Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like when people invite others along?

167 replies

NoCapes · 26/08/2016 11:11

I have a friend who every single time we plan to do stuff with the kids (we're only really friends because of the kids) will always let me know about 10 minutes before that "oh so and so from school/slimming world/the house next door is coming too"
I'm not the most sociable butterfly and it really pisses me off
AIBU?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 27/08/2016 19:21

"will always let me know about 10 minutes before that "oh so and so from school/slimming world/the house next door is coming too""
To which my response would be 'Oh well just you two go then, I don't want to feel like a gooseberry'. And when she protests, 'Well I arranged to meet with you, I didn't arrange to meet a stranger. It's a totally different dynamic with three people and I just don't fancy it.'

She'd need some front to pull the stunt again.

amusedbush · 27/08/2016 19:48

YANBU, I bloody hate this. I have AS so can't bear to have anything sprung on me at the last minute. Luckily my friends know how I am and are very accommodating.

NattyTile · 27/08/2016 20:04

Have a friend who would do this all the time. She is someone who genuinely believes the more, the merrier. I'm much happier with smaller numbers and really struggle with people using know it wasn't expecting.

It was always done with the best of intentions - she wanted to catch up with all her friends at once, she thought we'd get along really well as we had so much in common, she was so used to networking professionally that she continued it privately too.

In the end, i and another friend used to just spell it out to her that we wanted to spend time just with her, not with her and randomers.

So now we see her less often, but we see her properly when we do see her, rather than seeing her back as she works the room. Works for us, works for her.

NotWeavingButDarning · 27/08/2016 20:04

YANBU. My sister does this frequently. I hate it.

Lorelei76 · 27/08/2016 20:13

I hate this too
it doesn't happen often but...
I posted about a really horrible gathering I had to attend to last week

a few nights before, I had dinner with my friend separately because i knew I wouldn't talk to her properly at the horrible gathering with her horrible in laws

she told me at dinner that the SIL had spoken to her on the phone that day, and on hearing that she was out for dinner with me, said "ooh shall I come along?" I fecking hate this woman btw. My friend told her "no, you are seeing Lorelei this weekend, there is no need". Luckily it was only round the corner from work - if that woman had turned up I'd have feigned illness and gone home.

Generally I think it's bizarre to invite other people along to a 1:1 arrangement and if you want to, you check first. People who invite themslves are just rude.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/08/2016 20:23

talk to her about it
Tell her you won't be coming then
Leave
Don't turn up

happyglamper · 27/08/2016 20:29

YANBU - doesn't happen so much now DS is older, but when it does it's irksome - and changes the dynamic not only between the adults, but the children too.
DS has a great friend who when they are 1:1 are inseparable, when another random (although I know her a bit more from the amount of 'do you mind if such and such comes too' meet ups) mum and son turn up the whole thing turns on it's head - my DS doesn't like the random, friend of DS is torn and it's 2 hours of torture really. All ended when random child sent my DS a message on X box live saying he was a fucking dickhead ...they don't get invited by friend anymore (they are 10 Shock )

I'll happily chat away to most people, but it is annoying when you have looked forward to a 1:1 catch up and it's altered.
Interesting to hear the perspective of those who enjoy a random, or feel they don't want to leave someone out - I have never considered that!
hate being a random too..awkward

whensitmyturn · 27/08/2016 20:39

I don't understand most of these replies, fair enough if you were cooking dinner for you and a friend and they turned up with a random, but soft play? Nights out? Picnics? I don't get the problem.

Most of my friends either do this or I've done this and most of the time it's because we're friendly and don't like leaving people out especially if they're having a bad time in their lives.

Look at how many posts are on here about having no friends or unfriendly mums at the school gate? Most advice will say to strike up conversations with people or accept as many invitations as you can, but here are many of you actively hating the fact people are bringing someone else along even to the point you'd end the original friendship? Surely you should be glad that you are friends with kind people?

paxillin · 27/08/2016 20:40

It is even worse if you are the random. I was unwittingly a couple of times, called a friend fairly spontaneously and she said " sure we can meet, I'm free". On arrival I realised she wasn't, but tagged me onto something pre-arranged. Really embarrassing to be an uninvited tag along.

EverySongbirdSays · 27/08/2016 20:45

I have a friend who has been known to do this. Always waifs and strays she collects. They subsequently ask for your number and follow you on social media, and when I smoked, bum a cig and then regale with how and why their parents have custody of their kids Hmm

squizita · 27/08/2016 20:46

Whensit YY - soft play dates, park etc are organised for the kids, not as a social occasion for the parents iyswim? You end up chasing younger ones round anyway while someone minds the bags.

YABU if it is a child centric activity and there's another child there for the 2 already going to to have fun with.

YANBU if it's a social for adults eg. Coffee, drink, meal etc.

mantlepiece · 27/08/2016 20:48

Yanbu! I really really hate this.

Have had this happen too many times and now I have no qualms at all in ducking out if it happens.

Sooo rude.

DixieWishbone · 27/08/2016 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cathaka15 · 27/08/2016 20:53

Oh I cant stand it when people do that. Especially if I don't really know the other person. I'm picky with friends.

JellyBelli · 27/08/2016 20:59

OK I'm curious...does she ever invite you as a tag along?

Ohflippinheck · 27/08/2016 21:03

This happened to me. I bought a person into an existing regular group (after checking with friends!) and after a while she started to bring along a different new person each week.
She's genuinely friendly and v sociable and I... am just... not.
So I ended up losing the original group I had put together because I stopped showing up. It was a shame but I think I'd do the same again. I'd be too chicken to say anything.

dowhatnow · 27/08/2016 21:04

I hate it too. It changes the dynamics. I have enough friends. I can't be bothered with inane chitchat with people I don't know and don't want to know. Years ago whan I was younger I like meeting new people. Now I'm old and grumpy, I don't.

StaceyMummyof3 · 27/08/2016 21:18

I feel odd one out most of the time as I'm from Australia (now living in UK with British hubby and 3 beautiful children) and people here have friends they've grown up /went to school with..I've found it so hard to establish friendships. ..I've made mummy friends through eldest Dd starting preschool last sept (most class going to same school this year) been to a couple of child's parties but no other non school catchup. .hopefully it will change through school

DonkeyHotay · 27/08/2016 21:19

YANBU. It's like two in one shampoo and conditioner - half as good.

In my group of friends there are three types of people that do this.

(1) Needy extroverts terrified of being bored
(2) People that like to save their own time by brings different groups together
(3) More the merrier types that know you hate extras but don't care.

If I know in advance, I'll change my plans and not go. I get little time to socialize and it take a lot of planning to arrange a babysitter. I'd rather make alternative plans.

starray · 27/08/2016 21:20

OP, at least she tells you, even if ten minutes before. I've had "friends" bring someone else along without even letting me know....really bad form.

If I want to bring someone else along to a one to one, I always always ask first.

I've also had one to one play dates for the kids and the parent just invites some other kid along as well and not told me at all. It really makes you feel like your friendship is not special at all.

Very very rude.

aisatsana · 27/08/2016 21:21

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable, but then, I don't think she is either tbh. She's probably just a more friendly, outgoing person, who doesn't realise it bugs you.

StaceyMummyof3 · 27/08/2016 21:21

Meant to say i think an extra person might be uncomfortable if they were a stranger but also would be good to meet others...so I don't know how I'd feel

midlifehope · 27/08/2016 21:23

I think YABU bu then I like socialising in groups - it's easier as you can spread the chat around. I hate social engineering and cliquey groups though..... Can't you just chill out a bit?

mygorgeousmilo · 27/08/2016 21:28

I feel like as you are only really friends because of the children, then YABU because if you aren't close, what big difference does it make? I kind of get it on some level but I don't think the other mum was being unreasonable towards you, just maybe a different idea of what your play date should be. I've had this with non-close friends and met some really lovely people and the kids get to widen their social circle etc etc... Not a biggie

AgentPineapple · 27/08/2016 21:29

YANBU I would never invite two friends who don't know each other. If ever I planned to do it I certainly wouldn't do it at such short notice and without checking if it was ok first. I suspect she's doing it 10 mins before, purposely, so you can't back out. It's shit. I might stop arranging things with her if I were you..

Swipe left for the next trending thread