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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit gutted that DS is now not going to uni and has got a full-time job in Sainsbury's?

145 replies

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 11:53

People may think I'm being harsh, but hear me out.

DS did good in his GCSEs, he went on and failed his AS levels, so they told him that he had to leave. We then paid for him to have private tutoring (a lot of bloody money) and he sat his exams as a private candidate, he did really well - B, B, B, C (after 2 years of the tutoring). He was going to a great uni to study psychology (wanted to be a counsellor). He literally came to me this morning and has told me that he has pulled out of uni, as he has recently got the job for Sainsbury's (I knew he had gone for an interview, but I thought it would just be part-time) but no, he wants to work his way up and become a manager there, etc.

I'm not getting it. We supported him with those whole extra 2 years of A levels, so he could go on to do his whole dream of being a counsellor. Now he has just thrown that all away? I'm actually really gutted!

OP posts:

DubiousCredentials · 26/08/2016 20:48

So he didn't actually go to school for his A Levels, just the private tutoring and books that he studied himself? . I think most people have assumed he was at school all week and had the private tutoring on top.

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 26/08/2016 20:51

I was a straight A Oxbridge candidate who dropped out. No degree - the pressure was too much and I was bloody miserable. I'm now on £50K p.a. having worked my way up without the degree. If your son is bright and capable he'll be fine. YANBU to be upset though, it must be frustrating - but he has a plan, so try not to panic too much.

Original poster

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 21:00

No Dubious! He wasn't at school, he was told to leave when he failed AS

OP posts:

pansycake · 26/08/2016 21:14

Close family member did virtually the exact same thing (minus the tutoring). Went to work in Sainsbury, initially as a 'gap' year to earn some money before uni. Loved the job, worked incredibly hard and was given several promotions pretty quickly. Then offered store manager but told his boss he didn't think he had enough management experience for the role, so they made him manager of a department instead and after a couple of years he became store manager and is looking at being a regional manager in the next couple of years.
Let him go for it, who knows he could love or hate it, but knowing his parents are supporting his choices can only be a good thing.

Bitlost · 27/08/2016 08:21

Please don't worry. He seems very responsible and has a career plan. He's also very young and can alter his plans if he feels like it and go back to university at a later stage. By then, he'll know the value of money and hard work and will get more out of uni. He sounds great!

tinsheddy · 27/08/2016 08:44

I think I'd support him in the job at Sainsbury's - he's got all the time in the world to go back to uni and with those grades - I think there's a high chance he will even if he studies on a part time basis.

I think your son wants the independence that a job and an income brings and I think you should accept and support his choice. He had fantastic A level grades though that should set him up well for anything he wants to do in the future!!

Housemum · 27/08/2016 18:39

If he has made the decision himself, eg not influenced by friends, back him up. DD1 had a place to do Pyschology and turned it down in favour of full time Sainsburys. She got to team leading on the tills, she never expected to be there long term. 5 years later she has a job in a local firm with a good salary, running housing schemes for key workers and loves it - they have suggested that she might move into supervisory roles in the near future. Meanwhile, 2 of her 3 cousins went to uni and subsequently dropped out. Her cousins are in debt and struggling to find work, she has just bought a flat with her fiancé as they had managed to save a deposit. Uni would have been the wrong thing for her.

fatandlumpy · 27/08/2016 18:49

As someone who works in higher education (at a Uni which is a bit posh) I would say fair play to him. I see too many undergrads stuck doing a degree because they feel obligated to their parents when really all they want to do is act/own a flower shop/write books about ponys etc

The mature students I see are far more focuses, dedicated and freaking grateful for their education.

I am a mother to a 3 year old. I'm actually in two minds about whether or not I'd want him to follow me down an academic path. If he's like his Dad (whom I love dearly and is one of the cleverest people I know) he'll end up with 1 GCSE and join the Army. If that happened I would stop him either.

Your his Mum. You love him. You are NOT being unreasonable to feel like you do, but as someone else said so efficiently - it is his life.

I hope it all works out for all

(Unicornfairydust to all!!!!!)

fatandlumpy · 27/08/2016 18:50

Ffs.... Your=you're

😳

fatandlumpy · 27/08/2016 19:28

Oh yes - have you considered the 'employee discount' angle yet?

MrsJayy · 27/08/2016 19:53

15% and twice a year 25% extra on top of that

mynellie · 27/08/2016 20:05

I can understand where your coming from our son did the same asked to leave after first year of college but we couldn't afford a private tutor so he was told Your not sitting on your bum dossing get out and find a job which he did, He started in a shop and got some experience and now works for a bank and has worked his way up quite quickly , plus while his friends are just leaving uni with debt he has saved his money and just bought a house to say we are chuffed is an understatement and we are now so pleased he followed the work path rather than uni as there seems to be a lot of uni leavers struggling to get any job at all

GoldFishFingerz · 27/08/2016 20:06

He's so young!! Going to uni fresh out of A levels is pointless/silly if he doesn't truly know what to commit to. He's obviously not 100% sure about going or studying psychology. Going to uni when not fully committed would be a costly 30/50k mistake.

Having those A levels and getting a few years of work/confidence building under his belt is a great idea. Just because he's not going to uni now doesn't mean he won't go in a few years.

With sainsburies he will need to communicate constantly and it could really help his social anxiety long term. There will be lots of nice banter between staff on the floor and the customers are generally polite.

But also why study psychology? Is it because of his social anxiety and is wanting to deal with it? what else is he interested in?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 27/08/2016 20:13

I did a gap year and went from working Saturdays in WHSmiths to working 30hrs/wk and being in charge of Children's Books. I loved it and was offered the chance to train and progress but I went to uni. I had a small loan as no fees but no grant, so am not riddled with debt. My work experience helped me get my first post-uni job, without any previous job history I would have struggled.

He now has A-levels plus is able to show perseverance to any future employer. They will be impressed at his work ethic to have achieved his grades. His A-levels will open doors in the future and he might do a degree in a year or two, or later on. He might choose a different subject or find out he loves something else.

Congratulations on having such a hard working son.

Daydream007 · 27/08/2016 21:25

You've done your best for him so don't beat yourself up. My niece did a similar thing because she wanted to earn money and work her way up - she was put off uni by her friends who had serious student debt. Your son sounds sensible and it's good to stand back and let him find his way as he will be happier.

Harley24 · 02/05/2024 08:22

Aw I really wouldn't worry 100% he will go next September!! Trust me I'm a mum of four ranging from 3 to 19 but most importantly I worked in sainsburys for 13 years !!! Haha so trust me when I say he will want so much more ! It's a good job for mums ect or students but! He sounds very clever and in all honesty every day I was there putting things out it gives you alot of focus time. I guarantee he will be thinking god this forever!? I've got to go uni lol because I did . It's good because he can save ready for when reality kicks in and it will trust me :)

Think of it as a gap year to save for September lol hope that helps don't stress

Beezknees · 02/05/2024 08:24

Harley24 · 02/05/2024 08:22

Think of it as a gap year to save for September lol hope that helps don't stress

This thread was started in 2016, you're a bit late!

Maray1967 · 02/05/2024 08:31

MammaTJ · 26/08/2016 12:08

Maybe the extra tutoring made him realise he cannot manage it on his own. Uni is very much self driven study.

Whatever the reason, he has made a decision and you cannot change that, so accept it.

University lecturer here. This is exactly what needs to be said. If he got BBBC after intensive tutoring, and couldn’t cope with normal sixth form he might well struggle at uni.

He might also find that the retail job loses its attraction in a year or so if he doesn’t get promotions and he has too many customers shouting at him. My DS learned pretty quickly that he did not want to work in retail after customers shouted/screamed at him. There is no reason why he has to go to uni at 18. Many students would do much better, I suspect, with a year (or 2 or 3) in work behind them. I went at 19 after working as an pair. I was much more motivated than my peers who went straight on from school.

Motnight · 02/05/2024 08:45

Zombie thread!!

Westfacing · 02/05/2024 08:45

I wonder if the OP's son has worked his way up the retail ladder in the past eight years!

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