to crack down on this rude behaviour?

[OohMavis]

DD was born a week ago.

Inlaws, DH's dad and his girlfriend, came to visit when she was two days old. They arrived at 9am and didn't leave until 7.30pm... we were bloody exhausted and weren't expecting them to stay quite so long. Nothing in messages exchanged beforehand suggested it would be an all-day thing.

We ended up feeding them lunch and dinner (they brought their breakfast with them!) while they literally sat on the sofa all day drinking tea made by me and DH. I'm breastfeeding, and at that point hadn't figured out her latch 100% so walked, injured cowboy style, upstairs every hour to feed the baby. No offers to remove themselves to another room. No offers to do anything at all apart from sit and cuddle the baby between feeds, watch TV and eat my biscuits.
They didn't even get up to take their cups to the kitchen and waited for me or DH to clear the plates from their laps. They also didn't bring a congratulations card (not that that matters at all, but given their behaviour it was like the cherry on top of an ill-mannered cupcake)

To be fair they're usually like this, and it is annoying. But we thought they'd be better visitors with a newborn baby around. Obviously not.

They want to visit again tomorrow. I really don't want a repeat of last week where we're waiting on them hand-and-foot but I don't exactly know how to avoid it once they're here, parked on the sofa, refusing to move

There is a bit of danger of coming across as high-handed with family when you've just had a baby. Language is important. If you talk too much about yourself in the third person ("baby needs mummy today") and smile at people while telling them to leave, you will alienate them. If you don't care about this, do it (they sound quite rude). Otherwise, be honest and say, "I'm really shattered, would you mind if we postponed until next week?" or "Thanks for coming, we're going to have a nap now - I am just exhausted."

There are ways of saying things, even to rude relatives, that don't cause friction.

Just say that tomorrow isn't convenient.

" The midwife has said I've been getting overtired with too many visitors so we are taking a break just now. Perhaps we could meet in X place for a coffee in a couple of weeks?"

Definitely don't let them back in the house until you are properly back to normality, or some measure of normal. Then when they do visit! after an hour or so just say you are going out and show them the door. I'd favour seeing them elsewhere. Never mind the 'emotional' gf ffs!

Enjoy your peace and cuddles.

Mavis you are indeed a saint for not committing murder, twice. My MIL arrived for a fortnight when DD1 was 5 weeks old and did absolutely SFA apart from repeating ad nauseum "has she not settled yet". DD1 had awful silent reflux in hindsight and so didn't "settle" for another 12 months!! Anyhow, my relationship with MIL has never been the same since. So, for the sake of you all, stand firm.

Wow you guys did well! Myself and my husband wouldn't have been so accommodating!
Our baby girl was born 3 weeks ago, in laws came to visit at 4 days old and stayed the weekend, they were great! Helped with dinner prep, washed pots etc and did work in the garden.
I would say you don't feel too well so aren't up for visitors, unless you fancy being blunt and telling them how bloody rude they were 😀

A 45 minute drive really isn't that far. My parents are an hour's drive away and the longest I've ever spent there is five hours - and that was at Christmas!

You must have the patience of a saint. I agree with PP about meeting them somewhere for lunch/coffee, if you let them back in you'll never get rid of them.

Why are you worried about upsetting FIL's girlfriend? Does everyone always tiptoe around her?

Get your DH to talk to them in advance. Blame the midwife if necessary. Make it clear that you need lots of rest at the moment and visits have to be short so they are welcome but max 2 hours, help themselves to drinks in the kitchen, Mavis isn't able to get any for them, your top priority right now is establishing breastfeeding and so on.

They sound like a nightmare. I'd pick a town in the middle (so only 20 minutes or so drive for each of you) and arrange to meet there for a pub lunch, or a walk in the park etc. Tell them the baby needs some fresh air and sunshine/vitamin D!

45 minutes is no where near far enough away to justify staying that long! I'd get DH to tell his Dad a visit is fine as long as it's only for a couple of hours then make sure it's enforced. If it's not, then say no next time!

you need to say no, in advance, and then rehearse how you (your DH) will ask them to leave on the day.

In advance: "It will be nice to see you on Tuesday - can you come around 2 and stay a couple of hours? I'll need to be saying goodbye around 4"

DO NOT say you are going out or they will wait until you are physically leaving the house and go with you. You don't want to leave the house with a newborn but even if you did, you want to get rid of them, get ready, and leave, at your own pace. These are definitely the type to hear "I'm going out in about 15 minutes" as an invitation to leave the house with you in 15 mins (for me, baby or not, it means "I need you to go now to give me a 15 min window between you and my next thing to get ready, clear my head, have some space" but I have learnt that it is not heard that way, the hard way.)

On the day, count down.

3.30 "Would you like another cup of tea before you go? Are you straight off home or are you going somewhere else? the garden centre on x road has a sale on, you'll catch that as they close at 4.30 today" - general prattle around the fact that EVERYONE HAS DEFINITELY ACCEPTED THEY ARE LEAVING AT 4

at 4 - DH stands up, takes away their mugs, says "Lovely to see you. Do you want to pop to the bathroom before you go?" If they say they're ok then he says "I'll walk you to your car. " you stay sitting on your sad battered arse, give them lots of smiles and kisses and nice words, and let DH usher them out. It may take 15 minutes with this type. But better than 11 hours.

Just to add to everyone's good advice, don't go upstairs to feed your baby, you are in your own home. If they don't like the sight of a breast then they know what they can do.

Invite them to come round at 8pm but when they arrive say that you have to go out at 8.30pm and that you are glad they are coming so they can babysit. Then book a posh hotel for you, DH and your DD and leave.

They are unacceptably rude.

Buzzard: Definitely. I am a bit worried about BF in front of my in-laws when my baby arrives and they visit, but we have front and back rooms, so I intend to say, "I'm going to feed her now, you're welcome to stay in here or go in the other room." Then sit right where I am. No way am I banishing myself to my bedroom as if I am doing something weird.

If they ignore the usual social cues, then you have to be blunt. There is no other way (other than putting up with it). Your husband should deal with it, but if he doesn't, you can say 'It's been lovely to see you but I'm learning to breastfeed and need to have some time to myself and the baby. I can only manage visitors for an hour.'

If they insist on staying then you just have to repeat and say 'No, an hour is all I can manage.'

Then if they stay go upstairs and leave them to it (though this is your house, so you shouldn't have to!!!)

I found when bf initially I wanted personal space and wanted others to leave me to it. For starters it can be quite sore and the baby struggles to latch on. You don't want an audience learning how to bf.

I found with a newborn it was easier to go and visit people at their homes, that way you can decide when it's time to leave. And they have to make you tea.

Why on earth didn't you tell them they'd have to go as you didn't have enough food to give them lunch and dinner? Or simply be quite blunt and ask them whether they knew where the door was?

You have a few options:

• tell them in advance to come but you can only manage an hour as you are very tired. This should be fine, you could text if it feels too much to say. If they ignore this they are rude
• tell them to come next week but again only for 2-3 hours
• let them come, sit downstairs for half an hour, then just take the baby upstairs for the rest of the time and rest.

Tell them they can't come. They won't listen to you any other way.
IF you let them come and try to change things while they're there, they're not likely to pay any attention, given what you've said about previous attempts at this - so the best thing is to not let them in the door in the first place.

Or if you can't manage that, then just point blank refuse to do anything for them. You could try my mum's tactic when I used to walk in the door "Hello, would you like a cuppa?"
"Yes please mum"
"Well you know where the kitchen is, help yourself, and I'd love a coffee while you're there"
Bloody annoying, but it would get your message across!

Also agree with refusing to move to feed. Just stare them down and say "I'm feeding her here, you can go elsewhere if you'd prefer not to see".

But in all honesty, your best bet is just to say No to the visit at the outset.

Can you go and visit them instead so that you decide how long you stay?
Or arrange to meet in a pub for lunch or a park halfway between the two?
I certainly wouldn't be entertaining visitors for that length of time!

Your DH should be dealing with this really. You have a very young baby and BF and thats all you need to concentrate on. He needs to talk to them and tell it straight. Its not rude to do so. Most people know not to outstay their welcome with newborns. Tell your DH to tell them not to come unless it is for a short period of time (that you are happy with) or not at all until they are invited. If they are pissed off them tough shit.

45 mins away?

My Ils were an hr away & would only do an afternoon!

I think you should say no & tell them that it was just too much work.