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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child-free wedding

296 replies

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:17

Posting on behalf of my best friend as she doesn't have an account I hope that's OK.

My best friend is getting married in March and she and her fiancé want a child free wedding. They don't have children themselves and not loads of close family with young children. The wedding is in the city where they live but they have some family travelling from further afield (Manchester, wedding in South East.) After this decision was made the bride's cousin announced his wife is pregnant and due to give birth in December so baby will be very young at the time of the wedding.

The couple plus brides aunt (cousin's mother) are putting pressure on bride and groom to allow the couple to bring their young baby. Other family members are getting i olives saying cousin and wine won't be able to attend without the baby. My friend and her fiancé are very stressed about this as they want the cousin and his wife to be present but they have already told others it's a child free wedding and it's going to be quite a formal affair and they personally want it to be just adults.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Postchildrenpregranny · 30/08/2016 22:58

Here here breadwidow Our posts crossed
That's exactly it .Perfect, choregraphed to the hilt and a little bit joyless
DD 1 has been to three weddings this summer .She says the most fun bits were dancing with the various children attending. I have a lovely pic of her dancing with a friend' s enchanting five year old daughter at a wedding last summer.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 23:05

Ah yes. All those people dancing, drinking, having fun... Joyless...

If I were to get married I would have to ban children because, although there are only four in the entire extended family, and three are lovely, one is an absolute little shit and I can guarantee that nobody would have much fun with her there!

m0therofdragons · 30/08/2016 23:08

My 3 dc were bridesmaids at 2 weddings in the last 12 months. The first a fairly traditional style affair. We had colouring out on the table for them during the speeches but they didn't scream or whine once (one 7yo and two 4yos). The 18 yo on the table whinged through the whole thing - wouldn't go outside for the photos as it was cold (he was in a leather jacket whereas bridesmaids were in little sleaveless dresses with tiny cardigans and coped (although perhaps it was the hyperthermia keeping them quiet). 18yo also moaned about the food not being to his taste (it was roast beef) and asked for no gravy but some ketchup. My dc ate what they were given. There were a few other dc too and a 6mo baby - hardly made a noise, any of them.
Second wedding had 11 bridesmaids with the oldest being 8. Reception was just a sit down 3 course meal in a posh restaurant with other diners at nearby tables. Again, they all sat and ate their meals nicely.
Maybe I've missed all these rude dc at weddings.

Mrsmummyof1 · 30/08/2016 23:09

These posters above just don't get it! It's not your wedding so your preference is irrelevant! And you are all biased because you have kids and you like kids. The people getting married may not have them and, rightly or wrongly in your eyes, don't want them at their wedding, end of.

Crikeyme · 30/08/2016 23:14

Breadwidow and Postchildren, it may just be that while the B&G would be happy to have kids at the wedding if they had an unlimited budget or capacity, sadly it's not within their capabilities. Every venue has a limit to how many people it can accommodate, whether they are paid for (eg kids over 12 at usually about half the adult price) or not (eg kids under 12). If your venue has a capacity of 100, and you have a large family/circle of friends, with maybe 15-20 children, that may well mean that you can't invite one couple because it comes down to them or your second cousin's two children who you've never met but your parents insist on inviting because they're paying... Not everyone has complete financial control over their wedding; not everyone can afford a venue that fits 250 people; and not everyone wants to cause unpleasantness among friends and family by inviting some selected children but not all. It's a tricky situation and I think the cousin is being unreasonable by wanting special treatment for their 3yo. Quite possibly the B&G would love to have everyone's kids but just can't do it.

FrancisCrawford · 30/08/2016 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacquettaWoodville · 30/08/2016 23:22

Yy crikeyme - most people can't invite everyone they'd like because of venue capacity!

PurplePenguins · 30/08/2016 23:34

Up to the B&G but my cousin (my mum and her dad are siblings) did similar. No children except her 5yo bridesmaid (cousin on her mum's side) and a 2 cousins (her mum's other sister's children). No other children and that included mine so I couldn't go. It caused enormous amount of ill feeling especially as my eldest was older than the other 3 cousins and my youngest was 4 months. I could have left the older three with my dad's sister but I wasnt going to leave a four month old bf baby so I didn't go. My cousin thought I should have done. I've not seen her since. 19 years ago.

Tallulahoola · 30/08/2016 23:35

Call me old fashioned but I really don't 'get'why people have child free weddings. .Surely it's about joining two families?Including all generations

Er, for you maybe. For us it was about having friends and family there to celebrate us getting married with a big party. We had 120 guests, most of them friends (my family is tiny). If we'd allowed all of them to bring their kids there would have been at least 30 extra people to pay for (we got married in our late 30s so most of our friends had kids by then). We didn't want a "manicured" wedding, in fact we wanted the opposite - a party where everyone could get very drunk late into the night, which isn't possible when looking after kids.

Also, now I have kids I like kids. Even other people's some of the time But before I had them? Didn't really like or understand them, so the idea of having them there held no appeal.

Tallulahoola · 30/08/2016 23:36

Should have added that we would of course have allowed babes in arms, had anybody had one at the time.

BrollySmolly · 30/08/2016 23:46

The bride and groom ABU

Newborn / tiny babies should be able to attend child-free weddings.

SandyY2K · 30/08/2016 23:52

I know this isn't what the bridge and groom are doing, but my Dsis invited children, but they were seated in their own area at the Reception, away from the main area and she arranged childcare via an agency to supervise the kids and hired a children's entertainer for some of the time.

She was fine with kids in the church, as most people control their kids in church anyway. What she didn't want, was childten running around during the reception. Babes in arms were allowed.

It's an additional expense indeed, but she got married in another City in the UK (our hometown) and most of the guests were coming from London. Bearing in mind the guests were already forking out the transport money and at least one night in a hotel, she felt it was unreasonable for them to leave their children behind, perhaps at further expense.

BrollySmolly · 30/08/2016 23:53

The chances are the bride and groom won't even notice the 3 month old baby - it won't be running around the place or needing a meal paid for - tiny babies that age sleep a lot too!
They should just allow the baby and forget about it!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 23:54

Yes because it's not like babies scream at all is it? Oh wait....

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 23:56

Plus cousinzilla wants to bring the older child too so they are just taking the piss now. I'm sure the bride and groom won't really notice the absence of the cousin and their children, and the cousin can take the family off somewhere more conducive to small children. Win/win

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/08/2016 23:58

Of course it's possible that entitled arses like that will bring their children anyway so probably best to withdraw the invitation to be on the safe side Grin

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/08/2016 00:00

But it's not really about tiny babies any more is it?

Possibly against their better judgment the B&G have said to bring the baby and that's still not enough Now the cousin wants to bring the sibling ... oh and her sister now thinks the exception should apply to her older child too

Call me obtuse but the whole thing just defeats me - whatever happened to accepting an invitation in all its parts or just politely declining?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 31/08/2016 00:08

Exactly puzzled

The bride and groom can invite anyone they want - if an invitee doesn't like that their child isn't invited too, they can fuck off and save the newlyweds some money

m0therofdragons · 31/08/2016 07:45

Maybe, just maybe, as much as bride and grooms want child free weddings they need to appreciate that:
1, organising childcare for a couple of hours to go to the cinema is hard enough so finding someone you are happy with to look after a dc all day (possibly overnight) is very hard for many parents. We turned down the last child free wedding for this reason - it was a family wedding so all possible childcare was going to be at the wedding.
2, we like our dc and, as much as we want to celebrate with you I find it odd that 2 families coming together eliminates the dc.

That said, weddings are expensive. As a friend I wouldn't expect my dc to be invited but as family I would have been put in a horrible position choosing between dc and the wedding of a close relative. Why you would exclude your niece or nephew is beyond me. I get that people disagree with me and that's fine. I know I would have been really upset if my db had done this. Dd would have been 8 months and I didn't have anyone other than my dm who I could leave her with so I would have missed his wedding.
I'm not totally against child free weddings but each couple needs to think about who their guests are and who they really want there.

m0therofdragons · 31/08/2016 07:48

You've just had a baby and you are working hard to juggle and not let older do feel left out but then you're expected to split your family up? Nope my dc's emotional health trumps some ridiculous wedding. But then I would just have declined the invite as it's clear the bride and groom haven't got a clue and don't want kids there.

civilfawlty · 31/08/2016 07:54

Completely agree with Lovedromhull. The two positions cannot be resolved, and it is the B&G's prerogative to organise their wedding how they want. But this notion of perfection, of silent reverence, is so absurd and controlling and sanitised. Heaven forbid anyone has a cold and coughs or sneezes during the ceremony...

Limitededition7inch · 31/08/2016 08:00

I know I'll get flamed for this, but having been to many weddings (including my own mostly child free one) it seems that there isn't really an ideal age for children at weddings. They either don't understand the day, get tired very easily or are completely bored out of their minds. This becomes even more noticeable if they don't know any other children there. Based on our own experience, even older children (we made an exception for three close relatives aged 16, 13 and 11) don't get it; the children who I refer to at our wedding spent most of the day up in their room in the hotel and fussed about choice of food. It did make me secretly wonder whether or not they had actually cared about being there.

I get that not everyone can afford or get childcare but I would always leave the children at home even if B&G didn't mind them being there and, if childcare impossible, just wouldn't go. I dont think they're an enjoyable day for kids and I've also never seen a totally relaxed parent at a wedding.

Limitededition7inch · 31/08/2016 08:03

^ We also didn't have any friends or family with babies in arms, and would have allowed them, but I do know from experience at other weddings how annoying it is when a baby is crying during the vows or a reading and the parent simply won't take them out.

Mrsmummyof1 · 31/08/2016 08:22

@M0therofdragons - and of course YOUR needs with regards to organising childcare and wanting to celebrate with your dc trumps the wishes of the bride and groom on the most special day of their lives. Hmmmm.......🤔

AppleSetsSail · 31/08/2016 08:29

It's fine to have a child-free wedding, I have no idea why a guest would pressure the B&G to accept their baby or feel pressure to leave their baby at home. Most people can navigate these situations with no drama in real life.