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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like when people invite others along?

167 replies

NoCapes · 26/08/2016 11:11

I have a friend who every single time we plan to do stuff with the kids (we're only really friends because of the kids) will always let me know about 10 minutes before that "oh so and so from school/slimming world/the house next door is coming too"
I'm not the most sociable butterfly and it really pisses me off
AIBU?

OP posts:
TealLove · 28/08/2016 17:27

I think it sends out the message that your company isn't good enough for them.

Snowshimmer · 28/08/2016 18:03

YANBU it happened to me recently when I was going to a resturant with 2 friends. They invited someone I didn't know and then had conversations about other people they know but I don't. RUDE.

phoenix1973 · 28/08/2016 18:10

Yanbu
My mum invited us for Christmas Day.
We turned up to find her weird neighbours were also invited.
His party trick was calling me a mong and taking the piss out of ds people.
I do not have ds.
The neighbours then had a tiff, with her sitting with us with a face like a slapped arse whilst glaring daggers at mr. whilst he sank numerous beers and spouted more diatribe.
I was not happy because we were not told beforehand. I would not have gone there had I known.
I did tell my mum afterwards that I would not like to spend that with them again. Luckily, she felt the same way.

Janey50 · 28/08/2016 18:10

No YANBU. I had a friend years ago who used to do this on a regular basis and it used to piss me off big time. It's one of the reasons that we are no longer friends. Even worse was when she would bring her DP along,plus another friend or 2 or 3, with their DPs,when I was single. She did this when we went out for a meal for my 30th birthday. And didn't think it necessary to tell me beforehand. Talk about making me feel like a bloody spare part. Angry

Janey50 · 28/08/2016 18:12

phoenix - excuse my ignorance,but what is 'ds'?

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 28/08/2016 18:27

It was inconsiderate to spring it on you without more notice. Say firmly that this is the case whenever this happens and she should get the message unless she's completely clueless.

FreshHorizons · 28/08/2016 19:01

I can't see what is wrong with being kind and welcoming someone new- it is very selfish to cut them out.

Dahelle · 28/08/2016 19:24

YANBU totally agree. It's just awkward. 3 is a crowd when it comes to certain activities. I have cancelled on friends who do this as I don't fancy spending my precious (as its scarce) spare time being left out of conversations. It's different if you both know the friend equally or it's a one off to introduce a new friend but doing it regularly for no good reason is not on.

2rebecca · 28/08/2016 19:46

Some people seem to be deliberately misunderstanding this. people aren't saying they never ever want to meet new people. They are just saying that if you have agreed to meet up, particularly when it is with just 1 other person it's rude and selfish to turn up with someone in toe that people don't know or aren't expecting or to try and get them invited at the last minute.
The time to suggest bringing someone else along is when the meet up is organised. You then say "I'd love to come and is it OK if I bring x" People can then either say yes or no.

sambly · 28/08/2016 19:49

You say you are only friends because you have children. Maybe she can feel that distance but is seeking deeper friendships that you are not. Actually could be 101 reasons.
If you need to meet 1:1 it's probably best to just say that though

Mycraneisfixed · 28/08/2016 19:51

I hate it too. But it's an introvert/extrovert thing. Extroverts don't realise how confronting this is to introverts.

HibernoCaledonian · 28/08/2016 20:00

Janey50 Going by the horrible insult used I'm going to guess that DS stands for Down Syndrome in that post.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 28/08/2016 20:14

I find it rude when it's short notice, depends on situation.

Don't mind extra people tagging along to a group outing (so long as it's not one where tickets have been booked Hmm).

I had a friend who often did this, most of the time it wasn't an issue but it did annoy me when we went to a class where you paired up and she brought one extra person, that I'd never met.

Someone else who was a friend of a friend asked if they could bring four people to my birthday meal... It was a very low key gathering of a few friends not a banquet! I said no!

Roversandrhodes · 28/08/2016 20:40

One of my friends does this and it's fucking annoying ,once she invited me to her new house then last min I found out she had invited a friend of hers who I also knew and disliked (we all worked together ) , too.I had to tell her on this occasion that I wouldn't be coming as I didn't care for the other girl .It pissed me off so much .Shes done is since as well but fortunately only the odd time and with people who were actually mutual friends with ,still irritating though

PurplePenguins · 28/08/2016 21:23

I have a friend who always arranges meeting when her husband can came. I'm single so always feel like a gooseberry. Can't really have a proper girly chat either. YANBU x

ginger1976 · 28/08/2016 21:23

Ugh l hate this if l have made plans to meet someone l look forward to it and having someone else there can be really awkward

selly24 · 28/08/2016 21:36

Consensus seems to be thus is rude and abrasive. In short, don't do it mumsnetters!

Astoria797 · 28/08/2016 23:13

YABU. My sister will often invite me for kid related get togethers so she can get to know the mums (and have a few bevvies if the opportunity arises), and I can look after dear neice & drive her back.

littleprincesssara · 29/08/2016 00:02

I'm an extreme extrovert and have loads of friends and I hate it too. I think it's rude.

I love meeting new people but if I want to spend quality time with my close friends solo, I think it's a reasonable expectation not to have strangers turn up.

mumindoghouse · 29/08/2016 00:30

YABU. IMO no big deal. Enjoy meeting others. Expand your universe. You only live once

BurnThisDiscoDown · 29/08/2016 00:47

One of my friends does this a lot, I'll turn up at a pre-arranged meeting and someone I don't know or don't know well will be there too. Then there's awkward forced chit chat before either friend and random have a lovely chat about someone I don't know/an event I wasn't at while I feel like a spare part, or they'll both ask me questions to get me talking and I feel like I'm being interrogated. I'm not unfriendly or antisocial but I get quite anxious about social situations so I like to know exactly who's going to be there, and I'm quiet until I know someone well. I feel like the random is thinking "what a boring drippy mouse, no wonder X invited me as well".

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/08/2016 05:18

I'm beginning to suspect that all the "YABU you should be kind and expand your horizons/friendship circles etc." people are in fact the ones who would invite randoms along to a meet up with a close friend and expect them to like it.

LellyMcKelly · 29/08/2016 06:27

YANBU - a group of 4 of us used to go out together. Their kids all go to the same school. Then one of them invited 2 other mums from the same school, and now all they do is talk about that school for the whole evening. I had no idea who they're talking about. I had to stop going in the end.

Confusednotcom · 29/08/2016 06:38

Yanbu. I'd be tempted to say, oh I'm glad you've found someone else to go too, I could really do with getting some jobs done this afternoon but didn't want to let you down - can you and I catch up next week instead?

Yasmin737 · 29/08/2016 08:53

Why don't you say so quite directly to her? I would if it was getting me down that much. She can then decide whether the friendship is vsluable enough to continue on a one to one.