AIBU to not want to work my arse off to educate my kids privately

[MoonStar07]

Basically ALL our family DH's and my are educating their kids privately. All paid by the DHs of the family who are sole earners but big earners. Think partners in top firms and consultants. We're not my husband has a good job but is mid career. I doubt by the time our first DC is 7 we can afford private school. I'm a SAHM me and DH got lucky and bought in a very good area during the last recession. We have 3 outstanding primary schools and an outstanding Secondary Acadamy. think it's 80% A-C at GCSE. Now I've been 'told' by a close family member that it's probably worth me putting both my kids in full time childcare and going back to work. Yes I earned a good whack and if I went back we could pay private school fees. Just to pay school fees. I worry my kids will miss out they literally will be the only ones NoT private school educated in our whole family. But we can't afford it unless I work and well I don't see the point we've got bloody good schools! In a bloody good area! Am I AIBU not wanting to go back to work? Should I work to pay the fees? Arghh it's sending me mad.

I think I'm quite pro active about my DC's education but I'm an absolute slacker compared to some .

I dobn't think your husband should have married you u ntil this was sorted out. I would not have married am an who wuld not expect priate schools nor a man who would accept a stay at home mother - I work full time and pay the school fees. Nothing is right or wrong but it is an issue where the couple need to reach agreement ideally before they are committed to each other. I take your ghusband's side on this - get your finger out, work full time like the rest of us and do the right thing by the children but plenty will not agree. Alpha style families rock (and rule!)

"and do the right thing by the children"

That's a very judgemental, unkind comment.

Bright, well supported children do well in state schools.

The 'right thing' is to love your children and support their education. Those of us with children at state schools are doing this too.

blyton you are so not an Alpha style family ( and that is not a criticism).

2016Blyton You have issues! My husband and I work out things between us! Things like this are not definitive of our marriage! We are more than our children. We were together before kids! As a family you work through stuff. the person who said 'financially dependant' who am I dependant on? My husband? He was dependant on me to buy our house and pay for our wedding! I'm not dependant on anyone!

2016

There is nothing right about working full time when you have children, nor is there anything wrong with this. Exactly the same can be said for a sahp.
Doing the right thing by your children is what suits the family best, ito education that could be anything at all the parents decide.

So blyton we can afford to pay but choose not to. Have done in the past, may do in the future.

I expect you think that's horrific?

Absolutely gilly

What is an alpha style family?

Not a Beta?! Lol no idea...is everyone a silverback gorilla?

Are they the knit your own lentil type? No tv, sweets, computer games, perfect wholesome childhood

I want my kids to see a realistic representation of life in their school, not the bubble of privilege that their professional parents might well be able to create. For me, that means far more than getting music lessons in school and the benefit of great sporting facilities. It's learning about life, society, reality - real education, not just academia.

This ^^ with butter on top.

inlovewith I completely agree with you. Though don't really want to be a hypocrite as DS is privately educated. He has SEN and the amount of therapy and type of curriculum,setting, qualifications for the teachers and XYZ could not be met in a mainstream setting at all, unless they received a huge amount of £££££££££; which wouldn't be cost effective when DS could get all of that in a specialist setting with less cost.

Though, being in the "private world" as I should say I could understand what you mean by that being enclosed in a bubble world. I did feel out of place as I guess it is unusual to be a 22 year old parent with a 6 year old child in a private setting; I even had a mum say to me that "it must be so hard to be a single parent, that she hasn't met or known a single parent". Though saying that, I have spoken to parents who are quite wealthy, but basically went through loads of shit in their younger lives, met and know a variety of people with different backgrounds, but have worked hard and in their wealthy position that they are in now.

Ideally, if DS didn't have SEN, he would of stayed at his local mainstream school and build local friendships. But like a poster said, it's important to pick a school which suits the INDIVIDUAL CHILD, regardless of sector.

gandalf alpha families are not remotely lentil weavers!

They are driven with a capital D. Their children attend the most selective private schools in town and are top (or thereabouts) in every subject. They play several instruments and sports to an extremely high level.

Even though their schools offer superb EC activities they still do many more on top outside school. They also do extra academic subjects with tutors outside school. Their holidays are taken up with courses and camps.

Both Mum and Dad are successful (usually well known in their field) .

notgiving I find the whole bubble thing quite odd. And whilst I understand a bit, it is very easy to expose your DC to the world outside the bubble if you're so minded. I mean DC aren't blindfolded outside of school.

I'm also very uncomfortable with the suggestion by many a well meaning MNer that it is somehow A Good Thing to go to school with poor people. As a formerly very poor pupil, I find that highly bloody patronising. That I was some sort of life lesson. I also find it laughable that my life was in any way improved by a few middle class kids floating around my school.

Personally I think that it can be a good thing to work hard to pay for your child's education (which is what we do) but equally I feel strongly that the decision should be yours and that you shouldn't feel pressured into it. If we had outstanding state schools locally then I would have sent my children there, certainly up to the age of 11.

"I mean DC aren't blindfolded outside of school"

I suspect that one reason many politicians and heads of industry are so lacking in compassion and understanding of ordinary people is that they have never worked or studied alongside anyone other than people like themselves.

Kids at private schools don't compete on the same terms in life and in work as children (regardless of other aspects of their upbringing) who are educated by the state because they LITERALLY have twice as much money invested in their education as the vast majority of children. This does have an impact.

I'm always astonished at how tolerant we are as a culture of these massive institutional injustice inflicted on children.

mini 93% of children have a state education. Of the remaining 7% many will be state educated at some point.

That is the vast vast majority of people in the UK. It does not result in a wonderfully equal, compassionate society. In fact, social mobility is at an all time low.

Sorry got distracted by a text...

Tolerance on the ground is at an all time low. Look at the last election and Brexit.

Comprehensive education has not helped the divisions in the UK one jot.

I am a lone parent son on a bursary prep and moving on to senior next year. I have not regretted one pence of money I have spent on my sons education. My son was very mediocre until this year if he had been in a state school he would had done his sats last year and I can't imagine what he wd have scraped as he was bottom in the bottom set. This year with joined up thinking from the school support from a tutor and my support he is top of his set and been asked to do the higher CE paper. Every child is different we have outstanding schools where I live but I know for my son this was the right choice, with the family you and your husband come from your children may feal at a disadvantage, only time will tell and by then it may be too late. Good luck in what you decide

2016Blyton - you do seem to have an axe to grind with SAHMs. Not sure why this is? A marriage is a partnership and each to their own to decide what's best for them surely? I've been a SAHM for 13 years and we have 4 DC - if DH and I were to split, I know very well what would happen financially. It's OK really!

Also, I would question this notion that independent schools are necessarily and always less diverse than state. It depends what you mean by diversity. Sure, at the independent senior school two of our DC attend, few parents are claiming benefits, but families do range from those who receive bursaries (almost 10% I think) to families where 2 parents are working flat out to make the fee payments - to children of Russian Oligarchs, celebrities, you name it. Culturally speaking the school is about as diverse as you could get with children of two white British parents definitely in the minority. In this sense, it's more diverse than a state secondary in an affluent suburban or rural area. Or a school where the majority of pupils are from deprived families. Or a school in which pupils are largely from a particular ethnic group. It's a different kind of diversity.

Sorry, meant to say we're in Central London, but I imagine this is the case in any urban area in the UK.

Even in countries like France, where there is far more legislation to level the educational playing field, there are huge differences in the quality/quantity of educational opportunity between children. The wealth and education of parents cannot be cancelled out in a free society.

IMVHO the most distasteful and controversial aspect of private education in England is the luxury element that can make for entitled and arrogant young people who are not that well educated.

If the schools are good then what is the point of going private? As long as thefe are good teachers there then it is down to the kids to work hard or not.

Yanbu. I don't agree with private schools on principle so DS won't be going to one!

Alpha style family is to Alpha Family as a Hammersmith address is to Kensington. Its good to have aspirations but you're not fooling anyone but yourself.