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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - OH messaging girl nearly every day

54 replies

TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 01:36

My OH came home from a 'social drink' (night out) with his friends tonight about midnight and about 15 minutes ago he woke up and went to the bathroom to throw up (doesn't happen that often but fucks me off when he does it, he's not a teenager anymore - he's 42).

His phone flashed up so looked thinking who the hell is this at gone 1am and it was this girl that I've had problems with him messaging before. Said before that I'm reading too much into it etc and they're just good friends yada yada yada.

While he's huddled over the toilet I decide to have a look at this inbox thread and he appears to message her almost every single day and while it normally is every day conversation the fact that it's more often than I thought has really pissed me off now.

The nail on the coffin was the message that he sent her when he was out tonight - 'you looked hot behind the bar' (she works in the one pub they go to).

We've had problems in the past to do with trust issues but I thought that was behind us, it was in the first few years of our relationship when it started 10 years ago and I had started to trust him again but there was always something niggling in my mind that he messages other girls and doesn't mention it.

I don't think he's actually cheating but surely messaging 'a friend' almost every day and saying stuff like you looked hot behind the bar is unacceptable?

OP posts:
paddlingpool · 29/08/2016 01:39

Yes it is unreasonable

Lessthanaballpark · 29/08/2016 01:40

Of course your DH IBU.

Willow33 · 29/08/2016 01:41

YANBU but your OH is. Flirting like that everyday does suggest him wanting something more. I think you will need to talk to him about this when is sober.

Original poster
TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 01:43

The problem is when I mention stuff I've found on his phone or wherever he always brushes it away and makes me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm 13 years younger than him and we have two young kids together Sad

OP posts:
laurenandsophie · 29/08/2016 01:44

Omg yanbu. I would hit the roof if my DH had msgd that to a girl we'd had issues over before. I hope you let rip.
Or maybe you could rename his mother in his phone to the girl's name, so his mum gets his inappropriate msgs and asks him wth he's msging like that to someone else apart from you?

AverageGayLad · 29/08/2016 01:44

Him saying that to her is totally unreasonable, even if he means no harm he knows how you feel about it.

However, texting someone else every day and it being a mundane conversation - Nothing wrong with that. He probably doesn't tell you, even if nothing is going on, cause of how you'll react. That isn't a bad reflection on you though Flowers

Original poster
TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 01:50

Laurenandsophie he messages her on messenger and his mother doesn't have any high tech stuff like Facebook - only texting and phone so that won't work! It's not so much the mundane conversation that bothers me, it's the fact that it's nearly every single day. Most evenings when he comes home from work (if he comes home, he's a long distance lorry driver) or on the weekend he'll sit on his phone constantly, ignores the kids (I have to tell him that they're talking to him sometimes as he's not listening) and seems to be messaging people. When I ask in a normal way who he's messaging it's always a male friend according to him. Agreed it's probably because of how I'd react but I react like that due to things like this that have happened in the past. He was my first proper bf and I never had jealousy issues before.

OP posts:
Frockingst · 29/08/2016 01:51

oh dear. Sorry OP. It doesn't sound good.

ilovelamp82 · 29/08/2016 01:52

Messaging a friend every day I would be fine with. Telling her she looked hot. I would not be ok with. If he's so drunk he's throwing up and there aren't any other flirty messages, I think I woulf take some solace in that.

If you're relationship is good other than this then I would just confront him and say "I've told you I'm uncomfortable with you messaging this girl but you are an adult and can make your own decisions but whilst in a partnership with me, flirty compliments with other women shows a complete lack of respect and you won't tolerate it"

How would he feel to find text messages on your phone to other men telling them they look hot? Not happy I guess.

That being said if you've always had niggling doubts for 10 years with him, that doesn't sound like a great position to be in and you need to really decide what you want for yourself in your relationship. I believe the most important elements to a relationship are trust, respect and communication. Without one or more of these I wouldn't settle for.

laurenandsophie · 29/08/2016 01:53

Temperance, he sounds way too absorbed in his texting. This is how teenagers act, not parents.

Original poster
TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 02:01

Lamp - I've asked him that question many times before, how would he feel if it was me sending other guys messages like that and he always avoids answering.

I'm not happy to be honest, he can be a lovely man but he's a waste of space as a father to be completely honest, he's not one bit interested in his kids and has no patience with them and if I didn't live so far from my parents and have the kids settled in school up here I think I would have left long before now. I also have commitments up here myself and could not afford to leave due to being a full time student at the moment. I feel really sad for the kids as I grew up with a dad who wasn't interested in us and I know it hurts them like it used to hurt me but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment.

And talking to him about it does nothing either, no matter how many times I try Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 02:05

And he's also incredibly selfish and spiteful at times. I agreed to work today (for extra money on top of my paltry student finance) and after a really tough demanding 12.5 hour shift instead of staying home to help me sort the kids out he tells me about 5pm that he's going out at 7pm (I was finishing at 7:30) so he dumps the kids on his parents (as usual) and knowing how tired I am when I get home from a shift he gives zero fucks about me at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 02:08

Sorry that last sentence was awful - knowing how tired I am when I get home from a long shift yet he does not care at all.

OP posts:
ImissGrannyW · 29/08/2016 02:43

There are some big red flags here = not interested in the children (he made), not supporting you.

MN will call for you to LTB.

That's an option.

You need to think about what you want from your OH, what he can realistically provide. What your 'lines in the ground' are (and be prepared to stick to them).
RE his messaging another woman. What's his relationship like with you when he is around? Is he attentive? (sorry to intrude, but) are you sexually and emotionally satisfied? What is working for you as a woman, as a mother, as a partner? What isn't?

Answer these questions in your head and then think about how to move on. Good luck!

MillionToOneChances · 29/08/2016 03:57

Could I just clarify - he's 42, you're 13 years younger and you had trust issues in your relationship when it started ten years ago? How old is this other girl?

I don't think texting a friend daily is an issue in itself. Telling her she looks hot and giving zero fucks about you is a major issue.

blinkowl · 29/08/2016 07:54

Sorry but I do think texting someone every day could well be a problem if it's an emotional affair / the beginning of a physical affair / signs of an existing affair.

Ignoring you while he messages people - and you now know it's probably this woman at least some of the time and he's lied about it - is also not good.

What did the other messages say? We're there any other ones along the lines of the "you looked hot" one?

blinkowl · 29/08/2016 07:54

Were not we're! Stupid phone!

Penfold007 · 29/08/2016 08:07

He checked out of your relationship and parenting a long time ago. What do you want to do?

Crisscrosscranky · 29/08/2016 08:16

You get my first ever LTB.

A relationship is nothing without trust and you don't trust him (with very good reasons). Leave him before your mental health suffers even more than it already has.

MilkshakeMonkey · 29/08/2016 08:19

So you did an extra shift to earn more money and he went to the pub and spent enough money to get drunk to the level of vomitting???

That message is not appropriate from a married man. What were the others like?

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/08/2016 08:20

Texting a girl he thinks is hot every day is wrong

He may not be cheating /unfaithful yet ...,. But there's intent

He shows little respect for you or your kids

LindyHemming · 29/08/2016 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewredfairy · 29/08/2016 08:30

I'd be questioning what he brings to the table in your relationship. Then I'd look at that small offering and dump his bags at the pub.

YvaineStormhold · 29/08/2016 08:32

Nope. I would not stand for DP telling another woman she 'looked hot' unless she was sitting beside a roaring fire wearing a snowsuit and wrapped in a duvet.

Not appropriate, disrespectful to you, way over the line and I'd chuck him for it.

rachel70j · 29/08/2016 08:44

I'd curse DH on an eternal bursting in hell if he texts bartender bitches everyday and "looked hot behind the bar"?!?!?!!!. Like HELLO, WIFE AND WOMAN NUMBA 1 OVER HERE!!! Really sorry you have to go through this OP Flowers Go make some obvious flirt with a hot 27yo boy and let's see how your OH likes it.

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