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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU regarding DH's lack of boundaries with DD

405 replies

Livid66 · 23/08/2016 23:11

I have name changed because I'm so ashamed that this is my DH I'm talking about. My DC is 12 years old and she shares a room with our 10 year old DD. As you would expect, DD1 is becoming more self conscious over the changes in her body and I have now started to knock on their bedroom door before entering, especially at night or in the mornings when they're likely to be changing. DD mentioned to me two days ago that she feels uncomfortable because DH just barges in without knocking. So, around the dinner table that day, DD asked her father to knock first in future. He half- heartedly agreed to do it.
This evening, DD1 came into my room upset because DH had once again barged in and she was changing into her bedclothes at the time. When DH joined us, he explained that he had gone in to say goodnight to the girls as he will be starting a job tomorrow in another city and won't see her until Friday. He said he expected her to have changed clothes by then. When she reiterated her discomfort he was completely dismissive of her feelings, stating that it wasn't as if she was naked. She became more upset because she had expected an apology but instead had her feelings completely dismissed. Although I tried, he would not accept that she needs privacy but also that he was insensitive to her feelings. He went as far to say that he has no interest in empathising with children's feelings as it is not important. He feels that she should accept his right to go in without knocking. It disturbs me that I am married to an otherwise very intelligent man with who is also so fucking ignorant. How can I convince him that he's hurting our DD? I have no suspicions of any sexual intent btw. His attitude is similar in other contexts concerning our DC.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 25/08/2016 10:58

It is his biological daughter.

Lancelottie · 25/08/2016 11:16

I've read the whole thread and realise that I barge in on DD far too often myself (having a daughter who is usually be-headphoned and can't hear me). I'll stop doing it, as it clearly matters. Will also slap self for not really thinking about it.

DH, on the other hand, has been utterly scrupulous about DD's privacy for years. I'm mentioning this because he's not necessarily the most tactful of people, and has even been known to badger the children to tears about other things - but never this.

We did once, long ago, have a conversation after DH had shouted at DD to 'Just do as I say because I said it, no arguing!' I told him that the last thing we wanted was to raise a girl who felt unable to say no to larger, shoutier males 'just because they said so'. Point taken, PDQ.

Runny · 25/08/2016 11:25

As I mentioned earlier, whilst DF and DB ALWAYS respected my privacy and knocked, DM never did. She was a barger, and like other posters in here her favourite sayings in response to walking in on me half naked, were 'Ive seen it all before' and 'Remember, I used to change your nappies'.

She has very poor bounadries, and with her it was defintely about control. It's how she herself was brought up, and she simply doesn't know any different. Her siblings are exactly the same, not bad people but massively fucked up by their own toxic upbringing. My DB fitted a proper lock in his bedroom door to stop her from doing it. Had a key and everything, so she couldn't force it open but rather than knock she would shake and rattle the door. Bizare behaviour.

Livid66 · 25/08/2016 12:40

Thanks again, everyone, for your insights. I've been distracted by GCSE results today re DS which were very good.
I've spoken to my MIL who has agreed to speak with him so we will see how it goes.
Don't really appreciate DH being referred to as a 'sick fuck'. Although I know it's meant well but it's not very helpful. And just to reiterate, my DH is father to all three of our children.

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 25/08/2016 12:46

Runny, I guess the right answer to 'I've seen it all before' is 'Well, I've been up your chuff, but I'm a bit old for that now...'

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2016 12:48

Absofrigginlootly OP doesn't owe anyone anything. Not everyone is sat at home 24/7 waiting to update MN. MNHQ always make a point of telling people to be careful what they share, but ultimately, what they share is the responsibility of the individual.

No one has called for your support, and I am pretty sure that if they wanted it, they could ask!

FantasticButtocks · 25/08/2016 12:49

He's digging his heels in because he doesn't like being 'told' I guess. He looks stupid and insensitive in front of his family for not realising this stuff himself. If his DM is a therapist perhaps he automatically discounts opinions which take account of people's mental and emotional wellbeing, as a kind of reactive rebellion... He needs to grow up. Hope MIL gets through to him...

Absofrigginlootly · 25/08/2016 13:16

You would think I had said something highly controversial/sexist/racist/offensive the replies I've had...? Most peculiar.

And my heavily sarcastic response (But ya know fuck um' that's a their look out innit) was just highlighting the massive contradiction you see on MN that it's supposed to be a supportive site, where we should give everyone the benefit of the doubt, they might have hidden disabilities or special needs etc etc, being quite socialist in approach that we all share a responsibility for each other, society, the environment etc....whilst at the same time adopting this sort of aggressive stance that one should 'keep yer nose out', people are responsible for themselves and it's their own fault if they get upset or whatever, I'm alright jack and free to do as I please.

Think I need a MN break.... This thread has been very triggering for me. But I guess "that's my own fault for reading and I always have the option to hide the thread"

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2016 13:20

This is really inappropriate, and it does not sit well with me. What else does he think he's entitled to! It sounds like its going through one ear, and out the other! She could well have been naked, who know's. That is her own personal space in the house, and should be respected. Fit an inside sliding lock, so she can lock it if and when she wants. That would make me think less of dh tbh.

timelytess · 25/08/2016 13:21

OP, you say there's no sexual intent with his behaviour but I don't know how you can know this for definite
Just noting that the act can be sexual even when the intention isn't.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2016 13:21

I hope that MIL talk to dh works, what if he carries on and continues to upset your dd.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/08/2016 13:22

Exactly timeless how would you know what his real intentions are, unless you are a mind reader. It sounds like he is doing this on purpose.

DeadGood · 25/08/2016 13:34

Livid thanks for updating. Posters have been very vocal on this thread because it chimes with a lot of people. When they use strong names, it's not 100% your DH it is aimed at - more their own demons and family members who genuinely made their lives miserable.

I hope your MIL can help. Good on you for taking this seriously.

Lancelottie good on you for recognising a bad behaviour in yourself! I am filing this all away too. I do think there is a subtle but genuine difference between the "oops I forgot you are growing up" barger and the "I will do whatever I want to in my own home" variety.

Atenco · 25/08/2016 13:50

You are really not a mind reader to know there is no sexual intent, nor am I, I might add, saying that there must be such a thing. But I have a feeling that you are basing that assertion on the fact that he is your dd's father.

ocelot41 · 25/08/2016 13:53

What DeadGood said. Hope he listens to MIL

MrsCampbellBlack · 25/08/2016 14:00

I wonder how you will find your husband being away a lot of the week - I suspect you and your children will like it a lot.

His disrespect for your children's privacy is just so awful. My 7 year old likes privacy when she is in the bath or getting changed and we respect that.

I'm not sure if your mil will help but I hope for all your sakes it does the trick.

Shouldwebeworried · 25/08/2016 14:25

I really hope your MIL's intervention will help resolve this matter for your family and your H can realise he needs to respect his children as individuals and not just mini hims to do as they are told regardless of the hurt that may be causing them.

This must be a very difficult thread for you to read and there are some very upsetting stories on here.

Good luck OP and I hope things work out well for your family, whatever path you chose/need to take.

And to all those who had shitty, controlling parents who disrespected your needs Flowers and I hope you are on paths to healing.

ShebaShimmyShake · 25/08/2016 14:33

I used the term "sick fuck". It's exactly what I think of a man who thinks his pubescent daughter has no right to privacy, that his kids are only part of him, and who explicitly says that his children's feelings don't matter.

But I should have kept the name to myself as it is not helpful to the OP, as she points out. I'm sorry to have upset you, OP.

carefreeeee · 25/08/2016 14:34

If nothing else it will spoil the relationship your children have with their father for the rest of their lives, if they can't trust him.

cestlavielife · 25/08/2016 16:58

Ss sent exp on parenting teens course...don't know if he went or not.

cestlavielife · 25/08/2016 16:59

Last I heard he was still blaming me for everything and hasn't yet recognized any harm.done by him to dd....

cestlavielife · 25/08/2016 17:00

See if mil has any impact but keep. An eye when he is at home. Make sure dd feels able.to. talk to.you...

randomer · 25/08/2016 17:28

bloody hell....had my mother down as a twisted narcassist but not him. So you mean coming into my room and pulling down the duvet every morning wasn't quite normal? ( aged 15)

FrankensteinsSister · 25/08/2016 18:17

I've been writing a long reply which I just lost.
My dad also had boundary issues.
I spent a good deal of my twenties hating him and begging my mum to divorce him.
Please don't put your daughters through this - small things build up to a more damaging picture. Don't make them live with a bully.

My dad didn't barge in, but I wasn't allowed my own opinions or to express anger or sadness. He enforced this with increasing levels of violence.
He would deliberately push through any boundary I set, just to put me in my place.

God help me, I love him, but I am realistic about what it means to love a narcissist. I am only valuable to him as long as I am a reflection of him.
I know that he has the potential to snap at any point.
It's a heartbreaking realisation.

randomer · 25/08/2016 18:26

would anybody like to start something discussing the effects of narcissist parents?