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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like when people invite others along?

167 replies

NoCapes · 26/08/2016 11:11

I have a friend who every single time we plan to do stuff with the kids (we're only really friends because of the kids) will always let me know about 10 minutes before that "oh so and so from school/slimming world/the house next door is coming too"
I'm not the most sociable butterfly and it really pisses me off
AIBU?

OP posts:
Topsy44 · 28/08/2016 08:43

YANBU. I've had friends do this to me. I find it very irritating and rude.

Makes me keep my distance from those who do it.

user1469537355 · 28/08/2016 08:48

YANBU OP I think it's very rude. I've had "friends" who have done this and they are no longer friends

Billyjoelene578 · 28/08/2016 08:56

I've had this a few times (also the change of plan - friend once suggested trip to kids theatre show and McDonald's for my son's bithday, said it's easy to get tickets on day - turned out they had a season ticket and we had to queue for ages and sit separately. Then at end she mentioned her kids had been hungry, so went to McDonald's first. Hard to explain to just-4 year old that there's going to be no actual time with his friends 😞).
Have had the adult version tho, with an old friend I used to see about 3 times a year - once she got a boyfriend she brought him every time (they lived together, so not like they didn't see one another much!). I'd worked with him years ago, and he spent much of the time asking after people I hardly knew, or trying to find out what work our company was involved in (now works for competitor). She and I had always enjoyed NOT talking about work, and she didn't join in these conversations (which were mostly me being vague and trying to change the subject to ANYTHING ELSE BUT WORK!).
I guess it is people trying to be efficient and deal with 2 social activities at once, but there's no point meeting a friend other than to talk to them, so if you're going to multitask them badly and not do that part, you might as well skip it really!?

dansmum · 28/08/2016 09:10

It can make you feel that your company is 'not quite enough', which is horrible. My sister occasionally rings to invite me somewhere, I'm always thrilled ( I don't go out much and she's my only sibling) When I arrive...there's already loads of people there ( her other friends, who are nice) and I see her for about 10 mins, then I'm stuck making small talk with people I hardly know, instead of quality time with her.This used to really upset me, however

I have now learnt if I want her sole attention to book or buy tickets. eg. She rings me " do you fancy Sunday Lunch somewhere?" ( this means there's about 15 of us going for SL and you can come too if you want)....I need to say.." Yes, shall I book a table for two ?" or " Yes, that would be nice...a catch up for just the two of us..." Sometimes I get "Yes...great"( result) and sometimes " We'll erm....theres, X, Y Z, then A and B and their friends C and D...." so then I know it isn't an exclusive event.
Why not use the same trick...I also use " It will be lovely...We rarely get time to chat just the two of us...what a treat" at least then I know !
With a much smaller budget for socialising than her, it helps to know !

2rebecca · 28/08/2016 09:31

I don't think people are insular for not wanting a 1 to 1 chat to turn in to a group activity. I'm in a lot of groups, mainly hobby related. If however I've arranged to meet up with just 1 other person I don't expect that to turn into a group gathering.
If a friend has met a new person and wants to introduce her to folk then I'd expect her to either get her interested in the hobby and bring her to a meeting of the whole group or if she's not in to the activity mention she's got a new friend who fancies meeting people and would I/ other people fancy going for a coffee sometime.
I wouldn't expect the friend to just drag her along to a pre-arranged meeting. That would make me feel keeping the new friend happy is more important than chatting to me.
You can make new friends without pissing off your existing friends.

thelmafitzgerald · 28/08/2016 09:40

IANBU. I hate that too, my SIL does this all the times.

What annoys me is that once you agreed on doing something together it feels rude to pull out last minute because you don't want to socialise with a big group, so you go anyway.

Well I used to. Now I don't care anymore and I just say "sorry let's reschedule for another time".

FreshHorizons · 28/08/2016 09:42

If I am meeting a friend because she is a true friend and we want to have a catch up of course we wouldn't invite anyone else but if it is a friend of convenience, because of the children, I can't see that it matters.

I expect the one here , that OP makes quite clear is not a real friend, knows this and deliberately invites others to make it easier.

FreshHorizons · 28/08/2016 09:48

If it was the school summer holidays and I was being used as a convenience to get the children out, I wouldn't mind -but since I would sense that it was never going to be a real friendship I would invite others.

Original poster
NoCapes · 28/08/2016 10:07

FreshHorizons I'm not sure why you keep calling my friend a "convenient acquaintance" - I haven't called her that once Confused

OP posts:
dranaksjd · 28/08/2016 10:08

I'm really shocked by these responses. I love meeting new people and the more the merrier. I have a large number of friends and feel energised in the company of people.

The only time I would be annoyed is if we were meeting at my house. It's not acceptable to bring anyone else along then.

as long as my friend asks if it's okay, and I can decline anyone else coming along if I just want a catch up one on one, I really don't mind.

I've met two of my closest friends his way.

If you only stay within a very small circle you can lose out on some great friendship.

Arfarfanarf · 28/08/2016 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 28/08/2016 10:58

I don't feel it's because I'm not special enough in my own. Quite the opposite. I'm funny and entertaining in company, and my friend wants to show me off. Which is sweet, but puts my in the position of performing monkey. Especially when the random has nothing to contribute, and just wants to turn up and be entertained. I leave those situations feeling drained.

Collierl2 · 28/08/2016 10:59

YANBU it could be a complement, in that she finds you so very interesting, funny etc she wants to share you with her other friends

MorrisZapp · 28/08/2016 11:01

Cross post. That's exactly the dynamic I have. It's a compliment but I don't want new friends, or to be wheeled out to entertain somebody else's.

FreshHorizons · 28/08/2016 11:02

You had it in the OP NoCapes where you said ' we're only really friends because of the kids'.
If you wouldn't spend time with her on your own then I expect that she senses this and might as well add a few more to whatever you are doing.

FelineLou · 28/08/2016 11:08

Every time she does that say "oh I am not coming then" in a pleasant smiley way. She's 'll soon learn!

TealLove · 28/08/2016 11:10

Incredibly rude when people do this

belgina · 28/08/2016 11:10

I'm actually shocked that there are people who think that it's OK.
Personally if I expect a 1 2 1 meeting, I am generally hoping for a more intimate chat & a 3rd person makes that impossible. I wouldn't mind if it's already a small group & one added.
I also think that if I invite 1 person, then it is rude to invite another, however, if I am the invitee, then if the host adds another, it's not quite so rude, because I think it really should be made clear early on that it is going to be a small group meeting, rather than 1-2-1.
I'm much better at 1-2-1. I'm quite socially anxious and any group over 4 makes me quite uncomfortable. The more the merrier isn't fun for everyone and there is nothing wrong or insular about that. Not everyone is the same.
Equally, as a socially anxious person, being the extra person generally wouldn't help me make friends. It would just make me nervous, unsure what to talk about and probably see me sitting quietly while the other 2 chatted away.

Original poster
NoCapes · 28/08/2016 11:11

We're only friends because of the kids
But we're still friends Confused
And we have done things without the kids Confused not sure where you read that we hadn't??

OP posts:
thepenguinsrock · 28/08/2016 11:15

Perfectly reasonable, one of my pet hates actually 😂 I'm not a people person I like who I like so random people from school 15 years ago or utter strangers turning up to things drives me mad 😠

BummyMummy77 · 28/08/2016 11:22

I have to say I find so many of you having this attitude really surprising!!

I (and most of my friends here) all do this. We're all new comers in a pretty isolated area where people don't trust outsiders and have all actually met this way. We'd all be sat in our houses on our own if you we hadn't done this!

Everyone is always pleased when a new person turns up brought in to the group and we all meet in the evenings with oh's also for big gatherings.

ForalltheSaints · 28/08/2016 11:28

Try and find out why, given it upsets you.

GuinevereBeck · 28/08/2016 11:37

My ex best friend used to do this. Note the ex. I put my foot down when she did it for my birthday meal! I had planned a group of my four close friends who I wasn't seeing much at that point as we were all off at different universities. I had booked the restaurant and was telling her where to meet when she said, 'oh, I've asked X and Y to come along as well (friends of hers, not mine, who I saw occasionally in big groups), hope that's ok'. Well, no actually, it's really not ok!! I made her uninvite them, which she huffed and puffed about. Tough shit. I often wondered what was in it for them too, they barely knew me... Oh well. We're not friends now for a number of reasons, just very different people.

kamchatka23 · 28/08/2016 12:10

I find this really difficult - my best friend (and she is really lovely) does this all the time. I have Aspergers myself, find socialising challenging at the best of times, and also have sensory issues that make it difficult to follow conversations if lots of people are talking at once. What makes it even harder is that my youngest is severely autistic and finds it even harder than I do. She even does it when it's something like a birthday meal out for my son, turning up with loads of other random friends and their noisy children - it descends into chaos and it's just not enjoyable for him anymore. It's got to the stage where I just don't bother inviting her out when it's his birthday anymore.

FreshHorizons · 28/08/2016 14:27

You would have to phrase it differently NoCapes if you wanted me to read it differently- perhaps it just looks very different in print that it sounds if you were to say it.

It does explain to me why there are so many threads where people don't have friends if people are so against, what I would find, a perfectly friendly gesture in the holidays.

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