AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

Goingtobeawesome, I hope you don't truly believe you're to blame for being molested. You could have been walking around the living room naked and it still wouldn't be your fault, especially if you were a child and even if you weren't. I hope you are having counselling to help you overcome your horrible experience.

OP, take note of all the posters who were abused or mistreated by entitled, creepy fathers, where it started by not respecting a closed bedroom door.

I would, if this were my h who had refused to listen to reasonable requests or explanations, be simply telling him that he knocks on his dds' door in future or he lives elsewhere. Then I would set out all the very good reasons PPs have provided for this seemingly drastic action.

It really does sound to me as if he wants to catch her/them undressing

He might do. Not because he's sexually interested in them but rather as a way to assert his superior male dominance: "Me Man, you stupid little female. Bow to my command."

A man who asserts dominance over his child like this can go on to sexually abuse them.

Can you show him this thread OP?

My DF is autistic and really didnt to accept personal boundaries when I got to "that age". I think he was struggling with his own feelings about aging, lack of understanding of appropriate behaviour, a desire to own me and tbh, some sexual feelings of attraction to my changing body. Rather than recognise and work through those feelings, he kept acting out and it began in the way you describe.

My DM was a superstar and royally bollocked him until he towed the line. Even so, it gave me some serious issues to deal with when I was older. I didn't feel I could back away from someone who was abusive because I had to be " nice" and reason with them rather than just running like thunder.

I ended up going through an attempted rape with a knife at my throat. Thank God my survival instincts finally kicked in then and I found an inner ninja I never knew existed.

But what everyone is telling you is true. Teaching your DD she has no right to privacy is FUCKING DANGEROUS.

I think a pervert would be more sneaky - he is basically refusing to knock, so it must not occur to him that this looks like he wants to see his daughter naked. He is probably just being bull-headed about his 'right' to enter rooms in his house and in denial about her getting older and becoming more independent. That is my kind interpretation anyway, but I wouldn't hesitate to ask him whether he would explain his reasoning to his mates down the pub if I were to bring it up!

"So, Dave, Tony, Paul - DH and I can't agree on something and we would really appreciate a male perspective. Our DD has requested that we knock on her bedroom door because she doesn't want people seeing her getting dressed and undressed. DH wants to enter as and when he pleases. Who is right?"

Tell him in no uncertain terms that this must stop with immediate effect.

Tell him that if anyone outside of the house hears anything about this it will make him sound pervy and it will probably be reported as a child safeguarding issue with all that that entails.

A man who asserts dominance over his child like this can go on to sexually abuse them.

Could. But parents can and are like this without it being remotely sexual.

I had a happier ending though. He didn't abuse me and I didn't have to see the fucker daddy dearest again between the ages of 16 and 27. Win, win.

I wouldn't show him the thread, you might need the support of mn in the future. Plus, his daughter has said No and his wife has said No, will he listen to a bunch of other wimmin? Doubt it.

VeryBitchy I agree.

That was very much the impression I got from my own dad (as mentioned in my comment on previous page).

In my experience these things go one way or the other - either the child becomes cowed and broken down or bitter and aggressive.

I did the latter.

The last time my dad ever hit me was when I was 9. I'd cry when he did it when I was very little, then learned not to as I grew older, then learned to shout at him when I was maybe 7+.

One day barged into my room to wallop me for giving him cheek (this was around the time he told me that "privacy had to be earned") and something inside me snapped and I hit him back, hollered at him to go fuck himself, and slammed the door on his arm.

Never hit me again, but what n earth did it say that that was what it took to get the message across? And the barging in without permission continued until I was about 15, and the blazing, terrible, violent rows that reduced other family members and even family friends to tears continue to this day.

I like to think I came out the other end relatively unscathed by it all and my dad and I generally have a cordial relationship now, but the reality is that I have a whole host of trust issues and shoulder chips and general bitterness. Just reading some of the stories in this thread is making me shake with anger.

We don't have much info: it could be sexual (I just watched a video about Narcissm and the Golden Child, where there can be emotional or physical incest), it could be that he has too much pride to be 'hold off' by anyone / children / women , that he forgot , opened the door by habit and would then make an elaborate justification rather than admit his mistake , he may be a bully, controlling , emotionally abusive or just a blithe unimaginative, unempathetic idiot.

The point Is the same: your Dd asked you for help to ensure her privacy, and she MUST get it.

She wasn't even able to come to your room and talk to you about it in confidence : he came interrupting with his justifications .

I would make time to talk with your Dd while he is away.

My youngest DD is quite private - she had a few new bras last week and took herself upstairs to try them and fit them - she'd have been mortified to have been seen.

She took her time as nobody would just barge in.

Imagine your DD feels she has to do everything quickly? You that getting changed without showing anything under the covers - sneaking a bra off under a t shirt - it doesn't give a girl confidence.

So at the very least he is a bully to children. I would say at 10 you should be thinking about privacy with girls, because it is around then that they start wanting it. It's obvious to anyone who care about another's feelings that if they want privacy, they should have it. To invade that is unkind. The 'it's not sexual' thing is misleading too, because often invasion of sexual boundaries aren't about sex but power.

IME there is a (dark) grey area in between pervert (consciously desiring to see daughter undressed and taking calculated steps to achieve this) and "just" being bullheaded about right to enter in a chest-beating fashion. There are all sorts of murky unacknowledged feelings about aging, control, physical and sexual territory involved in this kind of behaviour. It isn't always helpful to polarise the issue.

Thank you yorkshpudding and Sheba.

I know rationally it wasn't my fault but I could see where I could have stopped him seeing me in the bath, how I should have told someone after the first time. a child, in care, useless social worker, who was I supposed to tell.

Had one counselling session with a doctor who can't offer any more.

Yes ocelot you've hit nail on head

I thought I should add that I think you are awesome for standing up for your DD OP. Many women would have explained it away as it is such an uncomfortable thing to have to deal with in your own partner. It is a really powerful thing you have done for her - please keep going.

True, ocelot. At the very least, the husband needs to acknowledge that people are potentially going to see it this way, including his daughter. Surely he doesn't want his daughter thinking - even if this is completely and totally wrong - that he is trying to see her naked.

Really, this is something you just shouldn't have to explain to him. And it's not an 'old fashioned' way of thinking. It's an unkind thing and very damaging too your dd's esteem at the very least.

If he's so intent on embarrassing your DD I wonder how embarrassed he would feel if your DD called Childline or went on their online chat and told them all that you have told us and how much it upsets her. He could end up being investigated as I don't think they would accept so readily that there wasn't something more sinister to this, not knowing him as well as you do. But it's still abusive and damaging , sinister motive or not imo.

In a sense his motives are also not the main point. The fact is your DD says that this violates her boundaries (and good on your DD, I would never have managed to voice that at her age). So that is that. He needs to STOP and preferably give some positive sign that he is sorry and respects her decision in order to mend that relationship.

going it's common for the abused to blame ourselves because the alternative to realise just how cruel the abuser was is too hard for the mind to handle.

god my parents were and still are vile. This was one of the many forms of abuse I accepted as the norm.

It really isn't ok .