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AIBU?

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Original poster

Taking my boy in the ladies toilet...

1001 replies

40andfucked · 28/08/2016 19:53

So we were in a busy sports pub full of very happy (several drunk) people after a great win. My son needed the loo so I took him to the ladies with me. I was told by a very stroppy barmaid who happened to be in there that she wanted him out.
I said I didn't feel comfortable him going to the men's, she said well he's not coming in here. I said I don't want him in the men's alone. She said 'well go in there with him then'! So u did!
He's 10. Normally I'd send him in the men's, but not in a pub full of drunk strangers. I know some may think I've very over protective, but it really wouldn't have hurt her to just let him go for a quick were!!

OP posts:

Sirzy · 29/08/2016 07:08

I don't think anyone would have a problem with a 5 year old in the ladies.

The reasons for not sending a 10 year old - assuming no SN - all seem daft and rather hysterical though and are doing no favours to the child let alone anything else!

FreshHorizons · 29/08/2016 07:11

I think that it the boys who would feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed and some mothers on here just don't seem to care!
It is very lazy parenting to do what suits you and ignore the feelings of the child.
I was a single parent with a son and I had to get a male friend to take him into the men's toilet so that he knew what they were like when he had to go himself. There is absolutely no way that I would have got him in the ladies with me at 10yrs old. You would like to think that boys would get a mind of their own by that age.
You have to to let them learn age appropriate independence, as Natsku says. At 10 yrs they simply couldn't go into a ladies toilet on their own - they would be challenged. The only reason that they don't get challenged is that you are with them and people assume there must be hidden special needs.
Being a parent isn't easy. Having an authoritarian mother who won't let you do perfectly normal age related things isn't easy either.
He will be going out on his own with friends soon and may well need to pop off to the loo alone without saying 'please come with me, my mother says I can't go alone'!

honkinghaddock · 29/08/2016 07:16

If ds comes into the ladies with me, he comes into the cubicle with me since he cannot be left alone for a second. Disabled loos are my first choice but if there isn't one or it is located within the single sex toilets, then he comes into the ladies and will for many years to come. My right not to wet myself comes first.

FreshHorizons · 29/08/2016 07:21

I don't think that anyone objects to special needs.
They do object to over anxious mothers of perfectly normal 10yr olds and feel sorry for the child.

reallyanotherone · 29/08/2016 07:24

I was in a leisure centre once when a mother sent her boy in, about 11 or 12, on his own,while she waited outside.

Uncomfortable for me, and the boy. If he can use the facilities by himself, he can use the mens.

See also the time my 10 year old dd opened a shower cubicle door in the womens to find a fully naked boy, older than her, in the cubicle. His mum was not in the changing room, but outside waiting.

It is not appropriate, as more people do it it is becoming normal, and perpetuates the fear of paedos in the mens. If all the boys in the womens used the mens, the mens would be full and there'd be safety in numbers.

But hey, boys come first as usual...

BeyondLovesSweetDee · 29/08/2016 07:31

"Disabled loos are my first choice but if there isn't one or it is located within the single sex toilets, then he comes into the ladies and will for many years to come. My right not to wet myself comes first."

Fuck. Me.

neonrainbow · 29/08/2016 07:33

It really isn't socially acceptable to use accessible toilets because you can't cut the apron strings of your 10 year old child.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/08/2016 07:33

But hey, boys come first as usual...

To be fair men do take their daughters in to the mens toilets with them. It's not a one way thing.

Spottyladybird · 29/08/2016 07:33

I teach 10 year olds and I can imagine most of them would not want to be in the ladies. They are well aware of the biological differences and would not use the girls at school.

I remember my brother refused to go in the ladies from aged 7 onwards, tricky for my mum but she used to tell him to go in and use the cubicle if it was free.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 07:35

At that age, he should be using the gents toilet, unless he has an sn or disability. I think most 10 year olds would hate to be accompanied to the toilet by their mum. Even my 4 year old ds, wants to go to the proper public toilet on his own without me, but as he's so young, no way!

Sirzy · 29/08/2016 07:35

I doubt many 10 year old girls are taken into the gents toilets!

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/08/2016 07:36

Even if he has SN and needs help that's what radar keys and disabled toilets are for.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/08/2016 07:37

I doubt many 10 year old girls are taken into the gents toilets!

I was talking about in general, I doubt many 10 year old boys are in the womans overall.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 07:38

I can see some very big helicopter parenting from some mums on here, what will you all do when the time comes when your baby boy does not need to be at your apron strings anymore, he hang on, yes, their called manchildren. I feel for their poor unfortunate parenters.

Babyamazon · 29/08/2016 07:39

It's not boys come first it's children come first.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2016 07:39

Yes my dd 9 has ASD and hates to go to the public loo by herself and has big anxiety issues.

FreshHorizons · 29/08/2016 07:41

Not many 10yr olds are taken into the ladies with their mother- that is why it is so embarrassing for them if they were seen by friends.

Sirzy · 29/08/2016 07:41

But the conversation is about age Inappropriate use of the toilets which I would say is a much bigger issue with boys not being allowed to develop the independence than girls.

Up to the age of about 7 I don't think most people would think twice about which toilets were being used by a child but beyond that then they should be starting to use the right toilet, by 10 there is no reason for a child with no SN or disability to be using the wrong toilet. If they have SN or disabilities which mean they can't use the toilet independently then as you said that's when use of the disabled toilets is acceptable.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/08/2016 07:42

But the conversation is about age Inappropriate use of the toilets

The statement i was replying to implied it's boys only, when it isn't.

Sirzy · 29/08/2016 07:43

I think the age inappropriate thing in this case is generally about boys though. I haven't encountered many men who would insist their 10 year old went into the gents with them!

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/08/2016 07:45

I haven't encountered many men who would insist their 10 year old went into the gents with them!

I've not encountered many women doing the same with their 10 year old boys, have you?

FreshHorizons · 29/08/2016 07:46

I think it is generally why some women have problems with MIL- they are the first person to stand up to her! Boys seem less able on their own. We have already had on here 'he will be my baby when he is 40yrs'!!

Mine used to say 'I'm a big boy now' when I fussed. All they need to do is say 'sorry mother, but I shall go in the gents' - and then do it. They really need to cut those apron strings!

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/08/2016 07:46

not on this site with it's goady as fuck posts, but in real life. Have you encountered much of this?

FreshHorizons · 29/08/2016 07:47

Girls are far more assertive- they would simply go to the ladies.

Sirzy · 29/08/2016 07:47

Look at this thread though and I often see parents with older boys in the ladies. Surely you can see that in this case it is generally about stopping boys having the independence because Mummy is scared of the big bad men in the Gents.

Sadly it's another case of "paedo on every corner" which is stopping some young boys being able to develop normal independence.

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