Want to keep children away from MIL

[cinnamongreen]

I know I will be ripped to shreds on here but here I go!

To cut a very long story short.....

MIL disrespected us, I was deeply hurt, DH not so much, I want to keep away from her and I want my children to stay away from her, I'd like it if DH felt the same but he doesn't, this also deeply hurts. Now I'm seen as the baddy for protecting my family. Where do we go from here? I do not stop DH seeing/contacting his mother that is his choice. He never did before this anyway it was all me. I feel strongly that I keep my children away from MIL because of her past behaviour which I won't go into but believe me she's a piece of work who is just waiting for something better to come along and will drop you like a hot potato until it all goes wrong and we scrape her back up again.

[cinnamongreen]

I gave my children a very watered down reason for her not coming. I felt awful being put in a position where I was covering up her lies. She didn't come out with it and say she wasn't coming and was spending it with others, no she made up awful excuses and lies. I can prove each one of them to be wrong. I'd of respected her more if she'd been honest. For years I actually encouraged her to make contact with the dark side of the family, I felt awful that she spent so much time and money on my children but nothing on her other grandchildren. Now the roles have reversed.

[cinnamongreen]

Lilacpink40 not all of DH's family are toxic only the one person. She tried to split DH & I up years ago with lies and she made up terrible lies about her step father. It's best keeping away from people like that. I'm wondering now where she gets it all from!

[cinnamongreen]

Heyday until now I've always kept a good relationship with MIL even when she hasn't deserved it. DH can't be bothered to keep her up to date or even send her a card. We actually had a good relationship.

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

Have I got this right? MIL wanted to spend time with other members of family, she asked if they could come to yours and you said no, so she didn't bring them and instead went and spent Christmas with these other family members.

[PotteringAlong]

Honestly, this sounds like a massive over-reaction on your behalf.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Well. If the person who you call toxic is e.g. a SIL, who made up dreadful stories about her stepfather (e.g. sexual abuse) and tried to split you and your DH up by telling lies about you, then I can clearly see why you don't want HER in your life. And I can see why you wouldn't want her in your home, of course not! I can also see why you wouldn't want her near your DC either.

So to be clear - your MIL tried to foist this unpleasant woman onto you and your family at Christmas, and when you refused to entertain her, your MIL decided that YOU were the bad guy and now she's all pally with your SIL again, and has left you and your DC out in the cold, yes?

I think you're right to keep your DC away from the toxic "SIL" - but I don't think that it's necessarily right to keep them away from your MIL, unless you worry that she will be underhanded and take them to visit the toxic one.

Maybe let your DH take the DC with him when he visits?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

OH and yes, she was very wrong to try and make you change your mind by going through your DS - very poor behaviour indeed!

[MiddleClassProblem]

Again you seem mad about things you were pro before. You want them to have contact but are upset that she is with them not you.

Op, she might be nasty but you seem sensitive so the combination is another level. I don't think either of you are the worst people in the world but I do think you need to step back and look at it as if it were a friend going through it and not let your emotions run away with you. If DH isn't fussed then join him. It doesn't have to be NC, it doesn't have to be the other extreme either. If she does dip in and out then that's that and you just explain that nab is busy and then the time periods between meets becomes normal. Plenty of families with parents abroad do this, not all Skype all the time and can go years without seeing each other. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[JudyCoolibar]

If only one member of the family is toxic, why did you say there were four?

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

It was her way or no way I think your wrong op, I think it was your way or no way. Your mum asked if they could join you (not unreasonable), you said no (not unreasonable) but that left her with a choice and she chose them (not unreasonable) and now your throwing your toys out of the pram and going nc? Go nc you if you wish but don't drag your kids into it. I think, from the information provided, you are being dramatic, they are her family too and shocj horror it's not all about your kids. Why did you not just tell the kids their granny went elsewhere, why the big deal?

[icy121]

Have I missed something - Christmas was 8 months ago?

[228agreenend]

I think,you are over reacting slightly. For whatever reason, mil has decided to have Christmas at someone else's house. It's irrelevant whether she has seen them once or everyday. You don't have the monopoly over her time.

Maybe she finds the two hours tiring, hence wanting to stay closer to home.

IT was wrong for her to invite people to your house and use,your son as a go,between. My brothers don't speak to each other, and as my mum has got older, she increasingly says she would like them reconciled. Maybe the same was with your MiL.

I'm not saying she is an angel, bit to,keep,your children away from her would be harsh for your children, if they have had a good relationship before.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Judy - simple answer - toxic SIL + children and possibly husband.

[MiddleClassProblem]

So the people she invited are the other grandchildren and her child she went to see? Just to clarify

[WorraLiberty]

This is mad. You're coming across as completely controlling and meddling here OP.

For years I actually encouraged her to make contact with the dark side of the family

You mean her own family? Well that was big of you to encourage that

The woman's spent the last 11 Christmases at your house and now you're throwing a hissy fit because she wants to spend it with her other family?

If you're not careful, you're going to alienate yourself from everyone, including your own kids when they're old enough to realise how ridiculous this all is.

Just enjoy your own Christmas with your DH and kids and butt out of hers.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

OP - I get where you're coming from with this, btw.

I have a friend who has a sister like your MIL - she can only be "friends" with one person in her family at a time. The "favoured one" changes from time to time, depending on what's going on - but when they're not the favoured one, you might as well be dead for all the care she has for them. It's extremely tiring. You've said that your MIL has form for this sort of behaviour, so it's not surprising that you're now the outcasts if her other child is now the "in" one.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Sorry, misplaced "you" in the middle of the long sentence about not being favoured - should be a "they".

[furryminkymoo]

You are NC or LC with these family members, she isn't. She wanted them around for Christmas. you said no, she didn't come.

I don't see the drama.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

It is tough being estranged from one of your children and therefore some of your grandchildren. They may well be toxic and awful to you but a mothers love runs deep and is unconditional. And having your children estranged from one another is tough too.

She's obviously tried a failed to build bridges between your DH and her other child and it hasn't worked, not least because you have refused to allow it.You are not interested in kissing and making up and certainly not interested in hosting them for Christmas. That's fine.

But she wants to make up for lost time with them. That toxic person you talk about with such bitterness is still her child. Try to imagine yourself in the same position one day, caught between your children who don't speak and being made to choose between them by a controlling petulant DIL who thinks she can call the shots.

Obviously I don't know all the backstory with DHs 'toxic' siblings but you say you did have a good relationship with her. It sounds completely unreasonable for you to just start throwing your toys out of the pram, cutting her out and refusing her access to your children for daring to want to spend some time with her other child. Are you always this easily offended and this demanding?

You and your family have pretty much had her to yourselves for most of the last 8 to 11 years by the sounds of things. She offered you the chance of Christmas all together and you didn't want that, but you really don't get to dictate to her where she spends EVERY Christmas and it's fucking awful of you to use your children as a form of emotional blackmail. I feel very sorry for your husband.

[onecrazycook]

Well, this is a whole heap of pathetic from all sides. Your KIDS are the most important thing here, and having had a family where my mother despised and barely spoke to my paternal grandmother for the majority of my childhood, I can tell you that your kids will not thank you for keeping them away from her when they are grown up. She is their Grandmother and they love her. You have absolutely no right to ruin their relationship with her.

If you don't want to deal with the SIL issue, fine. You don't have to have her in your home , but you're coming across as being incredibly sour just because she wanted to try and repair her relationship with grandkids she's not had the opportunity to spend time with.

My grandparents on my fathers side both died without me knowing them in adult life due to stupid family arguments. I suggest you swallow your silly pride and get on with it before you do more damage.

[GDarling]

Feel relieved that she is going somewhere else, tell kids that it's the 'others' turn, I notice that the 'others' didn't complain that she wasn't with them all those past Christmases, they probably don't really want her, is she taking toxic family with her to them??? OH dear!!!!

[user7755]

Just to clarify:

She hasn't had much contact with these family members for a number of years but has seen your family at Christmas for the last 11 years.

She wanted to bring those family members to your house for Christmas. You said no.

You're pissed off that your MIL is now going to spend Christmas with those family members for the first time in years.

Is that correct?

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

I gave my children a very watered down reason for her not coming.

Good. And so you should. Children have no need to hear the ins and outs of grown ups gripes and arguments. 'Nanny isn't going to be here for Christmas this year because it's time for us to take turns so your uncle and auntie and cousins can see her for a change.

That was all the time explanation needed.

[LeaveMyWingsBehindMe]

user7755 I think that's it, yes, except they are not just 'family members' it's her other child and grandchildren!

[WeAllHaveWings]

She has not disrespected you at all. If anything you are showing her no respect.

She spent Xmas with her daughter (I assume?) she is reconciling with, a daughter and grandchildren she hasn't spent Xmas with for 11 years. She tried to include everyone but you didn't want that, which is fair enough, but expecting her to spend Xmas with you until you decide it is acceptable is very unreasonable.