AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

[DearMrDilkington]

I remember my dad struggled seeing me grow up at around the same age. I think people give dads a hard time on here a lot of the time if I'm honest.

[AnyFucker]

Does this one sound like he is getting a "hard time" to you....or justified criticism of the way he treats his daughters ?

[Truckingalong]

It's not about him being a Dad per se though Dear - it's about him being an arse of a parent.

[WatchMeSoar]

I think the father's who get a hard time on here are the ones who don't respect their daughters boundaries

[LyndaNotLinda]

Oh poor dads, being castigated for having no respect for their adolescent daughters' privacy and personal space.

Oh no, wait

[kittybiscuits]

If I thought I needed a lock on my child's door because of inappropriate, arrogant pig OH, I would book an appointment with my solicitor. Not trying to be OTT but that is such disrespectful behaviour and an appalling example to your DCs. As you know.

[LifeInJeneral]

It might he worth explaining to him that by dismissing his daughters feelings about privacy around her own body and barging in unannounced despite being asked not to he is giving your daughter the impression that men think it is ok to behave this way and that women should allow it. Is this really the way he wants he daughter to see men? As having the right to walk in when she is undressed and not having the confidence to tell them to get out?

[DontMindMe1]

ask him straight out if he gets a kick out of seeing his dd's half naked?

[pasic]

Tell him that if he doesn't want to look like a pervert he needs to sort his ideas out.

[CodyKing]

Have you told him she's growing boobs and periods?

DH did this a couple of times and he really didn't think - soon got the hang of calling out and knocking - saves both sides embarrassment.

But he listened and is good now when they're in the shower or rooms

[JudyCoolibar]

I accept there isn't any sexual intent, but it could be worth pointing out to him that that may not be how it is seen in the outside world. If your DD were to mention at school that her father keeps barging in on her when she's naked and refuses to stop when asked, I suspect a child protection referral would follow pretty quickly.

[kittybiscuits]

What pasic said!

[NapQueen]

All it would take would be a teacher at school overhearing dd saying "dad keeps walking in on me when I'm changing" and they would have to raise it as a safeguarding issue.

Does he understand this?

[user1468841624]

Doesn't matter if there's no sexual intent.

I forgot to lock the bathroom door once as a teenager and my Mum walked in on me in the shower. Instead of shutting the door to me she scrutinised every inch of my naked body while I screamed at her to go away.

Which she eventually did, once she'd seen everything.

Neither of my parents have any respect for my personal boundaries and they have fucked up any chance of a close relationship with my DC simply because I do not trust them to respect them.

There is something wrong with your DH.

It is wrong.

[SandyY2K]

Totally agree with Nap.

This would be raised as a safeguarding issue if a teacher heard about it. Does he really want an alert raised a d yoyr famiky under scrutiny.

When we were younger. I think my dad forgot we were growing up and would come to empty the bin in our room without knocking. Me and my sister would just shout "Dad get out I'm changing". Then we later put a lock on the door ourselves.

It wasn't just when we were changing, he felt he could open the door to our room and see what we were doing anytime. Usually he'd open the door and comment on what a mess it was, but it was still very annoying.

A simple bolt will do the trick and they should lock it when they're about to get changed. I'd think thst on the door, would make him feel ashamed that it's come to that.

[MaudlinNamechange]

I remember my grandfather doing this when I was about 13 / 14. He was doing some work in my bedroom in the day and decided to just walk in and see if the paint was dry or something at about 10pm when I was getting undressed. It freaked me out and my parents had no sympathy because "he was just...." etc etc. I stopped getting changed for a few days until he left and slept in my clothes. It was horrible.

[BoyFromTheBigBadCity]

I agree with AF. This part of him, right now, is particularly awful. I don't see it getting better. Get rid, for your daughters.

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry, he sounds a prick.

Put a lock on the girls' door and tell your husband that battering down your girls natural resistance to being seen undressed by males may well be VERY unhelpful for both of them Especially when they are battling with boys who want to see them undressed. How can girls understand that they have body autonomy when your husband is refusing to acknowledge it.

MiddleClassProblem re "Get one of your friends to barge in on him changing" great idea, but even so that may not embarrass him as much as a pre-teen girl feels when her dad or step dad comes into the room when she is undressing.

Sorry to say it again, your husband is an idiot and a very thoughtless one.

[Amy214]

My dad never walked in on me. As soon as i hit 12 he never entered my room (he would only enter it if something needed fixed) if he needed me he would knock, wait for an answer and then open it (a little bit) then close it once finished.
My mum was terrible she used to knock then barge right in. It took her ages to understand to knock and wait.

[Italiangreyhound]

Agree with LifeInJeneral and Pasic.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

tell your husband that battering down your girls natural resistance to being seen undressed by males may well be VERY unhelpful for both of them Especially when they are battling with boys who want to see them undressed. How can girls understand that they have body autonomy when your husband is refusing to acknowledge it.

THIS^^

[Cherrysoup]

Temporarily, until he has realised what a that he is being, can the girls get changed in the bathroom if there's a lock when he's at home? That alone may make him think. He really does need to realise how awful he's making this for your DD.

[SatansLittleHelper2]

I think you need to ask him if he's intentionally going in there to catch her undressed.

Below the belt maybe but it should give him some food for thought, she's asked him not to do something that makes her uncomfortable. Therefore he needs to stop or risk allsorts of allegations being thrown his way.

He needs to stop being such a cretin and listen to his child.

[PickledCauliflower]

Give him the details so that it registers:
Your daughter is reaching puberty, her breasts are budding and she is growing pubic hair - do not not go in to her room unless invited.

[BeaLola]

I think putting a lock on the door is no way to solve it. He needs to understand that his children are growing up and should expect privacy - how would he feel if your friends / kids friends barged into the bathroom/loo when be was in there ? Does he expect to keep barging in wHen they are 16, 18, 20 etc ? The door is closed for a reason.