Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child-free wedding

296 replies

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:17

Posting on behalf of my best friend as she doesn't have an account I hope that's OK.

My best friend is getting married in March and she and her fiancé want a child free wedding. They don't have children themselves and not loads of close family with young children. The wedding is in the city where they live but they have some family travelling from further afield (Manchester, wedding in South East.) After this decision was made the bride's cousin announced his wife is pregnant and due to give birth in December so baby will be very young at the time of the wedding.

The couple plus brides aunt (cousin's mother) are putting pressure on bride and groom to allow the couple to bring their young baby. Other family members are getting i olives saying cousin and wine won't be able to attend without the baby. My friend and her fiancé are very stressed about this as they want the cousin and his wife to be present but they have already told others it's a child free wedding and it's going to be quite a formal affair and they personally want it to be just adults.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
meganorks · 30/08/2016 19:18

I think babies under 6 months are fine. We had a child free wedding but there were 2 small babies there. Its different though. They don't need feeding and aren't running around the place.
That said, if the wedding is overseas that does make it very difficult for anyone with children. Mine are older and fine to be left with grandparents. But I wouldn't travel that far and for that long without them!

user1469300540 · 30/08/2016 19:22

I was recently invited to a wedding but my 4mo DD wasn't invited. It was a 4hr drive away and meant an overnight stay. Although I was annoyed my DD wasn't invited (she wouldn't need a chair or food so no extra cost. The bride said money was the reason it was no children) I understood the couples decision. We politely declined and were honest about our reasons for it. Our friend was really understanding and very apologetic but felt she needed to stand by her decision. We still sent a card and a present.

Your wedding day it so special and you should have what you want. Being a mum is also amazing and you should do what you need to do. If your friend is adamant that's what she wants then she has to accept that some people will choose not to attend. I can see both sides. Ultimately your friend knows what she wants most. She just needs to be honest with herself and her family.

ShelaghTurner · 30/08/2016 19:36

Thank fuck I have no weddings on the horizon. And thank fuck that every wedding I ever went to was a family occasion and let people decide for themselves whether to have a child free day or not. A child free wedding says a lot about the couple.

camelfinger · 30/08/2016 19:37

I am inclined to think that the relatives putting on pressure are BU, but sometimes the bride and groom haven't thought through the practicalities of what it's like leaving a small baby. If I was invited to a wedding now I'd probably not go, as it's likely be miles away from home and my family so I wouldn't be able to arrange childcare over such a long period.

Sierra259 · 30/08/2016 19:43

I do find it interesting that the guest couple were insisting on special treatment because of their newborn (fair enough) but now want to bring another child along too. And therefore open the floodgates for everyone else to insist on bringing their little ones too.

We had capacity for 80 to the daytime reception. If we had invited everyone's children, that would have been 20 "spaces" taken, before even counting their parents and any other guests. We simply said space did not permit us to invite children and gave plenty of notice for people to hopefully arrange childcare - accepting unfortunately some people might not be able to come. The bride and groom would maybe BU to say no to very young babies (say under 8 months) but if they would prefer a child free wedding they should stick to that with no exceptions.

smilingontheinside · 30/08/2016 19:48

I think the bride and groom should have what they want on their day and if it means the cousin chooses not to come (1 could attend) that is up to them. Having been at weddings with babies and small children crying, running around, stressing out their parents and other guests I would enjoy a child free event ;)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2016 19:49

B&G have been totally reasonable to say babe in arms is fine. But give someone an inch....

Exactly Sad

Crikeyme · 30/08/2016 19:49

A child-free wedding that only accommodates babes-in-arms is fine - most people will understand the difference between pretty much a newborn and several rampaging/whining primary schoolers. And don't worry about those who don't! I've been to child-free weddings which were bliss, and weddings full of kids which were lovely and joyful - all depends on the behaviour of the kids, and that's beyond your control. Our DD had been to two weddings before she was a month old, and I breastfed at both of them (staff at both venues were enormously helpful), and even at 'child-free' weddings, no-one should be upset or offended that a breast-feeding 3mo is there when their 7yo isn't. Good luck to your friends, wedding planning can be stressful enough!

Mrsmummyof1 · 30/08/2016 20:29

This is something I really feel passionate about; I didn't get to have the wedding of my dreams, due to pressure from people to have it a certain way. Anyway, I really believe that couples should have the wedding that they want. If that means no kids, then their loved ones really need to respect that. It's their day after all...

Lots of posters saying they prefer weddings with kids, but it's up to the individual bride and groom, noone's business but theirs. I would just say though that babes in arms are slightly different to 'kids', they can't be left, and often times will sleep lots anyway, so won't cause any problems. I think it's harsh to not allow the cousin to bring their baby, notwithstanding the child-free policy.

IAmACraftyTeacher · 30/08/2016 20:45

This is exactly why if I ever get married I am buggering off and doing it without telling anyone! It's the bride and grooms day and if they don't want children, including babies there, then that's their decision.

Daydream007 · 30/08/2016 20:47

Ridiculous and selfish of the bride and groom to expect and pressurise new parents to leave such a young child at home whilst they attend the wedding. Not everyone is lucky enough to have good close relatives to look after a baby. I would never attend a wedding without my baby.

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2016 20:48

For anyone that's missed it, the bride and groom agreed to let the small baby come to the wedding. The family don't think this is good enough and the three year old should come too.

Mrsmummyof1 · 30/08/2016 20:53

Nope - they need to say baby only, and guests should be happy they've got that. If the guests don't like it, then they know what they can do!

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 30/08/2016 20:56

@Daydream007
What a dramatic statement.

TT10677 · 30/08/2016 20:59

Nope. We did the same. In fact most of our friends welcomed it as they could have a night off and not have to leave early with the kids. My cousin had a baby not long before too and unfortunately couldn't come but that's the way it goes. Having children at a wedding is nice but it does change the event especially when most of your guests have to leave early with the kids or don't enjoy the day because they fraught are running around after them. By the time you add everyone's kids in as well (because you can't say you can bring your kid but you can't) it eats into your numbers and then you end up not being able to invite people you want to. We have a wedding in October that is no kids and one of us will be going. That's the way it goes.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 30/08/2016 21:14

If they want the cousin and wife there then they must allow the baby. Even with child free weddings it's standard for young babies to be there. The reality is the baby will be too young to leave (and its wholly unreasonable to expect them to leave the baby), if they don't allow the baby the cousin won't come and they will probably upset the aunt / uncle etc.

It's their decision re child free as its their wedding, they need to realise that it will prevent some people attending and not be offended by that.

My friend had a fantastic child free wedding -she hired nannies and had a crèche on site. Wedding and reception was child free and great fun, the children could then join the party in the evening. Worth thinking about as worked really well, particularly as everyone stayed in the Manor House the wedding was held and there was a babysitters to sit outside the rooms that had children (rooms all in one wing of house so one sitter could hear all children).

Ewock · 30/08/2016 21:18

I think the B & g are NBU. We had a child free wedding and I wouldn't change it for the world. It was our decision to make and at the time my DM was very against it. However I spoke to 2 of my cousins who had children and our friends who had children. They were all understanding and actually said they would enjoy the wedding better without their children there, all apart from 1 friend. They said they could not leave their DD (3 at the time) with the in laws for that length of time. We understood this and said although it was shame that we fully understood and accepted their decision. They then said they could make either the wedding ceremony or the wedding breakfast and evening reception. We asked that they came to the wedding ceremony as that was the most important part of the day for us. Several weeks later they decided to come to the whole thing. We still have no idea why they changed their mind but were glad that we all.could see each others point of view. After the wedding my DM said she now understood why I had said no children. However I will say that no one had young babies which I would have said not a problem to coming. But as OP has said they have tried this compromise and its a no go.
I think your friend needs to stick to what her and her DP want otherwise they will regret it.

Newtothis2017 · 30/08/2016 21:46

I was bridesmaid for my best friend. She made me leave my 6 week old baby at home for the 2 nights of her wedding. I hated leaving my lo and hated the wedding. I only wanted my mum to come to the hotel and mind the baby there. I didn't want to bring my baby to the church or reception and I was still told no. That was 6 years ago and I still haven't forgotten how upset I was 😭😭

SandyY2K · 30/08/2016 22:04

I was bridesmaid for my best friend. She made me leave my 6 week old baby at home for the 2 nights of her wedding. I hated leaving my lo and hated the wedding. I only wanted my mum to come to the hotel and mind the baby there. I didn't want to bring my baby to the church or reception and I was still told no. That was 6 years ago and I still haven't forgotten how upset I was.

You should have not been a bridesmaid for her in that situation, as she was only thinking about herself.

2 days away from a 6 week old. I wouldn't have done that.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 22:15

But you didn't have to do it if the wedding was that close to you having the baby. Presumably if you had stepped down when you were in the earlier stages of pregnancy (or declined if you were already pregnant) - that would have been better than going ahead anyway and moaning feeling unhappy

Secretmetalfan · 30/08/2016 22:16

They can decide to make an exception for babies or accept the cousin won't go. Neither is wrong but the two have incompatible needs at this time. Personally I have a blanket ban on accepting child free wedding invites as we have no one to leave DC with all day and night so completely impractical for us.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 22:17

And why couldn't your DM look after the baby at the hotel? Surely the bride can't police that?

Breadwidow · 30/08/2016 22:48

Cousin and wife should just not bother going, sounds like it will be a dreadfully dull manicured affair with all life and soul sucked out anyway (I mean if you care about a baby crying for a second during the ceremony you need some real shit to worry about!) so I'd say they were better off! Can see why both are offended though - b&g want day of dreams and cousin & wife feel they are denied to bring their nearest and most significant family members. No one is wrong, I just wish this wasn't even a debate, in my perfect world no one would have a manicured child free wedding and in my near perfect world if someone did you could just decline with no offence on either side. As you can tell Id rather attend a rough n ready kids and every one wedding than a polished childfree affair. This is good on the subject: thisruthlessworld.wordpress.com/2012/09/05/on-child-free-weddings/

Postchildrenpregranny · 30/08/2016 22:48

Call me old fashioned but I really don't 'get'why people have child free weddings. .Surely it's about joining two families?Including all generations .
I had a new born ,an 8month old and two four year olds at my wedding .Local friends chose to have a child -free day .....
I took both my daughters to weddings when they were weeks old and bf. Each involved an overnight stay (we left our 4year old behind with GPs for the second-our choice. The bride was quite dissapointed .) It would never gave occurred to me to check if my new born was welcome .Obviously one has to be prepared to remove them from the ceemony of need be .Same applies to young children I went to a recent wedding where this was tactfully requested on the invitation

Do wedding venues realy charge a lot for small children?
I suspect some couples just don't want any attention diverted from them by cute little ones ...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 22:50

Or they don't find children particularly 'cute' esp if they don't have them?

Everyone is welcome to have their choice of wedding - and it looks like the cousin is determined to take the piss.

Swipe left for the next trending thread