Want to keep children away from MIL

[cinnamongreen]

I know I will be ripped to shreds on here but here I go!

To cut a very long story short.....

MIL disrespected us, I was deeply hurt, DH not so much, I want to keep away from her and I want my children to stay away from her, I'd like it if DH felt the same but he doesn't, this also deeply hurts. Now I'm seen as the baddy for protecting my family. Where do we go from here? I do not stop DH seeing/contacting his mother that is his choice. He never did before this anyway it was all me. I feel strongly that I keep my children away from MIL because of her past behaviour which I won't go into but believe me she's a piece of work who is just waiting for something better to come along and will drop you like a hot potato until it all goes wrong and we scrape her back up again.

[MagnumAddict]

Couldn't agree more leave

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

This may just be one of those AIBUs where there it's all in the telling and had the OP worded things differently, made herself sound less petulant and spoilt and been much more forthcoming about the specifics of the backstory she might have got more sympathetic and constructive replies.

As it is it's one of those AIBUs instead - the one where the OP sees the way it's going and promptly flounces off in a sulk complaining that we are all a bunch of bitches who refuse to see that she is most definitely in the right.

Even the first line of the OP was 'I know I will be ripped to shreds on here but here I go!'

Deep down she knew she was being out of order before she even asked.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Sorry just reread. Op offered meeting them half way for a few hours in the morning (presumably bringing mil back with them afterwards rather than let her have the full day with her daughter she was reconnecting with). Where would you meet someone half way for a few hours on Christmas morning? A service station?

[DeathStare]

How dare she decline the offer for both her and all of SIL's family to come for a half day visit with a 4hr round trip thinking it wasn't the better offer?

Oh no MiddleClassProblem you've got that bit wrong (I think!)

MIL did offer to bring herself and DD/OP's SIL and DD's children for the four hour round trip half day visit.

It was the OP who refused this as she wants no contact with the SIL. And she was livid with MIL for suggesting it. Because that horrible evil woman is just awful for casually suggesting a way that both her children could maybe get on.

[NoFuchsGiven]

Just popping in to see if op is making any sense yet.

looks round

Nope, no sense to be found here (from op anyway)

[MiddleClassProblem]

Oh my! What a "liar"!

How dare MIL prioritise repairing her relationship with her daughter over Christmas with her so who she already has a decent relationship with? How dare she decline the offer for both her and all of SIL's family to come for a half day visit with a 4hr round trip thinking it wasn't the better offer? Some people!

[Glastokitty]

Oh my god, its almost September and you are still freaking out about who went where last Xmas?! You really, really need to find something else to occupy your mind with, this is utterly bonkers!

It also reminds me that I'm very glad I emigrated a long long way from family drama like this!

[DeathStare]

MiddleClassProblem - if I recall correctly "the lie" was that the MIL made some patially true but not fully true excuse for not coming for Christmas to the OP's children. I can't remember what it was exactly but something along the lines of that she couldn't travel that distance because she had to take care of/visit a sick/elderly relative. Which she did do, but then also spent the rest of the day with her DD (the SIL ) and her children.

This came out when someone else photographed the MIL at her DD's on Christmas Day and tagged her on facebook. The OP is fuming that her DC could see this this, even though - if I recall correctly - the OP's DC are too young to have facebook accounts.

This "lie" from MIL came after:

1. The OP had gone off on one because MIL had suggested they all spend Christmas together including her DD/OP's SIL.
   
2. MIL had told the OP (or st least implied) that in that case she would be spending Christmas with her DD/OP's SIL and OP had expressed her displeasure.
   
3. MIL had mentioned Christmas and the DD/OP's SIL in front of OP's DC and OP had gone off on one for that too.
   

I can certainly understand why MIL fudged the truth with the kids - she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Last Christmas I invited you round
And the very next day you invited my SIL
This year, I'm still in tears
Because I you wanted to see your daughter

[DeathStare]

You've posted about this on here and had similar responses. What were you expecting?

Your MIL chose to spend Christmas with her other child. Nothing wrong with that. She tried to spend it with all of you and you didn't want to. In MIL's position I'd have done exactly the same. That isn't disrespectful, it's family life.

And having seen your posts about this I'm not surprised she lied to you. She probably wanted to avoid all this unnecessary drama you've created for everyone. And if I remember rightly it was more of a white lie/stretching the truth/lie by omission wasn't it?

No she probably shouldn't have said anything to your children about their aunty, but given how much you over-reacting to everything else she does its difficult to tell whether you are over-reacting to that too. But even if you're not, it's not the end of the world. Just ask your DH to ask her not to.

As for what you tell your DC, you should have just told them she's spending Christmas with their aunty. That shouldn't upset them unless you're a drama queen about it as it's a perfectly normal thing for he to do.

Honestly OP you are the one being unreasonable not your MIL and your DH is being a saint not to point that out to you. Stop blaming everyone else and get some perspective.

[Memoires]

Oh, all right - good summary LeavemyWings. So why is there a thread now? This all happened 8 months ago.

What's the problem now, OP? What has happened to bring this all up again?

[Memoires]

This only makes sense if it's next Xmas, otherwise why bother starting a thread like this?

So MIL, who has been either nc or lc with her daughter for some time and therefore hasn't seen her ddd's children for some time, has now made some sort of peace with her, and wants to include her with the rest of her family - son and his wife and kids.

She usually spends Xmas with her son (op's dh) and has asked if her dd and family can too.

OP has no contact with sil & family because nearly 10 years ago, sil tried to split her and dh up, told lies and defamed her own father.

Well, I can see why you wouldn't want her staying with you as well as mil. They are pretty much strangers, and you have no reason to trust them.

Why you're making a fuss about it all is beyond me. You just tell your kids that grandma is seeing her other gcs, and that's it. You can do that easily no matter what your mil tries to do or say.

Meanwhile, why has mil suddenly started seeing the Toxic Ones now? What has happened? Have they been reconciled, has sil stopped lying or was that all a misunderstanding? Has she seen the error of her ways?

[MiddleClassProblem]

So the lie was what mil told DC not op? (Great job btw)

[QuiteLikely5]

That's a great summary! You should be MN resident summary writer

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

I'll try to summerise if I may, MiddleClassProblem

OPs SIL lied to try to split her and DP up and told nasty lies about their stepdad. For this reason OP hates her guts and wants nothing to do with her, DP doesn't much care for his sister either although I suspect he has no choice in that and MIL has been pretty much estranged from her difficult DD for eight years.

MIL did have a good relationship with the OP until she decided to work on the relationship with her daughter. she asked if they could all have a family Christmas together last year and OP and her DP said no way.

MIL said well in that case I am going to spend it with them as you are two hours away and I can't see both sets of kids and grandkids in one day so I am going to spend it with them for the first time in 11 years.

OP throws a fit and says but you ALWAYS spend Christmas with us, how dare you and how could you do this to me when you know how much I loathe your daughter?

MIL says sorry, tough, I'm going. If you want to see me this year then invite us all.

She made the mistake of saying to her grandkids 'you'd like to see your cousins at Christmas wouldn't you?

OP hits the roof. MIL then tells grandkids she won't be there for Xmas and gives a reason that the OP considers to be dishonest or a flimsy excuse.

That was last Christmas. She has cut her MIL out of her life since then, for going against her orders and won't let her see the children and is miffed that her DP still insists on speaking to his mother instead of side with her.

And here we are.

[sophiestew]

Cinnamon it might help if you linked to your previous thread about this? Maybe there is more detail in there that would enable posters to see what you are complaining about?

As it stands you do look like the control freak in this.

[cinnamongreen]

Thanks for tearing me to shreds, it's like the lions den on here. I think I'd be happy if you could all stop now. I'm stressed enough. Kick a dog whilst it's down. Enough.

[MiddleClassProblem]

So toxic is not the SIL? I'm so confused and OP is drip feeding the shit out of this thread.

Have you been NC since Xmas? Or have you carried on? If the latter the what's the problem?

Just answer some questions!!!!!!

[bluebeck]

IIRC the Christmas OP is referring to is last Christmas She is still saying her DC should be NC with MIL because she made up a reason as to why she wasn't coming last Christmas and then spent it with her DC and DGC.

I just can't think why MIL felt she had to lie to you OP - you sound like you would have been so reasonable about it!!! She is probably shit scared of you. Your DH is probably terrified of you too.

[MiddleClassProblem]

I don't understand you are mad he's not backing you up. You want NC and he isn't fussed about contact...

[maras2]

Hang on.You're moaning that your in laws don't want to come to you for Christmas after God knows how many years of you entertaining them,even though DMIL is a 'piece of work'? OMFG! . Now have a word with yourself.Sheesh!

[Ketchuponpizza]

Seriously, I get the protecting your children from toxic sil, and MIL trying to manipulate things for her own agenda. I am in the same situation. Every now and again, I have to clear the air with MIL when she is doing her 'woe is me, my children don't speak' routine. Awful, but it needs to be done. Am sure she calls me worse than shit, but I can live with that.

Its hard for DH though. This is his family, vs his wife. He respects my wishes re: protecting our kids from the toxic one, which is all I can really ask of him. But whatever he choses to do re: contact with toxic family members, is his choice. It isn't a case of backing you up, but more about you respecting his wish to be in contact with his family.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but, seriously, pick your battles.

[WorraLiberty]

Why do you have a problem with your DH not backing you up?

I wouldn't back my DH up either if he was this interfering and controlling.

She's not coming from Christmas. Get over it.

[user7755]

I think we can be forgiven for the confusion as the reason for your anger seems to change each time you post.

The first post, she disrespected you, the second it was because she was going to someone else's house for Christmas, God knows what happened after that!