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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

405 replies

Livid66 · 23/08/2016 23:11

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

OP posts:
Babynamechange · 25/08/2016 18:28

I'd like that randomer x

Gloriousconfusion · 25/08/2016 18:49

Maybe it would help to ask him how he would feel if his mother came into his bedroom without knocking when he was changing or doing anything intimate; or whether he would mind if your father came into the bedroom without knocking.
And point out how embarrassed girls would feel at certain times of the month if anyone came in and was confronted with bloodstains

cestlavielife · 25/08/2016 19:25

He has already dismissed her feelings... it us doubtful that any amount if explaining will change his mind...

alfagirl73 · 25/08/2016 20:06

I have read this whole thread with great sadness and concern for your DD; it's difficult enough going through puberty without additional stress and anxiety forced upon oneself.

I notice that you say that your DH is an "academic". Is he a teacher? Does he work with young people? If so, it might be helpful to point out to him that if your DD were to mention the problem to a friend, who then mentions it to their parent, resulting in an investigation of any kind, it could potentially destroy his career. Even if nothing sexual is going on, just the mere suggestion of something untoward could be enough to cost him his job. It shouldn't take that to get him to see sense; to my mind, respecting the privacy of a young woman (or anyone for that matter) is simple common decency, but if pointing out the risk to his career or something else he considers important gets the point home, then it may be worth a shot.

In any event, while you work through the problem and figure out what you want to do, I agree that a lock on the door or a wedge (the ones with the alarm on them are good!), would at least give your DD some peace of mind. It doesn't SOLVE the problem but I'm sure your DD would welcome it as a means of protecting her privacy in the interim. With him away much of the week it at least gives you and your DD some breathing space to figure out a plan and to consider what best to do.

Do let us know how you get on; I hope your DD is doing okay, bless her.

lasttimeround · 25/08/2016 20:14

Sadly I can see what alfa is suggesting would have worked on my arse of a father. Concern about how others see him would be a means of getting him to think again.

ocelot41 · 25/08/2016 20:57

randomer, I really think that should be a different thread unless the OP agrees. We don't really know that that is definitely what is going on here. It could be read as a thread derail.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2016 01:20

I think Randomer has in mind a separate thread specifically on the topic she mentioned. Not taking this one and turning it into a general thread.

ocelot41 · 26/08/2016 05:46

Sorry, I misunderstood Randomer. Sounds like a good idea

ptumbi · 26/08/2016 09:28

I am just horrified by not only the infringement of the daughter's rights to her own body, but that the father does the same to his son.

OP - you work in safeguarding; how many of the cases you deal with start with boundary-trampling/control?

I'd suggest a great deal of them do.

Please - protect your children. I don't care how 'impenetrative' his opinions and control are. You have the choice - leave him if you have to, to protect your children, and their emotional well-being.

tinytemper66 · 26/08/2016 09:32

If he dismisses the children`s feelings and opinions, does he do the same to you OP? I have read the whole thread but have no experience in this area, as I can see how lucky I was, so cannot comment on that aspect but the fact he ignores feelings and opinions and thinks he is the master in the house, as far the children are concerned, I wondered how he values your feelings and opinions?

ShebaShimmyShake · 26/08/2016 09:54

Personally I've never known a man who considered himself Master of the House, with no respect for his children's boundaries and individuality, who saw his wife/partner as his true equal.

MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 26/08/2016 09:59

Now if my dh had acted the way your dh did last night, quite frankly, I'd have torn him a new one. Right then, or probably as soon as the dc were out of earshot. How dare he belittle and dismiss your DC like that?

This.

OP you are making a lot of excuses for your bullying DH.

You need to step up to protect your children. Or get them out away from this bully.

sashh · 26/08/2016 11:18

Eg, in the past he has seen nothing wrong with shouting and arguing in front of children 'because it's my house'

My mother was once doing the 'it's my house' routine - I told her, "It's your house, but it is my home"

No one should feel embarrassed, scared, mortified add other 'eds' in their own home.

Children are not an extension of their parents or their property.

Buunychops · 26/08/2016 12:29

Sorry I haven't had a chance to get back here.

Can I just Flowers to all those who have shared some frankly horrific experiences.

To the OP I hope that this thread has helped in some way, and that you find a resolution that protects your child.

lasttimeround · 26/08/2016 13:14

randomer have a look at the 'stately homes' threads. So so many of us. Too many Sad

randomer · 26/08/2016 16:59

thanks i will give it my attention

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 26/08/2016 19:25

ell your husband that battering down your girls natural resistance to being seen undressed by males may well be VERY unhelpful for both of them Especially when they are battling with boys who want to see them undressed. How can girls understand that they have body autonomy when your husband is refusing to acknowledge it.

THIS in spades. He's teaching her that larger, older, bullying men can do what they want to her. You HAVE to take action OP, you must. Poor DD. And I agree, you might not think there's anything sexual but you can't guarantee it. It's certainly a power battle in his head, and abuse is about power and control.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 26/08/2016 19:26

Sorry my cut n paste skills went a bit wonky there Confused

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/08/2016 19:34

Lock or bolt on her door. If he's out of the house all day at work he could come home and find it a fait accompli. Any and every young person is entitled to privacy.

galaxygirl45 · 26/08/2016 19:55

Does your bathroom have a lock on the door?? If so, I'd encourage them to change in there. If their dad won't respect their need for privacy, at least they can change somewhere without worrying about watching the door. If you don't have one, I'd argue the case for one as there will be times they need to change sanitary towels etc and he surely can see that? My DH has always been abit "it's my house" too and refused to let our girls have locks on their doors for all the work it'd be but he did respect the need for bathroom privacy so we put a lock in there and our girls still do often get changed in the bathroom purely out of habit. Teenage girls are very sensitive souls, and he does need to learn some respect for their delicate feelings. All part of a learning curve, and maybe he's having a little trouble accepting they are growing up??

Lancelottie · 26/08/2016 20:15

battering down your girl's natural resistance to being seen undressed by males may well be VERY unhelpful

You know what? I was on one of the Trans threads a moment ago and actually thought this was part of it. It certainly reminds me somewhat bitterly of the demand by other bullying male-bodied individuals to be allowed into a private, female-only space.

dowhatnow · 26/08/2016 20:33

He's not as emotionally intelligent as you think, op.

FantasticButtocks · 26/08/2016 20:39

Would your DH think it was also ok for DS to go barging into girls bedrooms without knocking? Does he want his son thinking that's ok? He sounds like an unpleasant bully.

Fishface77 · 26/08/2016 23:57

Disgusting Pervy bully is how I would see him. And if a child/adolescent came to me with this problem I would report to social services.
It astounds me that being in your profession you haven't removed your DC to safety and are still exposing them to him.
LTB. Even if he agrees when his DM speaks to him that he should knock, he still sounds like a cunt.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I speak from experience.
Flowers to all those exposed to these fuckers.

CodyKing · 27/08/2016 00:49

Schools actively discuss this type of thing - how privates are private -

I think childline went to DS school for a chat in Year 5 (came home a muttered something about girls keeping their knickers on)

I'm sure there are other lessons where things are discussed openly or privately should a pupil have a question

I think your DH is on thin ice on this one - innocent or not

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