To be a bit gutted that DS is now not going to uni and has got a full-time job in Sainsbury's?

[Smartphones]

People may think I'm being harsh, but hear me out.

DS did good in his GCSEs, he went on and failed his AS levels, so they told him that he had to leave. We then paid for him to have private tutoring (a lot of bloody money) and he sat his exams as a private candidate, he did really well - B, B, B, C (after 2 years of the tutoring). He was going to a great uni to study psychology (wanted to be a counsellor). He literally came to me this morning and has told me that he has pulled out of uni, as he has recently got the job for Sainsbury's (I knew he had gone for an interview, but I thought it would just be part-time) but no, he wants to work his way up and become a manager there, etc.

I'm not getting it. We supported him with those whole extra 2 years of A levels, so he could go on to do his whole dream of being a counsellor. Now he has just thrown that all away? I'm actually really gutted!

Smartphones - I didn't go to university when I left sixth form, despite having fairly decent A level grades - I decided I wanted to train as a nurse instead (this was back in the days when it was hospital-based, registered general nurse training, on the job, not a degree course).

I qualified as a nurse, and worked for three years, including doing a post basic course in Theatre nursing, and then I decided I wanted to go to university - so I did - and I am absolutely sure it was the right thing for me, at that time - but wouldn't have been right if I had gone straight from school.

Kudos to your son for having done so well in his retakes, and for having got himself this job - and maybe you could see it as a win-win situation. If he does well at the job, and gets promoted, he could have a very bright future with the company or in retail management with other companies - it is a great sector to work in because people will always need to buy food, and shopping is a major leisure activity.

And if he decides, in a while, that this is not the career for him, he can still go to university, but will have experience of work under his belt, which will stand him in good stead both for finding a job while he is at uni, and for making him more mature - he will be in the swing of getting up on time, getting himself to work, completing his work within the allotted time etc - all good skills for university.

I am sure that I was a better student because of the time I had spent nursing - it gave me a good work ethic, and I think I had grown up during those years.

Of course, I am not saying that it is wrong for students to go straight from school to university - it is absolutely the best thing for many of them - but I am sure that some need a bit more time, and need to be a bit older and more experienced when they go - horses for courses.

OP I can see why you are gutted. People on MN often say things like 'support your DC whatever their dream' or 'better being a shelf-stacker and happy than a corporate lawyer and miserable'.

Personally I think that type of guff comes from people who have never known real poverty. We all know that life is very hard right now for people on below-average incomes, and it's not going to get any easier in the near future. There's a reason people in 'low-status' jobs experience more stress than others, because they often have fewer choices and less security.

It's understandable that you fear this for your son.

However, as an academic, we get lots of students each year, particularly young men, who are clearly coming to uni because it's what their parents want, or what their friends are doing. Some pull through. Many don't, and either can't cope with the work and turn to plagiarism, fail, or drop out.

University is a fantastic, enriching experience - if you are committed.

I'd be very honest with your DS about how you feel. Say you are scared for him. Explain why. But also listen to what he has to say about his own life plans, and see if you can support him in those.

I agree with others saying he'll either excel or be desperate to do something else after about 18mos.

I can see why you are upset when you invested all that money in tuition on the understanding he would be going to university. Also I've worked in retail before and hated it. Obviously some people have successful retail careers but it is stressful and challenging so he may change his mind again after working there for a while. OTOH this might be something he needs to try to figure out whether it's for him and his A Levels aren't wasted as they give him more options and opportunities in future. He might decide to defer for a year and then go to uni or pursue an alternative route to a counseling career.

Support him, let him see how he goes on this first year. Many people get sold a dream and hate the reality. At least he is doing something.

Worried, I don't see how having a tutor 2 hours a week, for each subject is that much different to the 5 hours a day you get at school tbh

I worked at Sainsbury from aged 17-22 and was offered trainee management. I then left to do a levels. Grades A,A,A,C. Then law degree at top uni. Got 2.1. Worked as accountant at top 4 firm. Got 2nd degree at open uni. 2.1 . Then things went tits up. Hated accountancy. Got another good job with biggest free newspaper, then made redundant after having kids. Totally illegal of them but I ended up losing the will to fight them in a tribunal. Upshot is I often think I should have stayed with Sainsbury and worked my way up. I then did 5 yrs in a minimum wage job to get time to spend with my daughter.

Support your son and I wish him all the best.

It sounds to me that he's aware if he failed his initial exams and then needed personal one on one tutoring for 2 years that realistically he's going to struggle academically at Uni. I think he's made a very sensible choice. Maybe look into deferring his places for a year and he can see how Sainsbrys works out?

Mini, he has social anxiety, so I do agree about uni, but he has/is having treatment, that's why I paid for the tutoring, again it's no different to having 5 hours at school each day, or 6 hours all together in a week. I just don't like this impression that you're meant to do so much better having 6 hour 1-1 a week, compared to 25 hours in a classroom...

A lot of university work is work you need to do on your own, without assistance. Are you genuinely sure he can do that? I think he's done well getting himself a permanent job and with a plan too. I think you need to accept uni was your plan and not his.

Mini, how was uni my plan? I don't care if my children go or not (I never did) he was the one who wanted to

I went to uni straight from school, cos it was the 'right thing' and my parents invested a lot (private school) to get me there. however I didn't know what I wanted to do, so just picked the subject I was best at, and subsequently have an average degree from an average university that I've never even used. I didn't even go to my graduation as by the point I left I knew I wanted to do something different but wasn't sure what and I just didn't care, it was basically useless. I did a few years in a call centre, to the disappointment of everyone, then fell pregnant... now I know I want to go back and do my eyfs and be a TA.... what I'm saying is, even if they go uni, it mightstillbe a waste of the education, so it's better to support the career choice he's making and give him time to decide if he really wants to do councilling, rather than mounting a load of debt for a degree just cos he feels he should.

but yes, deep down I think I'd feel a little disappointed too,mainly cos uni is a brilliant experience.

Having worked as a university tutor, my experience is that students who went later in life got significantly more out of it.

These days a lot of career options require a degree and pursuing a second degree is prohibitively expensive. Waiting until you are sure you want to go and know exactly what you want to do is a very sensible decision.

Weird timing. Yesterday my mind wandered to a woman I went to school with who worked her way up the management chain of a supermarket. She owns her large home, maintains two cars (one provided by work), takes lovely long overseas holidays and is financially much better off than I am having gone to university.

It could really work out for him but I get why it wouldn't be your first choice for him.

At this age, nothing is written in stone: it may be that he goes back to uni after a year in retail, or it may be that he finds another training scheme, or it may be that this is indeed the right path for him. What he has already (and this is a big one!!!) is the experience of having gone through a struggle and having turned things round. This is a massive achievement which will stay with him forever. On top of this, he has the actual A-levels, which will make a whole range of paths open to him that would otherwise be closed. And he may well find that a year in retail helps with his social anxiety: if he can cope in such a people facing job, it will be an enormous boost to his confidence.

My dd did try to get into HE and failed; has spent a year working in catering and is now trying again. She has grown up enormously in this year, now knows for a fact that the anxiety which had her school refusing through secondary is something she can control and something which need not set her aside from other people: she has not even needed to disclose it to her employers. If she does get into HE next time, she will get so much more out of it than she could ever have done if she had gone straightaway.

Worried, I wish I could have given him full time 1-1 but it costed us £20,000 for just those hours over the 2 years I'm so pleased we did it, as he is very pleased with himself and I agree about the social anxiety, I think that may have put him off a bit as well (most likely the reason to be fair) and he says he feels comfortable in Sainsbury's, so I think that's why he wants to go there. I just want him happy, I honestly just thought the £20,000 was a massive waste of money, but you're all right about the a levels opening and keeping them open!! Doors

I think it'll be the making of him. Retail is really tough and poorly paid - to start with anyway. Either he'll rise to the challenge or he'll decide to go to uni after a year or two. He has decent grades and nobody can take those away from him.

BTW, you don't need a degree in Psychology to be a counsellor (you do, as well as a doctorate, to be a counselling psychologist, but not a counsellor). He will probably end up earning more in Sainsburys than as a counsellor too!

Your DS has been incredibly brave by not following the herd down the university route. It is a costly and stressful thing to decide to drop out half way through as so many do. There are many ways to enter professions without going via the traditional uni route. He has also got a solid foundation with A levels to allow him many opportunities.

It sounds like your son is going to be absolutely fine. Good for him for taking this in hand himself and getting a job. Plenty of people his age would just go to uni, mess around and do no work because they hated the course/environment and waste time and money. There's plenty of time to do uni later and honestly no counselling college worth their salt would take him before the age of 25. Psychology degrees are statistics heavy and you need to be really committed to get through them, too.
I hope the job goes well

If that's what he wants to do then why can't you just be happy for him? I know you paid lots of money for the extra tuition but he's young and he's allowed to change his mind so please don't hold it over him. Maybe he's never truly wanted to go down the "academic" route, and has finally put his foot down and is saying this is what I want to do.
People do work their way up in retail- if he's got the drive to do it then he's in with a chance and you never know where it will take him. Just because he won't have a degree it doesn't mean he won't do well in life.

I think that he is doing the sensible thing. I think that young people need to think very seriously about going to university these days. The degree that he was going to do is very difficult to get a job in.
One of 2 things will happen - he will work his way up, I know someone who is very high up in management having just started by stacking shelves, or he will decide that he needs to go back and get qualifications.
I know it seems a waste of money- but think how much more he might waste going on a course that he might drop out of.
At least it is a breathing space.
Getting to university is only the start- it is hard work once they get there and they need to be committed.

He might have been having doubts about going down the academic route for some time.

Does he fear that he may struggle at the same time as building up a lot of debt? If so then I can understand that. I would not go to university today. Not with tuition fees at £9K a year and likely to rise to £12K with no certainty of a job at the end of it.

I think he is sensible trying the Sainsbury's job first and gaining valuable practical experience working.

He can always reassess at a later date if necessary.

Supermarkets have good jobs whatever the economy- we all need to eat.