Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child-free wedding

296 replies

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:17

Posting on behalf of my best friend as she doesn't have an account I hope that's OK.

My best friend is getting married in March and she and her fiancé want a child free wedding. They don't have children themselves and not loads of close family with young children. The wedding is in the city where they live but they have some family travelling from further afield (Manchester, wedding in South East.) After this decision was made the bride's cousin announced his wife is pregnant and due to give birth in December so baby will be very young at the time of the wedding.

The couple plus brides aunt (cousin's mother) are putting pressure on bride and groom to allow the couple to bring their young baby. Other family members are getting i olives saying cousin and wine won't be able to attend without the baby. My friend and her fiancé are very stressed about this as they want the cousin and his wife to be present but they have already told others it's a child free wedding and it's going to be quite a formal affair and they personally want it to be just adults.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DelicatePreciousThing1 · 29/08/2016 09:33

The couple want their wedding to be about them. It is their day after all. Why is anyone trying to force their hand?

FrancisCrawford · 29/08/2016 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/08/2016 09:34

*traumatised to be ripped from its parents' Hmm

Seriously? So how do parents manage when they have to work? I think you need to get a grip.

m0therofdragons · 29/08/2016 09:35

Omg seriously why would you be such an arse to someone you like? Of course a young baby can't be left for the sake of a wedding. It depresses me people need to ask opinions on this.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 09:36

It isn't the nicest, but it is their decision. It isn't in any sense 'unreasonable' for them to have a child free wedding.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 29/08/2016 09:37

Why is there such a massive sense of entitlement nowadays? The couple should not have to be put under this sort of pressure. Grrrr

PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2016 09:37

seriously? So how do parents manage when they have to work? I think you need to get a grip.

I agree the "ripped from its parents" is hugely over the top, but most people's work doesn't require them to leave the baby with neither parent for the whole weekend and it's unusual to be back at work when the baby is only 2-3minths old.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/08/2016 09:38

But presumably it's not compulsory for the cousins to attend? So they can make the decision not to go. Why is it always such a drama - go, don't go, unless they are exceptionally close to the couple, I doubt if they will even remember whether or not they came in years to come.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 29/08/2016 09:38

...should not have to feel under the slightest pressure...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/08/2016 09:40

Why do people think that their presence is so important at an event that they must be made an exception to the child free rule?

The cousins don't have to leave the baby if they don't want to. They don't have to attend the wedding.

Queenbean · 29/08/2016 09:42

Omg seriously why would you be such an arse to someone you like? Of course a young baby can't be left for the sake of a wedding. It depresses me people need to ask opinions on this.

Maybe they don't want a baby crying all through the ceremony and interrupting the service? Maybe the cousin actually isn't that close to them so they don't mind if she comes or not? Maybe if it's so important the cousin is with the baby she should stop trying to make the wedding about her and just not go.

phillipp · 29/08/2016 09:43

I really think the couple and the aunt shouldn't be putting pressure on them. They should have just declined the invitation.

I have had two kids. I can't get horrified by a child free wedding. I feel the same about them now, as I did before before I had kids.

By three months I had also let my mum have my kids for a few hours while I did some shopping and got my hair done. My kids are not traumatised by it at all. Confused

phillipp · 29/08/2016 09:43

I really dont thinkBlush

WamBamThankYouMaam · 29/08/2016 09:45

Personally I'd allow babies in arms, and I had a child free wedding.

Especially because the baby will be just a few months old, and the wedding will involve a long drive and overnight stay. You can't really leave a 3m old baby for that length of time.

However, I wouldn't put pressure on the bride and groom because it's their call regardless.

I also don't think allowing babies in arms opens up any sort of floodgates because there is a clear distinction between them and other children.

CodyKing · 29/08/2016 09:45

I wonder what these child free wedding couple do when they have kids are are invited to a child free wedding?

Wonder if they see it differently?

Children are also family - being young should not exclude them from family events

AntiHop · 29/08/2016 09:46

B and g are being unreasonable. Assuming the baby is breastfed. Even if the mother expressed in advance, she would be in a lot of pain in her breasts from the build up of milk whilst she's away from the baby. She will probably leak breast milk and will be at risk of mastitis which is a painful and serious infection.

Even if the baby us formula fed, that's very young to leave your baby.

If you're going to have a child free wedding, you'll have to accept the parents' judgement about whether they want to come or not. Even though my dd is 24 months, I wouldn't be able to attend a child free wedding as I've got no one around who could babysit for that length of time.

zolalola · 29/08/2016 09:47

I wouldn't leave a newborn to go to a wedding and I wouldn't expect anyone else to either. The b&g are BU on this one it's a tiny baby

LagunaBubbles · 29/08/2016 09:50

Well it all depends on how much your best friend wants her cousin at the wedding, they cant come without their baby.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 29/08/2016 09:50

wonder what these child free wedding couple do when they have kids are are invited to a child free wedding?

They may not have kids

But if they do then if they kick off that's the point they become unreasonable.

Plus it often seems to be that if babes in arms are allowed, then what about little Johnny who is the older sibling etc? Blanket ban is the only fair way - then everyone has a choice

sentia · 29/08/2016 09:51

There are two options re children at weddings:
1- the wedding is child free, and the bride and groom accept that some people won't be able to come as a result
2- the wedding is not child free, whether that is babes-in-arms only or all children

Anything else is fraught and probably going to involve someone being impolite, either guests pressuring for exceptions to the child free rule or bride/groom pressuring people to come without their children.

Totally child free isn't universally socially accepted, as your friend has discovered OP. the bride and groom have to decide for themselves. Personally I think having children at a wedding is fine and was how we did things, but that's just my view.

Original poster
GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:52

She doesn't know if the baby will be EBF. Also the couple have an older child of about 4.

Bride and groom don't really want the baby there (crying during ceremony etc) but fear a family fall out of they stick to their guns.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 29/08/2016 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2016 09:56

It isn't really relevant whether the baby is EBF or not-it's the age of the baby and how long they'd have to leave it for. A four year old could have a lovely weekend with grandparents. Since you haven't mentioned him before I'm guessing they're not asking to bring both children.

I've been to plenty of wedding with very young babies and none of them have been disrupted by crying. Either the baby is sleeping, feeding or outside the room crying. Unless you've got really inconsiderate friends they'll leave if the baby cries

It's totally up to the bride and groom. It's their day but it is a fairly militant stance compared to what most people do regarding "child free" and it will probably annoy people.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/08/2016 09:56

If they dont want the baby there, they they gotta except that cousin and wife probably wont come.

MargaretCavendish · 29/08/2016 09:57

*I wonder what these child free wedding couple do when they have kids are are invited to a child free wedding?

Wonder if they see it differently?*

Why would they? It's not like they didn't know children existed before their own!

I always think that hatred of childfree weddings is yet another way that those who get married/have children a bit later in life get a raw deal. When I got married I was 27 and no one in my social circle had children, so we didn't have to have a 'childfree' wedding to ensure a nearly all adult event - we just ended up with one little baby and one toddler as guests among eighty people. Now we're in our 30s people getting married are getting a lot of hassle about allowing children, even though it might turn their reception into a kiddies' party. It seems so unfair to me because a lot of those complaining had 'naturally' childfree weddings like us!