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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child-free wedding

296 replies

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:17

Posting on behalf of my best friend as she doesn't have an account I hope that's OK.

My best friend is getting married in March and she and her fiancé want a child free wedding. They don't have children themselves and not loads of close family with young children. The wedding is in the city where they live but they have some family travelling from further afield (Manchester, wedding in South East.) After this decision was made the bride's cousin announced his wife is pregnant and due to give birth in December so baby will be very young at the time of the wedding.

The couple plus brides aunt (cousin's mother) are putting pressure on bride and groom to allow the couple to bring their young baby. Other family members are getting i olives saying cousin and wine won't be able to attend without the baby. My friend and her fiancé are very stressed about this as they want the cousin and his wife to be present but they have already told others it's a child free wedding and it's going to be quite a formal affair and they personally want it to be just adults.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/08/2016 10:10

friend said she would make an exception for the babe in arms but the family won't accept that as the mother of the baby would want her other child to come and then the cousins sister is insisting her 3 year old son attend also

Ah yes, here we go; I'm afraid I expected that. The trouble with exceptions is so often the "me too" brigade, and with the groom's previous experience of children at weddings it's hard to see how the couple can be blamed Sad

They've clearly done their best and it's still not enough for some, so it's probably time to put their foot down. I wouldn't personally go into details of whose idea it is, though ... perhaps better to say this is our decision and leave guests to think what they wish?

Craigie · 30/08/2016 17:33

Oh god, the bride & groom are being totally unreasonable, but that might be because I think child free weddings are more like corporate entertainment - boring, boring, boring.

Shona52 · 30/08/2016 17:45

I agree newborns are not the same as other children you can't expect a mother to leave her baby so young (especially if she's breastfeeding)

If I was the mother I wouldn't go without my baby. So it's up to the B&G if they want the couple there or not.

Floey · 30/08/2016 17:47

Collarsandcutoffs, seriously? You need to share that advice with the women who go back to work after a baby is born. Of course you can leave a 2 - 3 month old with a carer. There are babies that age in nurseries or with nannies/childminders all over the country. A few hours is not going to cause lasting damage. Child Free is Child Free, it is the B & G's big day. The parents can have their big day at a christening/naming ceremony

falange · 30/08/2016 17:48

If they have a child they can't come. Can't understand what problem is?

Idliketobeabutterfly · 30/08/2016 17:50

It would be so much easier not to make exceptions

sophiestew · 30/08/2016 17:52

I wouldn't have left my babies at such a young age to attend a wedding, but I wouldn't have been remotely huffy about not being able to attend if a B&G had decided they wanted their wedding to be child free.

To be honest, I am wondering if it is actually the cousins who have a problem? Maybe they don't want to come anyway, and it's the aunties who have seized on the opportunity for a bit of a wedding bun fight?

Your friend should graciously accept the cousins wedding decline, and ignore any representations from others. If the aunties get too toxic they should be uninvited. You have to start out as you mean to go on!! Grin

GoneClubbing · 30/08/2016 17:55

Well said Falange. Anyone would think there is some non-negotiable automatic right to go to weddings, in fact do absolutely anything, if you have a newborn. It's insane.

BellaOfTheBalls · 30/08/2016 17:57

Not RTFT so apologise now. It's a really difficult one and I do see where your best friend is coming from. However I've been in the situation as a wedding guest & it wasn't fun either! DH's best friend got married. Formal affair, fairly posh, DH was master of ceremonies. They were insisting on blanket child free wedding. I was pregnant when invite was received, DS1 was 5mo when they got married, exclusively breastfed and would not take a bottle (we tried, repeatedly). My parents too far away to help out, PIL disabled and unable to look after small baby for long period. Wedding was in a country hotel, middle of nowhere & 2 hour drive from our house. There was no way I would be able to attend without DS1.

Very awkward conversation with B&G, sudden realisation on their part that perhaps there might be limitations on this and babes in arms that would not ruin seating plan, head count or the amount of alcohol required for the toast mighr not be so bad.

As it turned out another family member had a slightly older disabled baby that also came along. They'd had to have the exact same conversation. As the B&G were so accommodating I tried to be as respectful as possible. We were staying at the hotel so I breastfed him in our room and the moment he made the slightest peep of a noise took him out.

Your friend shouldn't be pressurised into it and that is unfair on the family to do that but at the same time needs to consider how much does she wants these guests there?

hilbil21 · 30/08/2016 17:59

We are having a child free wedding in November and up until last week I had stuck to my guns completely (only two people moaned - one who is now not coming because of it!) however, the children in question were 13 and 5. My cousin is breastfeeding and can't express enough to last the day. She needs to bring the baby otherwise she can't come, so I've said its ok. I hope the other guests who may have liked to have brought their children agree!

SandyY2K · 30/08/2016 18:00

Why do people always blame the bride? Very annoying thst women always get blamed.

If the cousin refuses to come without her other child, then she is free to decline. Especially if the cousins sister is insisting on her 3 year old being there, then they are being unreasonable. The two sisters should get a babysitter for the two kids.

I only had childten of the family at my wedding and one of them fell when going to sit down in the church , which is audible of the wedding video. Kind of annoying, but I don't watch the video much.

How close is the groom to the cousins? Will it cause a huge family rift?

Idliketobeabutterfly · 30/08/2016 18:05

Why can she not express and freeze some?

londonrach · 30/08/2016 18:07

Up to bride and groom end of story. No one else should have any decision on this. If they want child free go for child free. I am so glad i had a child free wedding now. I have a very new born at the present time and if i had a child free wedding invite id just send my apologies with a nice card and my best wishes. No hassle. A wedding is an invite not a summons. (Mn showed me this).

Mummaaaaaah · 30/08/2016 18:14

I absolutely don't understand people who think they should dictate to the b&g who they have at their wedding. B&g have been totally reasonable to say babe in arms is fine. But give someone an inch....

We had child free except wedding party and babes in arms. Still my aunt complained that as it was such a big wedding why the hell couldn't she have brought her children. My cousins. I have 29 cousins. We worked out that if all children would have been welcome it would have been well over 60!!!

mrshuggybear · 30/08/2016 18:15

The baby will be 3-4 months old and will need his/her parents and especially his/her mother. That is too young to be forced to be separated for a whole day IMHO unless it is the choice of his Mum.

If his mum is breastfeeding then of course the baby will need to be with her all day, expressing isn't that easy, it takes a lot of preparation and some babies just don't take to bottles anyway.

We were invited to a wedding 6 hours away when my daughter was older than that, she was still breastfeeding and had never been left with anyone other than my parents for a whole day. It was family children only. We decided a 6 hour drive, staying in a place she didn't know, staying with a grandparent she barely knew and being separated from us from 10am until later in the evening wouldn't be good for her or us.

Mumtotwobs · 30/08/2016 18:17

We were invited to a family wedding when my DD was only 5 months old and EBF and Ds was two. No children was stated very clearly on the invite so we politely declined only to be completely harassed and made to feel so guilty for being unsupportive. Cue huge family bust up (the B&G not particularly close relatives and from my side I hasten to add but Bridezilla and spoiled brat of a Groom wanted everything "perfect"!)

We had a huge issue of no childcare as all of our trusted babysitters were at the wedding. My IL were the "assumed" babysitters by the B&G and it was so inconvenient that they happened to have booked a long awaited round the world cruise at the time of the wedding. My DH is an only child so no other reasonable option for babysitters.

I was happy not to attend the wedding but we were expected to attend for various reasons I won't post I case it "outs" me and not only that the Bride insisted it was to be an overnight stay at a really remote hotel because they had dream plans for a breakfast the following day. I had suggested i could attend part (as it was my family) but when my DD needed me in the evening is swap and my DH could go for the evening. But no it wasn't good enough. Now I didn't want an invite for the children AT ALL because who wouldn't want a few hours child free if you are offered it!

Anyway in the end we had to pay a close friend to come from 300 miles for the weekend to mind the kids (they were more than happy to) so we managed to attend... Only to find half of the Brides family had their children with them (similar ages to my children!) at the wedding and said children were openly invited. Needless to say never again will I be made to feel bad for standing my ground!!!

I don't mind child free weddings and think they are a great idea but I think Bride and Groom ABVU to expect atrendance if the parents choose not to/ are actually unable to attend!

mrshuggybear · 30/08/2016 18:18

Just to add if she really wants the parents there invite the child too, there will be plenty of family around to help. If she doesn't invite the baby then she takes the chance that the parents won't come-and I wouldn't. My baby comes first every time xx

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2016 18:19

I've been to both recently & enjoyed them both for different reasons. It's their wedding & they call the shots. Good luck to them

RaspberryOverload · 30/08/2016 18:23

Idliketobeabutterfly Tue 30-Aug-16 18:05:52

Why can she not express and freeze some?

Because not everyone can. I certainly was never able to express much despite being able to bf both DCs.

OP, I think in this case your friend should just let the matter drop. She's offered for the baby to come, and the cousin should accept that older children aren't invited. If the cousin persists, I think the groom should call up and explain it's a joint decision and final.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 30/08/2016 18:32

Fair enough. i had to do both bottle and breast as son was failure to thrive and expressing was a PITA so can totally understand.

Tapandgo · 30/08/2016 18:50

Bride and Groom should have what they want on their special day. Accept some guests might decline. I can understand ( and would prefer) a child free wedding as kids running around are a pain for everybody. ( recently attended an event were kids were hyper at being up so late and many folks got drinks knocked out their hands by children running around as children do. ( their parents thought their kids were 'cute' and a quick 'soz' to guests with alcohol soaked clothes appeared to suffice).
Babes in arms don't run around, so no problem.
Your friends should enjoy their day the way they want and live with the 'fall out' . ( interesting to find out what type of weddings these complaining guests had)

mrshuggybear · 30/08/2016 18:51

Ha ha ha to express and freeze some is much more complicated. It can interrupt supply and disrupt an important breastfeeding relationship if not done carefully-she will need to express over a number of weeks at least. And during the actual day regularly. It can be done but it isn't as easy as oh I am just going to express some, plus some EBF babies just won't take bottles.

Workingmum34 · 30/08/2016 19:02

I took my DD to a childfree wedding when she was 8 weeks old as I was breastfeeding. We left out DS who was 2 with my sister and spoke to the bride and groom beforehand and they said it was ok - basically we took her or couldn't go. We did make sure that she was taken away if she cried during any key parts (service, speeches etc) so that she wasn't heard. Depends on whether you want the cousin there or not!

IonaNE · 30/08/2016 19:14

However I find it really sad worrying about a baby crying in the ceremony- that's life
Well, maybe the bride and groom would like "life" without a baby screaming (since life is possible without that, too), especially when pronouncing their vows?

If it's a childfree wedding, I can't see why newborns should be an exception. People want childfree weddings because children are disruptive: babies by crying, older ones in different ways. And no, parents often will not take crying babies out of church services, because they feel then they (the parents) miss out. (Never mind everyone else having to listen to their baby screaming...)

Tigermehhhhm · 30/08/2016 19:15

I've been to a few child free weddings and dutifully left my children at home only to get there and find that people had asked to bring their kids and had their requests accepted. I have spent the day watching others kids run around, missing my kids and the feeling resentful. I really don't mind child free weddings but I think it does have to be a blanket rule and if people can't come because of childcare issues, they just can't come.