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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit gutted that DS is now not going to uni and has got a full-time job in Sainsbury's?

145 replies

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 11:53

People may think I'm being harsh, but hear me out.

DS did good in his GCSEs, he went on and failed his AS levels, so they told him that he had to leave. We then paid for him to have private tutoring (a lot of bloody money) and he sat his exams as a private candidate, he did really well - B, B, B, C (after 2 years of the tutoring). He was going to a great uni to study psychology (wanted to be a counsellor). He literally came to me this morning and has told me that he has pulled out of uni, as he has recently got the job for Sainsbury's (I knew he had gone for an interview, but I thought it would just be part-time) but no, he wants to work his way up and become a manager there, etc.

I'm not getting it. We supported him with those whole extra 2 years of A levels, so he could go on to do his whole dream of being a counsellor. Now he has just thrown that all away? I'm actually really gutted!

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/08/2016 17:16

I think he's ahead of the curve and predict that in 10 years time loads of people will work for around 5 years to build up a uni fund, rather than starting their lives saddled with debt. Smart boy.

gandalf456 · 26/08/2016 17:17

Very interesting discussion. I went to uni years ago and did something sort of related until I had my family. I took the retail job because the hours suited.

There are some plusses to retail. It's a very sociable environment so might help his social anxiety. The negatives are certain retail managers and customers.

He may feel he is wasting his degree if he doesn't move up the ladder (and some do with A levels). I am looking into postgraduate courses for that very reason

heron98 · 26/08/2016 17:21

I went to uni when I didn't want to. I hated it and was so miserable. When I look back, I think I was immature and just wasn't ready to go. I think if I'd got a job and gone a few years later I would have loved it. What your son is doing is far better than making an expensive mistake.

gillybeanz · 26/08/2016 17:29

He is ambitious and wants to be a manager, maybe he has found what level he wants to work at and doesn't want anymore study.
I think his AS levels told you this, and perhaps he was doing it because he thought you'd be disappointed if he didn't.
Did he ask for the tutor?

Original poster

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 17:31

Gilly, yes he was considering paying out of his own birthday money

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 26/08/2016 17:38

Maybe he has changed his mind and has had enough study, the same happened to my ds2, he didn't do A2 though after failing AS.
I was disappointed too, because I don't believe he reached his potential academically.
He had a job within an hour of me telling him his choices were limited and he'd find it hard getting a job.
He works in a call centre, but has been promoted several times since then, he is 21 now and on more money than mw, so I guess that's something.
I stopped being disappointed as I didn't want to lose him and wanted to be proud of the fact that he was holding down a job.
Maybe our sons will find education again in a few years time, you are never too old to learn, and maybe they stand more chance of knowing their mind when older. for you, he will be fine.

Original poster

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 17:40

As he didn't want to go to college and do a BTEC

OP posts:

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 26/08/2016 17:41

Something isn't right here. How on earth can you have spent £20,000 on tutoring over 2 years - yet he only had 2 hours tutoring a week? You'd have had to have paid well over £100 per hour, well over.

Original poster

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 17:42

No, 2 hours for each subject a week

OP posts:

Dozer · 26/08/2016 17:43

Counsellors are paid very badly and have poor employment conditions and hard jobs.

It's great that he has A levels: he can now go to uni any time he likes! He might hate retail and decide to return to studying or a different field, or like it and progress to management or a specialism (like buying), or like it and do a degree to further his career. The retailers often like to employ graduates (on decent pay!) who have worked extensively in retail and done a relevant degree.

FreshHorizons · 26/08/2016 17:46

I think that counsellors need experience of life more than anything.

BluePancakes · 26/08/2016 17:48

The managers at Aldi get paid loads of money. If DS had wanted to go and work his way up somewhere I'd have been really happy.

Just a POI that you cannot 'work your way up' at Aldi. I applied for a regional manager's job, which was a graduate position, and they stated that if you work in-store, you can become team lead, and maybe manager of a store, and that's it. You can never progress further. If you want any of the 'higher' jobs, you need to go in as a graduate as they are two different career streams.

Thankfully I didn't get the job, even if it meant I didn't have as high a salary or company car. They said at the assessment day that they expect you to work a minimum of 60hrs a week, most people work 80, and they will try and stop you if you hit 100hrs/wk. Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Enidblyton1 · 26/08/2016 17:53

I can see why you were gutted initially - but hopefully you can now see lots of positives in all these responses.
In many ways it might have been the 'easy' option for your DS to hide away at uni for a few years with his social anxiety. A job at Sainsburys will involve interacting with a wide range of people and should be brilliant for his confidence. If it all goes well, there are opportunities to rise up the ranks and have a well paid, managerial job. If it doesn't, he'll still have lots of time to go to university and probably get more out of it than if he went straight away now.
Definitely support him and encourage him to make the most out of his Sainsburys job 😀

MapleSyrupAndJam · 26/08/2016 18:02

Smartphones your son has done well, those are good a-level results and he will always have them, they are worth something on their own, not just as a route into uni. Maybe he just needs a break from education, studying etc, having those a levels means he can apply to uni in the future if he wants to. He sounds a bright lad and I'm sure he will be successful, whatever he chooses. And that his social anxiety improves. He's doing so well taking that into account too.

Fwiw, I dropped out of sixth form after my AS Levels, I think I'd had enough of the education system at that point. I did admin jobs, got married and had my DC and have been a SAHM for a few years now. But at 28 I'm about to start a foundation certificate course at an amazing uni (I would never have got into this uni after sixth form!), it's part time but if I do well at this I can apply for entry in the second year of a degree course in the future. I think everyone has their own path, and whilst it's going to be harder for me studying and juggling the kids etc than if I'd gone to uni 10 years ago, I will appreciate the opportunity to study now so much more. And I made some great friends through work, was able to buy my own flat etc. There are definite advantages to studying as a mature student.

You sound great and very supportive btw, he is lucky.

WannaBe · 26/08/2016 18:05

As well as the difficult employment conditions for counsellors there is also an extremely high drop out/failure rate. Only approx 10% of people who start out on counselling courses go on to actually become counsellors. And unlike many other courses counselling is something where you don't necessarily get to decide that's what you want to do, your ability to remain there also depends on the tutors etc who will decide whether or not you have what it takes and you can Be thrown off at any stage.

And TBH if after £20000 worth of tutoring he only got B's and C's I would say that he's perhaps not that academic. And there's nothing wrong with that. We need to go back to being more of a society where it's not all about A grades and degrees.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 26/08/2016 18:22

Oh I was hoping you'd miscalculated & I could soften the (financial) blow for you!

I agree with most of the others, whilst it's a different route to the one you thought he was going to take - and subsidised - getting those results will always benefit him. It's not like you paid for a specific course that is now no good to him. THAT would have grated massively.

It's also not any different to the thousands of parents subsiding uni students who go on to do something different than that which their degree was supposedly for.

I think that it would be good to accept that you did all you could to enable him to get as good a result as he could for his A levels. That's entirely separate to what he does next. (To repeat my main point) It's a general qualification that will stand him well, it's not as if you pad for him to do a specific course which us now useless to him.

Start with a clean slate.

He's FAR too young & inexperienced to even think about going into counselling. He needs LIFE experience.

Give him credit for getting a full time job (is it fixed or 0 hours though?).

Congratulate him on that & tell him you're proud that he's got a job and is doing what he thinks is right. It's very hard to change your plans like that knowing your parents will be disappointed.

I'd probably say to him something along the lines of...Companies sometimes promise the earth & deliver soil. But nothing ventured, nothing gained...give it a good go, it doesn't have to be for life, you can get another job or do a degree later. That you might even decide several years down the line, to try to get into counselling again'

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 26/08/2016 18:27

WannaBe. I'd agree if that £20k was on top of school, but as that's ALL the education he had, 2 hours pw in each subject, it's maybe not any indication of how academic he is or isn't.

Porg · 26/08/2016 18:34

My friend got a first in law. She couldn't find a training contract (they are like hens teeth). She is now a cleaner with a shit load of debt. She is either overqualified or lacks experience for every job she goes for.

I hate the way kids are told uni is their ticket to high wages and a successful life. It doesn't always work that way, it is a gamble that may put them in debt for years to come.

Original poster

Smartphones · 26/08/2016 18:36

Thank you

I don't know why people seem to think that he isn't clever/ didn't do very well because he had 1-1 tuition. Do people assume he also went to school/college? He didn't! He had that tutoring and then revised out of books for the other hours. He's a very smart young man and I'm immensely proud.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 26/08/2016 18:45

Tbh some mumsnetters dont like Bs and Cs in real life its quite ordinary decent grades

heateallthebuns · 26/08/2016 18:46

He might decide to go to uni after a year or two if he doesn't enjoy sainsburys or he might really enjoy it and progress up. Win win either way.

MrsJayy · 26/08/2016 18:46

Your son did great

OverlyLoverly · 26/08/2016 19:16

You haven't wasted your money. He has three decent A'level grades. There are plenty of great options for BBB students if he changes his mind later on and decides to go to Uni as a mature student. BBB will also be perfectly acceptable for many jobs.

This generation is going to be working into their 70's so if he takes a while to find out what he wants to do then I don't see that as an issue.

The graph shows the age distribution of Uni applicants and acceptances for 2015 It's on page 154 of The UCAS End of Cycle Report 2015 - suffice to say that loads of people go to Uni as mature students.

To be a bit gutted that DS is now not going to uni and has got a full-time job in Sainsbury's?

SquinkiesRule · 26/08/2016 19:33

You haven't wasted your money, he has A levels he needs to progress if he does decide to up through the ranks of Sainsburys.
A year full time doing all those jobs no one wants as they have been there longer, will probably help him to make a better decision about his future and he may well go onto Uni.
But then again, some do well climbing the ranks of shops like Sainsburys without a Degree.

RebelandaStunner · 26/08/2016 20:29

Take heart that you have given him the support he needed at the time but he has decided to do something else instead.
He wants to earn. My DS is the same and although we talked to him about uni he just wasn't interested.

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