Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

376 replies

MidnightMargaritas · 25/08/2016 10:11

So basically I have two lovely kids one 6 year old DD and a 15 month old DS. I have been married to their father for 3 years and we have been together 8 years in total. I have always had problems with hormonal contraception. (Losing hair, getting sick, allergic reactions, pregnancy etc) I'm currently on the depo but dont want to remain on it as it seems to be making me even more anxious (i'm on 50mg sertraline). Have also had the mirena coil, implant (x3), cerelle, cerazette (got pregnant on this), microgynon, cilest (got pregnant on this) and used condoms.
After a very traumatic birth with my son (which ended in EMCS), I had terrible aftercare and PTSD so I decided to ask the GP during my therapy if I could be sterilised. I was told I wasn't allowed. At my age too many women regret sterilisation. I was then told I could meet someone else and decide to have children. The GP then said if one of my kids were to die I could still go on to have more. I left it six months and decided to ask again to be told the same thing and its really upset me. I was also told it costs the NHS a lot of money for the Op. What I dont understand is that if I was to have another child I would need a lot of therapy, medication, scans and i'd probably end up needing another c-section. Surely it would be more cost effective to let me be sterilised?
When I knew they werent relenting I asked about my DH having the snip. They said that was also unlikely due to his age.
I'd rather have the op because the thought of me ever being pregnant terrifies me. Even if me and my husband separate I would never want to have another child. I couldn't cope. I couldn't afford to get it done privately (6K)
So AIBU to think that at aged 25 I should be allowed to be sterilised?

OP posts:
monstiebags · 26/08/2016 17:45

I find it quite revolting that pubescent teenagers can be given life changing drugs because they are transgender, and that people can be given ridiculous cosmetic surgery as soon as they are 18, but women cannot be allowed control of their own bodies. Try a different doctor.

thumpingrug · 26/08/2016 17:53

Its your life, its your choice. I had a vasectomy at 26 but had to push for it. No regrets as I knew it to be the correct decision. Ask for a second opinion or for a private referral.

Advicepls7080 · 26/08/2016 18:04

Wish people would RTFT

Marynary · 26/08/2016 18:38

jenniferandjuliansmummy I don't think it is very surprising that the NHS won't pay for you to be sterilised if you are 44. The chances of you getting pregnant if you use contraception are very low and if you aren't already infertile you soon will be.

Bowbow · 26/08/2016 18:46

Can't your husband get the snip? It's a simple op and easy to reverse if needs be.

leatherlane · 26/08/2016 18:51

I was sterilised when I was 25 and had 2 dc, but I had to go private as three different GPs refused to refer me. I found them extremely dismissive and they asked the same horrible question about what if something happened to my dc. It was under £1500 and I had to borrow some of that (on a 0% credit card) and cut back on treats but for me it was worth it for peace of mind and it was certainly better than having to deal with the ongoing expense of an unplanned baby or the trauma of a termination. I had to travel to my nearest clinic (Marie Stopes) and I just used the train (I don't drive either and they don't allow you to drive yourself home after the op anyway).

I hope you manage to get your referral through your consultant, but if not it's worth researching the private options as I found it far less stressful than trying to go through the NHS, the staff at MS were fully understanding and not at all dismissive.

sleeponeday · 26/08/2016 19:24

The snip is £400 privately with Marie Stopes including post op testing - might that be doable in a year or so if you save? I know it's not nothing, but it's a damn sight cheaper than getting yourself done privately.

I think women should be allowed to make their own minds up about their own fertility, whatever age they are. If temporary forms aren't appropriate/don't work, then there should be provision of permanent.

Advicepls7080 · 26/08/2016 19:25

The OP doesn't want her husband to have the snip and she's given her reasons why further into the thread

SoItGoesSophieTrout · 26/08/2016 19:30

You're an adult you should be able to make the decision. So what if you regret it afterwards - tough isn't it, not like you can do anything about it. It's the nanny state in action. Thanks again Blair.

EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 26/08/2016 19:59

It's not the nanny state, it's the doctors' sacred duty not to harm their patients by making an irreparable mistake. You can argue they they're taking it caution too far, but you can't force a doctor to perform an operation that they believe carries an unacceptable risk of harm just because you say it's your choice - the person with the scalpel always has a veto.

debbiedoodles · 26/08/2016 20:11

SomedayBaby I got pregnant on, and then miscarried due to copper coil last year. Five years after fitting. Very traumatic :'( Now struggling to settle with unpleasant alternative options though.
Re OP: I've been certain about things at stages in my life only to feel very differently years later, but I think it's still your choice - we all have to live with regret if a choice turns out bad. Just have to hope our choices end up being right.

HelenaDove · 26/08/2016 21:18

So what is the perfect age to be sterilised then Mary.

The 44 year old poster has said blood tests show she is nowhere near menopause. Im 43 so only a year younger and my periods are still pretty regular.

The cost of treating the diabetes and the legal action will be costing a darn sight more than if the PP just got what she asked for in the first place.

HelenaDove · 26/08/2016 21:19

If someone is sterilized and then regrets it only they are affected.

If someone has a child and regrets it...............

tupperwareAARGGH · 26/08/2016 21:39

I haven't read all the messages but I know exactly how you feel OP to the point I doubt I'll ever have sex again unless they've had the snip.

I'm terrified of getting pregnant, it would destroy me.

I would just keep going back and keep being persistent and ask to see another Dr. You should be able to have one for the psychological distress that would be caused by it.

Hedgehog80 · 26/08/2016 21:40

I disagree helena I was sterilised after I had told the consultant at 34 weeks I didn't want to be and would be using a coil and at 36 weeks two days before cs when I was unwell with a uti they coerced me

I regretted it immediately and it was not just me that was affected. My dh has had to go through hell with me. On some days I've barely functioned and although the dcs needs have been met there obviously has been an atmosphere. I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been through a huge amount of therapy, treatments and counselling. It affected all of us in one way or another

That said, I do strongly feel that sterilisation should be more widely available but the guidelines should be stricter for those requesting it so that they have access to counselling and can make an informed choice in good time not be coerced and bullied two days before the procedure

Danglyweed · 26/08/2016 21:43

The thing is, if a man requests the snip, theyre usually heard. A woman wants sterilised, eh no forget it.

Marynary · 26/08/2016 22:18

The 44 year old poster has said blood tests show she is nowhere near menopause. Im 43 so only a year younger and my periods are still pretty regular.

Women are usually infertile or have very low fertility for a few years before menopause. Even though the average age of menopause is 51, it is very rare for women in their late 40s/early 50s to get pregnant naturally.

PikachuSayBoo · 26/08/2016 22:27

Well if people here want to argue that the doctor wielding the scapel should get the choice what about elective sections for maternal request? Every post on MN I see says it's your right to make an informed choice, etc. But statistically speaking for the mother a section is riskier than a vaginal birth.

If it's ok for women to make an informed choice on that then it should be on this.

Being sterilised has many benefits to a woman who wants it done and if she weighs up the tiny risk of a GA and keyhole surgery then it should be her informed decision.

HelenaDove · 26/08/2016 22:28

Rare is not impossible and for women for whom getting pregnant would be a disaster its not enough.

Marynary · 26/08/2016 23:50

Rare is not impossible and for women for whom getting pregnant would be a disaster its not enough.

It isn't impossible which is why women are supposed to use contraception until the menopause. Before contraceptives the average age for the last child was 42 and by mid forties most women can't conceive naturally. If women in their late forties/early fifties use contraception, the chance of pregnancy will be incredibly low so it wouldn't be a good use of NHS money to pay for sterilisation.

HelenaDove · 27/08/2016 00:06

When i was on the Mini Pill it affected my weight despite the fact i was following the Slimming World plan. I was trying to lose a 4 stone regain which had accumalated over a few years (after an initial weight loss of 10 stone) For the short time i was on the POP i was bloated and felt awful. Funnily enough after stopping said Pill i dropped weight more easily but still following SW.

Ive lost that 4 stone regain but i do NOT intend to take hormonal contraception again Ive worked damn hard to lose this weight It wasnt a fucking overnight sensation.

HelenaDove · 27/08/2016 00:07

DHs ex MIL conceived at 46.

GingerIvy · 27/08/2016 00:09

Just a thought, but if a woman has 2 children, wants to be sterilised, but is refused, her DP/DH wants to get the snip, but is refused... they go on birth control, but still manage to get pregnant....

but hey, they're on benefits and that third child won't be covered on their benefits. Interestingly, the parents have made every effort (except for compete celibacy) to avoid getting pregnant, but they'll be branded irresponsible parents for having that third child, and struggling financially having a child they tried to prevent getting pregnant with.

I struggle with this. I think that they're sending out mixed messages here. On one hand, they don't want people to have babies they can't afford, but when people attempt to make their birth control methods of a more permanent nature, they're not allowed, and forced into a position where they are more likely to get pregnant with a baby they cannot afford. Unless of course the government has decided that only those that can afford another child should have sex now.....

I mean, not to throw a political wrench into the discussion, but there it is.

GingerIvy · 27/08/2016 00:09

complete celibacy... not compete Hmm

MindSweeper · 27/08/2016 00:11

I'm completely torn on this because when I was 24 I was adamant I didn't want kids and actually I was thinking about tubal litigation.

Changed my mind, have a young child.

Not saying everyone has the same mind as me, but I would have been GUTTED if i'd have changed my mind and it had been too late. Yes it would be my mistake to live with, but it's a big mistake to live the rest of your life with.

But I fully support the decision that a woman can do what she wants with her body.