the first tea. Then it's their turn, so you say "it's your turn to make tea. You know where everything is" and hold out your cup. Then it's dh's turn. Then it's theirs again.

Do not go away to feed your baby. Tell them to go in the kitchen or garden or somewhere while you're busy.

When the time has come for them to go (set by you) say "it's been lovely to see you, thank you for visiting. Goodbye".

If they ignore your farewells, when it comes to a meal time, DO NOT FEED THEM. DH can fix lunch for you two, and you eat it together where you normally would.

Be firm. You are not going to wait on them.

JennyOnAPlate · 29/08/2016 16:31

Tell them you are really looking forward to their visit because you have been so tied up with the baby that you haven't had time to do anything else. Followed by a long list of all the housework you need them to do for you. Oh and btw can they stop at the supermarket on their way over and pick up this list of 50 items? Oh and the lawn needs mowing.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 16:54

You see, my problem is that, unless I had actively decided to go out of my way to be rude to someone, I could never talk to them in the ways sometimes suggested on these threads!

"That doesn't work for us, sorry."
"Can you pick up a spot of lunch for us all."
"Dishes in the sink please."

Making guests make the tea!

Shock

My husband's family (or any guest) would have to have pissed me off SO much before I behaved like this.

I don't mind just telling them no, but I couldn't let people into my home and then be as rude as they are...

Maybe I need to get more assertive.

SomedayBaby · 29/08/2016 17:03

actually DH's favourite thing in the whole world is a painfully awkward silence caused by him, he just reins it in for my sake

Haha...this is exactly like my DH. He has no patience left with his mum at all (long back story, nothing truly horrific but MIL has form for bad behaviour, control issues, poorly disguised barbed comments and tantrums).

I will skate over any minor digs she makes because I like to pick my battles and I just CBA. Dh will shush the dc, turn to his mum, repeat her comment back to her verbatim (and loudly) and ask what she means by it. He has perfected a calm, expectant, blank stare while his mum stutters and the rest of the room squirms around him...it has definitely reduced the number of shitty comments she makes though!

amusedbush · 29/08/2016 17:09

Making guests make the tea! Shock

They're inviting themselves over and staying for longer than most people spend at work. "Guest" is pushing it. "Tolerated nuisance" is more accurate, and I'm sure they know where the kettle is.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 17:16

I'd just say no if I didn't want them there. If I was prepared to tolerate them coming, they would have their tea made for them by my husband, unless they offered. Then he could get the point - his family are a pain in the arse but when they come round, they need to be treated like guests, which might him waiting on them, but certainly won't mean me doing it!

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/08/2016 17:22

A guest is someone you invited who you actively want there..

These are not 'guests' they are parasites!

Having a new born baby is a time when you should NOT be expected to have a super clean tidy house, tea and coffee and posh biscuits and hot meals made for guests etc.

It is a time when visitors should ONLY be visiting to offer you some HELP - do some housework, make you some food, be bloody useful - and support.

If they only want to hang around squidge the baby and eat your biscuits they are no bloody help or support and can bugger off!

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2016 17:24

I can't understand all these pp offering different scenarios. Why not just say no fucking way, I've just had a baby, I'm knackered and I'm not doing visits of more than an hour? It's ridiculous. Communicate with them and be honest.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 17:35

Come on, we all know people want to come round and cuddle new babies - yes, some people take the biscuit, but if you let them in, they're guests. Guests in my house don't get asked to 'run the Hoover round' or make my lunch. If neither my husband nor I is well enough to make our own lunch, then I would rather just say no, no guests today, sorry, than start all the passive aggressive "assertive" behaviour that is actually deeply impolite. That just gives them an excuse to think I'm the problem when it's them.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 17:36

Cherry: This.

expatinscotland · 29/08/2016 17:54

Yeah, you do need to be more assertive, Trifle. Having a newborn baby isn't a normal type of guest-host visit. The parents are often exhausted, the mother might still be physically ill or in pain. Anyone expecting to be waited on hand and foot by the parents isn't a guest but a parasite.

'We were thinking of just saying they can only stay for a couple of hours and risk upsetting FIL's girlfriend can be very... emotional.'

She'll just have to grow the hell up!

Cancel tomorrow if you're not prepared to stop letting these two walk all over you.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 17:57

I'm pregnant with my first so you might be right!

But actually, I have no issue with people wanting to come for cuddles. If I am tired, not feeling well or they are taking the piss, I will draw a line at the door. No guests today. But I won't be asking anyone to pick up my shopping/clean my house/cook for me just because they want to see their new grandchild/niece. That just makes me as rude as they are.