AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

[MidnightMargaritas]

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

Op I am happy tags are moving in the direction you want. billsykes wrote a measured response.
To consent to the op you need all the facts and that is where the GP was coming from asking the to consider if life circumstances change would that change thing. Really all the problems and long lasting effects for the traumatic experience should be sorted prior to such life changing op but there you go. The DH should definitely not be having a vasectomy as the reason for the sterilisation is the op not wanting to be pregnant again not that there has been a measured family discussion that they do not want more children in fact op said if something happened to their unit it would not change things for her it might for DH.

For those saying re cost of contraception to the NHS. Contraception is funded for by PH which is part of the council and not an NHS expense at all.

BillSykesDog, I absolutely agree with what you're saying but, at some point, it has to come down to the fact that an ADULT makes a decision about her body based on factors that only she has personal experience of.

As another poster said upthread, if we make decisions as an adult then part of that process is to accept the consequences if ultimately we've made the wrong ones but that this shouldn't negate our ability to make them. I don't think it should be up to the medical profession to arbitrarily (using stats) determine who is and isn't fit for sterilisation.

I think the NHS should fund sterilisations for people who want them but NOT reversals. If you want a reversal, you pay for it yourself following the decision that YOU made.

YANBU, and I'm amazed at some of the replies to this thread.

I'm 42. I got my first period aged 14. Therefore, I have 28 child-bearing years behind me, and another 6-8 ahead of me. 34-35 fertile years altogether.

Of which, I only actually wanted children for about 4 of those. Four years of wanting children, out of roughly 35 fertile years.

People saying that the OP has another 20 child-bearing years ahead of her, are missing the point. She does not want more children. She is unlikely to ever want more children. She may - MAY - change her mind. She probably won't.

Regardless - this is her decision to make, and her decision to regret. People regret decisions all the time. Why is this one seemingly so much worse?

Being fertile should not define the op before I was sterrilised the thought of having 20odd years ahead of me made me ill the affect on my mental health was huge my physical and emotional relationship with Dh suffered because the prospect of another pregnancy was devastating for me it isn't an operation so you can have sex its an operation that can change your life.

TheDowager, I think that's an excellent question and I've been giving it some thought...

I'm not the strongest advocate of feminist activism but I wonder if this is somehow tied up in patriarchal belief that men are in charge of women's fertility and child-bearing. To take on the view that actually, a woman can decide for herself if and when she wants to have children would force men to abdicate that power. Imagine... power of a woman's body - given to the actual woman.

Why is it easier for men to have vasectomies than it is for women to have sterilisations?

Unfortunately the NHS cannot fund everything that people want so if the choice comes what would you rather not fund in order to be able to fund sterilisation?
I agree to a certain extent what you are saying thedowager unfortunately those that regret it often do not live like adults with their regrets there are multiple appointments maybe counselling, relationship issues etc etc. A percentage will and do change their minds when they are made to wait so avoiding an op and potential side effects. There are no easy answers.

I'm 33, 4 DC. GP has refused to refer me.

There is something quiet disgusting about a male GP deciding he knows my reproductive decisions better than I do.

Currently have a copper coil and awful heavy periods each month.

I doubt that they think 25 year olds are not old enough or mature enough to make the decision vs. older women. It is more the case that they have a longer time to change their mind than an older woman and therefore they are more likely to do so. It is easy to say that it is a woman's decision to make and regret but the courts may not see it that way. The NHS can't pick and choose who they treat for infertility based on whether they caused the infertility in the first place.
Regardless, it is not the case that 25 year olds are "not allowed" to be sterilised. They can do what they want with their bodies. They just can't force the NHS to pay for it.

Lyingwitch why do you think that? You only have to go on any mumsnet thread about contraception after families are complete to see that so many think it is the mans turn!! Which in itself is a ridiculous statement.

Why is it easier for men to have vasectomies than it is for women to have sterilisations?

Cost

Marynary yes the NHS can, sterilisation is often in the exclusion criteria for fertility treatment along with some other lifestyle choices such as smoking etc

More men ask for sterilisation than women

You're conflating two issues, Bugsy. Contraception where a woman doesn't want to be sterilised (which is a more irreversible operation) is not the same thing as what OP is asking for. OP wants the operation and accepts the irreversibility of it.

Marynary, my brother (no children, doesn't want them) had a vasectomy at 27. I know that at the same age, had I wanted a sterilisation in the same circumstances, I wouldn't have been considered. How would you or anybody else know what is in people's minds and how steadfast the decision was? I'm eminently more sensible than my brother but his decision was right for him and I think as long as the patient-to-be has been sufficiently counselled, their sex and age really should be a matter of indifference.

Marynary... bollocks. If we want to look at cost then you stop funding costly and uncertain fertility treatments before you stop a woman from permanently preventing pregnancy of her own body.

Marynary yes the NHS can, sterilisation is often in the exclusion criteria for fertility treatment along with some other lifestyle choices such as smoking etc

Those exclusion criteria are based whether a treatment is is likely to work, how much it will improve quality of life and (ultimately) cost. The exclusion criteria are NOT based on whether the individual is to blame for their condition.

Sorry Marynary, I didn't mean to leave that 'bollocks' there. I typed that and then a more considered response. The 'bollocks' stayed and should have been lopped off.

How would you or anybody else know what is in people's minds and how steadfast the decision was? I'm eminently more sensible than my brother but his decision was right for him and I think as long as the patient-to-be has been sufficiently counselled, their sex and age really should be a matter of indifference.

I don't know what is going on in anybodies minds but neither does anyone else. That is the whole point. It is impossible to know who will and who won't change their minds in the future. If they do, the NHS may have to pay the cost.

Marynary... bollocks. If we want to look at cost then you stop funding costly and uncertain fertility treatments before you stop a woman from permanently preventing pregnancy of her own body.

You could apply that to everything though.

Do a search of my post history and you'll see that I'm very pro-vasectomy. I definitely think men should step up to the plate.And men who don't are, well, we won't go there...

That doesn't also mean that I'm not fully in support of women who know their own mind, and want to be sterilised. If they want to be, then they absolutely should be. It's nobody else's business.

Marynary, No - you make a decision, you live with it. It's incumbent on the decision-maker to say 1) it's mostly irreversible and 2) we won't pay for any attempts at reversal... so be absolutely certain that you want this.

Across the board, no exceptions. Adults capable of making decisions should be bound by them.

Regarding the fertility treatment, it's not really the same thing. A woman's reproductive system is already in her body and in OP's case, it's the cause of her problems. Where fertility treatment is needed, a baby isn't already there. In my view, we should treat - and fund - the patient as they are, not how they would like to be.

Marynary exclusion criteria re sterilisation and fertility treatment is very much in your category of individual blame. Nothing to do with chances of success etc.

Not sure why you are saying that lyingwitch as I replied to your comment why is it more easy for men to have vasectomies? More ask.

Great result, Midnight. I hope all pans out for you.

Totally agree with the patriarchy comment up thread.

It's twice as bad in NI, because if you can't get a sterilisation and get accidentally preg, you can't have a termination either.

Go figure. ¯\(ツ)/¯

Only the first bit of my post was for you, Bugsy, in answer to your question. Ease of getting a vasectomy isn't because 'more ask' either.

Lyingwitch entirely agree with you make a decision you live with it unfortunately a very significant minority do not and unfortunately that affects the majority due to the impact those significant minority cause as stated above. You get round that by delaying until the significant minority become a very small minority.

Lyingwitch we will have to disagree on that then far far more men ask for vasectomies than females asking for sterilisation.