I snooped but

[weeyin411]

Ok so my sons mobile was on charge I picked it up and checked to see if it was full...but when I clicked his messenger was open and I was nosey. I read it now what do I do. He's talking to a friend who says some girl says she kissed him (my son) which he is saying she's lying now, the problem is the language he was using is not how he's allowed to talk. He's also called her a few names rhymes with bore ....few other things. What's even worse is this friend has screenshot what he said and apparently shown the girl.

AIBU to go mad at him for this? It's what I want to do.

Genuine question. Those of you not monitoring their 12 year old (or similar aged) children activity on social media etc., are you unaware of the the situations that can, and do, escalate very quickly with messaging/instagram etc or do you think children that age are equipped to deal with it themselves?

I was totally genuinely shocked by some of the behaviour I've witnessed online.

Ií don't think you should go mad at him (because then he won't really listen, he'll just think oh mum's gone off on one!) , but I do think you need to have a good long talk about having respect for other people, and woman-hating language being unacceptable. He's at a crucial time in his life for making mistakes socially, and learning from them. This is good opportunity for that. Ask questions like WHY is he using such language about her, what affect does he think this will have on her, how can he make it better.

As for the snooping, all parents should monitor their 12 year olds' phone, Internet use etc. Invasion of privacy me hole!

He is 12. The only way I would allow a 12 yo to have access to messenger etc is if they knew I would check. Id have that app that sends everything to my phone too. I'm a teacher and I see far too much damage done by the Internet. I work in a small, very middle class upper school in a lovely area with good kids and supportive families. We have at least 15 cases of serious internet based issues per year which include cases of grooming, severe bullying, using the internet as a tool to enable self harm, eating disorders and attempted suicide, blackmail, unsolicited sexual images and videos. The list goes on. Kids have secret lives online and that is truly scary. Close monitoring of their online activities until they become old enough to handle them is essential. Your son needs to learn how to handle this situation with the girl and you can help with that. The language isn't appropriate and that does need addressing. But, so does this unwanted attention from this girl. If she is lying, that is really serious. I had a much younger girl in my class lie about kissing a year 11 boy. It was a lie, proved and eventually sorted with the support of her parents, but not before the year 11 boy had been assaulted by some older teenagers who decided he was a 'peado'. And attacked him at the school gates. If you manage to help your son and support him, next time he will come to you rather than try and sort such issues himself. Stay calm but be open and honest with your son. Contact the school too. This very helpful 'friend' who is screen shoting messages is stirring the pot and your boy is going to have a difficult start to the year.

You think a 12 year old has an absolute right to privacy on his phone? Really?

Everyone has a right to privacy. I never checked my kids phones and messages, wouldn't of dreamt of doing so either.

Blimey OP. either you are in another country or you were up very late worrying about this!

Have you spoken to him yet?

I'd go as far as to say not checking on a child's messages is verging on neglectful and just plain stupid tbh.

Jesus my 16 year old has the right to privacy, any younger than that it is neglectful to not be monitoring what goes on in their social lives and their heads. I ask the 16 year old regularly if we "need to talk". She knows she can show me what she likes, but I may not be happy about it

No it is not neglectful. It is just a different approach.

No it is not neglectful. It is just a different approach.

Stupid at best, neglectful at worst.

I think it's pretty neglectful actually.

I would say this is an excellent opportunity to have a very open, honest, but CALM conversation about trust. You must be honest about how you came to see the messages, apologise for the manner in which you did it, however, use it then to explain why it's important that you discuss and agree guidelines and rules regarding supervision/checking of his phone. You can then discuss trust further - eg. if he wants you to trust him with the phone, he has to build up that trust by showing he can be trustworthy with it. Talk about how if he wants friends, future girlfriends etc... to trust him, he has to behave respectfully towards them etc.

You can do all this in a calm manner, talk about use of language, ask him what he feels is appropriate etc... get his views on it and talk to him like an adult.

Yes he's only 12 and yes you have a right to check his phone and monitor his online activity etc. The difference is in how you approach it; if you go in shouting and laying down rules in a draconian manner, you are likely to meet resistance, and he will become more secretive and less likely to have open discussions with you. If, on the other hand, you involve him in agreeing guidelines and rules, and invite him to have open discussions with you about it, that will give him a greater sense of responsibility and maturity about it. Ask his thoughts and views and invite him to make suggestions about how to go forward.

The important thing, I'd say, is to make sure he feels he can come to you and talk to you about ANYTHING he is concerned about or is unsure about without you flying off the handle. When I was growing up I didn't feel able to talk to my mum about anything because of her attitude, closed mind and her way of turning everything into a major drama. To this day, we do not have a close relationship and I'd go so far to say that she barely knows me because I could never be open and honest with her. I couldn't tell her anything, however minor, without her going crazy and overreacting.

So with this, I'd be inclined to say that yes, ground rules need to be in place, but don't go mad, remain calm and try to involve him in taking responsibility for his online conduct, his behaviour with his friends, this girl etc... his language, understanding how things can get out of hand online.

Finally - be prepared for him going mad when you tell him about reading his messages. I'd suggest allowing him time to calm down before you attempt a proper conversation. He's unlikely to hear you properly if he's angry. Everyone needs time to process things and calm down before being expected to act reasonably.

When my DD is old enough for a phone, she will absolutely know that all her messages will be streamed through my media so that I can read them and that I will check her phone whenever I please. It will be a condition of ownership. I will be paying the bills after all.

I honestly can't believe the posters who are saying they don't monitor their children's online activity.
They surely either don't have children of this age or they're demonstrating some piss poor parenting!

Schools actively encourage parents to monitor their children and check messages and social media sites.

Both of my children knew they had to give me their passwords and that I could, and would, check them occasionally.
DS is now 16 and I agree, he deserves privacy now and I wouldn't look at his phone but DD is 11 and just accepts that it's in her best interest to monitor her to keep her safe.
You need to talk to your DS OP and tell him his language is unacceptable. He probably doesn't even know what it means.

YANBU

A 12 year old is a child. It is your responsibility to ensure your child is safe, and behaving responsibly whilst using phones/social media etc.

In your situation I would tell him that I read the messages and calmly discuss the situation with the girl, and his use of misogynistic language. I would also check how he is feeling about the girl lying about him and offer to support him if he wants to challenge her. I'd remind him that once he has sent/posted anything it has become public and that there is no such thing as a private message because as his 'friend' demonstrated - everything can be shared. Be on his side but challenge his language and the 'slut-shaming'. I'd also mention that periodically you will be checking his messages and this is part of the terms of him having a phone.

so yore ok nevaes to not know who your kids are engaging with online?

I'd go as far as to say not checking on a child's messages is verging on neglectful and just plain stupid tbh.

Completely agree. 'Different approach' my arse, I think it's lazy at best or people think their little darling couldn't possibly be involved in anything untoward. It's very easy for children to get caught up in things that snowball horribly. Sadly, it seems some parents really either can't be bothered to find out or just don't care.

No need for aggression Whatamess. What is your issue?

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2562890/BREAKING-NEWS-Son-14-oil-millionaire-murdered-man-groomed-computer-games.html

This is why I will continuously monitor my child's phone/social media.

The head teacher at my son's school once told us parents to imagine that the internet was a place where every kind of person could gather - a pub or a nightclub for example. She then asked "Would you allow your child to go there alone?"

OP - you have not invaded your son's privacy. Nothing online should be private at aged 12.

You're quite within your rights to pull him up on it. In my experience, the language and attitudes of 12 / 13 year olds on instagram etc. is absolutely terrible; cunts, whores, blow jobs, variations on a theme and the like are all common words that I've seen when checking my DCs messages (not necessarily written by my DC but in 'conversations' they've been in).

I recently had cause to insist my DS send an apology to someone for what he had written - even though it was the context of 'conversational banter' I was disgusted with him.

My rule is - I pay for the phones, I am responsible for both your online safety and general development; therefore I will check the phones as and when. I'm not really interested in general rubbishy stuff but I will keep an eye on them and pull them up on extremes and/or weird stuff, and anyone who says you have invaded your 12 year olds privacy needs their head checking.

No need for aggression Whatamess. What is your issue?

I think we have very different ideas of what aggression is Nishky. What aggressive language do you see in my posts? Perhaps you are offended by the word 'arse' in my post? You may not agree with me and you're quite within your rights to do so, I am also quite entitled to put forth my thoughts on the subject of the thread.

That is a very sad and chilling case. However that mum did monitor and tried to notify the police- you are using her as an example of neglectful and piss poor parenting then?

We clearly do -it's 'my arse!' That you used after quoting my post. Don't know if your user name is a clue but you seem to have a problem

Nishky, the irony of you trying to find something where it's not, making a personal accusation etc., given the subject of this thread, is not lost on me at all.

I am glad.

everyone has a right to privacy, ha! So sorry officer, I had no ide my child accidentally accessed those sites - you see, I respect his absolute right to privacy as should you.

The work email analogy is spot on. If you write something embarrassing and private using your work email, you can't go shouting to your boss about your right to privacy.

Not at all Nishky. It was more an example of online predatory behaviour than an example of piss poor parenting. In fact, I think that if you read back on both of my posts you will see that at no point did I accuse anyone of piss poor or neglectful parenting. It's not really in my nature to judge other parents - I suspect we are all trying our best. I did however state my opinions and what I would do in the OP's position.