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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Want to keep children away from MIL

87 replies

cinnamongreen · 24/08/2016 15:01

I know I will be ripped to shreds on here but here I go!

To cut a very long story short.....

MIL disrespected us, I was deeply hurt, DH not so much, I want to keep away from her and I want my children to stay away from her, I'd like it if DH felt the same but he doesn't, this also deeply hurts. Now I'm seen as the baddy for protecting my family. Where do we go from here? I do not stop DH seeing/contacting his mother that is his choice. He never did before this anyway it was all me. I feel strongly that I keep my children away from MIL because of her past behaviour which I won't go into but believe me she's a piece of work who is just waiting for something better to come along and will drop you like a hot potato until it all goes wrong and we scrape her back up again.

OP posts:

HoneyBadgers · 24/08/2016 15:02

Unfortunately without knowing what she's done I don't think we can judge it. What's given you the rage might not bother other people.

happypoobum · 24/08/2016 15:04

I don't suppose anyone will be able to give a verdict based on such flimsy information.

Can you give some examples of what MIL has done? What are your fears for your DC of being exposed to MIL?

If you really are "not going to go into" it then there wasn't much point in posting really.

MagnumAddict · 24/08/2016 15:04

You won't be ripped to shreds because we can't make a call on what she's done. Equally no one will be able to give you advice.

Are you able to give details?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/08/2016 15:05

I think you need to flesh this out a bit.

MagnumAddict · 24/08/2016 15:05

You won't be ripped to shreds because we can't make a call on what she's done. Equally no one will be able to give you advice.

Are you able to give details?

Sirzy · 24/08/2016 15:05

Non of us can comment either way without knowing details.

In general though unless very dangerous/abusive I wouldn't try to stop them having a relationship. If she is just not a nice person then the children will make their own view as they get older.

Why doesn't your dh agree with your view?

NerrSnerr · 24/08/2016 15:07

It really depends on what she did to disrespect you. If she didn't have your favourite brand of biscuits in when you visited then yes you're being harsh but if she called you a cunt in front of the children then you're not.

Original poster

cinnamongreen · 24/08/2016 15:52

How do you explain to 6 & 11 year olds that their Nan doesn't want to spent Xmas with them (like she has the past 11yrs) as its to much trouble to drive 2hrs, she now prefers to see her 2 other grandchildren who live 30min away who she hasn't seen more than twice in 8 yrs? The trouble started when she wanted to bring 4 people with her at Xmas to stay with us, people (family) who are toxic and we haven't bothered with each other for years. She didn't respect my explanation of not feeling comfortable with the idea, inside I flipped that she was trying to force these people on us. She said things to my son infront of me which suggested that I was keeping his aunty and cousins away from him, yes with very good reason. MIL instead of being honest lied about reasons why she couldn't come for Xmas, letting my children down. She then spent Xmas with her other grandchildren who she hadn't contacted in many years and live 30min away. She couldn't even remember their ages or birthdays! DH says she's always been like this. Not to me she hadn't which is why really hurt. She is know for being estranged from her children, never being on speaking terms with more than 1 at a time. I don't want my children to be treated as disposable.

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 24/08/2016 15:57

So your MIL is in trouble for not contacting other family. Then in trouble for seeing other family.

She is expected to be with your family unit, and play by your rules?

NoFuchsGiven · 24/08/2016 15:57

MIL instead of being honest lied about reasons why she couldn't come for Xmas, letting my children down.

Did you want her to say to your dc 'sorry I can not come for christmas as mummy would not allow my family to come also'?

It sounds like she has lied to save you the awkward questions from your dc.

MagnumAddict · 24/08/2016 15:58

Maybe start by not dragging your children into it.

You don't have to explain that their nan doesn't want to spend Christmas with them, simply that as she has for the last 11 years it's time for her to spend a Chtistmas with her other grandchildren.

So she wanted to bring other people to you to spend Christmas, you said no, now she's spending it elsewhere.

I feel sorry for your dh, if he's used to drama with his mother it seems he's picked a wife not too dissimilar. Seriously. Pick your battles.

Original poster

cinnamongreen · 24/08/2016 16:01

She can contact who she wants as long as it doesn't bother my family. She tried to inflict them on us at Xmas in our home, it was her way or no way which is why for the first time I said no to her (politely) and the first time she didn't come for Xmas.

OP posts:

zolalola · 24/08/2016 16:03

Sounds to me like the MIL was being very underhand trying to bring the family members whom the OP and her family do not associate with into her home
If she maybe had floated the idea as a family reunion but had an alternative suggestion in case it wasn't okay then she could have been genuine. I think she was being sly and deliberately confrontational

MagnumAddict · 24/08/2016 16:03

So because she doesn't want to spend Christmas with your children you want to cut her out of their life completely?

Massive overreaction unless there is one hell of a backstory

MiddleClassProblem · 24/08/2016 16:04

I can't make head nor tail of this. Sorry OP but I think we're very much only seeing one side of the coin as the things you are upset with her for don't sound like she's an awful person even with you adjectives. It sounds like she is trying to reconnect a family. Maybe she is shit at keeping in contact, maybe there have been fallouts but isn't making a mends important?

She shouldn't have said stuff to your DC but she was right though. You said you don't want those toxic people for Christmas who you haven't seen in a long time so you are keeping them out of your lives.

I understand why you don't want toxic people but it seems like you might be looking at it all emotionally rather than rationally

MagnumAddict · 24/08/2016 16:05

Yeah zolalola imagine trying to bring family together at Christmas! What a sneaky bitch

Original poster

cinnamongreen · 24/08/2016 16:05

I have very good reason to not want anything to do with the extended family she wanted to force on us, MIL crossed a line when she asked my son if he'd like to see them as a way to try and emotionally black mail me.

OP posts:

whattodowiththepoo · 24/08/2016 16:06

Yabu

pussinasda · 24/08/2016 16:06

shes spent the last 8 christmases with you and your family , shes tried to compromise and still have christmas with you but wants to bring the other family along , you have said no.
it sounds like your the one whose saying its my way or no way
maybe shes trying to build bridges with the other family

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 24/08/2016 16:06

She wanted to spend Christmas with some family after 11 Christmases with you. You didn't want to spend Christmas with those people so she made other arrangements.

I really don't see the issue. She didn't show up on Christmas day with a bunch of people.

Using your children to piss her off isn't going to help anyone, least of all your children.

MiddleClassProblem · 24/08/2016 16:09

When you asked how do you explain that she doesn't want to spend Christmas with them

Firstly she never said that so that's you just getting carried away

Secondly you just say "Oh, Nan is having Christmas with x this year". It's not that tricky.

zolalola · 24/08/2016 16:13

Magnumaddict some family members do not deserve or are not fit to be given second chances.

Original poster

cinnamongreen · 24/08/2016 16:15

There has been no contact with extended (toxic) family for years, they are happy we are happy. They are now strangers. Imagine 4 strangers staying in your home for several days at Xmas, cooking for them etc why would I do that?! When MIL asked if they could come I explained that I've heard nothing from them in years and that it wasn't the right way of reconnecting with them. I even suggested (to try and please MIL) we meet up with them for a few hrs half way but that wasn't good enough. You can't go from zero to 100 just like that. The only reason was so that they could see our new house. They've not wanted to visit before we moved into a much nicer house.

OP posts:

Lilacpink40 · 24/08/2016 16:17

I think there's a lot of missing background here that would make this make more sense.

Why are so many of your DH's family toxic?

heyday · 24/08/2016 16:21

You obviously dislike her so surely it was a blessing that she didn't come to yours for Christmas. You are using your children, her DGC as an emotional battering ram. Crikey, it's so toxic between you. I would say keep any meetings as brief as possible. She certainly hasn't done anything to warrant you not allowing your children to see her. Let them carry on their relationship with her; children aren't silly, they will make up their own mind about her. You two, on the other hand, need to spend as little time as possible together. Life can be tough at times, try and let go of this resentment so life doesn't become even harder for the whole family.

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