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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family starting to talk about what religion my baby should be!

73 replies

DoubleCarrick · 27/08/2016 19:41

My DM broached with me the subject of what religion DH and I are going to "bring our baby up as". I'm only 21 weeks pregnant!!

DH's family follow a religion quite strictly, mine don't.

My Nan (DM's mum) has asked DM to make it clear to me that I should be the one to pick whether the baby "has a religion" or not. As it stands, we've already decided what we want to do and are happy with our decision and will stand by it.

Is this just the start of the interference? DH is fuming that the question has even been posed and feels that it's none of their business and that whatever we choose is not really their concern. He's worried that it's just the start of "boundary issues" and that there is lots more to come.

WIBU to keep our decision to ourselves for the time being? AIBU to not consider any of our families wishes in all of this? I don't know what to do, tbh, it just continues to prove that my family are a nightmare

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 27/08/2016 20:09

I think it's good to set a boundary now
otherwise you could end up in a spot where your family tell your child one thing and say "this is correct" where you will be saying something else?

so it will be much easier from the get go to say "not raising bubs in any way, just to be open minded".

Helmetbymidnight · 27/08/2016 20:11

Well they merely said that op should have her say.
im not sure what's so weird about that.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/08/2016 20:11

I think it's fair enough for your DM and Nan to ask although it is quite early days and they could have waited until baby is here.

I think it's nice and generally helpful to have other people involved in your family life/ supporting your child, not just you and DH?

Lorelei76 · 27/08/2016 20:15

YANBU at all not to consider either family's wishes here btw. It's not their child and it's not like you are planning to raise the baby in some kind of air and water cult.

WyfOfBathe · 27/08/2016 20:15

I don't find it interfering, to be honest. I would find it interfering if your parents told you what to do, but asking is fairly harmless.

My family are protestant & DH's are catholic so although both Christians there are obviously some differences. I'm 25 weeks and my MIL has already asked when baby's baptism is going to be, DH just told her we're not sure yet (which is true, we aren't sure when her baptism's going to be... because we're not planning for her to be baptised as a baby, just a dedication service)

SwedishEdith · 27/08/2016 20:15

I was told that if we were thinking of bringing the child up as a Muslim then DM would be very concerned.

Well, clearly say this is what you are going to do then if the conversation actually happened.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 20:16

Helmet: No, the OP's mum said she would be very concerned about her deciding in one way over a different (her own preferred) way.

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2016 20:16

What are they allowed to ask about?

Lessthanaballpark · 27/08/2016 20:19

TBH I find it weird that anyone, extended family, in laws or parents themselves think they have the right to decide their child's religion.

If you're going to bring them up to believe in the existence of Allah, Jesus, Buddha whatever, then how do you if they - when they later decide to follow your chosen religion - are believing in it because it's true or because they've been taught it?

Purplebluebird · 27/08/2016 20:19

I'm sorry but I think you're making a big fuss about something that doesn't need to be that big a deal.

PotteringAlong · 27/08/2016 20:21

This is a storm in a teacup about nothing. Tell them what you've decided and problem solved.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 20:22

It's not weird to bring your child up in a faith, as long as you accept their right to reject the premises of that faith. It's just sharing your culture and beliefs with them. I was 'brought up' Catholic in the sense that I went to church but I was never reprimanded for questioning any aspect of that religion, or any other.

Iggi999 · 27/08/2016 20:22

Saying you will allow the child to decide what they believe when they are old enough is a bit of a non-comment is it - any parents who brings their child up as atheist, Christian, Sikh or whatever knows that when they are old enough they might choose to believe in something else! What you presumably mean is that you are going to bring the child up not in the traditions of any religion. Which, assuming you are both non-religious, is all anyone could expect you to do. If dh's family want to take the child to church (or wherever) you'll have to decide what you want to do about that.

TheHeartOfASaturdayNight · 27/08/2016 20:23

Why would anyone be concerned that you are going to bring the baby up to be muslim if neither parents were muslim?

Why would it matter anyway?

or is this just another muslim bashing thread

Original poster
DoubleCarrick · 27/08/2016 20:28

Unfortunately, if I know my Nan, it was her way of saying that DM should tell me that baby shouldn't be brought up in the religion of DH's family. My family do the whole passive aggressive thing of not quite saying what they mean but clearly intending you to do what they want.

I guess I'm overreacting because it's 1) judgemental on my relationship with DH. 2) just an ongoing theme of my family trying to make problems and issues. 3) a little offensive to DH's family.

You guys are making me realise that I'm actually just pissed off about the boundary invasion or attempt to control what we want to do and how we bring up our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoubleCarrick · 27/08/2016 20:30

Muslim bashing? I don't really know why I mentioned it apart from to highlight that I feel DM is being unreasonable. DH's family are religious, yes. But when I tried to tell DM that it would be our decision she said she would be "even more" concerned if it were a different religion

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/08/2016 20:37

Well I would definitely have an opinion about what religion any (future) grandchildren were brought up in, how that was being done, and how my own beliefs and relationship with them related to that. Wouldn't most DGP's?

eyebrowsonfleek · 27/08/2016 20:50

I think it's normal to ask about future plans about religion, education...

Only your dh and you know whether your answer will lead to them judging and trying to convince you to do what they think or they'd nod along and accept what you say.

Couples who are different religions or from different countries normally discuss their choices before conception. I think that it's not unreasonable to wonder what you've decided for your child. Some religions are very easy to accept from a secular point of view eg a Church of England christening but others are very different eg a Muslim daughter with covered head.

Trifleorbust · 27/08/2016 20:51

"Some religions are very easy to accept from a secular point of view eg a Church of England christening but others are very different eg a Muslim daughter with covered head."

God forbid 😂

TriJo · 27/08/2016 21:38

We're both atheists, but DH's parents are quite religious Catholics (my dad is an atheist and my mum is a cafeteria Catholic who is probably more interested in Zen Buddhism at this stage). We put our foot down early and said we were not baptising. To their credit, DH's parents never asked again after that. It's more of a cultural thing in Ireland and with Irish families, but I just couldn't stand up in a church I left 20 years ago and make promises I don't believe a word of just to keep others happy.

Lorelei76 · 27/08/2016 21:54

OP that's it exactly, boundaries.

PokemonGo · 27/08/2016 21:57

I don't think the OPs in laws are Muslim.

Floods123 · 28/08/2016 08:10

Personally to bring up a child in any religion I think smacks or indoctrination. Should be illegal to bring up a child to any religion. Child can make up there own mind when old enough.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 28/08/2016 08:15

Please buy at least one of these for baby when they first meet the grandparents www.zazzle.co.uk/muslim+baby+clothes

BewtySkoolDropowt · 28/08/2016 08:16

I personally like the 100% halal vest