Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like when people invite others along?

167 replies

NoCapes · 26/08/2016 11:11

I have a friend who every single time we plan to do stuff with the kids (we're only really friends because of the kids) will always let me know about 10 minutes before that "oh so and so from school/slimming world/the house next door is coming too"
I'm not the most sociable butterfly and it really pisses me off
AIBU?

OP posts:
HerdsOfWilderbeest · 26/08/2016 13:28

YANBU. Awkward

Notso · 26/08/2016 13:44

It pisses me off. I go to a group and we had a few nights out together that were great.
Then on the next night out one person invited her best friend, then another person invited her sister and sister in law. Now I don't bother going because I'm the only one who doesn't invite anyone.

eggyface · 26/08/2016 17:31

Well it depends. When I started being at home with children I wanted to meet new people and make new acquaintances so was delighted when people widened the group this way. I still feel that it's better to be the welcoming sort of person who is open to new people and new experiences than a sort of closed-minded type who has already decided who they want to be friends with and doesn't want any more. I mean in most cases ffs it's about doing stuff with the children to pass the day. Everyone in a sense is a work colleague and it's nice to be pleasant.

Otoh if you want to be intimate friends with someone you need regular one on one time and a certain amount of undivided attention. So if someone I liked never seemed to want to do this with me I'd assume they didn't really like me that much. In which case they could still bring along their randoms, the upshot would be the same. Perhaps the random could become my new bff...

MermaidTears · 26/08/2016 18:20

I'm with you on this one op although I expect loads of posters will come along telling us we are miserable sods haha

MY best friend does this.

Always without fail a mum friend fr her daughter's school.

It changes the dynamics massively. Not just us, (I'm usually looking forward to a juicy gossip or catch up about private things that are going on in our lives. So when another mum there it all stays pretty friendly but superficial conversation) but also the children. Our DDS are great friends BUT as its another girl her DD goes to school with they tend to group up together more and leave mine out slightly, not on purpose. Threes a croud and all that.

Plus last time this happened at a payday at her house and the other mum clearly wasn't expecting me to turn up. I could tell she was really uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of me and he kept faffing about with a blanket, despite me joking to her not to worry as I flopped mine out anywhere Wink

It just does change the dynamic.

Rainbunny · 26/08/2016 19:18

I never mind more people joining an outing, the more the merrier... BUT... I dislike it when I don't get advance notice and they just show up. I'm fairly social but I do need to put myself in the right frame of mind, it's not always easy to "switch on" if people I don't know well suddenly show up when I was just expecting a good friend whom I'm more comfortable.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 26/08/2016 19:26

YANBU.

ShatnersBassoon · 26/08/2016 19:32

I'm obviously far more flexible and sociable than I'd realised, being in the tiny minority who doesn't mind this.

I've made some good friends by being the one invited along and from having a surprise companion on a day out (we've moved around so I'm always looking for new friends Blush), and created friendships by introducing one friend to another.

I must remember to check if it's OK in future though. It's honestly never crossed my mind that anyone wouldn't be anything but grateful to have an option other than me to chat to Blush

Rollonbedtime7pm · 26/08/2016 19:33

YANBU - as a PP has said, it changes what you planned to catch up on and chat about. You end up with that achey smile plastered on your face as they talk about something hilarious and you can't join in cos it's about their work/other friend/whatever makes them know each other - soo annoying!

redlittlesquirrel · 26/08/2016 23:05

YANBU

I have a friend who does this all the time. I am now at the point where I feel like I have to double check who is going to be there all the time (though he has a new girlfriend so I can just assume she will be everywhere now).

I am naturally quite shy so I do find it awkward if I'm suddenly having to socialise with someone I've never met before. He's known me for over a decade, so he knows that I can't relax as easily if there's someone there I don't know, but he still does it. It drives me crazy and does put me off meeting up with him.
Sometimes he will text and say "blah blah is coming too" but if he does, it's usually in the same text as the one to say he's leaving (he's also frequently late so I tend to not leave until I know he's definitely on his way), so I never get much notice.

As others have said, it is rude.

TendonQueen · 26/08/2016 23:14

I've had this happen with one person I know a few times. It was when I ended up going somewhere I hadn't planned on, and didn't really like, for lunch because it was what person three wanted, that I decided I was fed up with it.

You need to say 'oh, I didn't realise, I'll leave you to it and we can have a proper catch up another time'. Don't be persuaded with 'no, it's fine! It'll be FUN'; stick with 'no, really, it's ok, I'll meet you another time'. This may take multiple goes but if you do it consistently they get the message.

It may also turn out that they have relegated you to 'lower value friend, only worth meeting up with if can multitask and meet another friend at same time', but in that case you're better off knowing about it anyway.

alicescaterpillar · 26/08/2016 23:40

I had a friend like this - invite you to something then once accepted tell you someone else was also coming. Very annoying. I like meeting people but would also like to know in advance what the offer actually is.
OP - YANBU

MorrisZapp · 26/08/2016 23:51

I have a dear friend who used to do this. I told her I didn't like it and now if we're meeting up its just us, or she'll text me before asking the other person.

It's mis selling in my view. You think you're getting one kind of night out when in fact it's another kind entirely.

Another thing I've had to cure her of is ringing up and saying 'are you busy next Tuesday?' thus forcing me to be honest about my availability before I've heard whether she'd like to go for beers or a great film with me, or whether she wants me to attend Sandra from work's direct selling evening in a Toby Carvery.

Just no.

Crunchymum · 26/08/2016 23:55

I remember years ago going to a picnic where I was the "uninvited" one.

Dear friend invited me to join her and about 10 mummy friends for a picnic. What a bunch of cunts they were. Not one of them spoke to me / acknowledged me or my child. Had my dear friend not made a big 'here is my friend Crunchy and her DC' announcement I'd have assumed they all thought I was some loon who had joined them randomly and started pinching their food I had my own food which I added to the 'main' food laid out and no fucker thanked me for my homemade wares or invited me to take any food

It was so bizarre I pulled me friend up on it - oddly the group disbanded not too long after.

Be nice to outsiders, they have feelings too!!!

paxillin · 27/08/2016 18:01

But then they were a group of 10 mums and you were a random joining uninvited as far as they were concerned. They might have assumed your friend will entertain you. I'd be angry with your friend for inviting you along clearly not checking with the others.

paxillin · 27/08/2016 18:08

I'm trying to say they might not have been cunts, but just busy talking to the people they came to socialise with. When I'm out with ds's school friend parents, I don't tend to make new connections unless they are parents of a new kid in class. Randoms do come along, but I'm there to meet some people I know, not to date so don't tend to connect.

selly24 · 27/08/2016 18:23

YA most Definitely NOT BEING U dear OP !
I am massively social and love meet new people, but I feel inviting others without asking/mentioning it to the 'host' (and in my opinion, the host of kids activitiy/meet ups is the person who suggested the activity/ location or in who's home it is held) is an absolute no no!
Even if the host invites someone, they should mention it to other attendees.

I think it is rude as if saying 'you being there is not enough/special enough'

Botanicbaby · 27/08/2016 18:31

YANBU

I hate this too. Esp if they do it regularly. A one off I could deal with but persistent inviting someone else among last minute would piss me off too.

I know someone who always seems to invite her husband along, he turns up at venue we're at later and it totally changes the group dynamic. He's a nice guy but it pisses me right off every time.

Arfarfanarf · 27/08/2016 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

y0rkier0se · 27/08/2016 18:40

YANBU I have a friend who always does this, even invites her mum along when we've arranged to do things and it totally alters the dynamic. We had plans for tomorrow and this week is the first time i've stood up and said actually that doesn't work for me, enjoy doing what we'd planned to do together with your other friend and we'll do something else just me and you on another occasion.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/08/2016 18:41

I found thing happened only with children related friendships and was more about potential children friendships than the adults.

So, so true. I had this situation and tbh, it totally pissed me off too. I then realised that she was not wanting to be friends with me but rather expand her network for her children. Tbh, that pissed me off even more.

purplefizz26 · 27/08/2016 18:41

I knew someone who did this a lot.

Once, we went to soft play with the kids and her mum, sister in law and cousin all turned up with other family kids.

Instead of 2 mates having a coffee while the kids played, which was my idea, I ended up feeling like an intruder on a family outing! Angry

paxillin · 27/08/2016 18:42

Even bigger groups such as the one Crunchymum mentioned can be changed by this. We often meet with mums and dads from one school class. Yes, we picnic and drink, but the focus is firmly on the school. I'd not meet all of them if it wasn't for the kids, much like OP's scenario. It is fun nonetheless. One of them used to bring randoms and they were often not well integrated because it is the XYZ school's Year 4 parents' meetup. Some of us only have the kids in common to start with, I have zero interest in meeting my kids' friends' parents' friends.

JenLindleyShitMom · 27/08/2016 18:42

I struggle one on one with people so I am always relieved if there is going to be another adult there. Takes the pressure off me to make conversation. I freeze and can't think what to say. Even with friends I've had for 10 years.

neveradullmoment99 · 27/08/2016 18:43

I think it is rude as if saying 'you being there is not enough/special enough'

And i have totally felt like this. And then i felt there was another agenda. See above.

PurpleTango · 27/08/2016 18:58

YANBU! It really pisses me off when people do this. "Hey Purple how do you fancy going to soft play next Tuesday. Just me you and the kids. We have lots to catch up on". "Yes that would be lovely. It would be great to see you - Little Josephine and Joanna get alone really well. Its lovely to see them together. See you Tuesday". Cue Tuesday " Hi Purple my friends and her 3 children will be coming to soft play too. She's ok. We are just leaving. See you there in 20 mins". Hurumphh!!

After this happening so many times now I just say "Ah I'm glad you have company, only my friend just called to ask if I can see her today. I didn't really know what to say as I didn't want to invite her along with us as you don't know her and sometimes a threesome can be awkward. But that worked out just fine. You meet your friend and I'll meet mine. Maybe we could catch up next week".

Then I take my children to a different soft play centre and chat to another lone mum and her children there.