AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

In the long term though, who wants to be married to a bloke who has to be locked out of adolescent females rooms in order for them to have any privacy/body autonomy?

While my father wouldn't barge into my room as a child, he was very ' my way or highway' enabled by my narcissistic mother who always backed him up. They have just walked out of my house and returned to their home on the other side of the world without saying goodbye to me because I asserted boundaries in my own home while they were staying. They have openly belittled me in front of my seven year old. It seems this behaviour doesn't stop when you reach adulthood - my father often opined that I shouldn't be listened to when I was a child. It's all about control and is very demeaning. It is not the way families should be.

Start barging into the bathroom when he's on the loo or something.

Then say his own arguments back to him when he complains.

DH was a little like this; DS1 is 10 and has started to ask if we could knock before entering his room because he wanted privacy. DH got all pig-headed and had a little "we pay the bloody mortgage" tantrum. I back DS1 all the way; his bedroom is his own space and so long as he's not setting it on fire or smearing it in shit, we have to listen to his wishes and follow them. DH doesn't like it I can tell. He has no choice but to listen and accept, though, because I won't back down. He's smart enough to know which battles he can pick and this isn't one of them.

I don't think for him it's a symptom of anything worse; he was raised by his Mum alone after his Dad died when he was young and his Mum, although oddly prudish, also has no respect for privacy or boundaries, so DH is having to learn the boundaries he should have learned as a child now we have a family of our own. He's a great Dad in so many ways, but can struggle at times now that DS1 is growing up and needs to be given independence.

and put a slidy lock on their door for them (on the inside)

A lock is not the answer, your daughter needs to feel that her wishes are to be respected, non negotiable. She s being dismissed, then she is seeing you being dismissed, all so he can continue to do as he wants despite the distress she feels. the irony is that your h will have his heart broken when he sees her future partners trampling all over her boundaries.

What is it that your DH is concerned about when it comes to giving your DD notice that he is about to enter her room? It might help to frame it thus: you are informing her that you are coming in when you knock, giving her a chance to make herself decent. It might be another few years before knocking becomes an actual request to enter - perhaps this is what he is worried about. I don't know. It sounds like the conversation has gone very badly and if it is going to be recoverable, needs to be started afresh.

I would have one more try at explaining, one more, if he didn't listen I would ask him to leave.

My dad used to barge into my room too, whatever I was doing. He believed it was his right, as it was HIS house and I was 'only' living there, I didn't pay the mortgage. It caused a lot of resentment, and yes, a lot of issues growing up that are still with me now. He could be a bullying shit. I used to work 12 hour days, if I wasn't up by 6am on my day off, he'd barge in and drag me out of bed. If I was sitting quietly reading a magazine, he'd rip it out of my hands and bellow 'WORK!'. I'd be halfway through my dinner, and he'd demand I started the washing up. I'd be in the bath or on the toilet, and he'd repeatedly try to force the bathroom door (which was locked). He had absolutely no respect for me as an autonomous being - to him, I was his property to mistreat as he pleased.

You HAVE to speak up for your DD here. Show her that she can command respect, especially from her own father! My dad has only realised in the past few years that I actively hated him for a time.

OP - please don't do nothing about this except to moan. It will damage your DD's trust in you.

Your DD's welfare (including emotional and mental) is more important than your DH.

So, a man who is struggling with his daughter growing up - just as some parents struggle with their child starting school - shows this normal loving emotion in a bullying, disrespectful, controlling, cruel way so by that token the mum who struggles with school should keep their child at home forever or insist in being in the classroom etc etc etc. Don't be ridiculous, Dear.

Maybe the puberty mention has got him thinking about her having bfs? and thinking ahead he Will def be storming into her room to check up on them in the future!? Maybe not her who needs to obey but any brave suitor!!

His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC

God I feel sorry for your daughters - and for you. How depressing to live with a man who believes that he owns you. He sees them as property and therefore his to treat as he chooses.

I suspect you have bigger issues going on in your marriage. His behaviour is horrendous and if he refuses to acknowledge that it's wrong then you HAVE to protect your daughters...and if that means leaving him then so be it.

To me, when a door is open you are probably ok to put your head around the door or to walk in. If a bedroom door is closed I would always knock before I went in, unless it was a small child in the room (I mean, if a five-year-old has closed their bedroom door it's probably because they're doing something they know they shouldn't be like making a mural on their wall using felt-tip pens).

I think you need to sit down and have another discussion about this, just you and him. The danger is, that if he carries on the way he is, that your DD might start obstructing the door with furniture and that's a safety hazard.

I wouldn't recommend a letter, I generally don't recommend them anyway, but in this case it's not a complex emotional issue, it's a simple matter of respecting a young woman's privacy in her own space and not barging in when she might be undressed or exploring her body as is normal and natural at that age. He needs to learn that this is a simple, black and white issue, with the point made assertively and clearly. A letter isn't the way to communicate that. A firm, "You do not have the right to barge into people's rooms when they are old enough to be self conscious, even if you're related, and if you do I will take action to protect her" will.

What sort of message is it for your daughter that to be able to get changed without being looked at or worried if a man is in the house then she must have to lock her door as her privacy isn't a right?

That's setting her up for no self worth

My dad did this when I was a child/adolescent. Time and time and time again.

I was a ballsy, proud, feisty (hate that word but too shattered to think of alternative) smart Alec of a child so I challenged him every single time, getting more and more ferocious on each occasion.

On one occasion he told me that privacy "had to be earned".

We continue to have a very troubled relationship. This topic is/was only a very small part of the problem but a significant one, I think.

Please, please do something about this. I would have done anything for a lock on the door or a bit more support from other family members.

Ironically I am and always was a bit of an exhibitionist at heart and was not even close to self conscious about my body... it was the message behind his refusal that was so demeaning and demoralising.

Maybe the puberty mention has got him thinking about her having bfs? and thinking ahead he Will def be storming into her room to check up on them in the future!? Maybe not her who needs to obey but any brave suitor!!

So he's having a dry run at the moment?

If he's so concerned about his daughter's "virtue", he has the option of enforcing a "no boyfriends in bedrooms behind closed doors rule". He wouldn't be the first or last parent to do that.

It would be a step up from his current form.

Thirty years ago I was abused. I hadn't registered so much of it that was bad but the police did and told me. It has just come to me that he never once knocked on the door when he came in my room and I've felt guilt for decades that what happened did because he saw me naked in the bath. I didn't think I was allowed to lock the door as it wasn't my house. What if I brought it on myself? .

"he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. "

Does he usually go in to say goodnight then?

Why didn't he say something when they went up, or go up with them to say goodnight & then leave them alone to undress?

It really does sound to me as if he wants to catch her/them undressing.

I think there's a good chance that it is sexual (or getting that way) and your daughter is reaching out for help. You are saying implicitly that you can't protect her from him. That's a worrying message.

Diddl, I think that is very harsh. There is a lot about this situation that isn't cool, but he sounds more like a control freak than a pervert!

Goingtobeawesome

You didn't 'bring it on yourself' but people who abuse children are very, very skilled at making their victims feel this way. You should not have to be behind a locked door to be safe from abuse. The fault lies with the abuser, always.

He is clearly a control freak. This may be sexual as well.