AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

[Livid66]

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

I think you have to give your dc locks for now.
If he gets cross that is his problem....

Exp had boundary issues with dd now 16. She has no contact with him now. No amount of telling explaining would get him to change his behaviour. .. you might want him to change but in meantime fit those locks so he gets the message

Please. Stop with suggestions he has Asperger's.

He is a common or garden narcissist. A self aggrandising pick. Nothing more complex than that. A mundane sort of arrogance, in my view.

Op, anybody whose stance is "impenetrable" when it comes to the emotional safety of my kids would not have a place in my life, and a naturally limited one in theirs.

*prick

Op, isn't it "your house" too?

Or does he just see it as his.

He doesn't have emotional intelligence he's faking empathy and paying it lip service to get what he wants

Bottom line is he's hiding in plain sight it seems like you and mil legitimise the view he's such a great guy

Trust your instincts if safeguarding is your job then perhaps those alarm bells are trying to tell you something

Time to choose

So what you're saying is he does seem to have empathy in other situations but has a real blind spot when it comes to his kids? And that this is not a new problem? Blimey that is a tough one. What are your thoughts about what might be going on here?

If your kids got locks and refused his demands to be let in, what would he do?

I predict he'd be getting naked around them for a start. Not as a sexual thing but a revenge/control thing.

This sort of man will feel that his kids have declared war on him by making a few tame requests asking him to modify his behaviour "in his own house".

He's entirely justified in retaliating a thousand fold because they started it by disrespecting his authority over his "property" (ie, kids) in his own house.

Does he go away with work often ? You said he was saying good bye til Friday ?
Do ypur dds put up because they get few days without him every week or month ?

Exp would say things like "I can do what I like she is my daughter " etc...

You can't change him.
You can react put up physical locks and barriers ..you have to for now while you consider longer term what you will do ...

Livid

I grew up with "under our roof"' "whilst you're in our house " no lock on doors allowed, not even the bathroom, no privacy at all even in my own room. I hated them for it and still do. Never relaxed enough to be undressed whilst they were home. In the bloody bath or shower!

Even now they don't knock when guests stay. Asked why and it is still ALL these years later " it's our house" I have very little contact now. Not just that but eveything else that came with such bullying and disrespect. Put your foot down or your DC will hold it against you and this will change how they view you both . How were you raised privacy wise?

Verybitchy, I very much doubt he'd be walking around naked. That's not his thing.

Paddle, no, its not fake empathy. I've known him long enough to know that.

Cest, he just started a new job today in another city so he'll be away for around three to four days a week in term time ( he's an academic).

Sorry to hear that, Etta. I came from a bif family and shared a room with many sisters. My father would not have dreamed doing that to us.

God, OP, that is so tough on you. You are dealing with a man who has some dated view that he 'owns' his family, is head of household blah blah. Of course, most of us realise that no one person in a family has a right to "do as they please in their own house".

Fact is, he has children, he does not own them. As they grow older, they are entitled to a certain amount of privacy. We have 'rules' here - so laptops etc are only used in family rooms, not bedrooms - but if my dc's bedroom door is closed I will knock and wait for them to answer before going in. I have no desire to embarrass my teen/preteens by walking in on them dressing or doing lord knows what.

Now if my dh had acted the way your dh did last night, quite frankly, I'd have torn him a new one. Right then, or probably as soon as the dc were out of earshot. How dare he belittle and dismiss your DC like that?

You're going to have to get very tough with him OP - there are some shocking stories from other posters on your thread. Don't let that be your DC too.

I'd say yes, he's behaving so disgustingly he absolutely qualifies as someone in need of professional intervention.

His desire for dominance is vile. He wants to assert his ownership over 'his' family and doesn't mind that he is violating his daughters mind and space to do this. And it is violation. Perhaps ask him what he wants his daughter to think and feel when he forces his presence on her? How does he want her to feel when her father watches her naked? When her father wants to see her naked? Wjen her father forcing her to be available to him at all times. Because that's what he's forcing her to do... Be naked... To make him feel in control (at the least).

These are the choices and interpretation of his attitude and behaviour.

That's sick isn't it? Which is why he will be someone's case, unless he stops this foul behaviour.

If he doesn't want to be viewed as an abuser, I'd recommend he doesn't act like one. Simple.

Can I ask when was the first time you became aware that he didn't really see your DC as people in their own right? Sounds like these are similar conversations to ones you have had before. How long has this been worrying you?

"As long as you are under MY roof" often means children make sure they leave as soon as they can and don't visit. If you are still under "his" roof by then, it will hit you, too.

Livid I am glad you have come back. It must be tough reading all this stuff. But not as tough as it is for your daughter to feel this level of discomfort.

Ocelot that was a really lovely kind post.

Good he will be away half the week ir more but he might see it as reason to be more domineering when at home.... take note of how the household is with him away....

Miscellaneous, I really don't think he has any intent on seeing her naked. I'm not being niave, either.

Oce, I guess he's always been like that. It's just become more apparent as the kids have got older and he has failed to adjust his parenting approach to their developing needs.

Ok, but he is going to see her naked at some point, if he carries on not knocking. Does he think that's absolutely fine, and will continue to be fine as she continues through puberty?

In that case OP, I'd suggest to him that you consider it a bit pervy that he seems so desperate to walk in on his 12 year old daughter changing, and hopefully you'll shame him into being reasonable, since he's incapable of thinking about it from anyone else's perspective.

OP I'm glad you're posting and listening. Please you need to make it clear to your DH and DC that you're on your DC's side, they deserve privacy and feeling of safety in their own home.

Yes, I can see how lacking empathy and healthy boundaries would show up much more when parenting teenagers who need both in spades! Off to bed now but will check in again in the morning to see how you are doing OP. Take care

It has already been suggested above, but he should point out to him the risk of ss getting involved if one of your dds mentions this in school, maybe that will make him see in this situation.

But I think this is going to be only the tip of the iceberg with his refusal to consider anyone's elses rights or needs in a house full of teenagers.

Gosh so much anger towards someone they have never met. I am sure he was just thoughtless and that isn't exactly a crime. Get your daughter to have a conversation with him to explain how it makes her feel. It's not exactly a big deal. I think fitting locks in family homes is outrageous and actively works against what a family should be - open, kind and forgiving.

Dirty git. Deal breaker imo.