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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - OH messaging girl nearly every day

54 replies

TemperanceBrennan · 29/08/2016 01:36

My OH came home from a 'social drink' (night out) with his friends tonight about midnight and about 15 minutes ago he woke up and went to the bathroom to throw up (doesn't happen that often but fucks me off when he does it, he's not a teenager anymore - he's 42).

His phone flashed up so looked thinking who the hell is this at gone 1am and it was this girl that I've had problems with him messaging before. Said before that I'm reading too much into it etc and they're just good friends yada yada yada.

While he's huddled over the toilet I decide to have a look at this inbox thread and he appears to message her almost every single day and while it normally is every day conversation the fact that it's more often than I thought has really pissed me off now.

The nail on the coffin was the message that he sent her when he was out tonight - 'you looked hot behind the bar' (she works in the one pub they go to).

We've had problems in the past to do with trust issues but I thought that was behind us, it was in the first few years of our relationship when it started 10 years ago and I had started to trust him again but there was always something niggling in my mind that he messages other girls and doesn't mention it.

I don't think he's actually cheating but surely messaging 'a friend' almost every day and saying stuff like you looked hot behind the bar is unacceptable?

OP posts:

bakeoffcake · 29/08/2016 08:47

He sounds absolutely useless as a H and father. You and your children deserve a better life.

You should be moving back to be near your parents. How long have you got to go with your course?

TheNaze73 · 29/08/2016 08:50

He sounds like he's emotionally checked out. His behaviour is disgusting

CombineBananaFister · 29/08/2016 08:52

I don't think his behaviour is acceptable at all, its not just the 'hot' remark its the txting at the expense of engaging with the children, almost like they are an inconvenience even though he works away so you'd think he 'd miss them. Its not caring whether you're knacked and pissing the extra money away. It's just a general lack of respect. Yanbu at all.

magoria · 29/08/2016 08:55

After tax etc how much did you earn?

How much did he spend at the pub flirting with hot girls before coming home and throwing up after dumping your kids elsewhere?

So how much did you slog your guts out for a 12.5 hour shift for?

He is a shit father.

He is a shit husband.

He checked out of your family and relationship a while back.

I don't see anything to save or worth it.

Sorry.

Dozer · 29/08/2016 08:59

LTB. You didn't have "trust issues" you had and still have a DP you can't and shouldn't trust. And a crap parent and partner to boot.

Trifleorbust · 29/08/2016 09:00

Just that one text is enough from my perspective - if my husband did that, I would know it was his intention to at least start sexting someone, even if he wasn't trying to sleep with her (which he probably is).

SignoraStronza · 29/08/2016 09:03

rachel70j 'Bartender bitches?'
We're not maneating jezebels you know.
In fact, I'd be really irritated if a customer was messaging me all the time and so would my much younger colleagues. We're polite, friendly and professional, but not on the pull.
Op, your dh sounds inherrently selfish. What's he like when you're ill or c there's an emergency? Does he pull his weight then?

Petal40 · 29/08/2016 09:14

Bide yr time untill yr in a position to leave him....things might improve in the meantime..I've got a leaving fund for that very purpose.any money I get for myself goes into it..probably won't ever use it ,but it's comforting to know it's there

Stellabystarlight · 29/08/2016 09:16

The text thing is bad enough, but the rest of his attitude and behaviour shows a complete lack of respect. As a snapshot of your relationship I would say you should definitely consider L(ing)TB. Only you know if there's a chance of getting this out in the open and him changing his behaviour. I'm sorry you're living with this

SomedayBaby · 29/08/2016 09:17

I'd be really irritated if a customer was messaging me all the time and so would my much younger colleagues. We're polite, friendly and professional, but not on the pull

In that case, i'd assume you wouldn't be giving your number out to start with though?

toptoe · 29/08/2016 09:17

I also doubt the bargirl wants his messages. He sounds a bit deluded.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 29/08/2016 09:20

You don't have trust issues he has fidelity issues! Don't let him act like this is nothing, it's unacceptable.

toptoe · 29/08/2016 09:22

And she probably rues the day she gave out her no. or accepted his whatsapp/friends request. She might be a bit naive, but she won't be making that mistake again. There is a chance she fancies him, but from what you've said about him it's unlikely (she'll be watching him get pissed etc)

Bagina · 29/08/2016 09:25

How long's left of your course? Finish that and move back to your family. Sounds like you get nothing from him anyway.

Petal40 · 29/08/2016 09:28

It will be more telling the replies she gives.rather than what he says....is she replying with one word answers suggesting she's fed up with him or is she instigating it?... My guess would be she she's him as a customer to be polite to,and wished he didn't have her number..

Pisssssedofff · 29/08/2016 09:31

You're so young, dump this twat now whilst you're in the prime of your life and you'll be happy with a nice man who deserves you before you know it x

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 29/08/2016 09:34

Actually op you can leave if you can be arsed - or kick him out.

He is dong this because you let him walk all over you.

He is telling other women they look hot while your at home run ragged. That's nice. I bet he was letching over her while she was serving other people.

He is spending time with you whilst messaging other women. You need to get some self esteem and respect back. If you don't even respect yourself why the fuck should he?

This wouldnt even be up for discussion now, this morning his bags would be packed and he would be out the fucking door. He is cheating on you. He is disrespecting you every time he messages this 'friend' because he knows there is a issue around her.

It doesn't really matter if she is engaging with him or not, he is constantly fishing.

Please do not do what my cousin did. Spent 20 years looking the other way when her dick head ex messaged other women, fishing and god knows what else - to finally catch him kidding one of her mates in their own fucking garden. 20 years of him taking the piss made him in to an entitled bastard who thought he could get away with anything because she didn't want to 'break the family up'

WamBamThankYouMaam · 29/08/2016 09:38

As much as he sounds a waste of space, I don't think going out on bank holiday weekend is a big deal. I don't think someone chucking up on a rare occasion through drink is a huge deal. I don't think texting a friend daily is a big deal.

I'm a massive flirt. I do it all the time. And I'd never say to someone that they looked hot behind the bar, I'd just say they looked hot, or they looked hot in whatever it was they were wearing. It absolutely reads to me as him saying she looked hot temperature wise, but as I say it's because I flirt all the time and couldn't ever imagine me or anyone I flirt with saying that.

The not being around for the kids is crap. And you're enabling it by allowing him to spend his evenings engrossed in his phone.

Neither of you sound happy, so why bother?

DianaMitford · 29/08/2016 09:49

Like someone else said - this is my first ever:

LTB.

You deserve more. He is walking all over you. He might need a wake up call or that might not be enough. But what you do need to do is tell him his behaviour is absolutely not on - across the board. Start saving to leave him. You will be happier.

Discobabe · 29/08/2016 10:00

Yanbu. He shouldn't be flirting with her or texting her every day. It IS a big deal, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. They' probably the ones that behave inappropriately and try and brush it off as innocent too.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 10:44

I am sorry op, but it looks like he has emotionally checked out of your relationship a while back. Even though he might not be having sex with her, his mind is elsewhere. I you don't have trust issues, you have dh issues, he is a rubbish partner and father, you could do much better.

AVY1 · 29/08/2016 10:47

YANBU. Even if it was innocent, as your partner if he knows it hurts you or makes you uncomfortable he would stop it.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 10:59

That message that the girl behind the bar looks hot, is enough, he is flirting, he is not emotionally with you anymore.

caffelatte100 · 29/08/2016 11:18

It is probably really hard for you to read all these posts OP. It's not acceptable what your DP is doing.

Hope that you are ok this morning….

Flappyhat · 29/08/2016 11:29

OP He doesn't like you and he doesn't respect you. You are worth more than this. Hope you realise this soon and get out asap.

Sorry to be blunt but it is what it is.

to you

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