AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

He is refusing to make a pathetically small compromise and damaging family relationships in the process. What a fool.

For anyone who travels, stays in hotels or needs a door wedge, there is one you can get with an alarm, and this one;

www.terapeak.com/worth/door-jammer-brace-home-motel-hotel-bar-security-lock-safety-system-college-dorm/252320371373/

The harder you push the door, the stronger it hold it closed. But it wont get stuck like a traditional wedge.

Your daughters are not chattel.

You are an equal partner in your marriage. He isn't your superior. Whatever he may think about it, he isn't.

If you want to put a lock on your dd's door or give her a wedge to use on the other side, do. He has no authority to over-rule you. And it's important that your dd's see that.

I would have gone fucking ballistic about him doing it again this evening, when your daughter had asked him not to in a very grown up way. He has to know it is not acceptable and DD needs to know you have her back.

Gosh, he really does not tolerate being in the wrong, does he?

My first reaction was just to put a lock on the door - but everyone else is right - this doesn't address the problem.

What a bully he is.

This shit would be a deal breaker for me if he couldn't accept it.

I have a 12 year old and DH wasn't as quick as me to realise she needed more privacy so I told him "Make sure you knock now...she's got to "that age""

And he immediately said "Oh God of course she has!" and was that he'd not realised.

THAT"S the correct response.

He also stopped leaving the bathroom nudey...I didn't need to tell him...he used to nip from the bathroom to our room to change after a shower but the moment I told him DD needed to be treated as a young woman, he stopped just in case she was embarrassed if she saw him.

I agree with the bolt on her door but in reality if I was living with a man who made this something I had to do....I'd consider kicking him out.

Not near livid enough, I think.

Why the fuck should the poor girl have to lock her bedroom door to protect herself from her dads inappropriate behaviour?! Locks on bedroom doors are potentially dangerous (as in a fire safety issue).

Why are you with someone who, by his own admittance, doesn't give a shit about the emotional well being of your children?

OK, OK, I get that this is 'just' part of a bigger picture but it is unpardonably AWFUL! Ignoring his daughter's feelings whenever he feels like charging in to do the big I Am Daddy routine is bad enough - but to explicitly state he doesn't care how she feels? Did he make this statement of ownership in front of the girls?

Here's an image to keep in mind. My dad was grim in many respects, but I recall very few incidents. One that I do remember in vivid detail has no violent content at all. He sailed into my room one evening - I think he'd forgotten I was in. I was naked. He stared just a bit too long. His look of shock, awe and ... quickly concealed lust - is what I remember, and the hideous wall of confusion as I grabbed a towel. He tried to cover with a supposedly jocular remark, which didn't help.

It's nothing in the scheme of things - and, at the same time, huge. I wouldn't wish that moment on your daughters, Livid.

OP for the first time since bring on MN I felt real anger when I read your post. How dare he?
Agree with those who say out a lock on her door.
But the real issue is YOU. You have to make a stand here on your daughter's behalf. There's no alternative.

I totally agree with you and all the pps who think your dh is behaving like an arse. He needs a massive frank talking to as per a pp who said give him the guts of it re pubic hair, periods and budding chest.)

On the dreadful flip side: My df gave me a hug when i was 12-13 whatever it was, i was wearing my first training bra, a 32AA i didn't need but wanted. He touched the clasp at the back and visibly recoiled - and didnt have any physical contact with me again until i was in my 30s. Issues, you say? Jesus. I'll be educating my dh nearer the time, never to do that to our dd.

I agree with other posters ..This is 100% a deal breaker!
I can't fathom why he feels such a sense of entitlement?
When my sisters and I reached a certain age my father never set foot in our rooms wether we were there or not ..it was like our of bounds women's territory he had no business being in ..we never had locks

I'm really angry on your daughter's behalf. Why on earth would he refuse to do such a simple thing that would make her feel more comfortable?

If he's busy banging his manly chest with his ape-like misogyny, I'd be asking why he's taking away his daughters power and control over their own bodies?

And what kind of men do this, beyond himself? Let's see, an abuser, a rapist... And of course, him.

Not to mention that his disrespect and need for ownership of his dd is going to make it very easy for another man to take over where he himself left off.

He is NOT being a good father. He's fucking up his dd and teaching her that men have the right to look at her naked body whenever they want.

I bet he's the kind of revolting arsehole who gets all impotent rage at the idea of anyone taking his ickle pwinness away from him. (Shudder).

It's not an "impenetrable" attitude. You just need to draw a really, really clear line in the sand about this.

Does he realise that this behaviour will make his daughters love him less?

And in fact probably has already done so?

Garlic I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

OP I would do what's been suggested. I would ask him if he is bothered about her being undressed and seen as a pervert?

Sadly I had this growing up. No lock allowed and they wouldn't knock because "'it is their house" DM and her husband not my father would just breeze in and I hated it and them. Even now they refuse to knock when guests (seldom) stay. It's just utterly fucking ignorant.

He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking.

Like fuck she does.

He needs to accept that he is being a fuckwit.

I do agree with DearMrDilkington, he may well be in denial that his children are growing into young adults who need privacy. He sounds rather old school whereby children should do as they are told as they are 'only' children. I think you can talk to him again but I think he is more likely to listen if the request continues to come directly from his own children. Sounds like he is going to struggle with his children going through puberty and their transition into young adults. Hope you can resolve this as a family without resorting to an all out war.

Stand up for your daughter.

I had a family member who would 'accidentally' walk in on me getting changed, or in the shower. His motives WERE sexual.

If your partner won't stop even when asked, maybe his are too.

It has to stop right now, otherwise your daughter will remember this for the rest of her life.

I would be very concerned about DDs relationships/sense of boundaries while males in the future if this carries on tbh. He's effectively teaching her that it's ok for men to ignore her feelings, need for privacy, personal space etc and that she must just accept it

^^ everything everyone has said x million!!

I has similar shit from both my parents (more so my DM) and it royally fucked me up for many years. I'm not going into detail as its too upsetting but OP you need to actually DO something about this if you actually care about your DDs. Just sitting on MN quietly raging isn't enough. Otherwise your DD will see your lack of action as agreement with your 'D'H.

You say his fucking thick as pig shit lack of emotional intelligence and misogyny is hard to penetrate.... Here's an idea that I really think you should do.

Write a post describing exactly what he has done and said on his Facebook wall (tagging him) and ask all his Facebook friends for feedback. Ask them to comment on whether they agree with his stance or if they also think it's fucked up.

I agree with someone upthread who said its not just a tiny part of a really decent man - this must permeate his approach to everything

Sorry you've had that experience abso....

I am really sad on your daughters behalf. You need to protect her from this absolute Arse of an Oxygen Thief. If that means leaving him, then I absolutely would (and have).

I don't think explaining this using any reasonable, well thought out argument is going to do any good.

This man won't countenance defeat and therefore he will not listen. To listen is to be defeated.

He is invested in winning interactions with his daughter and with you. He is doing short term, minute by minute thinking. He does not care about anything but the prospect of losing the position he is building for himself in the family, which is 'He Who Must Not Be Challenged Or Questioned.' (Not 'he who must be obeyed', though that individual is a close relative.)

Any kind of challenge will be met with a fight to the death. You saw that when you and DD tackled him about it. He is not going to back down. He is not going to be reasonable. Please believe everything he effectively said about himself in that 'conversation' you had.
He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important.
He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking.
He is saying there is absolutely no appeal, on any grounds, that he will accept.

His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.
Would you be able/willing to provide a few examples?

So you need to stop talking and get a lock, or as many locks as it takes.

Get counselling for yourself (not couples counselling with him).
This crap has not developed overnight. You need to explore the dynamics of your relationship with this man.
Please do this, and don't be afraid of where it may take you.

You are dealing with someone who is not rational or reasonable. If you want to be driven literally nuts (seriously - it will affect you badly), start down the road of reasoning and appealing to his intelligence.

I'm sorry to hear that so many people have suffered trampled boundaries and no consideration as children.

OP, we teach our children about consent. He is teaching her, as others have said, that her consent isn't important. He doesn't give a shit that he is teaching her that a determined, bullying man gets to tell her what her boundaries should be. That is extremely dangerous and if he doesn't understand that, he's a dreadful person and a worse father.

Just as an aside, how is he about your boundaries?

Your DD's reasonable needs need to be respected.