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Original poster

Child-free wedding

296 replies

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:17

Posting on behalf of my best friend as she doesn't have an account I hope that's OK.

My best friend is getting married in March and she and her fiancé want a child free wedding. They don't have children themselves and not loads of close family with young children. The wedding is in the city where they live but they have some family travelling from further afield (Manchester, wedding in South East.) After this decision was made the bride's cousin announced his wife is pregnant and due to give birth in December so baby will be very young at the time of the wedding.

The couple plus brides aunt (cousin's mother) are putting pressure on bride and groom to allow the couple to bring their young baby. Other family members are getting i olives saying cousin and wine won't be able to attend without the baby. My friend and her fiancé are very stressed about this as they want the cousin and his wife to be present but they have already told others it's a child free wedding and it's going to be quite a formal affair and they personally want it to be just adults.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Velvian · 31/08/2016 08:35

The cousin with the baby is probably also under a lot of pressure from her family to attend the wedding, it would be nice if she could just decide to stay at home with the baby, but real life is not like that & everyone will not be fine with it, it is likely to be referred to for years to come whether she attends with the baby, without the baby or stays at home and it is a situation that the parents have been forced into. -Nasty

SandyY2K · 31/08/2016 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 31/08/2016 08:44

There's a superstition in my culture that if you do not welcome children at your wedding, you won't have any of your own.

That's a helpful contribution to the thread. Hmm

Base your decision on whether you want children at your wedding or not, not some ridiculous superstition.

Fishface77 · 31/08/2016 08:52

The B&G agreed to the cousins baby coming but this has now opened the floodgates for the cousin and the cousins sister who now want to bring the older kids if I've read rightly?
So not going into my preferences, experiences, wants, needs, feeding patterns of the indigenous bear species of Birmingham etc, the B&G are right and should stick to their guns.
Any family fall out is the fault of the aunts and cousins.

Fishface77 · 31/08/2016 08:52

In my opinion.

FrancisCrawford · 31/08/2016 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretCavendish · 31/08/2016 09:00

There's a superstition in my culture that if you do not welcome children at your wedding, you won't have any of your own.

There's a superstition in my culture that if you don't politely accept the decisions of people organising and paying for celebrations then you won't fucking get invited in the future.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 09:01

This notion of silent reverence is so absurd

How very rude.

Nobodysproblem · 31/08/2016 09:04

What do they want more- a child free wedding or their cousin there? If anyone questions why X could bring their kid and not Y, then they should just politely inform said person it's their wedding, and their choice!

Nobody should pressure anyone into doing anything though. I do think blanket no kid policies, especially young family kids, are sometimes a bit harsh, but it's their wedding so they shouldn't be forced to do anything they do not want!

WindInThePussyWillows · 31/08/2016 10:03

I took my four week old twins to a wedding and whilst they slept the whole day and didn't make any noise, I had a miserable time and was exhausted and overwhelmed by them being passed around by strangers and once the reception got going it was horrible being around a load of pissed up family and friends who wanted to help but actually made everything a lot harder for me.

They either come without the baby or not at all - best for everyone.

genius1308 · 31/08/2016 10:25

We had NO children at our wedding and would do the same again. It was so much easier not worrying about which 'little darling' was going to have a melt down during the service and spoil the day. Didn't even invite my husbands twin brothers children! I don't see a problem. It's your wedding, you're paying for it, do it whichever way you want. We did have a couple of friends who said they couldn't come because their kids weren't invited but that's their choice and it definitely didn't spoil our day. In fairness most parents said it was nice to have a child free day/ night. I would MAYBE reconsider for a 'babe in arms', especially if mum was breastfeeding just because it would be impossible for mum to attend. Saying that I would definitely highlight that you would want the baby taken out if it started crying during the service etc (it always surprises me how many people let their children have a meltdown during a service/show/ceremony and just ignore them without any thought for other people). Very small babies tend to be less trouble than toddlers/older children! As long as they're fed they tend to be very quiet ;-)

GeminiRising · 31/08/2016 11:17

There's a superstition in my culture that if you do not welcome children at your wedding, you won't have any of your own.

Well that's a load of old tosh. Hmm

I had a child-free wedding 23 years ago (with absolutely no regrets whatsoever) and I had two of the little buggers subsequently

And for the PP who think that a child-free wedding means 'perfectly manicured' you couldn't be more wrong. We partied hard without worrying about having to deal with kids, and my husband and I were the last to leave at 2am because we wanted to enjoy every second of our day. Our friends who had kids really enjoyed the opportunity to let their hair down too.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 11:23

And for the PP who think that a child-free wedding means 'perfectly manicured' you couldn't be more wrong

Indeed. I feel sorry for people who have to categorise those who enjoy being away from children as order/perfection-seeking monsters. Their lives must be a misery.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/08/2016 11:24

Reading a lot of these replies I'm not surprised that some parents are deemed 'entitled'.

Not everyone wants children

Not everyone likes children

Someone may like the parents but not be that fussed about the children

It's a shame the bride and groom tried to compromise as its been thrown back in their faces.

I would withdraw the invitation and have done with it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/08/2016 11:24

And why does not adoring every child you come across get described as 'miserable'?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/08/2016 11:26

And other than the bride and groom, the absence of anyone else is not going to prevent the wedding! I think the cousin is putting too much importance on their presence.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 31/08/2016 11:35

I think the B&G should stick to their original rules. I had a child-free wedding ten years ago and glad I did.
I've been to too many weddings where parents don't take their children out when they scream all the way through the ceremony.
Or where kids get overexcited running round after the meal and vomit all over the floor in the marquee.
I was put under a lot of pressure to allow certain children but glad I didn't because the parents who put you under that pressure are also the ones who won't be sensitive to your wishes during the wedding either.

HarryMonty · 31/08/2016 11:41

I got married last year and had a no children wedding, with the exception of those with babies in arms ( my own 9month old attended) and we provided a quiet space for Breast feeding/ changing etc

It was an overnight stay for most and those whom could not get child sitters either just came for the day/ wedding breakfast or one half of a couple came

None of my really close friends or immediate family have children which is why we made this decision, if we had said yes to children it would have meant another possible 40 guests most of whom would not really remember the day!!

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 31/08/2016 11:42

Children of the family are very different IMO. I guess if you know they are -little terrors- rather active kids, you could ask their parents to keep them under control during the service and at speech times.

In my experience the parents are generally completely oblivious though, and have a much higher threshold for what's unacceptable than most others.

It's like school performances where parents are asked to take younger childrenout if they start making a noise. There's always some parents who don't think that applies to their child, which then completely ruins the performance for other parents.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/08/2016 12:08

I was put under a lot of pressure to allow certain children but glad I didn't because the parents who put you under that pressure are also the ones who won't be sensitive to your wishes during the wedding either

You beat me to it ... I was about to ask if anyone else had found that the parents who kick up the biggest stink about their childrens' attendance are precisely those who are least likely to control them?

I had just such a couple who (perhaps unsurprisingly) ignored the child-free request and turned up with their three anyway. Worse still, they arrived late and noisily and allowed them to stampede across my train as I waited to walk up the aisle

Possibly I was unwise for inviting them at all, though, knowing what they were like Hmm

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2016 12:38

"my friend said she would make an exception for the babe in arms but the family won't accept that as the mother of the baby would want her other child to come and then the cousins sister is insisting her 3 year old son attend also."
B&G are willing to compromise, family are not. I'm afraid my response was would be 'Oh dear, what a pity, we would so have liked you to be there, but if you don't feel you can then that's that.' I do not play nice with adult tantrumming pressure. (The fallout was short-lived.)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2016 13:26

Went to a family christening, had my wedding, and a family funeral in fairly close succession.
The christening and funeral were both disrupted by one set of family children who were uncontrolled and rowdy, with parents who didn't care about anyone else's feelings.
I had a child free wedding because of them.

Breadwidow · 31/08/2016 15:12

Sorry, 'joyless' was a bit harsh, of course weddings without kids can be fun (there's free booze after all!) . . . I was being a tad extreme to illustrate my point that I do think the whole child free wedding scenario is just a bit of a shame as these days there are so few multigenerational come one and all get togethers (like I love the fact that in Spain and Italy people more often take kids to restaurants in the evenings and no one is annoyed and everyone seems more relaxed) and weddings are often the last bastion of that. I love the messy haphazard come one and all weddings where usually its all pretty cheap as you just pay one flat cost for the venue and the food may be a home made affair. I had one of these wedding myself but I do appreciate different things appeal to different people so considering that I just wish people could be less offended or bothered about those with kids turning down invites to child free weddings (and on the other side, you could be less offended and worried about turning down an invite cos of the kids). I totally agree with the poster who said: "The cousin with the baby is probably also under a lot of pressure from her family to attend the wedding, it would be nice if she could just decide to stay at home with the baby, but real life is not like that & everyone will not be fine with it, it is likely to be referred to for years to come whether she attends with the baby, without the baby or stays at home and it is a situation that the parents have been forced into.". My cousin had a child free wedding back when DS was a toddler. After a bit of wrangling we turned down the invite partly because the wedding was so far away - it involved at least one overnight stay. We had never left DS so long . . . I was less worried about him actually, just thought it was a massive imposition for my MIL to have our toddler to stay for so long when he may have been a screaming mess the majority of the time . . . we looked into MIL coming with us but that put the cost of attendance on the par of a family holiday. Anyway, I know my cousin was not offended and no one in the family thought it was odd or a bad thing to do.

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 16:04

Sorry, 'joyless' was a bit harsh, of course weddings without kids can be fun (there's free booze after all!) . . . I was being a tad extreme to illustrate my point that I do think the whole child free wedding scenario is just a bit of a shame as these days there are so few multigenerational come one and all get togethers (like I love the fact that in Spain and Italy people more often take kids to restaurants in the evenings and no one is annoyed and everyone seems more relaxed) and weddings are often the last bastion of that.

In Spain and Italy people pass babies around. Big difference. They're a communal joy.

Breadwidow · 31/08/2016 16:15

Apple: wouldn't it be nice if we did more baby passing here?