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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family starting to talk about what religion my baby should be!

73 replies

DoubleCarrick · 27/08/2016 19:41

My DM broached with me the subject of what religion DH and I are going to "bring our baby up as". I'm only 21 weeks pregnant!!

DH's family follow a religion quite strictly, mine don't.

My Nan (DM's mum) has asked DM to make it clear to me that I should be the one to pick whether the baby "has a religion" or not. As it stands, we've already decided what we want to do and are happy with our decision and will stand by it.

Is this just the start of the interference? DH is fuming that the question has even been posed and feels that it's none of their business and that whatever we choose is not really their concern. He's worried that it's just the start of "boundary issues" and that there is lots more to come.

WIBU to keep our decision to ourselves for the time being? AIBU to not consider any of our families wishes in all of this? I don't know what to do, tbh, it just continues to prove that my family are a nightmare

OP posts:
DownWithThisSortaThing · 28/08/2016 08:32

I was told that if we were thinking of bringing the child up as a Muslim then DM would be very concerned

But why would you bring a child up as Muslim if neither you or your DH are Muslim? So why would she ask that question? Confused

Just tell them you're not picking a religion. Your DH is right it is none of their business to worry about it. Asking out of interest is a bit different. They'll ask you millions of questions about names and parenting and whatever, out of interest. It's not necessarily interfering.

They can try to tell you to pick a religion for your baby but you can simply ignore them! You don't have to do what anybody tells you to. My DPs family still occasionally mention getting DS Christened after trying to insist on it when he was born. I still just smile vaguely and then change the subject. I don't even enter a discussion about it because DP and I made our decision before he was born.

RollerGirl7 · 28/08/2016 08:49

I'm sorry but I do think bringing a child up as a Muslim is different to inflicting a different religion on them. - I believe no religion should be inflicted on a child before they are of an age to decide for themselves. But by being a Muslim (girl or boy) their life will be limited and altered from what is standard in this country in a way that wouldn't if they were brought up in the religion of the church of england.

Religions tend to restrict people in my mind; no alcohol, no sex before marriage, contraception is a sin, no showing hair past puberty, no eating certain foods, no working on the sabbath, no briny alone with men outside your family. (I understand some of these are cultural rather than religious but they do go hand in hand)

I would be concerned (I'd shut up as it's your decision) about anyone bringing a child into a religion that is actually going to impact the way the live their life, whether that be Islam or Judaism. So for me some religions are more palatable that others. I know Christians and Muslims and have problems with neither but the Muslims are more defined by their faith than the Christians I know.

FramptonRose · 28/08/2016 09:09

I have a friend, who is Catholic and (was) married to a Muslim man, it was all agreed they would let DC to choose their own religion.
Friend stuck to this arrangement, DH did not, always trying to bring DC into the Mosque, his family trying to convince her to shave the baby's head, calling her the name they had originally wanted, not her actual name.
I am not saying all mixed religion marriages are like this, I just think it's all well and good having a discussion before hand, once baby is here, a lot seems to change. It's not just my friend, I have heard this happen so often.

HostaFireandIce · 28/08/2016 10:28

Religions tend to restrict people in my mind

So do laws. No murder, no stealing, no rape - it's so restrictive!

alltouchedout · 28/08/2016 10:35

DH and I are atheist, but his family are mostly RC with a smattering of JWs (apparently quite unusual in Poland). No one ever asked us about religion and our dc. If they had done we'd have happily said we'll be bringing them up without a religion but with knowledge of many and with the intention of making them feel they can make any choice they like as its their life and their decision. My family would have been Hmm if we had wanted to baptise our dc (actually as I'm not baptised, and and we had a civil wedding, would we have been able to baptise them? Hmmn) but even so would have accepted it. We don't have contact with dh's family really. I imagine they assume the dc are baptised RC if they think about it at all.

MorrisZapp · 28/08/2016 10:44

I'd be more concerned about the father. Angry because his in laws asked a totally innocuous question? He needs to get over himself. If two people with different religions have a baby, what religion will you raise the baby in is a really obvious thing for any sentient person to wonder.

Unless you're the kind of person who refuses to tell people what colour of car you're thinking of buying because it's nobody's bloody business, in which case good luck with being friendless.

Many religions are restrictive, and that is absolutely nothing whatsoever like obeying the laws of the land. What an odd comment that was.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 28/08/2016 10:47

Surely religion is a matter of faith. I'm not sure a newborn is in a position to decide if they have faith of any type, or not.

Aren't we all born atheist?

Iggi999 · 28/08/2016 11:51

You have made your decision. Why not put them out of their misery and tell them? Are you waiting for a big reveal, like one of those sex reveal cakes at baby showers?

Helmetbymidnight · 28/08/2016 11:54

It's none of people's beeswax what sex a baby is. Especially not meddling grandparents.

Original poster
DoubleCarrick · 28/08/2016 15:44

Ah, I think my frustration has been misunderstood. I don't think I explained myself very well, sorry.

Dh's parents are JW's. DH was a JW until he was about 14 or 15.

It , unfortunately, wasn't an innocent question on my nan's part and although seems like a general question, I've lived much of my life being dictated to by my family.

I think in some weird way, dm was bringing up the muslim thing as a peace offering to say she wouldn't 100% disapprove if the baby were a JW but that she still has concerns.

Hope that makes sense

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 28/08/2016 16:46

sounds like your family are rude, prejudiced and ignorant bigits. i agree with your dh, they are pushing boundaries with you, they're also dictating their terms of acceptance of you and your dc/family. They're already playing the 'divide and conquer' game with you and your dh - don't let them.

i think now is a prefect time to change the rules of the game.

You're building a new future with your dh and you don't have to allow old patterns and dynamics into your new life.
Only you and your dh decide what is best for your dc - and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone let alone shit-stirring family members.
The two of you decide what your boundaries are and how you will deal with them when they get trampled.
Start learning to say "no. that doesn't work for me/us" and refuse to engage in anything that you feel is not up for discussion.

You and your dh are a team and don't let anyone come inbetween you.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 28/08/2016 16:55

Quick question? What is JW? Is it jewish?

alltouchedout · 28/08/2016 17:05

Jehovah's Witnesses, OfaFrench.

DontMindMe1 · 28/08/2016 17:06

Well they merely said that op should have her say. im not sure what's so weird about that

Do you lack comprehension skills or you deliberately being obtuse? Hmm

They are trying to create a wedge between her and dh by say only SHE should be the one to pick whether the baby "has a religion" or not. Really? Her dh's feelings don't matter at all? Op has already dealt with this issue the correct way - with open and honest communication with her dh.

I was told that if we were thinking of bringing the child up as a Muslim then DM would be very concerned

This isn't 'innocent' asking or advising is it? It's passive aggressive bullying and manipulation.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 28/08/2016 17:14

Thank you Alltouche!

Original poster
DoubleCarrick · 28/08/2016 17:27

Luckily it hasn't and won't create a wedge. I've had several years of therapy and dh has joined me for a few months worth and it has given him some awareness.

He's not used to such intrusion and his family are just so amazing. It's nice to finally know what it's like to have supportive family members.

It does really sadden me that they are implying that dh is controlling things. My ex was controlling and it wasn't great. They just spread poison depending on if it fits their agenda. E.g. he was the favourite when he decorated nan's kitchen but at the weekend was told off for buying a couple of tops which he desperately needed. He was told he was behaving like a bachelor and needed to think of his family. Couldn't be further from reality if they tried but I think it was just the jw thing playing on their mind and gearing up to saying something.

Maybe this is best placed in relationships after my lengthy rant! Sorry!

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 28/08/2016 17:34

I am struggling with the idea that it is your family who are intrusive and the family who are JW who are accepting of their son not being in the faith, marrying outside the faith and possibly bringing dgc up that way too. That does not sound like JWs to me at all, it goes against their beliefs.

DontMindMe1 · 28/08/2016 18:21

That does not sound like JWs to me at all, it goes against their beliefs

can we stop with the ignorant tarring of all? who are you to dictate how others should practice their faith? Hmm

Iggi999 · 28/08/2016 18:50

It goes against their faith as being "inside" the religious community is very important to them, and many ex JW talk of being shunned by their family for leaving. I think that is all fairly well accepted, not sure what you're getting all het up about Hmm

Becky546 · 28/08/2016 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helmetbymidnight · 28/08/2016 21:03

I don't lack comprehension skills and I'm not being deliberately obtuse, thank you for asking, don't mind.

are you this aggressive in real life or is it something you save for mumsnet?

RollerGirl7 · 28/08/2016 21:13

Hostage well done on figuring out that laws are restrictive. We need laws to restrict damaging behaviour like drink driving we don't need religions to restrict women having their elbows or hair on show

Laws literally make things illegal like don't set people houses on fire, you're not allowed to steal, etc. I have no problem with laws (in general, I'm sure there is a few shitty ones) my problem is when religions look to prohibit certain behaviours as if they have the power to outlaw things, E. G. Making contraception a sin - there's no law against using contraception but certain religions would stop you using it.

JW seems like quite a strict religion so I would be concerned about grandkids just in case you were planning to go down that route and would probably mention it to you if I was your mum. Would most people here be totally fine about it?

It sounds ds like all she did was mention it, yeah she's come across a bit nosey and pushy but some people do get drawn into the more strict religions like a cult and I don't think it's the end of the world for a family member to say something that might come across like they are interfering if they feel they need to just to remind you that you have got a choice and not to get talked into something you don't want.

PersianCatLady · 28/08/2016 22:05

Tbh we have decided that we will allow the baby to choose when the time comes. I decided not to say that because it's playing in to the hands of DM and Nan
It is not "playing into their hands" to tell them what you have decided to do.

To me not telling them is creating a drama out of nothing.

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