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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family starting to talk about what religion my baby should be!

73 replies

DoubleCarrick · 27/08/2016 19:41

My DM broached with me the subject of what religion DH and I are going to "bring our baby up as". I'm only 21 weeks pregnant!!

DH's family follow a religion quite strictly, mine don't.

My Nan (DM's mum) has asked DM to make it clear to me that I should be the one to pick whether the baby "has a religion" or not. As it stands, we've already decided what we want to do and are happy with our decision and will stand by it.

Is this just the start of the interference? DH is fuming that the question has even been posed and feels that it's none of their business and that whatever we choose is not really their concern. He's worried that it's just the start of "boundary issues" and that there is lots more to come.

WIBU to keep our decision to ourselves for the time being? AIBU to not consider any of our families wishes in all of this? I don't know what to do, tbh, it just continues to prove that my family are a nightmare

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 27/08/2016 19:43

Of course it's up to you but why wouldn't you just tell them your decision and that it's not up for discussion?

Bitofacow · 27/08/2016 19:44

I think when the baby is old enough they will decide what religion they want to be.

You can say my baby is x religion but really theory will decide.

Bitofacow · 27/08/2016 19:45

Really they (the baby) will decide.

whywonthedgehogssharethehedge · 27/08/2016 19:45

Sorry but no one gets to decide. The child will make their own mind up when they are older regardless of anything you do.

Doublemint · 27/08/2016 19:47

Say you're raising them as a Jedi, completely deadpan.

Doublemint · 27/08/2016 19:48

And YANBU

IAmNotAMindReader · 27/08/2016 19:48

That doesn't come across as interference just a reminder to make sure you aren't pressured by others. Your Nan isn't saying I expect you to choose this or I will be upset/not speak to you/ throw a tantrum. However, reading on you state your family can behave badly.

Does she usually get involved as a part of the nightmare behaviour? If so this could be a passive aggressive way to stick her oar in with questioning you constantly as to whether or not something is truly your choice till you pick something more in line with her wishes.
If not, this could be her gently trying to show you her support and warn you that the others may kick off and not to get sucked in.

Original poster

DoubleCarrick · 27/08/2016 19:49

Tbh we have decided that we will allow the baby to choose when the time comes. I decided not to say that because it's playing in to the hands of DM and Nan.

Incidentally, I was told that if we were thinking of bringing the child up as a Muslim then DM would be very concerned. It breaks my heart and pisses me off at the same time DH's family are not Muslim

OP posts:

OverlyLoverly · 27/08/2016 19:50

This sounds very odd? Is there a reason your Mum shouldn't ask what seems like a fairly normal question. You could have just said you haven't decided if you didn't want to discuss it. All sounds a bit dramatic.

OverlyLoverly · 27/08/2016 19:51

I guessed you were going yo say Muslim

AverageGayLad · 27/08/2016 19:52

Of course not, it's your decision!

I just hope, OP, that you bring the child up to realise it is perfectly acceptable to not follow any religion it is brought up in, as this could cause HUGE fallout if not. You may of course be bringing the child up without religion which again is fine :)

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

Helmetbymidnight · 27/08/2016 19:52

If my kids were in relationships with, and having children with, someone whose background is quite religious, I would ask, yes.

Obviously, if there's a backstory of interference, then it probably is, but I thinks it's a fair question.

KingofnightvisionKingofinsight · 27/08/2016 19:53

Religion is a very loaded issue. I wouldn't get yourself all worked up about whether it is or isn't indicative of how things may be in the future. It sounds like you are already establishing your boundaries and that's a good thing, but there's no reason this should cause you anxiety about what may or may not happen next month or next year.

AverageGayLad · 27/08/2016 19:54

Cross post, sorry! I think that's a very good decision, but your DM needs to realise it's nothing to do with her, or indeed anyone, what religion you bring your child up as. Muslims are not all terrorists.

AudreyBradshaw · 27/08/2016 19:55

Say you're raising them as a Jedi, completely deadpan

Came on to say exactly this.

phillipp · 27/08/2016 19:57

I decided not to say that because it's playing in to the hands of DM and Nan.

Eh? So you are doing what they advised but won't tell them that you and dh agree because it's playing into their hands?

I would guess they have spoken up because they are worried your dh may pressure you into doing something you don't want to. I imagine they (either rightly or wrongly) are worried about the impact you dhs religion will have on you and you child.

I find it odd that he is angry with them and telling you that this is the start of their interference. It's sounds like he is trying to create problems where there are none.

You family shared and opinion. That's it. It's also an opinion you seem to agree with by the sounds of it.

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 19:57

If nobody involved is Muslim, why do they think you might bring it up Muslim? That's weird.

I think you're being a little bit sensitive to the question.

AyeAmarok · 27/08/2016 19:58

I find it odd that he is angry with them and telling you that this is the start of their interference. It's sounds like he is trying to create problems where there are none.

I must say I thought this too.

Doublemint · 27/08/2016 19:59

Great minds Audrey

mathsmum314 · 27/08/2016 19:59

I hate this sort of thing. Why should other people decide what religion a person is. Just tell them the 'baby' will decide when they are old enough to decide for themselves and you (or anyone else) wont be choosing for them.

Atenco · 27/08/2016 20:00

Well first of all, be very careful about keeping your boundaries in place. I allowed my PIL to have my dd christened because it mattered so much to them and I loved them, but next thing I know they are making decisions about what school to send her to.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 20:02

I'm confused. Is your DH Muslim?

Anyway, it's none of their bleeding beeswax.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/08/2016 20:03

surely it's not weird to ask your Dd if they're going to christen/circumcise/apply to church school, whatever, the baby?

MyBreadIsEggy · 27/08/2016 20:05

Religion can be a difficult subject when two families follow different faiths, or one family is religious and the other isn't.
My DH's family aren't remotely religious. My family are staunch Polish Catholics.
DH's grandma and dad weren't thrilled at the idea of attending a catholic wedding (that would also be relayed in two languages!), but they decided as my parents were paying for the wedding, they didn't really have a say in it
They also kicked up a stink about our dd's baptism - didn't attend mass but did come to the pub afterwards with cards and gifts and to enjoy the party with us, which I really appreciated. Every so often the subject still comes up, but I have got pretty good at distancing myself from those conversations now.
I'm waiting for it all to start again when my DS is born later this year...

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 20:06

Helmet: If you're asking because you want to influence them it is weird. If you're idly curious like most people, less so, but at 21 weeks it's a bit of a strange question. Anyway, the OP has said her DM would be 'very concerned'.

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