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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not like when people invite others along?

167 replies

NoCapes · 26/08/2016 11:11

I have a friend who every single time we plan to do stuff with the kids (we're only really friends because of the kids) will always let me know about 10 minutes before that "oh so and so from school/slimming world/the house next door is coming too"
I'm not the most sociable butterfly and it really pisses me off
AIBU?

OP posts:

ShiftyLookingBadger · 27/08/2016 21:30

YANBU. I HATE this, my bestfriend does it all the time. She doesn't ask, she just says "Shifty, Helen is coming to. See you there". I figure it's not so bad if she's been the organiser, but when I've organised our meet and she brings a random I think it's so rude. AND insulting as then I think "am I so boring that you feel like you need to bring a back up?!“ Having said that, she is that kind of person that feels compelled to include people, like they are injured sick animals that need her help so I know it comes from a good place.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 27/08/2016 21:38

If you don't like large gatherings, especially with people you do not know at all or very well, why should you be made to feel unreasonable? Is it unreasonable to have depression or anxiety or stress in which you have to bow out of social events? I get a bit at anyone who would make such a flippant comment that 'people' are being unreasonable because of this. It also makes them ignorant of mental health issues too by trivialising things that can be immense social challenges to others.

I become anxious amongst people I KNOW rather than don't know, IYKWIM. I became anxious at a staff meal out as there were 65 people - a massive increase in just 5/6 years. I have vowed never to go on a staff night out again. I felt like i had 65 eyes watching me and observing me so it made me nervous. Yet went to my DH's Christmas Do and look forward to them with 400 people and feel fine! It was because I only knew a small handful of people. I bowed out of a theme park visit because there were 11 mums and kids going. I didn't go to a party because the mum invites EVERYONE in the village and being there scared the hell out of me. In fact, children's parties are becoming a 'no-go zone' for me.

I prefer having the closeness of a few good friends rather than trying to spread myself thinly. What happens is that friends break off into little groups when in large gatherings and I tend to worry about where I fit. I get paranoid because I wonder that this and that person aren't speaking to me because I am not fun or I am weird etc. I also don't like everyone's attention on me either.

YANBU. Don't allow anyone make you feel inferior, weird or unreasonable JUST BECAUSE you don't like being in a large social gathering.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/08/2016 21:43

Yanbu Dsis does this, she doesn't even give me a heads up and rocks up with yet another Mum friend that's a total stranger to me. They end up having a nice old time chatting whilst I end up getting dumped with their wild DC

Sadly I try to keep contact with her to a minimum, as much as I'd like to see her/DC, it hurts to be very obviously used as free childcare.

Yogimummy123 · 27/08/2016 22:01

YANBU. I've thought of doing this quite often, also at short notice as I'm not very organised & always in the way that if I've mentioned a meet up to another friend with similar aged kids I feel rude not inviting them. BUT I don't do it cos it's a bit rude at short notice & puts the original person I'm meeting in a difficult position if, for any reason (& you never know what's going on with someone, they could have myriad of reasons - kids don't get on, feeling delicate, social anxiety, had something they wanted to speak to you about confidentially), they don't fancy meeting up with added people. You've at least got to give someone enough notice to opt out gracefully..

FreshHorizons · 27/08/2016 22:18

I can see that you would be upset if it was a particular friend that you wanted to spend time with, but since she is just a convenient acquaintance, because of the children, I can't see that it matters.

Shoppingwithmother · 27/08/2016 22:27

I have/had a friend who repeatedly did this at my own fucking house!

One thing was that we had a mutual friend who lived in another town whom she saw much more often than I did. If said friend mentioned she was coming to see me she would just turn up without even telling me, let alone asking.

She also suggested she drop round one day. I said no sorry I'm busy as the midwife is coming to take my stitches out. She said it's ok I'll come anyway as I know her. I said no I'm having my stitches out.

An hour later she turned up ringing the doorbell while the midwife is there.....and has also brought a random fucking stranger with her!

I did not let them in.

MaudlinNamechange · 27/08/2016 22:35

the worst is when there is a thing you particularly want to do, in a particular place, so you say to your friend "Let's go to that café / see that film / go to that antique shop / go to that orgy / whatever". and your friend says "yes" and you think "yay, next Saturday I get to do a cool thing with my lovely friend!"

Lovely friend invites person y. you're kind of nodding along when they break the news about this. It doesn't make that much difference - it's just a movie / café / orgy, anyone can go, lovely friend is just being lovely and friendly, sure I can deal with it (even though person y is boring and tells long stories about themselves with the inevitable punchine "and that's why I was right", and otherwise echoes things you have just said as if they have just thought of them and you are supposed to laugh as if it is their joke, becayse they look around for applause, even you you just said it. But never mind, live and let live, etc etc etc)

and then person y goes "well, I can't really make 11, let's make it 2pm. And I've always wanted to go to a carboot sale that specialises in rabbit hutches, so let's go to that instead. And I don't fancy that café, there is a burger van at the carboot sale which does great burgers made of fleas. GREAT! CAN'T WAIT!"

And you are supposed to go along with it.

2rebecca · 27/08/2016 22:45

I think if a friend recurrently did this I'd be asking them not to invite other people along in future if we plan to meet up as I'm not wanting to make small talk with strangers but chat to her.
Inviting randoms along is really rude, especially when she knows them and you don't.
I'd just tell her this and say you get the feeling she prefers large groups as she always invites extra people along at the last minute where as you prefer small groups and to know who you are meeting when you arrange to go somewhere.

nicenewdusters · 27/08/2016 22:45

Maudlin

SabineUndine · 27/08/2016 22:54

YANBU. I used to go on holiday with a vary gregarious friend and she invited a male friend to share the room with us one year and only told me after I'd bought my flight. I was fuming. The holiday did not go well.

2rebecca · 27/08/2016 22:58

I don't think it's "kind" to bring someone along to a pre-arranged social event with one person. It may be nice for the waif and stray but you know them and have chosen their company. The other person has chosen your company.
If you want to invite someone along then do it when the meeting is first suggested. I also think 3 is an awkward number. You are better dragging along extras to group events, and even then I'd check everyone is happy with it when the event is being arranged.

paxillin · 27/08/2016 23:15

It's often unpleasant for the dragged along uninvited friend, too. It can be so embarrassing to realise you weren't meant to be part of the activity and only your inviting friend knew you are coming. I felt a real gate crasher and billy no mates when it happened to me.

MoonStar07 · 27/08/2016 23:35

This happened to me a couple of times. In fact it was a planned trip to a farm. We turned up as a family expecting to meet the other family. Which we did...then randomly (or so I thought) bumped into another family. It turned out our friends had invited them along (I only worked this out through listening to conversation I wasn't told not sure they were told about us)! Very strange as I kept wondering why is X and her kids and husband following us around this farm? Anyway I no longer talk to that mother. She turned out a bit needy, show offy, turning point was when she used words like sexy to her 3-4 year old son and told me constantly about her sex life?! What the hell tmi. She's a goner.

2rebecca · 27/08/2016 23:37

I think if I realised I was uninvited I'd be telling my "friend" never to do that to me again and just tell me if she has already made plans.

Notso · 27/08/2016 23:52

Brilliant Maudlin

QuodPeriitPeriit · 27/08/2016 23:54

My friends and I do this - if we know someone's new to the area, or feeling lonely and think they'd get on well with our group we'll invite them along. I've made some good, lasting friendships that way.

No one I know has a problem with it, we're all welcoming - how else do people make new friends?

I'm actually a bit reserved and don't find small talk easy, but I must be more social than I realised!

FreshHorizons · 28/08/2016 07:52

I think that people are missing the point. OP said that it wasn't a particular friend, just a convenient acquaintance because of the children, that makes it different in my eyes -why does it need to exclude others if it is a mere convenience?
I agree Quod - it never ceases to amaze me how insular a lot of MN posters are- makes it very difficult to meet and make new friends.

JennyOnAPlate · 28/08/2016 07:58

It would annoy me too. I don't want to socialise with people I don't know...I hate small talk.

GoldFishFingerz · 28/08/2016 08:09

75% of the time I hate this. The times I don't mind are when the add on is a mutual good friend. The times I hate this is when having the add on equates with superficial chat. It can effect the dynamics deeply and results in not enjoying the date. One girl did this a lot to me and in the end, when she said 'I hope you don't mind I've invited x along', I said 'actually I just wanted to meet up with you so let's rearrange for another time'. It was fine after that.

barefootinkitchen · 28/08/2016 08:18

YANBU . I don't like this either. You sometimes look forward to the kind of conversation you only get one on one. If there are more people the conversation stays all superficial and small talk like. It becomes a waste of time meeting up.

TransformersRobotsInDaSky · 28/08/2016 08:19

It wouldn't bother me at all but I have enough sensitivity to know that it might bother others so wouldn't do it myself.

I have a friend who spud do something like this but I love her for it. She can't bear for anyone to feel left out and is the first person to head to the shy guest at a party, she's fab.

GoldFishFingerz · 28/08/2016 08:30

If it wasn't a particular friend, a bigger meet up can make it difficult to get to know others better but is more manageable

Jaguar16 · 28/08/2016 08:31

YANBU. A former friend always did this, either bringing another random along or her husband ffs, even when I said I wanted to talk about going through a shit time (mc) - that was the final straw for me. I felt like I wasn't important enough for her. We used to live together so had been very close.

Oh well. You can't stay friends with everyone for ever.

FoxInABox · 28/08/2016 08:32

I have a few friends who do this- one in particular doesn't even tell me so I will turn up to find others there too. It's left me feeling paranoid that she finds me too boring or doesn't like me enough to spend time alone with me.

2kids2dogsnosense · 28/08/2016 08:42

I also detest it when friends that you are meeting for coffee or a meal turn up with a kid or two in tow. I don't mind if the babysitter or whatever has gone down with beriberi or had some other emergency, but when it's "Oh, she gets bored sitting with her dad so I brought her with me." it pee's me off right royally.

I've done my time. I want adult conversation and a bit of peace and quiet - certainly don't want to be up and down and guarding my words and avoiding particular topics because there's a four-year old clambering all over the shop. (Because I can tell you now, the women who do this are almost always the ones who let the kids run riot!)

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